DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

@Goodlard* You've know them five bloody minutes, they've not taught you a thing.

I also don't believe for one second their mum has asked you for parenting advice.

Stop acting like you're better than her, maybe then no she might be a bit nicer.*

I have read all your comments and I have to say you're not actually helping with the crazy bitter ex narrative.

And I'm a mum with a child that as a step mum. Op probably has a better idea of what's gone down in her life than you some random on MN. Do behave 😂

This.

i love them as if they were my own, they taught me what being a parent was about. they are my first babies.

You don’t need to say this stuff you know. Who are you trying to please when you say stuff like that?
Your baby is your first baby and he is teaching you what being a parent is about. Your stepchildren aren’t your first babies and they haven’t taught you anything.

By the way, I’m not saying this stuff to go against you. I can just tell you’re saying certain stuff because you feel like you have to e.g. “dsc are my first babies”. I never believe a stepmum when they say stuff like that. You don’t have to say stuff like that to prove yourself as a good stepmum. Your baby is your first baby and the relationship between you both is very different.

It's the board you're on sadly.

Your post also comes up in active and I originally jumped in to let you know not all exs wives are like this "referring to the nasty comments you have received on here" and I believe you have had some sound advice from the more sensible posters in between all this.

People project usually from a place of pain. Being a mum is hard. It does get better I can promise you that.

Also I'm a step kid and went to my grans when we had a new arrival in the family for a little while and had the time of my life. No trauma here and my sm - well she's a bloody diamond I actually don't know how she puts up with my father if I'm quite honest 😂

Hi op, your sc behaving this way is completely normal. If they were your kids there'd have been accidents too. Can't remember the number of times my 3 year old had accidents with the baby. This will not go away even if they come once or everyday to your house. Only goes away by age. Don't get angry at them cos of their mum. Also think that if they were your bio kids they'd be home...you wouldn't have anytime to bond with the baby only by yourself and dp. So why treat this situation differently? Everyone including kids first wife dad might be feeling a bit insecure now too so emotions must be high.

How condescending. Telling someone, and believing it yourself, that the board is anything to do with responses allows you to continue to justify to yourself how you have acted. It isnt the board. Many people do not even look at the board. They respond purely to the post.

@funinthesun19 i know i don’t need to say it, but truly i do feel it. of course my baby is going to teach me things my stepchildren couldn’t. perhaps saying they prepped me would be better?

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB how I have acted ? 😂 go on I enjoy a good laugh.

Wow, this is all kinds of mental ex crazy. Go get yourself a stiff drink and write about your exs new girlfriend in your burn book.

@namechangnancy i’m a stepkid also and stayed with my mum when my younger siblings were born so i didn’t think this was such a massive deal 🤷🏻‍♀️

you blamed the board! Hilarious! Such a ridiculous comment. What a joke! Like people look the board! they read the post.

hahahhahahaha the board. Good one.

How old are you, op?

also how long have you been with him?

It's not tbh. I will happily have my dd for period my ex and his wife if they decide to have kids.

Probably buy them a gift too.

Some people really don't like blended families. Some comment from a place of pain, some people comment because the sad matter of fact is, not everyone in a blended family gets to chose if their children are part of one, or like to think that if they split up with the their partner, he would never remarry or have more kids.

The truth of the matter is there isn't a rule book when it comes to step families, even if there was there would be people saying it was completely wrong, not everyone agrees

And I say this kindly I do agree with @funinthesun19 it maybe it is love but a different type of love and that's ok.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB

Also anyone can use the search function on mumsnet aibu is pretty well known for it and several people have mentioned already.

But genuinely are you ok ? 😂 maybe put down the wine or whatever your taking.

i love them as if they were my own, they taught me what being a parent was about. they are my first babies

Really? You love them as if they were your own?

In that case you're a better woman than I am.

Your fondness shines through in posts like As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic), or this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us

@namechangnancy of course it’s a different kind of love, that’s not lost on me. i mean it in the sense that i treated, cared for and loved them like they were my own from the offset, and will continue to do so.

@atthecoreofallyoudo has nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with their mother. i won’t bother explaining as i’m sure there will be something wrong with that also.

I know you will.

I don't doubt your sincerity.

Last bit of advice, don't try to explain yourself to people who will deliberately try to misunderstand you. It's not about you, it's about them.

Although I will say that having just given birth you are in a vulnerable state, and your dh should be doing everything in his power to handle his ex and keep whatever drama she causes away from you and all the children.

@namechangnancy thank you, i really have appreciated this exchange

omg stop it. People are allowed to disagree with you (and OP) without it being about them “projecting their pain”. I do not have an ex husband who’s left me and my kids for another woman, but I find the OP’s posts extremely troubling. My concerns have nothing to do with relationship jealousy issues and everything to do with my concerns around child welfare/ wellbeing , and children’s mental health.

OP, a final word of advice, if you are sincere in your love for your step children, I suggest you also work on your attitude towards their mother. The kids will pick up on your contempt for her and it will not be a happy situation for them.

Hi again OP,

I've read your OP again and your replies, and I think people are jumping the gun a bit because your OP doesn't quite read well. It didn't state that you'd pre-arranged a whole week without nights - only that you were hoping for it. There's where I thought you were BU. I did also think the ex was being unreasonable from the comments she'd made, plus the "stuck in traffic" thing.

Now that I've read your replies and she actually went to Scotland despite the pre-arranged nights being covered, she's being very unreasonable.

As a side note, the AIBU board can seem quite daunting and rude (don't get me wrong, it can be!) but adding important details in subsequent posts makes it hard for others to post based on facts.

Hope you recover soon and you adjust to new parenthood quickly!

@Tandora I said the word some, and I don't remember specifically mentioning you or your back ground 😂 Not directed at you or anyone else specifically, if I had I would have tagged you in it. I'm sorry I how I worded things has struck a cord with you though.

The conversation you're picking on is one I made to op but it is interesting that you felt compelled to tell me your background when it wasn't asked for (given I wasn't talking about anyone specifically)

Frankly also I think the kids will know of how mum feels towards op, and I think any damage to the children will reside with her.
Op doesn't have to like, love or even respect the mum in this scenario, and all she does is has to treat mum like mums treated her.
You reap what you sow and that cuts both ways.

If your a arsehole to someone, that person doesn't owe you kindness.

@Tandora my partner and i do not speak about things regarding their mother in front of them, and if they bring her up in conversation i’m always pleasant. the same cannot be said for her unfortunately. there have been multiple instances where my stepdaughter has told me “my mum says she doesn’t like you,” “mum says you’re not allowed in the house that’s why you wait in the car”, “my mum says you’re mean” — i’ve been nothing but civil with their mother since the moment we met, even after everything she has said and done i refuse to argue back with her when she tries.

OP, nearly all my notifications are you replying to this thread.

In the nicest possible way, don't you have a newborn baby to be bonding with?

@namechangnancy
Frankly also I think the kids will know of how mum feels towards op, and I think any damage to the children will reside with her.
Op doesn't have to like, love or even respect the mum in this scenario, and all she does is has to treat mum like mums treated her.
You reap what you sow and that cuts both ways.

If your a arsehole to someone, that person doesn't owe you kindness.

Perhaps the OP and her DP are in fact reaping what they sowed and this toxic co-parenting relationship began with their behaviour.....perhaps they were the arseholes which is why the ex doesn't show them kindness.

There is enough details and ever so convenient drip feeds in this story that make me believe that that is the case.