Page 33 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 12:33

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 12:21

No they won’t, my little one didn’t see having nursery hours upped to full time as being banished away for new baby or the older kids staying with their mum/grandma, my DC didn’t see staying with me for 2 weeks as being banished from their dad when he went on holiday. Honestly your being completely ridiculous, you would expect my poor kids to have PTSD from a dad who works away 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

I don't know how else to tell you that this is not the same.

Going to nursery, even for longer hours, is not the same as not being welcome to spend the night at your parent's house because they have had a new baby.

Even going to stay with your grandparents for a couple of nights while your mum who you usually live with full time is in hospital with your new sibling is not the same as your dad and stepmum who only have you for a couple of nights a week to begin with saying they don't even want you around that much for the time being because they have had a new baby.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 12:36

Itsaselectionbox · 15/12/2023 12:29

My DC would absolutely struggle with a big change in routine such as being upped to full time nursery whilst also dealing with a big change such as a new baby. Without meaning to sound offensive, you do see this with parents of large families. A 'they'll be reet' attitude towards older kids. I personally think when you have lots of DC, you do not always have enough time to dedicate to always noticing the small changes in older DC. But that is totally off topic with regards to this thread.

My DC would absolutely struggle with a big change in routine such as being upped to full time nursery whilst also dealing with a big change such as a new baby

Same. I personally wouldn’t do this at all, as tempting as it might be,
I would definitely worry about the impact. But all kids are different.

Panaa · 15/12/2023 12:43

Because they most certainly do not center on the step-mothers who get treated like shite on here. The birth mothers can do everything they want to make her exes and their new partners miserable, but if a step-mother asks for a shred of decent behavior from the birth mother, she gets denigrated, castigated and shamed.
@Nanaof1 The exact same came be said for how birth mothers are spoken about , so people need to really stop with this lazy argument because it literally works both ways!!

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/12/2023 12:48

I think MN can be harsh on stepmothers, tbh, but in this case, no it isn't reasonable to banish your partner's existing kids from their parent's house, and their home, for their normal contact time. They're part of the baby's family and just as much the father's children. It's also not reasonable to claim he does 50% parenting when he clearly doesn't, and to claim he wants full custody while he's doing nothing to make that happen, and apparently can't have them any more often because of work. Nor is it reasonable to describe children being with their father as being "palmed off".

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 13:01

Tandora · 15/12/2023 12:11

From the OP:

was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family.

For those saying this is normal/ the norm in “intact” families. It really just isn’t.

Show quote history

I stayed in my bed when I had my 4th child. My first obviously I had time alone but when it came to second and third and then 4th I hid for a week. Only came down for food and that was it. Everything was prepped so I stayed in bed.

The blood after the endless bleeding after the birth of having a child. Then you have to get your fanny straight and you know that takes a while. If you're breastfeeding you have to get used to that. Your tits leaking and then they feel like bullets and you can't get nothing out of them. You have to have bath or express the milk out. The list is endless. That's why I hid in my room.

Calliopespa · 15/12/2023 13:01

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/12/2023 12:48

I think MN can be harsh on stepmothers, tbh, but in this case, no it isn't reasonable to banish your partner's existing kids from their parent's house, and their home, for their normal contact time. They're part of the baby's family and just as much the father's children. It's also not reasonable to claim he does 50% parenting when he clearly doesn't, and to claim he wants full custody while he's doing nothing to make that happen, and apparently can't have them any more often because of work. Nor is it reasonable to describe children being with their father as being "palmed off".

Edited

Yes, the “palmed off”was one of the things in the post that really set my teeth on edge. And for the MN voices concerned that stepmothers get a hard time on here, OP is not helping that dynamic. If someone had wanted to post provocatively to make a devils advocate type point about stepmothers while posing as one ( and fwiw I think OP is posting genuinely) they could borrow several phrases from OP’s post.

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 13:04

Tandora · 15/12/2023 12:36

My DC would absolutely struggle with a big change in routine such as being upped to full time nursery whilst also dealing with a big change such as a new baby

Same. I personally wouldn’t do this at all, as tempting as it might be,
I would definitely worry about the impact. But all kids are different.

Show quote history

I think the 25+ years of parenting I’ve had (and seen many friends go through also plus 20+ years professional experience) has given me some indication as to what seems to make children feel miserable and alienated. Upping my child to full time nursery hours while giving her lots of love and attention when she was home was unlikely to and didn’t make my child feel miserable, jealous or anything of the sort. She always thought little sibling is the best thing ever. I find it amusing that I’m being told by people with a fraction of the experience that maybe I’m just missing the subtle ill effects of me not being as much as a martyr as them, can assure you my DD does not do subtle 😄

MuckyPlucky · 15/12/2023 13:04

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 21:11

I feel sorry for those kids.

If I'm understanding the OP's timeline correctly, she must have got pregnant when the little one had only just turned three. If there really was a two year gap between her partner splitting with his ex and the OP getting together with him, that means he and his ex must have split up when his children were babies or possibly even when she was still pregnant with the little one, AND the OP must have got pregnant pretty early on in their relationship.

Now they're still only 3 or 4 and BOTH their parents have had or are having a baby with a new partner and they are being shunted back and forth between two households, both of which seem to resent their presence.

My son felt pretty unsettled and had a few minor behavioural issues when his sister came along, and that was with his parents still together, at home all the time and making a huge effort to make him feel loved and secure.

It is not even remotely surprising that these two very little children are struggling to adapt to all these big changes in their young lives and that their behaviour is less than perfect as a consequence.

Not sure what advice to offer the OP though. It's a bit late for "don't have a baby with a man who already has two very young children".

THIS 👏🏻

Calliopespa · 15/12/2023 13:07

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/12/2023 12:48

I think MN can be harsh on stepmothers, tbh, but in this case, no it isn't reasonable to banish your partner's existing kids from their parent's house, and their home, for their normal contact time. They're part of the baby's family and just as much the father's children. It's also not reasonable to claim he does 50% parenting when he clearly doesn't, and to claim he wants full custody while he's doing nothing to make that happen, and apparently can't have them any more often because of work. Nor is it reasonable to describe children being with their father as being "palmed off".

Edited

Yes, the “palmed off”was one of the things in the post that really set my teeth on edge. And for the MN voices concerned that stepmothers get a hard time on here, OP is not helping that dynamic. If someone had wanted to post provocatively to make a devil’s advocate type point about stepmothers while posing as one ( and fwiw I think OP is posting genuinely) they could borrow several phrases from OP’s post.

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 13:07

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 13:01

I stayed in my bed when I had my 4th child. My first obviously I had time alone but when it came to second and third and then 4th I hid for a week. Only came down for food and that was it. Everything was prepped so I stayed in bed.

The blood after the endless bleeding after the birth of having a child. Then you have to get your fanny straight and you know that takes a while. If you're breastfeeding you have to get used to that. Your tits leaking and then they feel like bullets and you can't get nothing out of them. You have to have bath or express the milk out. The list is endless. That's why I hid in my room.

Show quote history

Good on you, same here

HunkMarvin · 15/12/2023 13:09

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 13:01

I stayed in my bed when I had my 4th child. My first obviously I had time alone but when it came to second and third and then 4th I hid for a week. Only came down for food and that was it. Everything was prepped so I stayed in bed.

The blood after the endless bleeding after the birth of having a child. Then you have to get your fanny straight and you know that takes a while. If you're breastfeeding you have to get used to that. Your tits leaking and then they feel like bullets and you can't get nothing out of them. You have to have bath or express the milk out. The list is endless. That's why I hid in my room.

Show quote history

Wow that was unnecessarily visceral imagery.

PullUpPrince · 15/12/2023 13:09

Im really surprised at the comments re existing children not leaving the home when a new sibling comes. I know lots of women who sent kids to grandparents for a few days and many who would have if they could. What of the women who spend time in hospital - their other kids aren’t there then 🤔

PullUpPrince · 15/12/2023 13:10

HunkMarvin · 15/12/2023 13:09

Wow that was unnecessarily visceral imagery.

Show quote history

Not really - if the discussion of childbirth and post partum offends this isn’t the site for you.

Cockapoo1211 · 15/12/2023 13:14

PullUpPrince · 15/12/2023 13:09

Im really surprised at the comments re existing children not leaving the home when a new sibling comes. I know lots of women who sent kids to grandparents for a few days and many who would have if they could. What of the women who spend time in hospital - their other kids aren’t there then 🤔

Exactly .

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 13:17

PullUpPrince · 15/12/2023 13:09

Im really surprised at the comments re existing children not leaving the home when a new sibling comes. I know lots of women who sent kids to grandparents for a few days and many who would have if they could. What of the women who spend time in hospital - their other kids aren’t there then 🤔

When I was in hospital with my second, my first was at home with his dad.

Desecratedcoconut · 15/12/2023 13:23

Imagine that @MargotBamborough , an actual man looking after his actual children - and not a woman around to save him?

a222 · 15/12/2023 13:24

i agree that being in a relationship with someone who already has children will come with its challenges, but you’d think their mother (who has already experienced having babies!) would be more understanding about this, any woman with good grace would’ve taken the new baby and the rest you’d need into account. BUT also, why is your DH not helping you?!!! they’re his kids too lol

cadburyegg · 15/12/2023 13:27

PullUpPrince · 15/12/2023 13:09

Im really surprised at the comments re existing children not leaving the home when a new sibling comes. I know lots of women who sent kids to grandparents for a few days and many who would have if they could. What of the women who spend time in hospital - their other kids aren’t there then 🤔

My ds1 wasn't at the hospital when I had ds2 no. He came home straight away after we got home though. I don't know anyone who didn't want their older kids home with them as soon as they could. As said the partner should take over care for the older dc.

If the op had been in hospital then she wouldn't have been home with her step kids and this post wouldn't exist.

The ex was in the wrong for changing the contact schedule last minute. But she is prob exhausted too and people who are exhausted don't always act rationally. Another issue is that the dp clearly didn't step up and look after his older dc.

Jk987 · 15/12/2023 13:28

Assuming you've been with your partner around 2 years (?), the stepchildren would have been small babies when you met. The ex probably thought he'd moved on extremely quickly so there's bound to be some resentment there.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 13:50

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 13:04

I think the 25+ years of parenting I’ve had (and seen many friends go through also plus 20+ years professional experience) has given me some indication as to what seems to make children feel miserable and alienated. Upping my child to full time nursery hours while giving her lots of love and attention when she was home was unlikely to and didn’t make my child feel miserable, jealous or anything of the sort. She always thought little sibling is the best thing ever. I find it amusing that I’m being told by people with a fraction of the experience that maybe I’m just missing the subtle ill effects of me not being as much as a martyr as them, can assure you my DD does not do subtle 😄

Show quote history

All I said was I would not feel right doing this with my own child- she would not cope well. All children and families are different obviously.

All this is somewhat tangential to the OP’s post, however. Given your professional expertise I’m sure you are well aware of the long term psychological damage that often results from children in blended families feeling excluded,
unloved and second best when parents re-couple and have more children. this is a very common experience.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 13:55

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 13:01

I stayed in my bed when I had my 4th child. My first obviously I had time alone but when it came to second and third and then 4th I hid for a week. Only came down for food and that was it. Everything was prepped so I stayed in bed.

The blood after the endless bleeding after the birth of having a child. Then you have to get your fanny straight and you know that takes a while. If you're breastfeeding you have to get used to that. Your tits leaking and then they feel like bullets and you can't get nothing out of them. You have to have bath or express the milk out. The list is endless. That's why I hid in my room.

Show quote history

I mean, good for you, if you were able to do that for a week with older children in the mix. But in any case it’s not really anything to do with the debate at hand or OP’s post. If she said “AIBU for staying in bed while I physically recover after birth and ask DP to look after SDC and bring me food” I for one would have voted YANBU :).

Sapphire387 · 15/12/2023 14:01

Savedpassword · 15/12/2023 10:04

Tell me you’ve jumped into a relationship and had more kids with a man who had recently split up with the mother of his kids WITHOUT telling me….. 😉

Show quote history

Absolutely untrue. See? The presumptions.

I do have a stepdaughter. I got together with her dad, my DH, several years after her mother drank herself to death.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 14:06

Sapphire387 · 15/12/2023 14:01

Absolutely untrue. See? The presumptions.

I do have a stepdaughter. I got together with her dad, my DH, several years after her mother drank herself to death.

Show quote history

their feelings do not supersede yours

Sorry but the feelings and needs of a 3 year old and 4 year old (who have no agency and choice over the situation they are in) 100% come first/ before the feelings of a adult woman (with capacity to act and choose). I am absolutely shocked and appalled that anyone would try to suggest otherwise.

Sapphire387 · 15/12/2023 14:08

Lachimolala · 15/12/2023 10:57

Well said, it’s so unbelievably insulting. My ex’s gf (that met the kids 8 weeks ago) likes to call me a birth mother and herself a step mother. Usually calls me a birth mother in a derogatory way, then when asked nicely to stop does this wide eyed faux victim act. She’s exhausting 😑

Show quote history

It depends. I'm a full-time stepmum because 'mum' / 'birth mum' neglected her child, drunkenly abused my DH and eventually drank herself to death. I'm not sure she deserves the label of 'mum' tbh.

Any child with a normal, decent mother then no, they shouldn't be called 'birth mum'. Just be aware that it isn't just adoption that leads to... complications. I do think of her as 'birth mum' because she wasn't a proper mum.

Sapphire387 · 15/12/2023 14:14

Tandora · 15/12/2023 14:06

their feelings do not supersede yours

Sorry but the feelings and needs of a 3 year old and 4 year old (who have no agency and choice over the situation they are in) 100% come first/ before the feelings of a adult woman (with capacity to act and choose). I am absolutely shocked and appalled that anyone would try to suggest otherwise.

Show quote history

Ah well, thankfully I am not too bothered that you are shocked and appalled. I said everyone is important. I did not say OP was more important. But she's a woman who has lately given birth and I don't think she should be told to just get on with it (as so many people have), her partner should be stepping up.

Also it's another mumsnet contradiction isn't it? Stepmums have to stay in their lane, but also put the stepkids first.