To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

[Onesidedagain]

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

It’s 100 percent affecting your daily life! You haven’t been to a close relatives house in 10 years! Your DH can’t spend Christmas Day with his parents! But you seem fairly determined not to go or get help so you just have to suck it up I suppose and put up with their nagging.

Your child who is also afraid will encounter many situations in their life where they will be faced with dogs.

I can understand why your in-laws are frustrated - it’s not just your allergy, you also have a phobia, and you don’t like the smell, it’s pretty resolute you’re not going, so not sure what you’re after here.

Allergy tablets don't solve phobias or bad smells. Also whyshould she spend 3 days drugged up because of some smelly dogs. No way, don't go. They are the ones who put dogs over family. They have to live with the consequences.

The fact you haven’t ever known a nasty one is completely irrelevant. Have you known every GS? No. They have attacked and killed and can be intimidating. Some people with dogs are just besotted and blind to the possible risk of their animals. Allergies or phobias completely ignored like all through this thread. I’ve got a phobia of spiders. I’ve had treatment for it and am still phobic. Am I coming round to your place when you tell me you’ve got a a spider that will come up and sniff me, lick me, sit on the floor near me, want to ‘play’ with me, is ‘friendly’? No, I wouldn’t step over the threshold of your house. I have an allergy to wasp stings. Am I coming round to have a barbecue in your garden in late summer when there is food and drink around that attracts them? No I’m not. I carry epipens but a) I don’t want to have to spend my evening in A&E after using one b) I don’t want to die, which is a distinct possibility. Have some respect for other people’s choices, health conditions and their mental health too. Do people really think OP is going to have a lovely, relaxing Christmas day whist sneezing and sniffing, at the least, and being terrified every time the dog comes in the room?

Why do you think you’re getting multiple daily messages inviting you this year?

What’s different?
..or have you had this angst every Christmas for ten years?

After a decade of refusing to visit their home, it’s practically tradition that you decline the Christmas invitation. 😂

If there’s not too much travel time- what about meeting for an afternoon walk? (avoiding other dog walkers where possible!)

Yes I can be around cats as long as the place is clean , ventilated + I’ve taken all my meds ( I do that anyway as I’m allergic to many things and I can hardly avoid trees , grass and dustmites ) for my allergies and asthma.
I don’t have a cat 🐱 , I have one small wire haired breed dog .
I do want to be able to go to neighbours and friends who do have cats 🐈 I actually find them relaxing to be around .
However , I do know someone who has cats and doesn’t ventilate the house and doesn’t clean properly.
I can’t stay there more than a few minutes before I start to feel unwell

DH can spend Christmas with his parents, they chose not to accept the invitation. They have choices, the OP didn't choose to have an allergy or a phobia any more than her DC chose to be allergic. The iLs did choose to have dogs and put them first

Many families spend different days together from Christmas due to logistics and a range of other problems. That has always been the case and always will be.

It is, and I haven't denied that.

To address your suggestions, paid pet care over Christmas is very expensive - and it gets booked up very quickly.

Neighbours have their own families that they want to spend time with, and TBH I would only ask someone to keep an eye on my dogs in an emergency as I think it is a bit of an imposition, TBH.

I do accept that having an animal - any animal, but particularly a dog - limits where we can go and how long for. My post was more in response to those who seem to be aggressively stating this as though it was a choice between dogs and family - it isn't (or shouldn't be). It's a matter of balance. There is no reason (to my mind) why most dog-owning people can't leave their pets for a few hours, and non-dog-owning people can't accept that the dog owners can't stay for 10 hours and get as pissed as newts.

There is plenty of room for compromise here.

OP has an allergy, and a phobia - these aren't something that she has chosen to have. They limit her life (and not just at Christmas). To my mind it is up to her family to accept her medical difficulty and be prepared to live their dogs - if only for a couple of hours - to accommodate her, because she CAN'T accommodate them.

I have a phobia myself (fortunately it's a pretty obscure one that I rarely meet in daily life) so I fully realise how difficult it is having to encounter the object of it is. If you have a phobia of great white sharks (not mine, BTW ) it's much easier to not meet one on a daily basis than if you have a phobia of dogs.

I’m assuming this is more of a phobia than an allergy if you grew up with dogs and your family had dogs? I mean it’s not the life threatening severe allergy/ anaphylactic shock
some posters are alluding to?

Was there one event that triggered your phobia (being bitten?) do you think?

But what do you expect them to do with their dogs while you host? They can’t leave them at home all day and dog sitters over Christmas usually have to be booked months and months in advance.

Yeah there’s really nothing to be achieved by labelling this as a “power issue” and feeling resentful.

You’ve reached a stalemate with MIL over Christmas.
Neither side will “win”
There’s no point agonising over it, just try to keep a good relationship going the rest of the year.

This thread is likely to make you feel worse- it’s fuelling your resentment towards your ILs.

It’s understandable that they want to be at home with their family and pets, so do you. It is what it is- no one’s the bad guy.

But mil is the bad guy. She thinks dh should leave his wife and kids to have 'his family' Christmas without his wife. And is pushing and pushing for this. Typical of dog people.

As a child I was on daily antihistamines and had really bad asthma issues , in the end some of the pets were rehomed to other family members and plans to get more when older ones passed were forgotten as I just couldn’t cope. I even had issues at school as sat next to a boy and I would keep vomiting and getting sent home - it was the smell of dog - we found out he had 3 dogs at home and I was just having a reaction to the strong smell from sitting next to him ! So it’s a real problem in multiple areas for me

I do recognise I have a real issue and it’s not just an allergy issue it’s more. I have tried really hard to compromise over the years with MIL but the bottom line is she wants everyone there or at the very least Dh there for actual Christmas Day

I've read the OP's posts and some (but not all) of the other posts.

Honestly, the assumption that anyone who is allergic / doesn't like dogs needs to "get over it" is a UK thing. Not wanting to spend time near someone's dog is not like refusing to hang out with one of their children.

I like dogs but my Dad (who is now dead) hated them. I don't think it was a phobia - he just couldn't understand why anyone would have such a creature living in their house.

Every time your DH has been asked about coming round at Christmas, does he say.

'No we cannot go into any house with dogs in it. My DW & DC are allergic'

Allergy tablets don’t work for everyone and they can cause drowsiness and other side effects. And they won’t help with the fear of the dogs. It’s not as though the OP and her DH haven’t suggested other solutions, but the family seem to be coming from an all or nothing position, which isn’t helpful. There should be a compromise somewhere in between I think.

Go or don’t go it’s up to you. But just admit to them you don’t want to and don’t make excuses. 10 years not having Christmas with my family would be very upsetting to me and them. You don’t have to agree to the whole time. I am allergic to cats but still go to visit a family member I love dearly who has 2. There are scales of allergy from anaphylactic which is super dangerous to a bit of an itch/sneeze. I have asthma and cats make me wheeze and scratch my skin, watery eyes etc but a lifetime of an allergy means you know what will help to manage unless so extreme/anaphylaxis means you must avoid at all costs. Smells are everywhere and part of life, there are ways to cope with them. Having read all your replies to comments you don’t really want to deal with any of your issues. Many have suggested help for your phobia which you seem resistant to and don’t accept that you could have passed this to your child - one of your children could easily be more attuned to your reactions and attitudes than the other. Phobias aren’t something anyone is born with and shouldn’t be let slide in children when they can be dealt with. You are allowing it that they will also spend their life limiting or tailoring their activities. From the tone of all your replies you didn’t want to hear any suggestions to help just agreement that it was unreasonable that your husbands family want to spend a Christmas with him. It is unreasonable that they won’t come to you even for Boxing Day but very reasonable that they would want to spend Christmas with him and his family.

YANBU. Weird they’ve asked every year for a decade and still don’t realise you’re allergic to dogs so can’t visit their house because they have a dog. It’s like knowing someone has a peanut allergy but still offering them a peanut butter sandwich every day for 10 years.

But if this has been going on for ten years, surely if the in laws were serious about finding a solution, they’ve had plenty of opportunity to book those dog sitters well in advance ? Or come to a compromise that doesn’t involve the OP being distressed by their presence.

YANBU

They are choosing their extended family dogs over seeing OP and her family on Christmas Day.

It really is that simple.

OP cannot be in a room with dogs. People who don't have severe phobias don't seem to understand that. And her allergies and like-child compound the situation.

They could pop round on the day themselves, as OP has invited them.
Or they could leave their own dogs at home and the dog that lives there could be put in a room or sent to one of the other houses for a few hours.

Well, then it's up to your DH to decide if he wants to be there with his wider family on Christmas Day. It's pointless you getting involved.

If his DM is so incapable of compromise and won't accept having her son round on Boxing Day then there is nothing more you can contribute to the conversation., you'll be tying yourself in knots. She's obviously not prepared to have an adult discussion.

Absolutely not unreasonable!

I think ab important thing to remember here is no one should be forced to go somewhere, regardless if the reasons! The OPS reasons are health related and perfectly reasonable in itself. But if she just didn’t want to go, that would be ok too! It’s her Christmas too, it’s her child’s Christmas too, they would like to do what they would like to do! Why is there something wrong with that! Made worse by the fact that’s no compromise, I’d dig my heels in as far as possible!

The allergy is enough though, given that’s the bit that could make her dead.

Where do you think the OP is making excuses. You’re banging on about the phobia, and not addressing the issue of, from what the OP has said, is a pretty severe allergy. And why should she accept that it is she who has passed on her ‘phobia’ to her child, who also has an allergy ? For some, the allergy is so severe that it can trigger the fear at an early age, which is what appears to have happened to the OP. you’re minimising what’s happening here, and actually blaming the OP.

Her reasons are quite legitimate and I wouldn’t expect someone to just lump it and spend their time focusing on not being ill to make me happy.

It’s ridiculous for her in-laws to expect things to magically change because they want it to and be frustrated having known this about her to begin with. They are being upset and frustrated at the wrong person. Her DH can go around if he really wanted to, but he chooses not to as is his right.

He says he sees his parents plenty throughout the year and doesn’t want to drive there and back without being able to have a drink if I read correctly.

It’s sad some posters think someone should be ill on Christmas for the sake of others when they don’t have to.

I bet even if she did go, they would still moan if she had to leave straight after due to her allergies.