DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

I didn't feel like that but my DSC were older.

20% by time and dumping drop offs and childcare on the op is doing quite a bit? Not in my eyes.

"parting the kids off to you"? It's your partner's kids home to!!!

This ^

Very strange that she agreed to give OP time to adjust but then changed her mind after the birth. How come OP is getting all the flack? It's pretty obvious the ex was being awkward.

Is it really that strange considering the drip feed that's followed in this thread where apparently the ex can't cope with the kids at all and is constantly asking the DP to take time off work to discipline them and constantly asking the OP for advice on how to get the kids to behave for her?

The ex is either coping or she's not.

If she's not coping then it's not one bit strange that she went back on plans.
If she is coping then it would be strange to go back on the plans, but a lot of the OPs story must be made up then 🤔🤔

One of the few upsides( and I mean FEW) to having children with someone and the relationship breaking down is that both biological parents get a 'break' every so often such as every other weekend or whatever the arrangement is. This doesn't happen when both parents are together there is no break.

OP no you were not in the wrong to ask for a minor adjustment the week you have just given birth. By all means have the SC to come visit on that week but to ask to not have overnight contact for a week and then have the SC for the full week the week after ISNT you being a monster it's simply asking to utilise the resources available to you. The SC's mother should have put her feelings to the side realised this and not changed her mind and booked a weekend away. That would have been the mature thing to do.

I'm not sure why so many people have jumped on you on this and as for the way you spoke to your SC that is completely acceptable to have said what you said. No child should ever hit anyone and not saying anything doesn't do your SC or your new baby any favours.

It's not rocket science to ask for a little compassion and a slight tweak of a contact for a week.

I posted on here under a different name a while back and basically said would I be unreasonable to not have my stepchildren stay for the week the week after given birth and have them the week after because albeit they are teens and would come in blasting music, take over the living room with several of their mates drunk and play music until 4am mid week and everyone told be i was a dick. So I didn't ask for a week off and guess what it came and bit me right in the ass because they now bring up the time they had to come stay with us that first week and the baby kept them up all night. You can't win whatever you do OP.

I would try and let it go no. Enjoy your new baby. When the stepchildren are there if you are worn out simply leave the baby with the two siblings and thier capable father and take yourself upstairs to bed and relax. Your hormones are everywhere making this feel so much worse

It's not rocket science to ask for a little compassion and a slight tweak of a contact for a week

If the OPs dp was pulling his weight with his children, I'd agree. He has them overnight one night a week, won't help with the rest of the week as "he works" and when the dc are with them, he doesn't manage their behaviour.

No wonder the ex is pig sick.

Most women want custody when they split and often say that the Father see's them a lot less than she does. If she is not coping then contact needs to be looked at. The woman should not be able to change her mind week to week to suit how she's feeling. Maintenance is decided on how often the man see's his children.

It is very strange that the week the OP has given birth is the exact week that ex decides she's not coping.

How do you measure 'coping'?

I see your point but the SCs mother is due in May with her new baby and they have the same agreement in place that the SC will stay with OP and their dad for the week minus a few hours for them to visit their mum and new baby so the children's mother has time to recoup and sounds like despite what's happened OP intends to stick to that plan and good for her. I hope OP does stick to it and shows how to be the bigger person in these situation and shows compassion

It's hardly going to be a normal routine with a brand new baby in the house - and would be better all round if the ex had waited a while to send the children over.

this bit in no way adds up

also the “would have the full time but can’t because of work hours but have offered”

You KNEW he had young children already. They can’t be put on a shelf just because you've had a baby. What if they were also your older children? Would you ship them off to their grandparents for a week?

Has nobody in this sorry story heard of contraception. I feel sorry for the 3&4 year old being shunted between houses as both their parents have new babies with new partners.

I disagree. The other children should be EQUAL

Yes as surely there are other times when the children don’t have their normal routine for a week, I.e. they go on holiday with their mother, the OP and DH go on holiday. I mean I’m married and get to go on holiday without my kids, when I was a single parent I got to go on holiday without my kids. I’ve been fine with my ex going on holiday and not having the kids for a week or 2. There is absolutely no reason why the kids needed to stay over that week

I think the title of this thread sums it up, despite all the OP updates. I am sympathetic as I know the OP will be tired and emotional, as is natural. But the title is very revealing about how the OP sees the family working. “DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.”. They’re not just the ex’s children. They are the DPs children, his home is their home and the OP’s child is their little sister.

This isn’t about a night off, this about the wider family relationship, and none of the adults here are behaving well by the sounds of it.

Im sorry but Im not sure I believe much of the updates in terms of the ex. The OP should never have had a child unless she was willing to accept that her child and ex’s child are actually part of the same family unit through the DP. They will always be related. OP needs to accept that and get on with it.

Honestly some of this comments are neither constructive or anything other than having a dig at a women who's just had a baby and was looking for advice.

I genuinely wonder if some of you guys are so unhappy with your own lives that you come on here to give some random op a good kicking.

I know it's aibu and this section can get a bit heated but people seem to be taking this to a new extreme on here.

Sorry OP, you lost me once you mentioned they were toddlers. You mentioned they aren't the best behaved and don't listen? No they are little kids. You chose to have a child with a man with very young kids. He can't take a break from parenting these kids cause you have had a child. YABVU. The kids and their mum are going to be a huge feature in all your lives so you best adapt. You bought into this. The poor kids. In a few years it could be your kid kept away while he has kids with someone else. Think about it. His toddlers need him as much as ever and as much as your child.

What the hell would be wrong with that?? I work in healthcare and many parents have the help of grandparents and nursery etc to care for their toddlers in the first few weeks. We did ourselves. Those toddlers are much happier (and their sibling bond) when they come home having had a fun day at nursery or out at the park or grandmas house than bored at home while a tired stressed mother tries to juggle baby and toddler.

Stepmothers always get a pasting on mumsnet. I think it's all the women with a secret fear their husband will leave them and another woman will get some kind of influence over their kids. Ignore them, OP.

The problem here is your partner - he needs to be primarily watching his older kids so you don't have to stop them hitting the baby etc.

And tbh, all of this should have been sorted before she was born. Arrangements etc. He's dropped the ball.

Congrats on your new arrival. You're not unreasonable to not feel entirely comfortable with your stepchildren and their feelings do not supersede yours, everyone is important. They should not feel pushed out but again, this is for your partner to manage.

@Nanaof1 Please don't use the label birth-mother outside of the context of adoption. The mum of a child who also has a step-mum doesn't need a prefix, they are mum or mother or mummy etc. It is insulting to give her a prefix. Birth-mother is appropriate in the context of adoption because the child hopefully ends up with a real maternal bond with their adoptive mother and will regard that mother as their "real" mum so needs a different phrase for the woman who gave them birth. Step-children really don't need such a phrase. They have a mum.

Having a new baby sibling and having your parent go on holiday are totally different in terms of significant life events- they are practically and emotionally completely incomparable.

If the op wanted her baby to be the centre of both its parents world, and to have everything be exactly as she would prefer she shouldn’t have had a baby with a man who had two very young children already. Her child is not the first or only child in her family.

Id imagine if the bloke has had 3 kids in quick succession with 2 different women, op may well soon be finding out what it’s like to be the ‘difficult ex’ while a new woman insists HER baby is the priority.

Tell me you’ve jumped into a relationship and had more kids with a man who had recently split up with the mother of his kids WITHOUT telling me….. 😉

No, I think both the OP's partner and his ex have been really stupid and irresponsible to have new babies with new partners when their own children are still so young.

But the OP's partner could potentially impregnate a different woman every day, whereas his ex can only have one full term pregnancy per year.

And, contrary to what the OP is saying, she is the resident parent and the primary caregiver for their two children. She is actually the one responsible for housing and clothing and feeding them on a daily basis.

So I would hope that the fact that she is the one who actually has to go through pregnancy and childbirth and then have day-to-day responsibility for raising any resulting children will at least put some sort of practical limit on the number of babies she decides to churn out with various partners.

Whereas the OP's partner could go round knocking up a potentially unlimited number of women with very few consequences, especially since he doesn't appear to be interested in marrying any of them.

Just FYI, I have no skin in this game whatsoever, so no, I am not a bitter ex projecting my own issues here. I'm very happily married and neither I nor my husband have any children with any exes.