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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 14/12/2023 17:18

Also, fixed your title:

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about THEIR children

I don’t mean to be horrible but it’s a bit telling that you call them “her” children. He did make them too. I do appreciate you have a very small baby and it can make you overly protective. But your stepchildren are very recently babies themselves. Hopefully it will all settle down soon.

oneflewoverthe · 14/12/2023 17:19

Those poor little girls.

SuspiciousSue · 14/12/2023 17:19

YANBU. I would have thought that your DP would have explained to the ex that he couldn’t see his kids for two weeks when the baby is born. I appreciate that they’re his kids but your DD is also his child and she’s little. She needs time to settle into a routine. The ex had nine months to get used to the fact that her kids wouldn’t see their dad for two weeks. Shame this wasn’t sorted months ago.

haveacat · 14/12/2023 17:19

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You should have been given time to bond with your new baby. Of course the DSC should meet their new sibling, but for a short visit, returning to the previous arrangement once you are feeling better from the traumatic birth. You may have DSC but you a first-time mother and looking after a newborn is exhausting.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/12/2023 17:20

its been this way before and during my pregnancy and i can see it getting worse now DD is here.

If you knew she was tricky before getting pregnant, you surely didn’t think it would be easier with another child in the mix? Given that, your partner needed to factor into things how he would managed two very small children with a newborn without thinking his ex would accommodate him in any way.

You’ve gone into this knowing the situation and while the reality may be harder than anticipated given your difficult birth, it was hardly unexpected. I’d be looking now at plans going forward in terms of how he manages his multiple commitments and how you’re going to navigate things going forward.

whichwaytohome · 14/12/2023 17:20

Fleetingly I was on your side OP, until I remembered how being shipped off felt.

I'd just turned 6 and my sister was nearly 5 when our brother was born. Due to the fact that my mum had both my sister and I by caesarean, and my brother was due to be born the same way, mum was forced to accept sterilisation at the same time as my brother was delivered. My mum was completely against this, but they blackmailed her and dad and dad signed the forms and coerced her into signing.

Due to this mum's MH was very, very unstable. Dsis and I were sent to stay with our grandparents for around 6 weeks before and after the birth. We didn't see our parents during that time.

It was exciting in a way. I was always very close to my nan, but I couldn't help feeling jealous of my Dbro. We'd been sent away (with mum being very cold towards us), and when we returned we were always being reminded of how fragile the baby was. It felt like we'd been replaced in a way.

Of course it's not the same for you, but it's very easy for children to feel jealous of their full siblings and being replaced in their parent's affection by the new member, it must be even harder for a step-sibling.

Being a mother is tiring, but it does get easier.

Newmum888 · 14/12/2023 17:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

mum11970 · 14/12/2023 17:21

Sorry but you are definitely being unreasonable. I’m a step mum and my step kids came to visit in the hospital or as soon as we were home and then stuck to their usual schedule, after each of my births. Very, very few parents ship off their children for a week when they give birth and the same should apply to step children.

Goodlard · 14/12/2023 17:21

haveacat · 14/12/2023 17:19

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You should have been given time to bond with your new baby. Of course the DSC should meet their new sibling, but for a short visit, returning to the previous arrangement once you are feeling better from the traumatic birth. You may have DSC but you a first-time mother and looking after a newborn is exhausting.

So their father gets to opt out of parenting his first two children?

theexceliconisgreen · 14/12/2023 17:21

If the two kids were your own you wouldn't just be able to not have them around when bringing home a newborn. Your DP is still their dad and they are and should be as equal to him as the DD you share

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 17:22

incredible imagination you’ve got there @cadburyegg. they had been separated 2 years when he and i met. and she was first to know i was pregnant out of respect to her being the mother of his other children. she then told everyone before we were ready to.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/12/2023 17:22

You can't get rid of existing kids in a family when a new baby arrives but you can ask for help with them- your DH can ask for someone in his family to help on evenings they visit or someone can come and help you when he's less free to do so.
You can't stop her making nasty comments but you can stop knowing about them- don't talk with his ex directly and ask him not to pass on anything nasty to you but to phone a friend to discuss it instead.

Congratulations on your baby xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/12/2023 17:23

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

Your partner could have asked someone in his family to help with them though it's not her responsibility

Thesearmsofmine · 14/12/2023 17:24

Three children under 5 is hard work. I’m not sure what else you expected? Your DH has 2 very young dc and you chose to have another with him.

EvilElsa · 14/12/2023 17:24

SuspiciousSue · 14/12/2023 17:19

YANBU. I would have thought that your DP would have explained to the ex that he couldn’t see his kids for two weeks when the baby is born. I appreciate that they’re his kids but your DD is also his child and she’s little. She needs time to settle into a routine. The ex had nine months to get used to the fact that her kids wouldn’t see their dad for two weeks. Shame this wasn’t sorted months ago.

Is this sarcasm?!

GrumpyPanda · 14/12/2023 17:25

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:42

YABVU. The ages of your stepkids make me wonder as well if you were the OW, in which case your DH's ex has every reason to resent you and no reason to want to make your life easier.

There's always one..

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/12/2023 17:26

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

Dp needs to get an official contact order in place then for your sake and for their sake. Every one here needs stability.

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 17:27

SingleMum11 · 14/12/2023 16:32

I think with an Ex like this OP, you have to really get tough. Ignore people on this thread as they haven’t been step parents, and really have no idea.

Your step kids are not your kids.

The Ex is going to be causing drama, I had this. I had her suddenly seeing me as an extra childminder and holidays because I was maternity the step kids would turn up, Ex having had some kind of ‘crisis’. Their father worked all hours, paid her full maintenance and we had them every single weekend.

In the end I said no to holidays when their father was out working. I said no to every single weekend. Looking back, there were lots of strange ex family dynamics going on but the best thing you can do is look after your own kids. And respect some time for the father to look after his, which is the deal really he does have kids that need his time and attention. What you don’t need is to have your own family dynamics dictated by the Ex.

Or just date men who don't have kids and stop forcing stepfamilies on poor kids who have no say in the matter.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 17:28

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 17:22

incredible imagination you’ve got there @cadburyegg. they had been separated 2 years when he and i met. and she was first to know i was pregnant out of respect to her being the mother of his other children. she then told everyone before we were ready to.

I don't think that was some great favour to her. She should indeed have been told early so she could prepare the existing children - who are his as much as your child is - for the upcoming change

Redlarge · 14/12/2023 17:32

If i was the kids mum i totally would have understood you not having there for the first week. Dad could take baby out with the other kids and let you rest. Doesnt sound like you are having much opportunity to recover.

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 17:32

Op you don't fully understand why you're getting a hard time on here because your baby is very tiny.

Having a new baby is very hard but being a single parent to 2 children is also very hard. the circumstances of the split are irrelevant when it comes to the care of the children. They deserve the care of 2 parents and for both parents to be a present parent as much as possible. You obviously think your dp is a great dad because he sees his dc regularly and runs the hoover round now and again. Clearly you're in love with him which clouds your judgement but the arrangements really don't paint your dp in a favourable light.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 17:34

SuspiciousSue · 14/12/2023 17:19

YANBU. I would have thought that your DP would have explained to the ex that he couldn’t see his kids for two weeks when the baby is born. I appreciate that they’re his kids but your DD is also his child and she’s little. She needs time to settle into a routine. The ex had nine months to get used to the fact that her kids wouldn’t see their dad for two weeks. Shame this wasn’t sorted months ago.

Not seeing his kids for 2 weeks isn't in his kids best interests. It's not about the mother. It's about the kids. They obviously knew the baby was arriving and they need to know that they're not going to be pushed out.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 17:37

they need to know that they're not going to be pushed out.

But it sounds as if they're going to be.

Arosebyanyname · 14/12/2023 17:37

If you can't cope with the kids already in the family when a new baby arrives, don't have a new baby. That goes for step kids and full siblings. No child should be pushed out to make space for a new one.

Redlarge · 14/12/2023 17:38

Arosebyanyname · 14/12/2023 17:37

If you can't cope with the kids already in the family when a new baby arrives, don't have a new baby. That goes for step kids and full siblings. No child should be pushed out to make space for a new one.

Harsh. Also shes referring to a very specific vulnerable time where she requires recovery. Not long term.

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