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Original poster

How is your house not a shithole?

340 replies

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 10:16

Help me. I’m drowning. I just feel so overwhelmed by the never ending mess and clutter and shit everywhere. I spend HOURS everyday tidying and cannot get on top of it.

I have a 3yo and 1 yo, a dog, a lazy husband and we are all at home a lot. So 3 meals a day for the kids and I. Toys everywhere, plates/packets everywhere always on the kitchen sides. Colouring pens, scraps of fucking scribbles, play doh, Breadsticks under the table as the baby constantly lobs food everywhere. Clothes all over the floor upstairs, out of the drawers/ “floordrobe”.

I just cannot cope. It’s not like I leave it and it builds up, it’s just a tsunami wave of mess constantly and I cannot keep up. Everyday the dishwasher goes on, laundry in, kitchen sides/table cleaned, etc and it lasts 3 seconds and it’s like a bombs gone off again.

im not exaggerating that it’s actually causes me anxiety!

OP posts:
Jeannie88 · 16/12/2023 20:21

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 10:49

thanks for all the replies - still reading through!

our biggest issue is our house is too small and there is no where to put anything. Yes will need to declutter but I get stuck at the getting rid of it stage. Our local charity shops are full and turning down donations so I’ll have to tip it - which is an hours drive!

my husband is the type to leave his coffee cup dirty on the side, leave his dirty laundry on the floor, not pick up a wet towel, not rinse his toothpaste down the sink. I have told him and told him but he doesn’t change. He sees me also “being messy” eg not always immediately putting my own things away as I’m trying to do 18 jobs at once. So thinks I can’t talk as I’m a hypocrite. He will take the baby out the high chair and leave all the food on the tray, on the floor, the dirty spoons/ bowls wherever they’ve been thrown, dirty wet bib on the chair, etc and just go and sit down.

Sounds like he is another child to look after! Surely he can clean up after himself! My partner will leave these things around, clothes on floor etc and if I'm off work I will tidy up these things but he does a lot of house stuff as well so give and take. Your partner really needs to get a grip! Are you working and expected to do all of it? X

Jeannie88 · 16/12/2023 20:23

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 11:03

I’m still reading through the tips/ advice and will take on board.

te the DH problem. I don’t really know what else to do about it. He works but not many hours - between 20-36 a week (but full time wage) but he feels a maximum capacity. He is stressed, I am stressed. Being in the house with both kids we struggle to get anything done as it’s chaos. Sounds pathetic I know.

im not exaggerating when I say I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I never get a second without one of them, he doesn’t take the kids out hardly ever. But he feels he can’t do anymore?

Does he wfh? That will make it harder as his stuff as well xx

macaronicheezepleeze · 16/12/2023 20:38

I only have one child, 2 years old, and I know I couldn't keep on top of everything if my husband didn't do his fair share. He works long hours wfh and I only work part time. But he does the dishes every evening, cleans the kitchen, deals with all the bins, tidies up toys etc etc. And if ever I just don't feel up to doing something he'll take over for me, the same way sometimes I'll do one of "his" jobs if he's up late working longer hours than usual.

That's how it should be.

But aside from the lazy husband issue, the only things that keep our house in order are:

  1. Be brutal about what you keep in your home and what you let into your home. Google the "container concept" to keep control of what's in your home.
  2. Tidy up every single night so that floors, surfaces and the sink are clear. And make your bed every morning. Other things feel easier if you stick to this. If I wake up to a messy kitchen or living room I feel like throwing the towel in for the entire day.
Lollipop81 · 16/12/2023 20:53

this was me 2 years ago, now my kids are 4 and 5, I’ve kicked their dad out (I’m not advising that though of course) and my house is nOw a lot easier to lee on top of, I don’t feel embarrassed inviting people around anymore. You will get there too it’s so difficult when the kids are so little. But def need to try and get the husband to help out it just isn’t fair on you

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 16/12/2023 21:01

My.kids are same age (3 year old, 10 month old) and I hear you loud and clear... I feel constantly overwhelmed and drowning. And my husband isn't lazy. I have no idea how you're managing on your own.
I cook, we eat together, husband cleans up kids and gets then ready for bed, I tidy up kitchen, dining room, then we each take a child and put them to bed, then we both tidy the rest of the flat. It's a two person job and we just stay on top of the everyday stuff. If we don't do it one day, or if there's some kind of sickness through the house, it looks like a tornado swept through...

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/12/2023 21:06

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 10:50

In laws coming tomorrow so trying to do a big clean now but they are just so fucking judgemental and critical and I feel sick of it all and just want to go and stay in a hotel.

In-laws are coming? Then your lazy-ass husband can clean up for them. Don't lift a finger other than clearing up after yourself and the children. Tell your husband and when the in-laws criticise, you tell them their son is messy, lazy and doesn't lift a finger and that you're disappointed they raised their son to be such a poor husband and father.

Stop clearing up after your husband. Only sort yourself and the children from now on until he gets the message. He should be ashamed of himself and his parents should be ashamed at raising such a lazy son.

Southlondoner88 · 16/12/2023 21:24

Minimalism- look up on you tube, there’s one called the minimalist mum or something like that with very ruthless decluttering advice. Changed my life.

CrikeyMajikey · 16/12/2023 21:27

Declutter. Every September when the kids go back to school I throw out 3 things every day. The first year it took 3 visits to each room to get ruthless. Now I’m several years in and am very comfortable with getting rid of stuff, and bringing less stuff into the house. My kids are teens now and do have daily chores; cleaning kitchen, loading dishwasher, putting bins out. It’s so disheartening when you live in endless clutter and mess.

TommyNever · 16/12/2023 21:30

My house is not a shithole because: I don't have babies, toddlers, dogs or lazy husbands.

I live alone and clean up after myself reasonably efficiently.

Momtotwokids · 16/12/2023 21:33

You have a 1 year old and a 3 year old plus a dog and lazy husband. You can only do so much. I'm 65 and haven't worked in years. I do a little each day and with only a husband who does outside work but not inside. I have time. Don't beat yourself up.

Wheresmykitten · 16/12/2023 21:40

Nit much help but it’s worse when they are older. When little you have a certain element of control. When teenagers it’s up in the night making snacks and a shithole kitchen in the morning, friends over when you are at work making more mess. You can’t control the outfits or laundry anymore so multiple outfit changes sometimes per day. Bedrooms are hell pits they won’t let you in to sort out…

GilesRupert · 16/12/2023 21:46

Are you me and is your husband my husband?

TheGoogleMum · 16/12/2023 21:51

My house is a shithole unfortunately. We do have a cleaner once a fortnight, we can barely afford it but it makes the house nice for a couple of days. We often take it in turns to be on kid duty and tidying up - but we don't do this daily and the house is often really messy in-between. Could DH tidy if you took kids out? Tbh we dont take them out to tidy, just keep them confined to living room and other person can concentrate on othe areas. On a daily basis just getting the dishwasher on and some laundry in the machine is an accomplishment sometimes!

Wantosleep39 · 16/12/2023 21:56

I don’t have much stuff and I KNOW what I have. I don’t get surprised like ‘oh I didn’t know I have this’. Everything I have I use it. If I notice something not used much I get rid of it. I clear out regularly. Everything has to go it’s place. I don’t like to see tool laying around in my kitchen after a use. I like that tool goes to tool box. That tool is not belong to kitchen.
We are family of four with 7 year old and 4 year old and we have lots of toys and art and craft stuff but I don’t make every single toys accessible or play dough and kinetic sand accessible at the same time. And I tidy things straight away. I Don’t let them pile up.
i don’t have much stuff in the kitchen too. Only just enough for my family and if I have few extra people as guests. I only have 8 mugs for example. You get the idea 😉 Less is more and make life a lot easier.

StardustGiraffe · 16/12/2023 22:05

It is 😔 I feel the same as you OP, except I only have one child (15 months).

I feel like my home is in chaos all the time. I can't keep on top of anything, the washing, the putting away of clean stuff, the toys, the kitchen, the bathroom. Our bedroom is just a dumping ground, it's horrible.

It doesn't help that we're in a one-bed flat and it's just impossible to find places to store everything.

The only room that stays vaguely acceptable is the living room, and it's still cluttered, just not as bad as everywhere else.

nagnagnag · 16/12/2023 22:08

Decluttering is the main thing. Get some bin bags and full them with everything that you can find that you haven’t used/worn for a year or don’t particularly like etc. Reassure everyone that you are not throwing this stuff away and anything they need they can have back again when they need it. Put the bin bags in the garage/ loft/ shed. In six months time throw/ bin/ sell/ donate whatever hasn’t been missed.

venetiancleaning · 16/12/2023 22:23

100% Decluttering.

I've always been fairly minimal but with two little ones the same age as yours, we were swamped with toys.

We moved house this year and I started decluttering in January. By around July I'd gotten rid of no less than around 40% of everything we owned.

The impact has been profound. Not only was the move much lesser but the subsequent upkeep of less has literally changed my life.

Joshua Becker is insightful and inspiring.

venetiancleaning · 16/12/2023 22:26

Also, I've found keeping my clothes and the children's clothes to a minimum is super helpful too.

I have around 15 outfits each for the children - both tops and trousers go on the one hanger. When they are washed and dried, they go back on the hanger as an outfit.

I use baskets for underwear/vests/socks and pyjamas so I can just throw them in without a thought.

It's been really helpful and reduced decision fatigue massively.

LemonJeIIy · 16/12/2023 22:54

Start throwing stuff away or give it to charity. Get rid of stuff that makes the house untidy. Just do it

Lemondoughnut · 16/12/2023 22:55

Mouthouch · 15/12/2023 10:35

You need to teach the kids tidy up game. It’s not perfect but it does help so much. My boys one and a half and tidys up quite a bit. He picks things up and puts them in a basket. He also helps me if he sees me tidying up. Now helps wipe his table.

Toys - organise into boxes. One set of big toys at a time! (Train set, farm set, shop set etc). A small shelf on rotate. Hide the rest. They also play better this way I find.

With clothes do a cull. Take an afternoon and Marie kondo the drawers. Including the folding. My house really isn’t perfect. Think coffee cups all over the place. But the Marie kondo drawer thing is something I do for my son and it keeps me motivated to keep it that way. I fold only when I am doing bedtime and sit in his room and do it while he plays before bed.

kitchen - buy an air fryer and paper disposable liners. Have one plate for each child so it always gets washed. I’m not saying ration food but don’t give the one year old multiple breadsticks when one will do. If he wants another he finishes the first.

Husband. Tell him to help. If he doesn’t then get two boxes, one dirty one clean. Everything of his mess goes in these boxes. Plates mugs, random crap in the dirty. All clean clutter like wallets random crap goes in the clean box.

Take it one room at a time. And keep that room going.

You need to organise systems for each room and make sure the house has a flow. So if you always have drama with coffee cups and clutter in living room then get a huge tray for the coffee table. Then all clutter ends on the tray. In the evening you can dress it with a candle and the channel changers when it’s clean and returned to its home. It sounds like a silly thing but that’s what I mean about systems. You need a plan to assist flow.

This. All great ideas.

StolenCookie · 16/12/2023 23:16

Nothing to add but solidarity. The small house + toddler situation = recipe for constant mess no matter what. I only have one child but I feel like if I don’t hover about constantly cleaning and tidying then my flat is a TIP at the end of the day. It’s a never-ending battle to get rid of clutter and try and find a place for everything.

Evilcold · 16/12/2023 23:22

lots of good advice on the thread, but it is tough with young kids. All adults in the house need to pull their weight.

It helps to have a deep clean and declutter, and then trying to keep on track. Otherwise it just feels like shifting the mess from a to b to c.

burntoutnurse · 16/12/2023 23:29

Always make sure dish washer is loaded before bed/dishes done

One load of washing a day

Hoover and mop every other day.

Maybe easier for me as mine are 13 and 16 and do away half the year. But I do work full time night shifts I just think routine is the keys

Mummydrama · 16/12/2023 23:38

I feel your pain! I do one room while the kiddies mess up another! I've now limited the toys, so while I'm tidying g one roo. They p ly have 2 toys out. Maybe one building toy and 1 less messy. They need to tidy up before I get anything else out. (2yr) has certainly helped with the toy mess. Tell your hubby to get off his butt. Mine is the same, and often gose and hides somewhere, but he also complains about the mess. I know he knows how to tidy, put laundry on etc and can muddle about in the kitchen he lived by himself when I met him! Sit him down and tell him how you feel and that he needs to help not add to the stress! - if all fails go to a family member for a few days, leaving the kiddies behind so he can feel how you feel. If the place os a pigsty when you get back complain that it's a mess!

LowLevelGrumpMostly · 17/12/2023 00:58

Husband is bringing in good wage, if you aren’t pressed get a cleaner, we had a lovely lady in her 50s who’d had two little mess hurricanes herself. Knowing she was coming made us tidy enough to find the floor before her visit. And once a week we were back to day zero. It stopped feeling like was downward spiral and getting worse. She was used to little ones and the odd nappy got changed, somehow managed to entertain them for 20 minutes watching the shower screen cleaned (no idea exactly how that is possible 🤷‍♀️) and told me it was a brief passing nightmare - it was! You forget how shit having young kids is! I’m hoping forgetting the shit teenagers is will happen 🤣happy to trade breadsticks for full on attitude this week! Btw breadsticks are nicer than accidentally forgotten USED sanitary towels! The Amazon guy used the loo before I spotted - looking at it as a positive not gonna get rated on the Amazon delivery toilet app

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