DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

You are describing completely normal experiences when you have young children and babies. You don’t get to kick your kids out when you have a new baby to make it easier.

YBVU. Your DC has siblings, you’ve joined their family through choice, they on the other hand, did not have a choice.

Its not acceptable to change custody arrangements because you’ve had a child, they have as much right to their Dad as your DC does.

I would urge you to stop looking at your unit as separate to your SC and their relationship with their Dad because that’s so unfair on the children.

Also, it’s irrelevant that the SC were ill, babies are often around siblings with illness.

I hope this is just the hormones talking and they settle down soon but I think you’re being pretty irrational about all of this.

In all honesty OP yes you are being unreasonable. I do completely get how you feel with a traumatic birth etc but ultimately as everyone else has said you chose to get involved with a man with very young children. They should have been first to know and your DP should have facilitated their visits to minimise impact on you. I get their overnight was unexpected but your home is their home too, is it not?

I absolutely do not understand why women get involved with guys with kids yet are unwilling to embrace them like their own. It must be so stressful for the woman for a start. And so so damaging for the kids.

So usually you only have them overnight four nights a month? Just one night each weekend?

I can sympathise, but I think your expectations are unreasonable here. His DC are so young, of course they will need constant supervision around the baby and will be hyperactive around it. They're basically toddlers! I think it's nice to have them extra time when your baby is still small, so that they can get used to the baby too and don't feel pushed out by only sleeping at Daddy's one night a week, whilst baby gets daddy overnight 7 days!

A parent vanishing can be so damaging for a child. Any NICU parent will tell you how horrible it is to have to travel away from your existing child to give the new child a good start.

Can't believe you would inflict that trauma, and yes it is trauma, on two under fives deliberately.

Sorry, you both sound a piece of work.

Of course you should have expected it once you got involved with a man with very small children! Their world has already been turned upside down when their parents split and now they have a new sibling and a step parent that clearly dislikes them! Poor kids

Your partner has chosen to have three children very close together in age, that means he has to be a parent to three young children and deal with everything that entails, it's not your job to entertain them, it's his, it's not his ex's job to be oncall for his choices, he needs to take responsibility for childcare on his time if needed.

You refer to your baby, and his ex's children. The common denominator is him, he's the one responsible for all three. It's a handy deflection though, having the two mothers of his children blaming each other for his shortcomings.

She’s marking her territory OP. It’s not that she didn’t want anyone else to have them, it’s because she wanted to fuck things up for you. Of course she’s jealous. I can’t imagine any woman who is the mother of a three year old, being ok with the fact the father has a child with someone else so soon. You need to understand you’ve got this woman in your life now and she is going to demand her children are treated as equally as yours. Every holiday you go on, every day trip you take, any fancy bikes you buy. She will be there giving you grief.

@Neodymium i was discharged 5 hours after her birth despite everything it entailed😅

So he didn't "leave her with 2 small children" then, as has been speculated on here. She made the decision (twice over) not to be with him.

It's seen as acceptable by some, but it isn't really. I was shipped off to said grandmother when my sibling was born just before I turned 3. Apparently this caused some fancy worded detachment insecurity that did irreparable damage to my relationship with my dm. Most families would have and want their other dc back with them as soon as they were home from hospital. The step children aren't for op to have to cope with, but their father has the responsibility to integrate them into the lives of their new sibling and obviously actually parent them.

I don’t think it’s “palming them off” when it’s their own father and basically they do is come round after school twice a week and sleep over once a week.

for someone who claims to treat these children like your own, you aren’t speaking very highly of them. And they are both very small themselves, at a vulnerable time in their lives/development. The worst thing you could do for their self esteem and their relationship with you/their dad/their sibling is to make them feel “pushed out”.

the ex may be a little moany, but guess what? I would be too if the man I had two kids with left when they were both under 2 and then banished them from his company when a new baby came along or obviously showed he had less time for them. I would fight tooth and nail so they weren’t playing second fiddle regardless of how that made me look.

they are as much his kids as your new baby is.

she is going to demand her children are treated as equally as yours.

The fucking bitch!

50/50 you say op.

So, here's the maths.

There's 168 hours in the week.

You have your partners children for tea x 2 (let's say 2 hours a time) plus 1x 24 hour day in the weekend. That's 28 hours a week. Out of 168. So about 16%. He palms his young children off on their mother for 84% of the week. I hope he pays maintenance in accordance.

Quick work getting pregnant then op if it was two years after they split. I'm sure the condom split.

You’ve changed your time, OP. Firstly they ‘were not your children’ and now ‘you’ve treated them like your own.’ I feel for the children caught up in the selfish actions of adults.

I did the opposite. DS1 was 7 when DS2 was born so had us all to himself for a long time. DH had 2 weeks paternity leave and I didn’t want DS1 to feel left out so with school’s permission we kept him off for the first week so we could bond as a whole family ❤️

she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

It's nowhere even close to a perfect 50/50 split.
Twice a week from dinner until bedtime.
And then sound like 2 partial days and 1 night each weekend?

She's not constantly parting them off to you, that's a terrible attitude.

In regards to your OP this time is extremely important for the stepkids and it's very important they feel included and not pushed out.

If I was the mother of the stepkids I wouldn't have sent the kids over when they had the flu though but I wouldn't judge her for sending them either as I don't know the circumstances and perhaps she desperately needed the break.

I also don't get the 50/50 split thing -from your first post it's nowhere near 50/50 (unless you've accidentally missed something out).

the ex may be a little moany, but guess what? I would be too if the man I had two kids with left when they were both under 2

Why do people keep saying he left? OP has clarified that the first time they split it was mutual, and she then wanted to try again, and then she changed her mind about trying again, and so he left for good. His behaviour does not sound remotely unreasonable within that.

It isn't jealousy @Moveoverdarlin. Or bitterness.
It's hard to describe - but it's just this jaw dropping moment when you realise just how unbelievably selfish your exh is. You probably already know they're selfish, but just can't quite understand the depths. And then they go and do something like this - ie prioritise keeping a new gf happy at enormous expense to their/your children, and the enormity of their selfishness hammers home.

Fast forward a couple of years. Imagine having a second child. Would you expect your first born to keep out of the way while you bonded with baby number two? Or would you want them to welcome and love their brother and sister so you would involve them?

Now consider these two children in the place of your first born and there is your answer.

He is their father maybe one day they might want to live with you 24/7.

In two cases I know - the man had young babies with mum 1, walked out / divorced mainly because he wasn’t pulling his weight - both got new women on the scene quickly to ‘help’ with their weekends basically and both of them have children with the new women (who neither of them have married). Both the original mum 1 were pissed off that he palmed his children on the new girlfriend to look after rather than stepping up. In both cases he was also looking at going back originally to mum 1 but both mum 1s said no 50/50 split, so you step up and they will not change that. Both the new mum number 2 now have 3 children under 3. No marriage on the table so he can bugger off at any moment.

Both new mums have his children x2 plus their own - in those two cases one week on and one week off. Life carries on for him except he now has wife 2 to manage all 3 children. What princes. His disposable income to family 1 is less as he has a new family to support and support to family two is reduced as quite righty out comes out CMS for family one.

In a third case it was a 50/50 split and then mum got sick when the youngest was 3 and sadly died when youngest was 5. So all 4 children now live man and new wife.

I was also a bit eek at a guy I know of who has 5 children with wife 1. Wife 1 ended up losing custody so he has all 5 kids with him on his own - great on him, he met someone 20 years younger back in wales in June and 6 months later they are engaged and she’s moving hundreds of miles to marry him and move in with all 5 children. Has gone from single to family of 6 overnight. And she’s now talking of babies with him. He works full time and she’s going part time from a good career and full time to pick up the mum role.

and yes I’m sure mum 1 does want to send the kids over he is supposing to be a dad and that comes first.

Ok then.

left me to do the lions share of parenting 2 under 2

I bet you're finding it hard. Your emotions are probably all over the place.
i wonder if your SKs Mum is worried that your DH won't be as present in their lives now your child is born.
It's going to be hard for all of you to find the right balance. Your child's brother and sister most of all.