DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Comments like that one you quoted concern me FAR more than a stepmum wanting a rest.

People who ‘stay for the kids’ only achieve giving them a lifetime of therapy and fucked relationships.

No - but some 100% are.

Im not a misogynist - I’m not the one calling for the invisibility and eradication of basic respect of women who are step mums.

You still haven’t answered if “the children come first” in ALL instances? Never one iota of wiggle room over anything?

@LeaveBritneyAlone that has been my mindset the entire duration of the relationship. i don’t argue back with her when she tries—my partner struggles to bite his tongue sometimes because she comes out with vile things and lies about how things have gone down. but majority of the time she’s arguing with a brick wall

Best. You need to have a working relationship with her for the next couple of decades at least - calm in all things is best, if possible.

You're being utterly pathetic. Badly behaved 3 and 4 year olds 😂 of course your own child will be saintly.

@LeaveBritneyAlone
Completely agree with you on all the points you make. Utterly ridiculous the way step mums are treated on here.

I’m not the one calling for the invisibility and eradication of basic respect of women who are step mums

no one is calling for this. This is entirely your projection.

you are also the one endorsing the OP when she calls her partner’s ex “vile”, “bitter”, “jealous”, “palming her kids off” and outrageously claiming dad does 50% when he does about 15%. How is this in the service of feminism exactly? The epitome of misogyny. Of course the female ex is always “crazy” and “bitter” 🙄🙄. And all the women saying it’s not ok to treat step kids like an optional inconvenience must be crazy , bitter ex’es too right?

Are you a parent? If so, I’m sure you know what it means to put the kids’ needs first. Does that mean you can’t have any time to yourself and you always have to do exactly what your kids demand? Of course not. But this argument came up because a pp Said that the feelings of the 3/4 year olds did not “supersede” those of OP (an adult woman). Which was a totally outrageous thing to say, for reasons already set out.

you are also the one endorsing the OP when she calls her partner’s ex “vile”, “bitter”, “jealous”, “palming her kids off”

Have I? Where?

Even so - it’s perfectly possible that she right. Not all women are brilliant mothers.

How is this in the service of feminism exactly?

I’m sorry I must have missed the memo that says women can only be lovely and complimentary about other women even when those other women behave appallingly. Better hand my Feminism Card back in

And all the women saying it’s not ok to treat step kids like an optional inconvenience must be crazy , bitter ex’es too right?

<Looks around, puzzled>…who has said this? No one. People have just defended OP’s right to have some agency after a huge medical procedure.

Are you a parent? If so, I’m sure you know what it means to put the kids’ needs first. Does that mean you can’t have any time to yourself and you always have to do exactly what your kids demand? Of course not. But this argument came up because a pp Said that the feelings of the 3/4 year olds did not “supersede” those of OP (an adult woman). Which was a totally outrageous thing to say, for reasons already set out.

I have 2 children. Their needs come first when it is reasonable, fair and do-able. Sometimes MY needs come first - and my kids have been raised to understand that. They understood that ages 3 and 4 even. In fact DD was 3 when DS was born and she HAD to understand that now we had a baby things changed and that my health and well-being was paramount. It wasn’t outrageous at all - in fact my kids are a bit older now and see me as a human, not just Mum, someone worthy of respect, not as a martyr to the cause of them. I’d highly recommend raising your children this way.

So Unless the situation is “let the kids come over or one of them will drop dead”, nothing is so drastic that, for once, the OP’s wishes can’t come first

Looks around, puzzled>…who has said this? No one.

Ahem. I believe this was you?

“Honestly I think a lot of people on MN are projecting.. Like sorry your exH moved on but it doesn’t give you the right to stick the boot into step mums!”.

So these poor kids had their parents separate, their dad meet a new partner who then VERY quickly becomes pregnant and then their mum meets a new partner and also very quickly becomes pregnant?

I feel sorry for all of the existing and soon to exist children in all of this. You don’t have to procreate with every person you have a relationship with and maybe procreating with someone who already has two babies with someone else isn’t the wisest decision either.

you all need your heads knocking together. And better contraception.

Exactly, if OP didn’t want a 3 year old and a 4 year old around after she gave birth, she probably shouldn’t have had a baby with a parent of a 3 and 4 year old 🙄. Simple as that, nothing to do with stripping step mums of “agency”, “respect” and “rights” 🙄🙄.

Seem to be a lot of assumptions about the ‘feelings’ of these 3 and 4 year olds. If they were to stay with mummy for the week I very much doubt they would notice, or even if they did be that bothered about it. I remember I loved going to my dad’s at weekends but there were times when I would if skipped weekends and don’t remember being traumatised by that as was usually doing something fun with my mum. The same with my own children, it’s always been a bit if a non issue if contact arrangements have changed. It’s completely different scenario if a parent literally abandons them or doesn’t turn up for no reason when they’ve been looking forward to time with them. Kids are much more about the individual interactions they have with their parents, the atmosphere in a house etc, having a general feeling they are loved by mummy and daddy. The fact that mummy or daddy can’t be there with them all the time isn’t so important, especially if in safe base with the other parent. I remember feeling homesick as a child but never when at either of my parents houses with one of them. I’ve seen kids be abandoned or sidelined by their parent after meeting a new partner (and their children) cold behaviour towards their own children, insults etc and basically making them feel 2nd class compared to the new partner’s children, even blatantly stating their partners children are now the priority and then eventually abandoning their own children and that is heartbreaking and damaging but this isn’t that at all

she has asked us to have them for a full week once her little one arrives, and we agreed, which is why i was irritated she suddenly changed her mind and instead took a trip with her new partner to scotland after the birth of mine. these plans have been in place for months and her trip was spontaneously booked the day i gave birth

This should have been your OP.
She's sounds like a manipulative nightmare. You are doing so well to grey rock this kind of bullshit, you really are.
You deserved better than two sick kids being unilaterally dumped at your door a few days PP. Ignore anyone who says otherwise.
Mother of the century isn't she?

1. Deliberately undermining goodwill with co parent

1. Sending her kids away when they are sick
2. Knowingly sending them somewhere they are actively not wanted right now in order to sow unhappiness
3. If you believe what PPs say, about to cause untold psychological harm to her children when she sends them away so she can recover when she herself gives birth.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. What a peach. Poor kids.

It's a trip to Scotland now! Honestly the drip drip drip never ends.

@Goodlard i wasn’t aware i had to lay out every tiny detail of what has been going on to please everyone on here—my mistake.

Ahem, this is not saying “all the women saying it’s not ok to treat step kids like an optional inconvenience must be crazy , bitter ex’es too right? “

It is saying many women on MN project their own issues with their ex onto stepmums no matter this topic. Stop catastrophising and exaggerating other people’s words

It wouldn’t matter if the ex was in Scotland or Timbuktu, her exact location has no bearing on the situation

You know I think I would book a spontaneous trip away the day she gives birth too.

She can't exactly complain can she. Just say it's so the kids don't feel pushed out and enable family time. Such a good price, couldn't help it.

"Awaits people flooding in to say"
this is a spiteful petty thing to do - which it is btw but people going to have a hard time justifying why it was ok for mum to do to you and you not do it back. I'm all for the moral high ground but realistically this mum knew what post birth was and how bad it can get, and did that anyway. That's an added extra bit of spite that actually makes her quite callous.

What comes around goes around and as you can see via this thread, no matter what you do as a step mum people will always class you as wicked. Might as well retain some level of self.

Remember she's not the only mum now in the equation, and probably finds it's very disconcerting.

Do what you need to do. Men don't beaten half as badly as women do for admitting they are human and sometimes need a moment, ffs your not banning the kids from the house 🙄

You don't. That person is just being a bell end.

I told you I'm not going through every scenario you can make up to try to make a point.

In this case, there's no reason the kids should be denied their usual contact time with their father and new sibling. OP doesn't need to parent them while they're there but no, she can't use his new child as a reason to obstruct the old ones. I don't know where you're getting this idea that continuing to parent his children as usual makes OP invisible. It's not a zero sum game. But she chose to enter these kids' lives and no, she cannot banish them from their usual parenting because there's a new one in the mix. That is exactly the sort of change you shouldn't make when there's a new baby, for reasons I'd think were obvious.

Stop catastrophising and exaggerating other people’s words

lol the only person doing this is you.

@namechangnancy people on here seem to be running with the narrative that i said i hate my stepchildren, and wish for them to never stay again because i have my own child now. i love them as if they were my own, they taught me what being a parent was about. they are my first babies. it was a mutual decision by all four adults (myself, my partner, their mother and her partner) to have no overnights the first week, but some how i am in the wrong for being irritated it never happened😅 i said earlier i only stumbled across this site yesterday so thought it would be an okay place to seek advice but as so many have now pointed out, there’s no space for stepparents here.

You've know them five bloody minutes, they've not taught you a thing.

I also don't believe for one second their mum has asked you for parenting advice.

Stop acting like you're better than her, maybe then no she might be a bit nicer.

I think the bottom like from all your updates OP is that your DP and his ex refuse to act like responsible adults for the sake of their DC.

So surely going forward, the sensible thing would be to move toward a set in stone contact schedule for the DC. With no movement, asking for favours, bitchiness or game playing. The two parents communicate about the DC and nothing else. All four children are going to need you all to grow up and give them stability or their childhood will be a shit show.

@Goodlard i don’t really care what you believe and what you don’t. i know what’s what and i don’t have to upload picture evidence to appease the likes of you. you’re sitting behind a screen with a tidbit of information on a much larger issue and thinking you know it all. i don’t act like i’m better than her either but by all means think what you like. her issue with me is that i am with the ex she didn’t want but didn’t want anyone else to have, that is all.