DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

I did not say OP was more important

No, you said the kids feelings don’t come first , when of course they absolutely do. This is a basic norm/ principle of society and nothing to do with being a step parent or not. Children - by virtue of their age, development, lack of capacity, situation of dependency , etc. - are especially vulnerable and in need of care, support and protection, they always come first. Especially toddlers aged just 3 and 4.

When indeed they are made to feel so that’s a completely different issue, skipping staying over for a week isn’t going to cause that. The child being there and creating a lot of stress (which can be the case even with one’s own children as I see in action) will be far more harmful to all parties.
I totally appreciate you didn’t feel it to be the right course of action for your child but the implication was there that parents of children from larger families are just not as sensitive to their children. All children are different, with one of my toddlers it wouldn’t have bothered me if they were home as they were so easy, I suspect those who were more than happy to just get on with it had those types. The one I put up to full time nursery I knew we would all be happier and we were. It’s funny how it’s fine for women to use childcare to pursue a career or earn enough for a couple to live in a fancier area or go on holidays but suddenly it’s oh so harmful if it’s actually to give the mother a break. As if mothers don’t really matter in themselves and as for the kids they supposedly dont pick up on a stressed miserable mother as long as she’s hiding it well enough

It’s funny how it’s fine for women to use childcare to pursue a career or earn enough for a couple to live in a fancier area or go on holidays but suddenly it’s oh so harmful if it’s actually to give the mother a break. As if mothers don’t really matter in themselves and as for the kids they supposedly dont pick up on a stressed miserable mother as long as she’s hiding it well enough

Amen. Or almost as if childcare / raising children isn't work. The OP has been given such a hard time here, some of the comments are bordering on sadistic. Having so recently given birth to her first baby, she should have been supported and cared for in the calmest way possible. Being alone in her room while her dp dealt with two other very young children is absolutely not ideal - why shouldn't she want a set up that would help her come to physical and emotional terms with one of the most exhausting and transformative experiences of anyone's life? I swear Mumsnet is so often anti-mother, particularly if someone is a stepmother.

You can prioritise children's wellbeing without being a slave to their 'feelings'. In this case, it sounds like it would have been better all round for the children to remain in the home they spend most time with rather than where there's a brand new baby. All the projection about them being pushed out and so on is just projection. Adjusting to the new situation is better done when everyone is rested and calmer, not with a 2 day old in the mix.

I know lots of families who did this, older children stayed with wider family for a few days after the baby was born and came home so the mum could get rest (and supporting her could be the main focus of the dad)

Children should be put first by their own parents. But in every family, there's a balance of need and it's delicate in blended families. OP doesn't owe her stepkids that. I am not saying be unkind, but she does also have needs and has just given birth. It's for her partner to manage, and in this instance, I am getting visions of the partner not really tending to his toddlers while OP is trying to recover from giving birth.

Besides which, I don't think it's going to cause massive trauma to these toddlers to have to stay a few extra days with their OWN MUM.

Once upon a time back before being in a stepfamily (I was widowed), I had to stay in hospital a few days after my second baby. DS spent a lot more time with my parents- his grandparents. I don't believe this caused him some massive trauma.

I'm not an ex, me and DH had no children when we met. Our children are ours and we're still together.
I still think you have to accept these two young kids are part of your family and you can't not have them to stay because you've had a baby. That's not how it works. We didn't send our older kids away when we had a new baby, imagine how upsetting for them that would be! These kids are just as important as your DD! They sound like they need a lot of love and reassurance, not more discipline! Be a good step mum and accept that they are still young. It's your choice how you want this to go, if you push them away, you'll never have a peaceful, loving family life.

I didn't say all parents of larger families, I said some. In response to you telling a poster not to be so ridiculous for suggesting a DC might not cope with being sent away when a new baby is born.

Your posts seem to solely focus on the woman and what you wanted and needed. I wanted another child, I wanted more time to myself, I found my older DC hard work when I had a baby, why shouldn't I have a career, child free holidays and 5 DC. Mothers matter, I matter. Yes women do matter, but at some point you need to take a step back and say I am the adult here, I created these children and I need to take responsibility for them. Noone is saying in this situation OP should be taking on responsibility, but their Dad should be.

And FWIW no my eldest is not easy, as stated in a previous response to you.

but the implication was there that parents of children from larger families are just not as sensitive to their children

I wasn’t the one that said that, I come from a larger family and also have a large family and think they can be great for kids :).
I also totally support childcare for giving mothers a break.

I think we mostly agree tbh, except for perhaps on the OP’s post …

I don’t think the kids skipping staying at their dad’s for a week is necessarily going to hurt them- they are so small after all, but OP’s perspective is concerning to me.
She thinks her partner does 50/50 for his older children when he’s doing more like 15%. She accuses mum of being jealous and spiteful and “palming off” the kids on them. She says her step children are badly behaved and don’t listen (what 3/ 4 year old reliably listens 🥴). She wants her SDC absent so she and DH can “bond” with new baby- as if her SDC are a hindrance to that , when they are in fact a part of the family. She thinks that SDCs mere presence is spoiling / overshadowing the arrival of her new baby. It just doesn’t seem to bode well for things to come.. 🙁

Stepmums have to stay in their lane, but also put the stepkids first.

Yes, of course. How is that a contradiction? Anyone in a parental role or position should be putting the kids first. What contradiction do you see?

@Fionaville

”I still think you have to accept these two young kids are part of your family and you can't not have them to stay because you've had a baby. That's not how it works”

says who?

@NonPlayerCharacter

shes not in a parental role. They have two actual parents in the parental role.
hth.

in the context of a (blended) family, the young DC’s needs come first (step children or otherwise). OP certainly owes her SDC recognition of this. Not “being unkind” is really not nearly a good enough baseline. Yes there is a balance to be struck and OP is also important, but OP is an adult, she is not vulnerable or dependent in the same way, she has capacity and choices.

That's what you go through after having a baby it ain't no walk in the park.

Acutely aware of that thanks 😂

@Tandora
in the context of a (blended) family, the young DC’s needs come first (step children or otherwise).

So in this case the youngest in this family ops child. Who is a new born.... but I'm guessing your about to go no not ops baby, that doesn't count.

But a sizeable percentage of newborns will arrive home to a house with older siblings already in it, it’s not going to be damaging to the new baby. She just happens to have a brother and a sister, like a lot of other newborns she is not an only child. It is, however, potentially damaging to the older kids to not be allowed in their home for a certain amount of time purely because of their new sister. That also applies when their mum gives birth. Their routine and contact should stay stable and consistent.

I'm afraid it doesn't "h", because she is in a step parent role. By getting involved with a father, she accepts his kids as part of the package and that their interests should come first (and they will, if he's as good a parent as she says he is).

There is no contradiction to her "staying in her lane" and putting the kids first after choosing to enter their lives via their father.

of course I wouldn’t say that- why would i? I deliberately worded my post to include OP’s baby.

NRTFT but I imagine by the poll results (and the fact you’re a stepmum which on MN by default makes you Evil) you’ve probably had a kicking.

So I’m going to say what I’d say if I knew you IRL 2 you’re a new mum, take care of yourself! The SC will be fine if the routine is shaken up a little. It might even do them good to be told to treat you with respect as every new mum should be.

Right I’m interested in “the step children’s interests should come first”. What does this mean in practice?

That any subsequent children should second fiddle? Never ever be put first over the SC? Even if they say “don’t feed that baby we want to go to a theme park” for example. OP should say ‘yes’ because their interests should ‘always come first’?

That even when the stepmum has gone through a huge medical procedure that she should forget all about her health and well-being and be at their beck and call?

That the OP should always give the SC what they want even if it’s at an unreasonable detriment to the rest of the world?

What do you actually mean? What does this look like in a normal household with varying needs?

The vast majority of us absolutely adore our children and want to do the best for them. I think we all start off under the illusion that the more we sacrifice ourselves then the more we give our children. I’ve seen so many martyrs over the years (myself included) to realise how counterproductive that approach is.
Of course I’ve seen parents who are totally selfish on the other hand and the huge pain and damage that has caused.
Its about balance, happy parents who love their kids, give them cuddles when they’re feeling down, guide and advise them whether that’s dealing with a tricky friend situation or just how to behave in a way that will help them and others get on in life. Ensuring them all the care for term to be happy and healthy.
I said I appreciate you did not feel it would be something your child could cope with and my child was totally fine with it and better all doing for everyone. All kids are different and we both know best what our own children but yes the assumption that older children have to be tied to you less they might feel jealous of a new baby is twaddle. If a child is like that it’s going to be regardless of a new baby

Birth mum is then a factual and appropriate term in those circumstances.

I am a very present and loving mother, I have majority time with the children (80%) I’m the default parent that does all the life admin (gp, dentist, school, pta, extra curriculars etc) not to mention shoulders all the costs of the children. Custodian of the passports, holder of the lives with order etc.

Birth mother I am not. I’m simply their mum, dad gf that’s known my kids less than 8 weeks needs to stop calling me that, especially in front of them. It’s entirely done to upset me and cause friction.

Right I’m interested in “the step children’s interests should come first”. What does this mean in practice?

In this particular case, that they should continue to see their father and meet their new sibling via their normal pattern even if the stepmother doesn't want them to because he now has another child. They're still his kids as much as the new baby. She doesn't need to parent them for him but she does need not to obstruct his normal parenting of them (such as it is), nor view him parenting them as them being "palmed off" on him.

Literally, the actual discussion that's going on.

Sorry, but when you choose to enter a child's life like that, the priority must still be normal parenting for them.

Says a decent society that wants children to be raised in a loving family.