DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

I think all this “ oh it’s just because OP is a stepmother: how mean” and “ run away to hide on a stepparent thread where everyone might endorse you” whinging is a total cop-out. Many of the comments are not at all because posters are “bitter” or ex wives etc, but because OP’s comments and attitudes themselves are actually making people feel sorry for the children. TBF they are precisely the kind of comment that get stepmothers a bad rap in the first place.

Some people are so bloody ridiculous. It's not because you're a SP. If a mother posted an AIBU demanding that EX/Grandma/SS take over care of a 3 and 4 year old so she can have 2 weeks with her 'new little family of 3' they would be told they are being bloody ridiculous. Its like to some SP can do no wrong. It's actually quite scary that some women are happy to move in with a Dad then treat young children so poorly.

And I'm not an EX or step-parent, just a mother of 2.

The first paragraph of your post isn't exactly 'emotionally mature.' Just saying.

So clearly the case, if the OP were their mother and had posted about how difficult it was to cope with toddlers and a new baby then she would of been flooded with compassion and advice telling her to enlist whatever help she could to give her a break. The fact this if a first time mother too just displays an astounding lack of empathy. I’ve got 5 children and still feel I need a few weeks to recover and focus on baby/establishing breastfeeding etc after each birth. I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been if in this kind of situation with first baby, which is an even more an intense time than subsequent and a traumatic labour in top of that 😔 To know that all the arguments for the kids ‘needing’ to be there are utter twaddle too. As for kids with bugs and a new baby, I’d be keeping my own kids away from baby if ill.
The lack of compassion from these posters makes me quite see how women are quite willing to treat even new mothers with contempt if they think they ‘deserve’ it, aka unmarried mothers in 1950/60s

I don’t understand the argument about which adults in this situation are worse.

All 4 (assuming Ops, Dps ex has a partner) have been irresponsible and no one is really thinking about the 2 small kids that are being treated like a burden to all of them.

So all 4 are irresponsible. Not helpful for any of the, soon to be, 4 kids involved.

Irony clearly lost on you 😂

They would be no sympathy for a mum of a new baby who had her toddlers for a couple of nights and a few dinners in 2 weeks.

Doesn't sound like you spend much/any time on the stepparenting board. Regrettably that board has its share of projecting attack dogs critics too but at least the overall tone is more balanced.

No, just a poor attempt at irony. Nice try though. 😂

😂

Gosh I’m not surprised so many women suffer PND if they live in your world, it’s perfectly normal for new mothers to have help with their other children when they have a new baby. In my Mother’s time new mothers would routinely stay in hospital for 8-10 days following each birth to be able to recover and focus on baby. I work in healthcare and when I walk into a house where the mother is well supported and the toddler is in full time nursery care or with grandma then can see how much happier the mother, toddler and whole family is (I often get to see the toddler at some stage of the postnatal time) When I walk into a house and is just the new mother coping with the kids then the whole atmosphere is inevitably more miserable. When I see these families a few weeks later and even reflect on my own family and friends experiences, the sibling bond is always a lot better in the former cases where the siblings have spent less but happier times with the mother and new baby

Precisely. And nor am I an ex or a stepparent but a mother who had to navigate ( as mothers do) the process of bringing home a new arrival and juggling toddlers who were bigger and excited but anxious and threatened, and had germs from nursery and bodies that suddenly seemed bigger and clumsier than a newborn; and I was - again like most mothers- at pains to make sure the little arrival was integrated into the family in a way that was loving to all family members. I’m glad I didn’t have to work an ex into the process, but the job has to be done with whatever pieces are on the gameboard.

Right but the OP's stepkids are already not with her most of the time.

I'm actually floored that people are on here reading the same thread and saying step parents have a easy ride on MN 😂😂😂

Howling. And for clarity's sake my daughter has a sm and I'm a mum in this scenario.

And I still think some of the comments are fucking cruel.

If this thread is saying op is a wicked step mother, then there's a terrible amount of vindictive ex wives on here too. But I suspect people will only object to one of these two stereotypes.

I hope ops left this thread.

I had help with DC1 when I had DC2 from the man I chose to have a baby with, as does OP. It is demanding others take your older children away that is wrong.

Sorry but your husband's two children are your babies family. Its hard with a new baby but the other two children are your babies siblings.
Your baby isn't an only child and parents just have to cope with their older children when they have a new baby. It's very hard but it will be very hard for them too. They are still very young and could be feeling as though they are being replaced in their father's affections .

And any help I got was for the newborn, who is happy to be fed and cuddled. I grabbed every opportunity to spend quality time with a needy toddler.

@Savedpassword

you can’t do irony. Your post just sounded a bit silly

@FestiveFruitloop ok, we get that you're unhappy that your child is one of no more importance that your partners other children. You might not like it, but that's the situation you're in.

You can't dump other kids, because you've got a new one! Parents don't have that option.

Is it? I would never dream of doing that. I'd say that's a way of breeding resentment. Taking the older ones out for a couple of hours yes and Dad spending much more time with the little ones yes but certainly not sending them away!
Besides the two children spend most of their time away anyway.

There wasn’t an over riding need for them to be there that week. I lived most of the time with my DM and remember my DF going on holiday for a few weeks as a young child, that didn’t traumatise me, the complete opposite, was great to hear about his holiday and still remember the present he bought home for me. My DH works away for weeks at a time , similarly our kids have a great bond with their dad as they relate time with him as being happy. Similarly when he’s not here I try and make time with just us as happy so they seem to be happy either way.

Good for you.
I've got 9 children, 4 of which are under 5 and I've only got a 12 month gap between 8 & 9.
I still don't treat my 3 and 4 year olds like shit because I resent them being part of my family.
Because I don't.

Big difference.

I disagree I doubt there would be much sympathy if a woman came on AIBU and said ‘I’ve just had my 3rd baby, it’s too difficult and stressful with my two toddlers around, i need them out the way for a couple of weeks so we can focus and bond with the baby. I think I’m entitled to this’ it would mainly be replies of ‘what do you expect when you chose to bring a 3rd child into the family with small age gaps, of course it’s going to be stressful. Your decision’

I thought it was spot on tbh.