Page 31 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 10:47

Notmetoo · 15/12/2023 10:38

Is it? I would never dream of doing that. I'd say that's a way of breeding resentment. Taking the older ones out for a couple of hours yes and Dad spending much more time with the little ones yes but certainly not sending them away!
Besides the two children spend most of their time away anyway.

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Breeding resentment, since when?? When kids are having fun they are having fun, when they are stuck at home with a new mother and baby they certainly notice that. The only child I ever had an issue of resentment with is the child I didn’t sort out alternative care for when had new baby. If they are settled in nursery or used to going to grandmas or aunty’s at any other tine (or indeed being with their own mother!!!) then they will be more than happy going there regardless of new baby in the house

FestiveFruitloop · 15/12/2023 10:49

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 10:34

@FestiveFruitloop ok, we get that you're unhappy that your child is one of no more importance that your partners other children. You might not like it, but that's the situation you're in.

You can't dump other kids, because you've got a new one! Parents don't have that option.

I don't know why you've directed this at me. I haven't said anything about my own situation.

Itsaselectionbox · 15/12/2023 10:51

You are very lucky to have someone outside of your family unit who will take on full responsibility of your 4 older children for weeks on end to give you chance to have a fifth baby. It is certainly not the norm or something you should feel entitled to. I hope you are very grateful to that person. Admittedly my oldest is autistic so maybe DC that are not can cope better, but we was not aware that he was when DD was born. Sending him away would certainly have caused serious damage.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 10:51

Notmetoo · 15/12/2023 10:38

Is it? I would never dream of doing that. I'd say that's a way of breeding resentment. Taking the older ones out for a couple of hours yes and Dad spending much more time with the little ones yes but certainly not sending them away!
Besides the two children spend most of their time away anyway.

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I’ve literally never heard of an intact family shipping off the older kids for a week so mum, dad and new baby could have “bonding time” as a new family unit. Absurd. Yes, visitors might come and offer extra help, husband might take on more responsibility for looking after toddler(s) while mum focuses on baby, but sending the kids off to stay with relatives for a week?? No. For a couple of days so dad can support mum in hospital / labour/ giving birth, yes, but not once they are home.

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 10:55

Itsaselectionbox · 15/12/2023 10:26

I had help with DC1 when I had DC2 from the man I chose to have a baby with, as does OP. It is demanding others take your older children away that is wrong.

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It isn’t just random others, it’s the child’s own mother. I would consider it a quite vindictive ex that insisted you had the children when your ill or even just wanted to go on holiday. I never had a problem my ex dropping a weekend if he was ill or family situation going on etc and it works both ways.

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 15/12/2023 10:56

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Baby was born on Saturday after a traumatic birth. I think this was a snidey comment from ex.

The ex is pregnant too with new partner.

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 10:56

@FestiveFruitloop your own situation is very self evident.

Lachimolala · 15/12/2023 10:57

YireosDodeAver · 15/12/2023 10:03

@Nanaof1 Please don't use the label birth-mother outside of the context of adoption. The mum of a child who also has a step-mum doesn't need a prefix, they are mum or mother or mummy etc. It is insulting to give her a prefix. Birth-mother is appropriate in the context of adoption because the child hopefully ends up with a real maternal bond with their adoptive mother and will regard that mother as their "real" mum so needs a different phrase for the woman who gave them birth. Step-children really don't need such a phrase. They have a mum.

Well said, it’s so unbelievably insulting. My ex’s gf (that met the kids 8 weeks ago) likes to call me a birth mother and herself a step mother. Usually calls me a birth mother in a derogatory way, then when asked nicely to stop does this wide eyed faux victim act. She’s exhausting 😑

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 10:57

Tandora · 15/12/2023 10:51

I’ve literally never heard of an intact family shipping off the older kids for a week so mum, dad and new baby could have “bonding time” as a new family unit. Absurd. Yes, visitors might come and offer extra help, husband might take on more responsibility for looking after toddler(s) while mum focuses on baby, but sending the kids off to stay with relatives for a week?? No. For a couple of days so dad can support mum in hospital / labour/ giving birth, yes, but not once they are home.

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Really, I work with a lot of new families and older toddlers often at nursery or go to stay at grandparents popping back for visits or grandma stays over to help out. We sorted care for our older ones when had new babies

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 10:58

Tandora · 15/12/2023 10:51

I’ve literally never heard of an intact family shipping off the older kids for a week so mum, dad and new baby could have “bonding time” as a new family unit. Absurd. Yes, visitors might come and offer extra help, husband might take on more responsibility for looking after toddler(s) while mum focuses on baby, but sending the kids off to stay with relatives for a week?? No. For a couple of days so dad can support mum in hospital / labour/ giving birth, yes, but not once they are home.

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I gave birth in a country where longer hospital stays are normal and was in for four days after baby 1 and two days after baby 2.

For me the biggest difference was that after baby 1 my husband stayed the whole time and was on hand to give me any help I needed, whereas after baby 2 he just stayed for visiting hours and then went home to pick our eldest up from nursery and do his usual routine and spend the night at home, leaving me at the hospital with the new baby.

And after baby 1 he took turns looking after the baby so I could have a bath or a nap, whereas after baby 2 he took turns looking after the baby so I could spend time with our eldest. Showers and naps were only possible when the eldest was at nursery.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:09

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:34

No it is not. You remove the issue. So distract the older child.

where was the father? Why three times and he still not appeared?

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He was on the toilet having a dump most probably.

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:09

Itsaselectionbox · 15/12/2023 10:51

You are very lucky to have someone outside of your family unit who will take on full responsibility of your 4 older children for weeks on end to give you chance to have a fifth baby. It is certainly not the norm or something you should feel entitled to. I hope you are very grateful to that person. Admittedly my oldest is autistic so maybe DC that are not can cope better, but we was not aware that he was when DD was born. Sending him away would certainly have caused serious damage.

In terms of nursery we paid for it and then the older children were at school, had a few days with grandma and some time with their dad, the DSC with their mum. Of course they popped in and had some lovely time all together too. We always tried to make sure older ones still felt special but that didn’t need to be constant time with me at that stage, more just gestures between all the fun times they were having elsewhere, DH taking them to soft play as a treat at weekend etc and then some nice days out altogether when baby a few weeks.

TreacleMines · 15/12/2023 11:11

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 10:39

There wasn’t an over riding need for them to be there that week. I lived most of the time with my DM and remember my DF going on holiday for a few weeks as a young child, that didn’t traumatise me, the complete opposite, was great to hear about his holiday and still remember the present he bought home for me. My DH works away for weeks at a time , similarly our kids have a great bond with their dad as they relate time with him as being happy. Similarly when he’s not here I try and make time with just us as happy so they seem to be happy either way.

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Did your dad, or does your husband come back from their trip with a new baby?

Did/does their going mean that one of your/your children’s parental figures now has a brand new baby that is 100 times more important to her than you/your children?

did your dad/does your husband going on the trip totally alter the shape and future of your family?

if not, they are not comparable.

Pollyanna31 · 15/12/2023 11:16

You are unreasonable now your a family of 5 not a family of 3, get used to that. It doesn't matter when the kids come over they have 2 homes now.
Its surprising how many people bring children into toxic circumstances and then split up when there so young it doesn't matter if the kids were 3 or 15 when they split it will affect them growing up. They don't sound like they're in a better situation with an unloving step mother

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:17

TreacleMines · 15/12/2023 11:11

Did your dad, or does your husband come back from their trip with a new baby?

Did/does their going mean that one of your/your children’s parental figures now has a brand new baby that is 100 times more important to her than you/your children?

did your dad/does your husband going on the trip totally alter the shape and future of your family?

if not, they are not comparable.

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Your being way over dramatic about new babies, we’ve got 7 and our kids lives carry on pretty much as they did before with each new one, we make sure of that. They still do the same clubs, get birthday parties etc but just get someone to play with in the mix too. They each have their own space if they don’t want to be bothered by siblings which I make sure is enforced. In fact one of my DC told me the other day how lucky they felt to have a little sibling and the older ones always happy when announcing the next. There are plenty of ways you can show you still love them just as much

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:19

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 21:00

The slightly odd thing about this 'debate' is that both sides are actually saying the same thing.

Your partner is the problem.

Not the op. (Although you were probably blinded by love bombing at the beginning and didn't make a good judgement on partner, but we've all been there).

And not the ex. (Who is doing practically all of the parenting and is, clearly, exhausted).

The ex is also pregnant and is due in May we will pretend she is not shall we. Let's stick with the op and the boyfriend are irresponsible and the ex is exhausted not from pregnancy just from having her children because she gets no support even though she is pregnant.

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:20

Cla43 · 15/12/2023 11:17

Your being way over dramatic about new babies, we’ve got 7 and our kids lives carry on pretty much as they did before with each new one, we make sure of that. They still do the same clubs, get birthday parties etc but just get someone to play with in the mix too. They each have their own space if they don’t want to be bothered by siblings which I make sure is enforced. In fact one of my DC told me the other day how lucky they felt to have a little sibling and the older ones always happy when announcing the next. There are plenty of ways you can show you still love them just as much

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Yeah but the OP doesn't love these kids just as much because they're not her kids. She wants them out of the way so she can focus on her baby.

And their dad is only a part time parent.

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 15/12/2023 11:21

@Carpediemmakeitcount She has a partner. We don't know if she's got full custody and is receiving maintenance. There is an agreement in place surely.

nutelia · 15/12/2023 11:23

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:20

Yeah but the OP doesn't love these kids just as much because they're not her kids. She wants them out of the way so she can focus on her baby.

And their dad is only a part time parent.

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If you want them ‘out the way to focus on the new baby’ then you find someone without small children. Her baby already has a built-in family and 2 older siblings.

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:27

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:19

The ex is also pregnant and is due in May we will pretend she is not shall we. Let's stick with the op and the boyfriend are irresponsible and the ex is exhausted not from pregnancy just from having her children because she gets no support even though she is pregnant.

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They are all irresponsible. None of the four adults involved have acted with any of the actual or future children's best interests in mind.

Personally I think it is irresponsible to have a baby with a man you've only just met, because you have no way of knowing what kind of father he will turn out to be. Having a baby with a man you've only just met when you know that he has two very young children whose mother he separated from when they were both babies is...well...wow. How do we describe that? It's choosing to have a baby with someone you have plenty of evidence to suggest is not good father material. Procreating with a man like this is making a poor choice for your future child.

Obviously what her partner and his ex have done is worse because they have both done the same thing, i.e. chosen to have a baby with a new partner when they haven't had enough time to really judge whether that new partner will make a decent parent or not, but they've done so whilst already being the parents of two very young children who have already had a pretty suboptimal start in life.

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:30

nutelia · 15/12/2023 11:23

If you want them ‘out the way to focus on the new baby’ then you find someone without small children. Her baby already has a built-in family and 2 older siblings.

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Well yes, exactly.

This whole situation is just a catalogue of bad decisions by adults without any real consideration for the children involved.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:30

rorret · 14/12/2023 21:40

What age was the youngest when they split for good?

For how long were you and your partner dating when you got pregnant?

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What about the ex she is pregnant with her third how long was she with her current partner. Maybe she was cheating on him before she decided to end it. I wonder if the last child is his???

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 11:33

Anyway, I suppose none of this is really helpful to the OP, whose baby is here now.

OP, if you're still here, a blended family was what you signed up for so no, it's not reasonable to expect your partner's children to be kept away so you can get the full PFB experience. You might be a FTM but your baby was born with ready made siblings.

You need to get your partner to actually parent his own damn children. All of them. And for God's sake don't let yourself be financially dependent on him because he doesn't sound very reliable.

neeep · 15/12/2023 11:36

StoodySmithereens · 14/12/2023 16:40

She’s jealous of you & your baby. Tell her to give you a break by looking after her own kids so you can spend some much needed alone time with yours. You’ll have the rest of your life with them, surely people can understand that this time is needed for you & your partner.

Jealous?

Are you sure??

rorret · 15/12/2023 11:36

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:30

What about the ex she is pregnant with her third how long was she with her current partner. Maybe she was cheating on him before she decided to end it. I wonder if the last child is his???

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The ex isn't here asking for advice. I would tell her the exact same thing if she was - she should not have had a baby so quickly with a man she can't know what sort of man he is, much less what sort of parent he will be, or how he will navigate step-parenting.

I'm sure the father of the year can organise a DNA test if he doesn't think the younger toddler is his.