How is your house not a shithole?

[Give0fecks]

Help me. I’m drowning. I just feel so overwhelmed by the never ending mess and clutter and shit everywhere. I spend HOURS everyday tidying and cannot get on top of it.

I have a 3yo and 1 yo, a dog, a lazy husband and we are all at home a lot. So 3 meals a day for the kids and I. Toys everywhere, plates/packets everywhere always on the kitchen sides. Colouring pens, scraps of fucking scribbles, play doh, Breadsticks under the table as the baby constantly lobs food everywhere. Clothes all over the floor upstairs, out of the drawers/ “floordrobe”.

I just cannot cope. It’s not like I leave it and it builds up, it’s just a tsunami wave of mess constantly and I cannot keep up. Everyday the dishwasher goes on, laundry in, kitchen sides/table cleaned, etc and it lasts 3 seconds and it’s like a bombs gone off again.

im not exaggerating that it’s actually causes me anxiety!

Of course you work. Bring a SAHM is working and it is an extremely important job. Please do not underestimate or devalue yourself because you dont work outside of the home.

Also, if you are a SAHM generally the kids are at home more and there's more cooking and cleaning.

Try and work on getting the house to zero (don’t know why I call it this!) or getting it to a standard you’re happy with then work to get it back to that.
Haha, I call it “baseline zero!” I can’t rest until it’s back to baseline zero, which is what I think of as the house’s natural resting state: this is the house as it wants to be! Everything in its place, everything clean.

The bummer about living in a fixer upper is baseline zero is still not great…

Aw thanks, I definitely don’t work as hard as my out of home working friends but yes the kids at home do create a lot of the mess!

When you wake up every morning say, fuck it, time for me. If DH comments/complaints, show him where dishwasher/washing machine/kids are.

Same😔

I mean I'm gonna get hung for saying it.

But hire a cleaner bi weekly (if finances can stretch to it) and lower your standards while the kids are younger. You have v young children.

I would forgo a lot of "nice to haves" to retain my cleaner who basically saves my house from being a fucking state.

I could have written this. I feel like I am drowning in my own home. I am in the process of being adult ADHD diagnosed. I feel overwhelmed and struggling and stressed all the time. Burnout.

Constant throwing stuff away is required. Then there will be a lull in an area whilst it all starts to build up again.

You almost certainly have far too much "stuff".
That's not a criticism - a lot of people do, myself included. But I find a regular 'blitz' where I get absolutely ruthless with what I keep and what I get rid of helps me stay on top of things.
Houses are much easier to keep clean and tidy if there isn't much in them.
Obviously, with two small kids, you're going to be hard pushed to achieve a minimal look. But even with clothes - get rid of things that don't fit or that you've not worn for 6 months or more. There's no point hanging onto stuff thinking "oh it'll fit one day". Get rid.
The kids will be growing out of clothes at lighting speed. If something no longer fits - get rid... or at the very least vacuum pack it and put it in the loft/garage til the little one grows into it.
Toys: most of them can be put away (loft, garage, shed etc.) and keep 1 large box of toys out. Rotate on a weekly/monthly basis.
Once you've thinned out your possessions significantly then cleaning and tidying will be much quicker.
You do have to be totally ruthless though. If it's neither useful nor beautiful: chuck it. If it's not been used in 6/12 months: chuck it.

I totally agree on having a cleaner if you can afford it (and obvs if you want one). At my lowest ebb my cleaner was a godsend.
However, it sounds like OP needs to do a massive declutter first - a cleaner won't help that much if the house is bursting at the seams.

@Flatulence I agree but I have to say sometimes seeing progress even small progress can nudge people into decluttering rather than the overwhelming omg I can't mode I get into 😅

When I kicked my ex out (whilst I was heavily pregnant with my dd) as he had been shagging around. My cleaner literally saved my sanity and she's been with me for years.

Does not stop talking but the women is a bloody angel !

OP I am a lot older than you and was a super tidy clean freak pre marriage and kids. Thought I was obsessive until a woman at work said she had been round to a friends house and said it was nice but "you should see the dust inside her cuboards". Do people dust inside cuboards?? Felt a little more normal after that.. However, I married a mad professor type, and adult DD follows DH's complete blinkers to mess and adult DS has SEN. For a long time I made myself a slave to this family continuously tidying up after them and bleaching the life out of everything.
Then I had an accident which put me out of action for the best part of a year. Surprisingly clothes still got washed and occasionally ironed. The bins are put out. The kitchen and bathrooms are clean. No one has suffered a mess related illness. So post accident I have accepted that this is who they are and that as long as they have clean clothes, beds, bathrooom and kitchen the mess is tolerable as the only one it is upsetting is me. The other three are very happy. My distress is purely as I am a bit of a Hyacinth Bouquet when unexpected guests arrive, and that is a shameful admission.
So put down that pile of miscelaneous nonsense you are attempting to tidy and go open a bottle of something and play Scrabble with your DH instead. Will your friends and family love you less if you are being a fun loving Mum instead of a Hyacinth? Absolutely not.

It's easier to keep on top of the house if you don't have too much stuff, and everything belongs somewhere

Marie Kondo is your friend. Her book changed my whole attitude to 'stuff' and clutter

I have a really hands on husband and we’re still in the same boat as you.

Keeps me sane that it’s only temp and the kids will be taught to tidy up with us as they get older … fingers crossed 🤣

This is our house. My husband is in a mood about it at the moment, because he's actually here. We have a 2 year old, a dog and a cat, and my husband is away constantly for work. I gave up thinking it could be anything less than a shithole during the preschool stage a while ago.

Him whinging about not being able to get stuff done is currently doing my head in as he just brushed me off when I was saying this 2 years ago, and by anything I meant going to the toilet or having a wash, never mind tidying up.

So, there is no practical advice here, just solidarity. Fuck it, happy kids are more important than a pristine house anyway. Sounds like you've got that sorted, so pour yourself a drink, watch a film and just let it be.

Following all the posts with helpful tips with interest, as I could have written your post.

I'm a year on from you OP with a 4 and nearly 2 year old. I won't comment on my third child husband.... While it's definitely getting easier, it feels like the second I let something drop everything goes to shit. It sounds awful, but I'm looking forward to the eldest going to school next year. I'll be doing the school run on my days off, but I'll only have the one child to contend with at home.

It is somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone though.

Didn't Marie Kondo recently say that even she didn't 'Marie Kondo'?

I think it's unreasonable to expect a mum of 2 pre-schoolers to be going through each item to see how much joy it gives her. I only have one and it would be impossible. Everything I try and put in a bin bag for the charity shop is immediately thrown out across the room as it is, totally sucking all the joy out of me.

Also, have some strict house rules, such as no food out of the kitchen/not at the dining table, toys only in xyz rooms. Then you are limiting your mess and ensuring no brioche stamped into the carpet to deal with later

Don't be ridiculous

You need to declutter give loads of crap away

Exactly.

Try the minimal Mom on u tube

Here was my routine;

bought a 12kg washing machine

monday morning shopping gets delivered order extra milk (take out a day before you need it so it can defrost) and bread to put in freezer

washing is only done on Friday hence big machine otherwise washing everyday is annoying. I only have one washing basket so I don’t have to walk around different rooms to get the washing.

a box of toys each in the living room. I had a storage coffee table.

cook enough porridge to last a few days. Cook with water and add milk when reheating.

throw or give away what you do not need.

storage storage storage.

ottoman beds

I bought my 3 kids the wide plastics towers to use as clothes drawer. Still going strong for my 19 year old eldest (he has two sets one on top of the other).

if you have space the small ikea table and chair set is great. If not a plastic table cloth on the kitchen table and a box to keep pens etc. they are only allowed to use them there.

they have to learn to put things back.

baths are wonderful things. Put them both in together and tidy a bit while they are in there. Mine had one in the morning and at night so I could tidy a bit.

lazy husband has to wash up on days he is at home. HAS TO and take kids out to the park for an hour on the weekends so you can breath.

I honestly could have written more or less this myself. I’m exasperated with tidying. It’s a constant cycle of mess and cleaning.

It's never ending, that's why I used to take DC out as much as possible to parks, groups, anywhere really! Fortunately my DH isn't lazy, quite the opposite, my cleans are never as good as his! Getting out of the house more helps, not easy I know with DC those ages. Your partner needs to help more.