Page 32 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

FestiveFruitloop · 15/12/2023 11:37

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 10:56

@FestiveFruitloop your own situation is very self evident.

😂😂😂😂

What's my situation then? Let's see if your spidey senses are telling you right.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:39

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:27

They are all irresponsible. None of the four adults involved have acted with any of the actual or future children's best interests in mind.

Personally I think it is irresponsible to have a baby with a man you've only just met, because you have no way of knowing what kind of father he will turn out to be. Having a baby with a man you've only just met when you know that he has two very young children whose mother he separated from when they were both babies is...well...wow. How do we describe that? It's choosing to have a baby with someone you have plenty of evidence to suggest is not good father material. Procreating with a man like this is making a poor choice for your future child.

Obviously what her partner and his ex have done is worse because they have both done the same thing, i.e. chosen to have a baby with a new partner when they haven't had enough time to really judge whether that new partner will make a decent parent or not, but they've done so whilst already being the parents of two very young children who have already had a pretty suboptimal start in life.

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You know that people will be judging the ex more than the op because she is carrying her third baby with a new baby father. That's how people are I hear it all the time not saying I agree women deserve to move on as well. No one will really be judging the bloke especially if he's with a new woman and building an extended family. His ex was the one who ended it.

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:44

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:39

You know that people will be judging the ex more than the op because she is carrying her third baby with a new baby father. That's how people are I hear it all the time not saying I agree women deserve to move on as well. No one will really be judging the bloke especially if he's with a new woman and building an extended family. His ex was the one who ended it.

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It doesn't matter who ended it.

Sure, women "deserve to move on", but when you have kids you put them first.

If I split up with my husband today, there's no way in hell I'd be dating any time soon, let alone getting pregnant two years from now with a new partner. Because I have a one year old and a two year old and my children's immediate welfare would be more important than any desire I might have for a third baby or even a sex life.

This applies to both the OP's partner and his ex equally.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 11:44

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 10:57

Really, I work with a lot of new families and older toddlers often at nursery or go to stay at grandparents popping back for visits or grandma stays over to help out. We sorted care for our older ones when had new babies

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Really? You sent your older children to stay overnights somewhere else for a week after you got home from hospital, so you and dad could have time “bonding” with baby before you became a larger family?

Of course grandma might stay over to help out, that’s an entirely different scenario.

fingerguns · 15/12/2023 11:46

The ex is BU here by not sticking to arrangements and making comments is not cool, especially when she will be in your situation in a matter of months. But as hard as this week has been for you, YABU. You shouldn't need alone time to bond with your baby, as hard as it is with two little kids around. I can imagine that the other kids being sick is immensely stressful, but other than that it sounds like they're being fairly normal for their age. They're still small, and your house is their home (even if their mother is messing agreed dates/times up).

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:49

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:20

Yeah but the OP doesn't love these kids just as much because they're not her kids. She wants them out of the way so she can focus on her baby.

And their dad is only a part time parent.

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I don’t think you can be expected to love your DSC in the same way (even though I think mine are absolutely wonderful and would always do what can to make sure they are well cared for) I can’t see how you can would feel the same way about anyone else’s children but your own. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want the house to yourselves as much as possible during this time. If my adult DC suddenly announced they wanted to rock up to stay as was having a new baby I would feel the same!! Yes absolutely would love to see them for visits but I wouldn’t want anyone staying there that didn’t need to be ( yes obviously if they were suddenly homeless that would be a different issue). As for the little ones it was nice to see them in the mornings and at night for a short while of course and would miss them terribly if away for weeks but that was just perfect. Would not have been enjoyable to have them at home all day at that stage

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:53

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:49

I don’t think you can be expected to love your DSC in the same way (even though I think mine are absolutely wonderful and would always do what can to make sure they are well cared for) I can’t see how you can would feel the same way about anyone else’s children but your own. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want the house to yourselves as much as possible during this time. If my adult DC suddenly announced they wanted to rock up to stay as was having a new baby I would feel the same!! Yes absolutely would love to see them for visits but I wouldn’t want anyone staying there that didn’t need to be ( yes obviously if they were suddenly homeless that would be a different issue). As for the little ones it was nice to see them in the mornings and at night for a short while of course and would miss them terribly if away for weeks but that was just perfect. Would not have been enjoyable to have them at home all day at that stage

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Yes but if you had children who were 3 and 4 and then you had a new baby, would you send the 3 and 4 year old away so you could have alone time with the new baby?

Screwballs · 15/12/2023 11:54

namechangnancy · 15/12/2023 09:57

Honestly some of this comments are neither constructive or anything other than having a dig at a women who's just had a baby and was looking for advice.

I genuinely wonder if some of you guys are so unhappy with your own lives that you come on here to give some random op a good kicking.

I know it's aibu and this section can get a bit heated but people seem to be taking this to a new extreme on here.

Amen. Bunch of vultures. Embarrassed for you all, sincerely.

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:55

Tandora · 15/12/2023 11:44

Really? You sent your older children to stay overnights somewhere else for a week after you got home from hospital, so you and dad could have time “bonding” with baby before you became a larger family?

Of course grandma might stay over to help out, that’s an entirely different scenario.

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Yes they loved going to stay with grandma, it was more so I didn’t have to worry about cooking, entertaining them etc for them (toddler got all meals at nursery) while I recovered from the birth and focussed on establishing breastfeeding and yes of course having some special one to one time with my new baby just as I had enjoyed with the older ones when they were babies. I don’t think there is anything wrong at all with that. I’m not just focussing on the new baby forever 🤣

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:57

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:53

Yes but if you had children who were 3 and 4 and then you had a new baby, would you send the 3 and 4 year old away so you could have alone time with the new baby?

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Our older DC was 3 and already attending nursery part time so just increased to full time, the older ones loved going to stay with grandma

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 11:57

Really? You sent your older children to stay overnights somewhere else for a week after you got home from hospital, so you and dad could have time “bonding” with baby before you became a larger family?

I was 4 when my brother was born. I had a few days with Grandma at the time, and when I got home the new baby had bought me a present! So all was well, and because we were a together family, no one batted an eyelid.

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:58

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:57

Our older DC was 3 and already attending nursery part time so just increased to full time, the older ones loved going to stay with grandma

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So no, you didn't banish your 3 year old from the house for a week then?

Lobelia123 · 15/12/2023 11:59

OP, I completely sympathise and im sending you some sympathy and hugs over the internet. Sounds like the ex is an immature and selfish person and it cant be easy dealing with her. You sound like you are really trying your best and trying to juggle everything as best you can. Take a deep breath and give yourself a break. Things may not be ideal, but they will be ok. Theres plenty of love to go around. You are also entitled to some special time bonding with your new baby, your hormones are probably all over the place and you may be in pain and recovery from delivery too. Please ignore all the Smug Suzies on this thread. The stepmom is not automatically the baddie FFS!

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 12:02

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:58

So no, you didn't banish your 3 year old from the house for a week then?

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It’s not banishing a child from your house for a week when they go and stay with their own mother or grandma. Actually my eldest had stays with grandma at that age. I often kept my own 3 year old for 2 weeks or more when ex couldn’t have them, shock horror!!

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 12:03

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 12:02

It’s not banishing a child from your house for a week when they go and stay with their own mother or grandma. Actually my eldest had stays with grandma at that age. I often kept my own 3 year old for 2 weeks or more when ex couldn’t have them, shock horror!!

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It is banishing them from their dad's house for a week if you say they can't have their usual contact time with him right now.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 12:04

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:55

Yes they loved going to stay with grandma, it was more so I didn’t have to worry about cooking, entertaining them etc for them (toddler got all meals at nursery) while I recovered from the birth and focussed on establishing breastfeeding and yes of course having some special one to one time with my new baby just as I had enjoyed with the older ones when they were babies. I don’t think there is anything wrong at all with that. I’m not just focussing on the new baby forever 🤣

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ah i see.well that’s certainly not something I’ve ever heard of before 🤷🏼‍♀️ although it does sound like a nice set up. I know tonnes of families with more than one child, ( I myself have 3 and I am one of 4) and have never heard of a family sending the older kids off for a week after getting home from hospital.
When my mum was in labour with my little brother and sister we stayed a night or two with a friend- which was fun!- and came home as soon as she was back from hospital.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 12:08

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 11:57

Really? You sent your older children to stay overnights somewhere else for a week after you got home from hospital, so you and dad could have time “bonding” with baby before you became a larger family?

I was 4 when my brother was born. I had a few days with Grandma at the time, and when I got home the new baby had bought me a present! So all was well, and because we were a together family, no one batted an eyelid.

A few days wouldn’t be unusual sure (including hospital/ labour time). But OP already had that. Baby was born on Sat and her SDC didn’t come for overnights until Thursday.

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 12:09

Its not even a case of sending the older siblings off for a week, just a few days?

Tandora · 15/12/2023 12:11

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 12:09

Its not even a case of sending the older siblings off for a week, just a few days?

From the OP:

was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family.

For those saying this is normal/ the norm in “intact” families. It really just isn’t.

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 12:13

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 12:09

Its not even a case of sending the older siblings off for a week, just a few days?

The OP says at least a week, so more than a week?

Where did you get a few days from?

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 12:14

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 12:09

Its not even a case of sending the older siblings off for a week, just a few days?

Sending them off from where? They are already living with their mother for about 70% of the time, the OP just wants them to forego their regular contact with their dad during this time.

The fact that her partner's ex wants to do the same thing when she has her own new baby doesn't make that better, by the way.

The adults are viewing this in terms of each of them having agreed to do the other a favour by keeping the older children away when the new babies arrive, and the OP is upset that her partner's ex has reneged on this arrangement.

The children will see it in terms of being kept away from their dad because a more important younger sibling has been born, and then being treated the same way by their mum a few months later.

nutelia · 15/12/2023 12:15

My parents had older kids overnight whilst I was in hospital then they came straight home at the same time as DH, myself and new baby. Don’t know anyone whose family members looked after the kids for an additional week so they could bond with the new baby 😳

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 12:17

nutelia · 15/12/2023 12:15

My parents had older kids overnight whilst I was in hospital then they came straight home at the same time as DH, myself and new baby. Don’t know anyone whose family members looked after the kids for an additional week so they could bond with the new baby 😳

This!

I was "lucky" enough to go into labour as soon as DC1 was out to bed, had baby and was home before he woke up.

Came into my room and his brother was there!

Lovely.

🥰

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 12:21

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 12:14

Sending them off from where? They are already living with their mother for about 70% of the time, the OP just wants them to forego their regular contact with their dad during this time.

The fact that her partner's ex wants to do the same thing when she has her own new baby doesn't make that better, by the way.

The adults are viewing this in terms of each of them having agreed to do the other a favour by keeping the older children away when the new babies arrive, and the OP is upset that her partner's ex has reneged on this arrangement.

The children will see it in terms of being kept away from their dad because a more important younger sibling has been born, and then being treated the same way by their mum a few months later.

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No they won’t, my little one didn’t see having nursery hours upped to full time as being banished away for new baby or the older kids staying with their mum/grandma, my DC didn’t see staying with me for 2 weeks as being banished from their dad when he went on holiday. Honestly your being completely ridiculous, you would expect my poor kids to have PTSD from a dad who works away 🤦🏻‍♀️

Itsaselectionbox · 15/12/2023 12:29

My DC would absolutely struggle with a big change in routine such as being upped to full time nursery whilst also dealing with a big change such as a new baby. Without meaning to sound offensive, you do see this with parents of large families. A 'they'll be reet' attitude towards older kids. I personally think when you have lots of DC, you do not always have enough time to dedicate to always noticing the small changes in older DC. But that is totally off topic with regards to this thread.