DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

She doesn't sound tricky though.

The dad has them for 4 partial days a week and 1 overnight.

The mother has them for 3 full days, 4 partial days and 6 overnights and the OP believes that it's almost a perfect 50/50 split and that the mother is just pawning them off whenever she feels like it 🙄

The OPs view of the situation is completely skewed and not in line with the facts which no doubt is influencing her view of the mother.

I’ve had step children , now adult. This will not go the way you want it to.
Rather than fighting it, sit down with her and your DP and work out a sustainable access pattern, maybe every weekend rather than through the week.
As others have said, it’s your DP who should be looking after them as he is the parent. Make sure he is parenting them and not leaving it for you to do. They don’t need another mum in you but they will need you to like them and include them.
I hope it works out for you.

Absolutely!

OP if you split with this man and he was taking your child for access that's not you palming them off and it's not him doing you a favour.

The fact that you think that there's almost a perfect 50/50 split shows you haven't thought about this logically at all.

Oh come on. For two weeks. Whats in the baby and mothers best interest. Dad can still see kids... take them out with baby. Why smother the mother at home. He needs to pull his finger out. 👉

I've only skim read the comments but I will be in a similar but reversed position in the summer in that I am expecting a baby with my current partner and also coparent my first daughter with my exh.

When the baby arrives I will absolutely be making sure my daughter is told first, gets to meet the baby as soon as I'm out of hosp, and as long as exh is reasonable hopefully spend some extra time at mine as soon as we're back home, so she has time to properly bond with the baby and feel included. I think that is so key for the older child(ren) in this kind of scenario.

I get that you're a new mum and exhausted, and so no doubt feeling far more fragile than my DP will be when our time comes, but I fully expect him to support me in facilitating and prioritising bonding time with my older daughter. I wouldn't have considered having a child with him if I didn't think that would be the case.

I hope things settle down for you soon and you get some rest time!

Just a thought, but maybe she stayed and had a baby with this man because she loves him? Why should she skulk away just because the ex is difficult? OP's wishes matter just as much as those of everybody else in this situation, including the kids.

OP, personally I think YANBU but I'm not surprised the 'you knew' brigade are all over this thread. You might get more constructive replies if you ask for the thread to be moved over to Stepparenting?

YANBU. Should have been better managed. When small children are involved you have to put them first even though it’s like organising army manoeuvres at time.
Your DH should have supervised his children and occupied them so the baby wasn’t sneezed over or hit in the face.
His ex-w is probably very pissed off he’s moved on so very quickly.
Your DH needs to organise food, activities and toys for the two older children , give them his attention while you look after baby.
This won’t last for ever. The older ones will settle, you’ll become more relaxed and confident as a new mum. Congratulations on your baby.

But sounds like the dad hasn't done that and the mother of the stepchildren is getting blamed for the dad being useless.

I would have no issue at all with the OPs post if she was blaming her partner, but she's blaming the ex.

The reality is the ex is being deliberately spiteful..for various random reasons. We don't know the back story of their lives maybe she feels she has reason..who knows? It is very unfair though for the OP to have to accommodate the youngsters twice as much as normal having just had a less than normal birth. It really wasn't necessary and dad should have put his new partner first on this occasion and put his foot down to keep normal second home time for his children.

No, it’s my opinion. You don’t have to like it but that’s the point of a discussion board, everyone thinks differently.

The ex doesn't sound difficult though. The OP has just got it in her head that she is and that she pawns the kids off at every opportunity.

They have the kids for 4 partial days and one overnight a week so the mother has them 3 full days, 4 partial days and 6 overnights but according to the OP it's almost a perfect 50/50 split.

It is very unfair though for the OP to have to accommodate the youngsters twice as much as normal

That's still not a great deal of time. And when you get into a relationship with a parent, they come as a package. It isn't about what's best for the adults, it's about what's best for the kids.

Yes sorry I think you are being unreasonable- if you get with a man with kids the kids will always come first (or at least should do)

You’re adjusting to being a mum of a baby and that’s different to being a stepmom of kids. Tell your dp to look after the kids when they are at your place. He can also look after his baby too so that you have time for a rest.

@neilyoungismyhero

How is the ex being 'spiteful'?

Well, I wouldnt have got pregnant a few months after meeting someone so I knew the lay of the land better, but that's not helpful.

£5 says...

Father wants 50/50 so that he doesn't have to pay any maintenance. Not very bright so thought having them for tea plus a day was 50% rather than the 16% it is. Ex has worked out it's no where near 50%. Father now faced with either help pay for or look after his kids. So found a replacement carer, and quickly, so that he has to do neither.

Do you know what op. I really hope for your sake, that the above is not the case. Yes it's projection, but it's because it's a tale that happens over and over again.

Definitely this. Proper schedule with each parent being offered first refusal if the other needs childcare, if that’s what they want.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to not come to their second home for a while because their dad has had a new baby.

They should have been one of the first to see their new sibling and their routine needs to be kept the same.

If you have a second child, you wouldn’t keep this child away from its home for a while because it doesn’t work like that.

I completely get why you’d be exhausted but it’s not like they live there full time and you and DH should have planned for this.

If it was me I would spend a lot of time in my bedroom with baby, reading and watching Netflix whilst they’re there and simply recovering from the birth, whilst DH did all of the parenting of the DSC and cooking and cleaning etc.

He should also be taking them out if the house a lot to places like the park, so you have that space.

Sorry but being a step mum this is part of the package. Your dp will need to balance his time between his children and his baby with you.
It’s not unreasonable to want the step children to be careful but they also sound very young and this may be their first time around a baby so won’t necessarily know how to behave.

I do understand his ex being upset that their children weren’t one of the first to be told. They’ve just got a new sibling and may be very excited about it.

Well you’d assume someone who’d given birth twice would have empathy with another woman who’d just given birth and give hear a day or two to recover - but no quite the opposite -she dumps the DCs on her for extra time ….
i feel sorry for the ex’s new DP, she is obviously still attached to her ex and jealous of the OP.

Honestly op, regardless of how shit you think the situation is, you really have to welcome the step children with open arms and actively encourage them to bond with the baby.
Ignore the drama off the ex. That is your partners problem.

I hope to god your maternity leave doesn’t turn in to babysitting services for your dp and his ex. Their shared children are under 5 and almost still babies themselves, so the parents might try and take full advantage of you with them not being school age yet.

I’d nip that in the bud straight away if they try it once he’s back at work.

Unfortunately this is just what it’s like when there are pre-existing children. They get ill and give it to your baby, they can be a bit clumsy, it’s harder looking after multiple kids (although 3 and 4 are not toddlers!), but they don’t just disappear when you have a baby! They’re not guests they are part of the family. They can also be handy for entertaining the baby and the sibling bond at that age is usually strong. Fwiw I think you were very unreasonable to tell uncle and great grandparents before the siblings

And also OP why is it up to mum to arrange childcare for your partners designated time to have the children? Couldn’t your partner do that if you needed it?