DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

She hasn't said. I asked a while back, no response.

I really feel for the children of an ex-wife/partner who has zero clue on how to discipline the DC she already has and is ALSO pregnant and due in May. The birth mother cannot handle the 2 little children SHE has but is going to have another?

Oh wait, YOU want to jump on the OP for being pregnant and having a baby but yet, conveniently leave out ANY comment about the birth mother/ex also being pregnant. Interesting that you would do that, yet not surprising. It seems your true colors are showing and they aren't very pretty.

A LOT of ugly-souled and nasty people on MN who seem to enjoy being bullies but will cry and whine if it's done to them.

The op didn't even say that the ex was pregnant at the beginning of the thread. If that was such a major issue for her, she should have mentioned it at the start.

FWIW I think the ex is also a massive tit for having a baby with a new partner so quickly.

But the real issue for me is that the OP and the ex are both being shat on by the not-so-D P of the OP, who isn't parenting the kids he has adequately and is going on to have more with the OP in short order and his plans for care for his existing children are to dump them on the OP.

Of course you haven’t treated them like your own since you met them- if they were your own children you wouldn’t be quibbling about having extra days with them pushed onto you, and you wouldn’t have planned to send them away when you had a new baby.

It’s normal to feel differently about step children than you do about your own, especially when you haven’t known them for very long. Would you have cried because one of your step children accidentally hit the other in the face?

I think the whole thing will be easier if you are honest with yourself about your feelings… but yes- it is unreasonable to disrupt the routine of two small children and keep them away from their dad for your own and your biological child’s benefit.

He had very young children when you met him- they are part of the deal and he, at least, has to prioritise them and their needs over what you want.

The kids actually don’t NEED to see their father on those particular days if they have a mother . Nothing will happen , they won’t die and I highly doubt there would be long time consequences to missing a few days. I do not understand the rigidity of this . Step parents always have to bend to what the birth parent wants but when birth parents want to disrupt the routine or change something that’s okay . Hugely hypocritical. We put so many assumptions on small children . These kids don’t know any different. It’s the adult that put these negative narratives onto kids in my opinion . Sure some kids do actually get left out etc
but I’ve had the experience that the new child is pushed out in favour of the older children. It seems the new child is not really considered in all of this . The kids are just pawns in these adults games . It’s shit.

So the step kids mother will be having a baby in May - do remind her that you will be following her rules that she applies to you. This gives her loads of time to find childcare.

She's the primary carer for her children, which makes a difference to anyone who doesn't have a reason to go on a female-centred website to complain that it centres women.

Exactly, the poor OP is being pelleted with the shoulder chips of every MNs that’s ever felt wronged by a man. All this about she’s just have to get on with it if it were her own children and the DSC will feel pushed out if not there during this time is utter rubbish. I arranged for childcare for my older children when I had my subsequent babies and the DSC were on holiday. The only child I ever had any issues with was the one I hadn’t initially arranged childcare for after the birth, it was in there face that I was giving attention to the baby even though a very easy baby so could still give them lots of attention. All the others and the DSC loved the new babies from the start, their lives carried on as good as ever (in fact getting to go away/out and do even more fun things during that time) when they would come back home from nursery or grandmas they’d be too full of what they had been doing that day and excited about seeing the baby again to be bothered about being jealous and I was able to recover.

These are my sentiments too, well said.

Which has absolutely nothing to do with anything. The woman is still getting pregnant by the man, so it's her responsibility too.

Centers women? You mean centers exes who are the birth mothers. Because they most certainly do not center on the step-mothers who get treated like shite on here. The birth mothers can do everything they want to make her exes and their new partners miserable, but if a step-mother asks for a shred of decent behavior from the birth mother, she gets denigrated, castigated and shamed.

@Nanaof1
What would be the point of making any comment on the ex wife be?!? She's not on this thread!

They know something different to having a new sibling and then being told that because of that new sibling they can’t see their dad.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s the biological mum or the dad and step mum that are changing plans and pushing the children from pillar to post- none of it is fair to the children.

The step mum knew she was having a baby with a man who has a difficult relationship with his ex and the mother of his child, and still chose to make the situation more complicated by having another child. And the biological mum is doing the same.

No one comes out covered in glory here.

The OP responded to a question about the arrangements. Of course it meant something but oh PLEASE! Few remember to write every thing down in their first post.

It also sounds like the OP's current partner is doing quite a bit, but he would be torn to shreds if he took his kids away from the house and OP and he would be accused of not "integrating the children into the new family dynamic".

It also seems to me that the birth mother doesn't seem to know how to parent the kids she already has and is going to add another to the mix. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't insist on her ex taking her new kid too, so the "children can stay together and all bond".

It isn't about berating step mother/ex wives etc per se because that would be stereotyping @Nanaof1

It's about parents (or would be parents) behaving selfishly and not considering at all needs of current children before plodding on with their own desires.

Yes @MargotBamborough I get that impression too. She's made up a story that she's trying to convince herself is true because the reality is unpalatable.

Exactly. The op didn’t have to get pregnant with a man who already had young children and a troubled relationship with their mother. I don’t understand why people get involved in situations like this, and then seem surprised that they are in a situation like this…

The birth mother sounds as bad, but since she isn’t here asking for opinions fewer people are mentioning her.

So, because the OP is the one who posted, it's open season on her? To try and bully her into what? She was venting and asking for a little bit of empathy. Yet, many, if not most MNers were totally incapable of even that little ask. The fact that these same people are raising little people to be just like them is frightening.

It's very sad that it's not even surprising how ugly and nasty so many MNers are towards others.

The bitterness and heartlessness towards step-mothers on these threads is disgusting.

Sorry but yes yabu and this is entirely what to expect if you get pregnant by a man who already has 2 kids and is taking a good active role in parenting them. Your baby isn't an only child they are the latest addition to a big and busy household. You can pretend to be a you&dp& baby little threesome on the days when the older kids are with their mum but on the days when they are with you, they are part of the family, not interlopers or visitors. If you don't sign up for that then you need to do some kind of semi-split from DP and live elsewhere as a single-parent on his days with his older kids and only see him on his other days, but that seems a bit of a sad existence to me.

You do realise that many of the people giving advice the OP may not like to hear are step mothers themselves? 😉

I honestly don't see any bullying here - the OP is giving us information and asking for opinions on it. Just because people are being told they are unreasonable, or posters are pointing out the negatives of a situation, doesn't mean its bullying.

Being the primary carer has nothing to do with anything? Actually parenting and taking responsibility isn't relevant?

You have nothing to contribute to the discussion.

It isn't bullying @Nanaof1. And I know that doesn't sit in your narrative. It's pointing out that there are two very young children here, who do actually exist, and could do with some huge dollops of tlc right now.

It’s not about step mothers in general though is it? I know plenty of great ones, who genuinely adore their step children, have them live with them full time, go to school plays/sports matches/events for the SC as well as their biological children.

I have a lot of respect for step parents because it’s a lot to take on and undoubtedly difficult to navigate.

but

Would you be falling over yourself to accommodate someone who snaps at your small children, calls looking after them “being palmed off” and seems to view them/you as an inconvenience? It would be a cold day in hell I would just let my ex get on with showing his already existing kids they clearly aren’t as important.