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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
Tandora · 15/12/2023 16:28

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 16:02

Right I’m interested in “the step children’s interests should come first”. What does this mean in practice?

That any subsequent children should second fiddle? Never ever be put first over the SC? Even if they say “don’t feed that baby we want to go to a theme park” for example. OP should say ‘yes’ because their interests should ‘always come first’?

That even when the stepmum has gone through a huge medical procedure that she should forget all about her health and well-being and be at their beck and call?

That the OP should always give the SC what they want even if it’s at an unreasonable detriment to the rest of the world?

What do you actually mean? What does this look like in a normal household with varying needs?

Show quote history

*That any subsequent children should second fiddle? Never ever be put first over the SC? Even if they say “don’t feed that baby we want to go to a theme park” for example. OP should say ‘yes’ because their interests should ‘always come first’?

That even when the stepmum has gone through a huge medical procedure that she should forget all about her health and well-being and be at their beck and call?

That the OP should always give the SC what they want even if it’s at an unreasonable detriment to the rest of the world?*

this is exactly the kind of petulance that I find absurd on mumsnet step parenting threads.

is this how any good parent is expected to treat their own children? Of course not. Then why would anyone be implying it is how the kids should be treated in this case?

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 16:40

Tandora · 15/12/2023 16:28

*That any subsequent children should second fiddle? Never ever be put first over the SC? Even if they say “don’t feed that baby we want to go to a theme park” for example. OP should say ‘yes’ because their interests should ‘always come first’?

That even when the stepmum has gone through a huge medical procedure that she should forget all about her health and well-being and be at their beck and call?

That the OP should always give the SC what they want even if it’s at an unreasonable detriment to the rest of the world?*

this is exactly the kind of petulance that I find absurd on mumsnet step parenting threads.

is this how any good parent is expected to treat their own children? Of course not. Then why would anyone be implying it is how the kids should be treated in this case?

Show quote history

So he’s never allowed a week off, ever??? Gosh you would think I was the worst parent ever for going on holiday without my youngest children and my DH similarly.

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/12/2023 16:42

this is exactly the kind of petulance that I find absurd on mumsnet step parenting threads.

That's largely why I ignored it.

I'm not going to go through every conceivable situation that a step parent might find themselves in and dictate what should happen there. I'll just say that yes, when you have kids or enter their lives, you need to put their best interests first because they're the dependents and unlike you, they have no choice or control in the situation. They certainly should not be denied their usual time with their father because he's had another child and they're not being "palmed off" when they spend time with him.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 16:43

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 16:40

So he’s never allowed a week off, ever??? Gosh you would think I was the worst parent ever for going on holiday without my youngest children and my DH similarly.

Show quote history

Did I say that??
although my eldest is 4 and I’ve certainly never had a week off 😂. I don’t think I’m remotely unusual in that respect.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 16:44

So many women on here promoting women being women being martyrs! Why?!

FestiveFruitloop · 15/12/2023 16:49

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 16:44

So many women on here promoting women being women being martyrs! Why?!

I think we have quite a few halo-polishers on this thread.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 16:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 16:44

So many women on here promoting women being women being martyrs! Why?!

No one is promoting women being matyrs:. They are promoting the idea that it’s not ok to treat step children like an optional, unwelcome inconvenience , and it’s not ok to call another woman (the terrible ex) bitter, spiteful and jealous or accusing her of “palming” off her kids, because she’s asking dad to have his kids. It’s also not ok to pretend that dad having his kids 1/7 nights + 2/7 tea times is 50% parenting 😂😂.

Technonan · 15/12/2023 17:03

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 16:48

they had been separated two years before he and i even met, so no, i wasn’t the OW. It was planned and agreed we wouldn’t have them overnight at all the first week and then out of nowhere she made plans and left us with no choice but to have them for four.

But given these timings, even assuming you got pregnant immediately, the youngest SC was tiny. SS is three, so let's say he's near to four. They were separated two years when you met him, so if you got pregnant straight away, taking in the length of time for a pregnancy, your youngest SS can't have been one when you met, and may have been younger. The older one was what, under two? What was your DH thinking, starting another family when his children from his previous relationship were so young? What was he thinking, leaving such a young family? And - I'm sorry to be unkind - what were you thinking when you decided to have children with him so very early in your relationship?

Your SC are very young and will behave like this. They're toddlers. Your DH ex may well have good reason to be extremely pissed off with him (I don't know, obviously) and not in the leat bit inclined to change her plans to accommodate his new child. She is probably angry with him for having another child so soon, knowing how it will impact her children. I wouldn't be blaming her - she isn't being unreasonable, she's just refusing to make concessions for a situation that is not her responsibility. Why should she?

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 17:10

Tandora · 15/12/2023 16:52

No one is promoting women being matyrs:. They are promoting the idea that it’s not ok to treat step children like an optional, unwelcome inconvenience , and it’s not ok to call another woman (the terrible ex) bitter, spiteful and jealous or accusing her of “palming” off her kids, because she’s asking dad to have his kids. It’s also not ok to pretend that dad having his kids 1/7 nights + 2/7 tea times is 50% parenting 😂😂.

Show quote history

@Tandora

op was asking for a few days of rest after giving birth. Cos she needed it. That’s all. I do feel that anyone who tries to tell OP that she didn’t need that, or didn’t have a right to it, or is selfish for wanting that is a martyr.

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 17:10

Tandora · 15/12/2023 16:43

Did I say that??
although my eldest is 4 and I’ve certainly never had a week off 😂. I don’t think I’m remotely unusual in that respect.

Show quote history

The Implication that’s it unreasonable for him to have a week off from looking after his older children. Could you not take a week off while your partner on annual leave if you fancy? I’ve been on holiday with just my older children while younger kids had a great time with daddy and we had a great time together when DH similarly took DSC on holiday. Had completely kid free holidays when was a single parent and ex would take kids on holiday for the week

FestiveFruitloop · 15/12/2023 17:18

It would be interesting to see what happens when the ex has her baby. By which I mean, is she going to ask for her older DC to spend more time with their other parent so she can have time/space to bond with the baby without them around? And if so, would she be judged as harshly as OP is being judged, or would people still be making excuses for her?

If people disagree with the OP, that's their prerogative, but let's not pretend the exes in these situations are all lily white either.

Cockapoo1211 · 15/12/2023 17:20

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 16:44

So many women on here promoting women being women being martyrs! Why?!

I think the promotion is that step parents should be matyrs .

Original poster
mikka404 · 15/12/2023 17:24

@FestiveFruitloop she has asked us to have them for a full week once her little one arrives, and we agreed, which is why i was irritated she suddenly changed her mind and instead took a trip with her new partner to scotland after the birth of mine. these plans have been in place for months and her trip was spontaneously booked the day i gave birth.

OP posts:
NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 17:26

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 17:24

@FestiveFruitloop she has asked us to have them for a full week once her little one arrives, and we agreed, which is why i was irritated she suddenly changed her mind and instead took a trip with her new partner to scotland after the birth of mine. these plans have been in place for months and her trip was spontaneously booked the day i gave birth.

Well if she’s been playing games OP, what’s to stop you doing the same when HER baby arrives ??

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 17:32

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/12/2023 16:19

Right I’m interested in “the step children’s interests should come first”. What does this mean in practice?

In this particular case, that they should continue to see their father and meet their new sibling via their normal pattern even if the stepmother doesn't want them to because he now has another child. They're still his kids as much as the new baby. She doesn't need to parent them for him but she does need not to obstruct his normal parenting of them (such as it is), nor view him parenting them as them being "palmed off" on him.

Literally, the actual discussion that's going on.

Sorry, but when you choose to enter a child's life like that, the priority must still be normal parenting for them.

Show quote history

So there are never any concessions ever, such as when they step parent is in recovery from a medical procedure?

In a house where parents are together a new baby shakes up a routine - to expect any household to function 100% as it did before is, perhaps, possible? But it makes invisible a pretty important person in all this - the new mum.

No stepmum had to sign her visibility, her health or her needs away just because her OH has children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 17:38

“No stepmum had to sign her visibility, her health or her needs away just because her OH has children.”

yassssss! Who in their right mind could argue with this?!

Original poster
mikka404 · 15/12/2023 17:41

@NearlyMonday is it worth the aggro that would follow? she already causes arguments over the smallest of things, us backing out of an agreement, even though she did so first, would cause hell on earth i believe. both my partner and i also do not enjoy playing tit for tat like she does

OP posts:
silverheartstogether · 15/12/2023 17:50

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 17:38

“No stepmum had to sign her visibility, her health or her needs away just because her OH has children.”

yassssss! Who in their right mind could argue with this?!

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

silverheartstogether · 15/12/2023 17:51

her trip was spontaneously booked the day i gave birth.

Says it all. It's so apparent what she was doing.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 17:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 17:10

@Tandora

op was asking for a few days of rest after giving birth. Cos she needed it. That’s all. I do feel that anyone who tries to tell OP that she didn’t need that, or didn’t have a right to it, or is selfish for wanting that is a martyr.

Show quote history

This is a gross simplification of the situation and not at all what people were objecting to in OP’s post, of course all women need some rest after giving birth, unfortunately when there are older children in the family that can be more difficult to achieved, but DP must absolutely do his part.

silverheartstogether · 15/12/2023 17:53

What was he thinking, leaving such a young family?

As OP clarified right at the beginning, he was adhering to the ex's wishes - she didn't want the relationship anymore so he left.

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 17:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 17:38

“No stepmum had to sign her visibility, her health or her needs away just because her OH has children.”

yassssss! Who in their right mind could argue with this?!

Probably the same people who’d agree a woman should have agency after giving birth, when it comes to ILs/mates/nosey neighbours. But they literally think these rights should be stripped from someone who had dared to fall in love with a NRP.

Honestly I think a lot of people on MN are projecting when it comes to stepmums. Like sorry your exH moved on but it doesn’t give you the right to stick the boot into step mums!

Im from a split home. You’d be amazed how much kids like me easily adapt to change, differing dynamics and here’s a little secret: most of the time they don’t mind at all.

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 17:53

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 17:26

Well if she’s been playing games OP, what’s to stop you doing the same when HER baby arrives ??

Show quote history

Oh yes, being treated like pawns in a game being played by some very immature and irresponsible adults, AGAIN. Just what these children need. FFS.

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 17:54

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 17:41

@NearlyMonday is it worth the aggro that would follow? she already causes arguments over the smallest of things, us backing out of an agreement, even though she did so first, would cause hell on earth i believe. both my partner and i also do not enjoy playing tit for tat like she does

OP I always say when in doubt, be the bigger person. Carry on with what you agreed and be smug in the knowledge that one day, when your SC scrutinise who behaved well and who didn’t (and trust me, they will!) you and your DH will come out on top

Tandora · 15/12/2023 17:55

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 17:53

Probably the same people who’d agree a woman should have agency after giving birth, when it comes to ILs/mates/nosey neighbours. But they literally think these rights should be stripped from someone who had dared to fall in love with a NRP.

Honestly I think a lot of people on MN are projecting when it comes to stepmums. Like sorry your exH moved on but it doesn’t give you the right to stick the boot into step mums!

Im from a split home. You’d be amazed how much kids like me easily adapt to change, differing dynamics and here’s a little secret: most of the time they don’t mind at all.

Show quote history

Such a manipulative distortion of what people are saying 🙄🙄🙄.
Also super misogynistic. Not all opinions expressed by women are the product of being bitter and jealous because they couldn’t keep a man 🥱.

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