DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

So he left her pregnant and with a 1 year old? Delightful

I've got 4 under 5, who all live with me full time.
Guess what? Didn't mean I resented my other children whenever I brought a littler one home, nor did I snap at them for being excited over their new baby siblings.

But then I don't resent my other children being there.

Was she upset that they broke up?

And if the ex told him he needs a week with the 3& 4 yo in his home without the baby,?

I'm almost always on the side of the step parent as they do get a hard time on here but I can't get past the ages of his two other children, just 2 and 3 😔

He sounds like an irresponsible idiot to be bringing more children into the world with a new woman before his existing children are even out of nappies.

OP once you have established parenthood and some years of experience under your belt you will see it the same way. That guy is no prize.

I think it’s reasonable for you to need your space, however his kids are still SO young themselves, I think your expectations of their behaviour seem high. It should not be on you in any way to have to tell them off, and it’s fine for you to go and chill with baby while they are around.

I am struggling however to get my head around your partner having a 3 year old with someone else…. So 9 months ago you got pregnant, so his youngest would be 2 when you got pregnant, so he potentially met you when his youngest was 1 or even younger?? That is WILD to me. And maybe this accounts for why the ex is being “difficult”? I appreciate it might have been her that ended things but still so quick for him to have moved on and bring another woman into the kids lives. Red flag to me.

The thing is, you’ve chosen to have a baby with a man that has JUST had two babies with someone else. It was always going to be complicated and it always will. You’ll have issues like this with his ex for the next 20 years. He’s got 3 kids under 4 with two different women. If I were you I’d buckle up!

It sounds as though you think he will act differently with the children he has with you than with those he had with someone else.

You may be right. Second family syndrome is a thing. But when you have kids with a man who is already a father, your child is about them. The new baby is their sibling, born to their father. I'm afraid you don't get to push them out of the picture on your terms.

We might be seeing why the previous relationship broke down...

So I’m a widow - not a bitter ex - and your attitude to your step-children does not sound wonderful. They are your partners children just as much as your baby is. Whether the ex is ‘at it’ or not, nobody else can really say as we only know your view. All the adults involved have to work together to make sensible choices for the welfare of all children here. None of these children picked this family set-up but they do have to live with it. You all owe it to all of them, particularly your partner as he is the common denominator, to do what is right by them all.

What a catch, OP. I think it’s time he stepped up all all of his responsibilities.

Yup

It was always going to be hard having a baby with two young children in the house. He doesn’t stop being a parent just because it is a blended family.

he should be dealing with his ex and not sharing the drama she creates while you are newly postpartum. Yes, you have to deal with having the children around, but you don’t need to hear about his interactions with the woman if they cause you stress.

he also doesn’t have the children almost 50/50. 1 or 2 weekend nights is not 50/50. He isn’t doing half the time by any means and he also isn’t covering working days, school days, or appointments if all his time is on the weekend and a couple of dinners.

StoodySmithereens · Today 16:40

She’s jealous of you & your baby. Tell her to give you a break by looking after her own kids so you can spend some much needed alone time with yours. You’ll have the rest of your life with them, surely people can understand that this time is needed for you & your partner.

This!!! @StoodySmithereens totally agree

This. ^ Both of you must've realised when you decided to have a baby that it was going to be a juggle with two small children already in the mix. I imagine his ex is trying to ensure they don't get phased out by the new arrival.

As most of us know, having a baby is a very emotional time and you are not unreasonable to want time for the three of you to bond because the three of you are your own little unit. You and your DP will be the ones attending big life events for your little baby forever, you will always be mummy and daddy to this baby.

But, your DP also has a family unit which is both separate and a part of yours. Separate by the fact he and his ex will always be mummy and daddy, will always be the parents for big life events of their kids. Your baby will always be the little sibling. They can grown up together as a trio or as a duo and a one.

Your DP will always be a dad first to all three of his children. He doesn't get to send them away when they don't fit in, and you should be working with him to ensure his children as prioritised and loves during what must be a very difficult time.

Your DP should also have your interested at heart as well. He needs to pull himself in a lot of different directions to keep everyone happy, but this is a task of his own making and he should be stepping up to the mark. You need time to heal from the birth, time for you to settle into motherhood and understanding that you're going to be madly protective of your baby right now (I once snatched my baby away from the immediate danger of a sweet little elderly lady trying to give him a 50 pence piece because she surprised me and I just saw danger).

It is bloody hard - DN still very young went from being made a fuss from from Dad and new partner to their new baby and being dropped like a stone - told off left and could do nothing right.

When Dis moved on with new DP decade later and had next child his ex was a nightmare - which TBH they expected despite her being one who left. But demand for childcare soared and it mostly fell on DSis shoulders and our parents supporting her - it did put a strain on sis. When DSis and DP slit- she no longer see that child at all isn't allowed to and hasn't for years - nether do either of her kids.

You've chosen to have a baby with a man who still has two babies -they are still so little. It's hardly surprising it's not been easy! His two children are as important as your new one -maybe not to you, but to him. They have an equal place in his life. You knew this before having a relationship with him. I would imagine he doesn't want a "break" from seeing his own children who he loves.
you are very hormonal and knackered so take some time and let DP entertain the little ones when they come over while you rest upstairs with the baby. Congratulations.

First person I introduced my new baby to was it's siblings. First cuddle other than me and the dad went to the siblings. Those siblings are so important and need to not feel pushed out of the family when a new baby arrives.

Those poor children, still so young to understand their parents splitting up then having a new stepmother and baby sister. I think you are being incredibly harsh. What did you expect getting involved with and having a baby with a man who has children nearly babies themselves? Jesus

This is why I'd never have a baby with someone who already has kids. YAB so U. The baby is the sibling of his children. You should have thought about all of this before getting pregnant.

"she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split"

I'm assuming that should say palming the kids off.
And it's not palming the kids off to you both. It's expecting the other parent to do their 50% parenting. That is in no way palming them off 😂
You knew he had kids.
As to your question, it's normal to feel exhausted wither it's your first or 5th child, but life carries on. Your husband should be doing the bulk of the house work since he is on leave and all of the dsc's care because they are HIS responsibility.

@GonksAreNotJustForChristmas both have said they just fizzled out, and when hr tried to move on the first time she suddenly wanted to try again—they did and she then wasn’t sure again so he left for good. but they were very good friends for the 3 years separated—which i was happy with, she even spoke about blending families, having holidays and days out all together—up until i came into the picture and she began making very weird comments and trying to stake her claim over him. he eventually fell out with her after she went and told everyone i was pregnant when we weren’t ready for people to know. she has admitted herself that she is jealous—which i find odd considering she has a new partner herself.. i have treated my SC as if they were my own from the moment they came into my life. i am just frustrated that the agreed no nights weekend turned into 4 days because she didn’t want to ask anyone else to have them. she demands we have them constantly but the moment we ask for a weekend off all hell breaks loose. it’s been this way before and during my pregnancy and i can see it getting worse now DD is here.

@mikka404 your title is misleading... they're not the exs children they're your partners children.

A week for a dad to pretend he doesn’t have other kids? How’s that meant to make his children feel?

You’ve had a baby - share the joy. 🙄. It doesn’t need huge dramas..