Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How is your house not a shithole?

340 replies

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 10:16

Help me. I’m drowning. I just feel so overwhelmed by the never ending mess and clutter and shit everywhere. I spend HOURS everyday tidying and cannot get on top of it.

I have a 3yo and 1 yo, a dog, a lazy husband and we are all at home a lot. So 3 meals a day for the kids and I. Toys everywhere, plates/packets everywhere always on the kitchen sides. Colouring pens, scraps of fucking scribbles, play doh, Breadsticks under the table as the baby constantly lobs food everywhere. Clothes all over the floor upstairs, out of the drawers/ “floordrobe”.

I just cannot cope. It’s not like I leave it and it builds up, it’s just a tsunami wave of mess constantly and I cannot keep up. Everyday the dishwasher goes on, laundry in, kitchen sides/table cleaned, etc and it lasts 3 seconds and it’s like a bombs gone off again.

im not exaggerating that it’s actually causes me anxiety!

OP posts:
Marmunia10666 · 15/12/2023 13:02

We keep on top of it and work full-time. Mop all spills and pick up everything when it's spilled. Do a deep clean once a week.

instantick · 15/12/2023 13:04

i have 3 kids in a one bedroom flat and i keep mine tidy and organised single mom maybe your bf needs to help more

OooohAhhhh · 15/12/2023 13:04

I'd say pretty normal tbh. I spend little time relaxing in my house, majority of my time is spent cleaning, tidying toys, dishwasher, washing etc all to do it again the next day. Also have scribbles/stickers everywhere & it's a constant battle to sweep the kitchen floor everyday due to 16 month old. If I don't keep on top of it it can get out of hand.
How I would love a show house, not going to happen!

Shrammed · 15/12/2023 13:05

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 10:50

In laws coming tomorrow so trying to do a big clean now but they are just so fucking judgemental and critical and I feel sick of it all and just want to go and stay in a hotel.

I've had this as well.

Also have same issue with getting rid of stuff.

Decluttering, decent storage - lowering standards and finding away to shut IL comments down or just get used to ignoring also finding ways to get out bit more often - I heavily used toddler groups - and time.

Not sure what to suggest with DH mine veers from great tidy upper to cooker - to literally sitting there and messy up what I have just sorted.

HellonHeels · 15/12/2023 13:05

Nicole1111 · 15/12/2023 11:33

Step 1 - Throw away as many of your possessions as you can
Step 2 - Pay a cleaner to do a deep clean (and get this done 3 monthly if you can).
Step 3 - Have a cleaning rota you stick to religiously. I do Monday living room and hallways, Tuesday kitchen, Wednesday bedrooms and sheet changes, Thursday bathrooms, Friday proper hoover (I do little hoovers between) and a quick tidy of the house and wipe down of the kitchen every day. I’d say I spend no more than 20-30 mins cleaning on a weekday, 15 minutes on a weekend, and my house is always pretty clean and tidy.
Step 4 - Limit what you buy and bring in to the house.
Step 5 - About 6 months after first throw away do another one to get rid of any bits you didn’t throw but don’t use, or any new stuff (like paperwork) you’ve accumulated but not used or don’t need.

Edited

All of this. And especially Step 4

crozzfit · 15/12/2023 13:12

Mine became tidy and clean once the kids left home and the dog died

Hibye23289 · 15/12/2023 13:12

@Give0fecks 🤣🤣 scraps of fucking scribbles! My house is a mess half the time too

Dixiechickonhols · 15/12/2023 13:13

Less stuff.
I’ve found a charity shop that has a car park, open weekends and metal trolleys to unload into. It’s so helpful.
I’m trying to do a room at a time and once bagged up just take it.

ShoesoftheWorld · 15/12/2023 13:16

I haven't read all the replies, but sure soneone's posted it - if not: every time he leaves the high chair in a mess for you to clean, his coffee cup on the side, his toothpaste in the sink (!!! - that is just disgusting), he's saying 'fuck you, Give0fecks'. He's saying 'I'm too important to do this stuff. You're not, Give0fecks. Your job is to clean up after me'. Have you tried putting it to him in those terms? It might (!) make him think.

Sugarsun · 15/12/2023 13:17

Obviously your biggest issue is your lazy DH.

You should not be struggling with another adult in the house.

But you’ve been given some great advice on here and I just wanted to add that wireless headphones have changed my life.

I’ll listen to music, YouTube, audiobooks (free from your local library app), podcasts etc and it honestly makes cleaning so much more bearable and in some cases enjoyable because you’re looking for an excuse to listen to the next part.

Bin85 · 15/12/2023 13:18

When my children were young I was lucky in that a neighbour's child who was a few years older liked coming to play with mine at our house.
It helped such a lot.
Could you afford to pay a sixth former or student to come and help out generally to take the pressure off you a bit?

everyonesgreen · 15/12/2023 13:20

I remember my OH's grandmother leaving her home of thirty years to move into sheltered housing. The place looked like a new pin because, like many of her generation, she owned very little but had everything she needed.
By comparison, in winter, with kids and shoes, trainers, wellies and the rest of their paraphernalia, holding on to coats and other things that someone will use in a year or two, it's much more difficult to keep things tidy, unless you run your home like a military barracks.
Cut yourself some slack, particularly at the time of year when patience wears thin and the reason you can't close that kitchen drawer is because of all the bloody batteries that will be needed by the end of Boxing Day.

Pallisers · 15/12/2023 13:20

I also get stressed when my house is very chaotic. When I had 3 small children/babies and a tiny house what worked was the following:

Things of no use to you
DH pulled his weight
We had a basement so lots of storage
Cleaner once every 2/3 weeks
We worked out of the house so if the house was relatively tidy when we left in the morning, it was the same when we got back in the evening.

Things that might be of use
I batch cooked every second sunday - in the morning when kids watched tv - I made 3x bolognaise, 3x chicken curry, 3xtomato sauce, 3xbeef or chicken casserole. So we just had to throw on pasta or rice (a cheap rice cooker is the best thing ever) or baby potatoes and a salad when we got home

Big wicker basket for toys and big wicker basket for books and everything got thrown in at the end of the day.

Ruthless about not too much stuff.

One stop for everything. So a cup goes into the dishwasher not the sink and then the dishwasher. The milk goes straight back in the fridge. the toy goes into the basket for toys. etc. I kept a basket at the end of the stairs too.

Accept that the house will look messy when kids are playing etc. - just throw everything back in the baskets/storage boxes in the evening.

If your inlaws are coming and you actually care what they think, then either DH cleans while you take the kids to the park or you clean while he takes the kids to the park. You can't clean a whole house with a 1 year old and 3 year old underfoot.

But I wouldn't care what my in laws thought of my house. If they pass a comment give it to them straight "yeah it would be a lot easier of dh pulled his weight but he doesn't"

auburnglow788 · 15/12/2023 13:20

Sounds like it's gone out of your control and you may need someone to come in and get everything to how you want it. Once all done, you just need to maintain by tidying up as you go along. Also, it may be that you need to streamline how much 'stuff' you have and be ruthless in getting rid of anything you don't truly use/need and perhaps get some files for important letters etc so that you don't have piles of post, bills etc around.

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 15/12/2023 13:21

Less clutter= Less to tidy
Less clothes= Less laundry

Honestly just bag things up, take to tip/charity shop. Maybe after Christmas.

Pallisers · 15/12/2023 13:22

my husband is the type to leave his coffee cup dirty on the side, leave his dirty laundry on the floor, not pick up a wet towel, not rinse his toothpaste down the sink. I have told him and told him but he doesn’t change. He sees me also “being messy” eg not always immediately putting my own things away as I’m trying to do 18 jobs at once. So thinks I can’t talk as I’m a hypocrite. He will take the baby out the high chair and leave all the food on the tray, on the floor, the dirty spoons/ bowls wherever they’ve been thrown, dirty wet bib on the chair, etc and just go and sit down.

This is your problem. What a slob. Does he think he has staff in the house??

herbyham · 15/12/2023 13:32

No advice unfortunately, just wanted to say you've exactly described my house and situation and wanted to say you're in no way alone!

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 15/12/2023 13:35

I'd start by getting rid of the single messiest item in the house. Which sounds like your DH.

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 15/12/2023 13:36

Pippa12 · 15/12/2023 11:16

When I need to get things done pronto- I get a basket (like one you’d empty your wet washing in out of the washer) and clear all the ‘shit’ into the basket. Clean the room- sort through the ‘shit’ when you have more time.

Get a shit basket for your husbands stuff too. Just keep putting everything he leaves for you in there, clothes clean and dirty. He can sort it himself when he has no boxers left

Surprising how much they hold, you don’t loose things as you know it’s in the shit basket, and when you can see the wood for the trees you can clean things better.

I did this but with black bin bags.
Everything left out went in there,cups, plates, wrappers, cans, dirty laundry, towels etc.
All of it
Handed to him at the weekend
He was utterly shocked and it did make him change.
Zero stress for me

Beago1dfish · 15/12/2023 13:47

My house is a shit hole too! Just me & 9 yo twins and I work full time. I like order and tidiness but it’s just not achievable so I’ve just lowered my expectations. I keep on top of washing (a load a day - once dry goes in plastic storage tubs by the tumble dryer and we each put our own box away once a week), I don’t sit down until dishwasher is on/kitchen is clean, but the rest I just live with. On average I probably top to bottom clean and hoover the house once a fortnight and it looks nice for a couple of days and then back to being a shit hole. It has got slightly better as they’ve got older and they help out more.

startquitting · 15/12/2023 13:52

My house really isn’t perfect. Think coffee cups all over the place.

This is what I don’t get. Why not just take the cup to the dishwasher or sink when you’re finished drinking it?

Treeinthesky · 15/12/2023 13:53

Why 3 meals a day. Chill feed when they are hungry

reclaimmyboobs · 15/12/2023 14:02

Dixiechickonhols · 15/12/2023 13:13

Less stuff.
I’ve found a charity shop that has a car park, open weekends and metal trolleys to unload into. It’s so helpful.
I’m trying to do a room at a time and once bagged up just take it.

The dream!

There’s also Anglo Doorstep Collections who’ll come and just take your boxed-up stuff. Obviously they’re a business and give the most meagre per cent to charity but the guilt over that is minuscule compared to the ease of suddenly gaining several cubic feet of space back, for the sake of a few cardboard boxes and filling in an online form.

QueenBakingBee · 15/12/2023 14:02

@Give0fecks OP you are me 10 years ago (ish). My then husband was exactly the same as yours - if he 'helped' me (which was rare) he expected me to make a song and dance about it as well. Even right down to the toothpaste on the sink and clothes on the floor. I would stay up until 11pm every night to try and get on top of it. I never succeeded. It didn't seem to matter either if I begged, screamed and calmly asked for him to help - he didn't see it as important.

Guess what - my love for him slowly died and resentment took its place. He became another one of my jobs, instead of a loving equal partner.

If you still love your husband, sit him down and lay it all out - I am done. I cannot continue this way. As a team, what are we going to agree to change to improve how things are. If you do this together, I promise, you will make it through.

If his response is to not bring change or objecting to how you feel (minimising, not listening, dismissing you for sharing how you feel) - then start planning your exit - seriously. The reason I say this - his actions currently say he doesn't truly love you. Because respect and hearing your partner when they are struggling, and doing everything in your power to work together - thats part of what love is.

Your marriage vows even say ...to have and to hold from this day forward (to work together as partners), for better, for worse (this is a 'worse' bit as you've got little kids to take care of and keep tidying up after!), for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish (you need to feel those things, to see actions to know they love and cherish you) etc etc

Anything less than this is a maid service without the pay.

H930 · 15/12/2023 14:02

Thank you SO MUCH for this thread 🙏 I am at my wits end with the constant clutter and mess and dirt everywhere. Have a 3.5yo and a 6mo. Baby currently incredibly clingy and I cannot get anything done. I’m so relieved to find it isn’t something I’m doing wrong.