Page 27 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Tandora · 15/12/2023 00:58

Panaa · 14/12/2023 19:01

It's literally impossible to believe your version of events when you're saying 2 evenings per week and an overnight at the weekends is 50/50.

If you believe that then I can see why you think she's being 'difficult' but that's because you are completely misrepresenting how much care your DP actually does for these children and you're making out it's 50/50 care when it is not even close.

The things you did list about her in your OP that you thought made her seem bad don't make her seem bad at all, It's normal to want the kids to be told about their new sibling first, If she commented to your dp that he didn't want to see the kids and that he only wanted a pic of them with the baby then those are her feelings and they could be perfectly valid.

It's a bit of a drip feed to say that she threatens that he can't see them, and tbh it doesn't fit in with the rest of your narrative where you already have them 50/50 and yet she still wants to constantly pawn them off for more time just to suit herself.

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It's literally impossible to believe your version of events when you're saying 2 evenings per week and an overnight at the weekends is 50/50.

This with bells on. OP you are deluded and wildly unreasonable.

And stop snapping at your toddler DSC.

FestiveFruitloop · 15/12/2023 01:02

Desecratedcoconut · 14/12/2023 19:25

Says no decent parent.

Children come first for a reason, they are vulnerable, utterly dependent and powerless. They have acquired no resources to compensate for the failings of the people around them and how they are treated as children will echo through their entire lives.

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At the same time, if the relationships between the adults in their lives aren't strong, that renders children still more vulnerable. Adult relationships need to be nurtured for the kids' sake just as much as the adults'.

Justnoidea · 15/12/2023 01:20

Poor little children. I feel so sorry for your step kids. Their parents have split up, their dad has got a new girlfriend and seemingly immediately got her pregnant, they’re being pushed out by the new baby and their stepmum is snapping at them and resenting them for (a) what sounds like totally normal toddler behaviour and (b) stuff that is down to their parents’ choices. They didn’t ask for any of this.

You, on the other hand OP, are a grown adult who walked into this situation with your eyes open. You need to think how you would feel if your own precious DD was being treated like this.

LaurieStrode · 15/12/2023 01:24

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Panaa · 15/12/2023 01:26

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 15/12/2023 00:46

So how come when the OP wanted a bit of time just after giving birth she's selfish, she should be thinking about the step kids, they need to be there no matter how arm flayling and full of cold they might be, she just can't send them away. But when their mum gives birth off they go, that mum needs recovery and baby bonding time!

Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander right?

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She's not selfish for wanting time to herself after giving birth.
But she's unreasonable for her rant against the ex, especially with the drip feed and the contradictory statements and an answer for everything which makes me even doubt they had a one week agreement in the first place 😂but anyway assuming they did...

I don't think one mother deserves recovery and baby bonding time and that the other doesn't.
But as it stands because the DP only has the kids approx 20% of the time the OP will have a lot more recovery time in general overall than the ex will even if they do take the kids for an extra week, and as he only takes the kids 20% of the time then I do think that that first week will be really needed because straight after she's going to be back to having the kids 6 nights out of 7.

Fionaville · 15/12/2023 01:50

These kids are only 3 and 4, they sound like they need lots of love and reassurance. Like any young child does when a new sibling comes along. Yet you're talking about them needing discipline.
I get it, older kids, even older babies look like massive germ machines when you have a brand new baby. It's what you signed up for though. You need to show them love and accept that your family is fully blended.

Mcemmabell · 15/12/2023 02:28

Imagine your baby daughter, when she's age 3. Her daddy doesn't want to see her because he's had a new baby. How would that make her feel? How would you have felt in that situation, as a child?

As a child I was pushed out and rejected by my step mother. Trust me when I say it's horrible. Be a better person.

And having existing kids when you have a new baby is really stressful. That's the reality of it.

Pollyanna31 · 15/12/2023 02:43

The children are still babies at 3 & 4 years and need their father if not mother and father together. If anything the intruder is you. Women end up single with kids and kids with no father's because it's all too easy jumping in and out of relationships. If it was me I wouldve sent him back there with such young kids. Now your trying to play happy families just the 3 of you well theres 5.

MeMySonAnd1 · 15/12/2023 02:57

Pollyanna31 · 15/12/2023 02:43

The children are still babies at 3 & 4 years and need their father if not mother and father together. If anything the intruder is you. Women end up single with kids and kids with no father's because it's all too easy jumping in and out of relationships. If it was me I wouldve sent him back there with such young kids. Now your trying to play happy families just the 3 of you well theres 5.

Intruder??? Give your head a wobble, those kids are too young to even remember when their parents lived together. The parents separated twice by mutual agreement before they got divorced, she cannot send him back because his ex wife doesn’t want him back, has her own partner and is expecting a baby as well.

The children need their parent but it was OP who was minding all children as dad was not able even to prevent the newborn wasn’t hit by the SC twice.

Now go and clutch your pearls and reduce your judgemental traits at the Stately Homes threads, so you can see how many people get their lives ruined being raised toxic families who live under a single roof. Many of them would have been better off with happier separated families or away from a toxic parent.

Sceptre86 · 15/12/2023 03:34

You are getting an unnecessarily hard time of it. Clearly a lot of mumsnetters are the ex that's why the ex can never do any wrong compared to the stepmother. It wasn't unreasonable to expect the kids to visit on the first week but not do sleepovers, if it had been prearranged. She shouldn't have changed the goalposts last minute and frankly sounds unpleasant. However if they are a part of the family then you just get on with it as I did when I bought dd2 home, I didn't send dd1 or ds away. I appreciate that they aren't your children and you haven't been an actual parent or given birth before but I think the premise is still the same if you are a stepparent and this is where peoples thoughts will differ.

People do tend to have babies with this kind of age gap but it isn't easy when the child doesn't live with you full time. My ds was 4 when his sister was born and was very gentle but under my supervision. He did get a little jealous on occasion (mummy's boy) but I could reassure him and get him involved on being a big brother. It's much harder for kids that don't live with a parent all the time, especially of they have a new sibling in one house and are about to have one in their house roo. That's a lot of change for them in a short space of time.

Ad a.parent of 3 my dd2 has just had to slot into her siblings routines. Your baby is your first but if you are committed to being a step parent/blended family then she will have to as well as shes the 3rd child in the famioy youve chosen for yourself. For me that meant working her routine around pick ups and drop off to school and working out naps around that.

You need to have a serious think about whether this is the right life for you.

PriOn1 · 15/12/2023 04:39

OP, I see you have already commented on the fact that you hadn’t done your research about this site before posting, so obviously you have realised by now that stepchildren threads always go this way.

I too read the first paragraph where it says “I […]was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family.” and I thought this wasn’t reasonable on the grounds that you probably shouldn’t have expected your stepchildren’s routine to change, given that they are part of your family.

I also don’t think it’s wise for you to say you have them 50% as having them overnight means their mum is still dealing with them when they are sick during overnight , which is a big responsibility and she can’t relax properly if she’s out as she has to be back for their bedtime. You don’t really have them anywhere near 50%, even if you have partial responsibility for them on half the days of the week.

But I see your hope for some extra time without them was based on what their mum had offered to do (and is expecting you to do in return for her) and that you post is actually about the fact that your stepchildren’s mum has not only gone back on what she had offered to do for you, but has pushed them onto you more than usual over the period just after your baby was born.

So in that, no I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It sounds incredibly frustrating. I also think she was a bit mean to send them over with colds (doesn’t sound like flu from your description). I realise that if they were unwell and living with you all the time, there would be no choice, but there obviously was a choice here. That said, children that age have colds almost all the time, so not sending them every time would be an unreasonable expectation.

Anyway, I hope things settle down and that having her own baby will make your husband’s ex more secure and stop using the children as a weapon, which it does sound like she is doing at present. Hope you have an enjoyable Christmas with your new baby.

Cockapoo1211 · 15/12/2023 06:39

PriOn1 · 15/12/2023 04:39

OP, I see you have already commented on the fact that you hadn’t done your research about this site before posting, so obviously you have realised by now that stepchildren threads always go this way.

I too read the first paragraph where it says “I […]was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family.” and I thought this wasn’t reasonable on the grounds that you probably shouldn’t have expected your stepchildren’s routine to change, given that they are part of your family.

I also don’t think it’s wise for you to say you have them 50% as having them overnight means their mum is still dealing with them when they are sick during overnight , which is a big responsibility and she can’t relax properly if she’s out as she has to be back for their bedtime. You don’t really have them anywhere near 50%, even if you have partial responsibility for them on half the days of the week.

But I see your hope for some extra time without them was based on what their mum had offered to do (and is expecting you to do in return for her) and that you post is actually about the fact that your stepchildren’s mum has not only gone back on what she had offered to do for you, but has pushed them onto you more than usual over the period just after your baby was born.

So in that, no I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It sounds incredibly frustrating. I also think she was a bit mean to send them over with colds (doesn’t sound like flu from your description). I realise that if they were unwell and living with you all the time, there would be no choice, but there obviously was a choice here. That said, children that age have colds almost all the time, so not sending them every time would be an unreasonable expectation.

Anyway, I hope things settle down and that having her own baby will make your husband’s ex more secure and stop using the children as a weapon, which it does sound like she is doing at present. Hope you have an enjoyable Christmas with your new baby.

The step parent threads always go the same . The OP gets piled on and only the off poster shows empathy / offers any practical advice . Lots of triggered ex wives / exes replying I expect. Or lots of hypocrites who believe they have perfect lives / make perfect choices .

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 07:05

So how come when the OP wanted a bit of time just after giving birth she's selfish, she should be thinking about the step kids, they need to be there no matter how arm flayling and full of cold they might be, she just can't send them away. But when their mum gives birth off they go, that mum needs recovery and baby bonding time!

Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander right?

Double standards prevail when it comes to step-mothers

Cockapoo1211 · 15/12/2023 07:07

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 07:05

So how come when the OP wanted a bit of time just after giving birth she's selfish, she should be thinking about the step kids, they need to be there no matter how arm flayling and full of cold they might be, she just can't send them away. But when their mum gives birth off they go, that mum needs recovery and baby bonding time!

Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander right?

Double standards prevail when it comes to step-mothers

This .

AnneValentine · 15/12/2023 07:21

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 19:43

Why are you bashing the OP, Valentine, when the custody arrangements were probably not hers and the ex is being manipulative and is off-loading her children? Presumably, the DP pays maintenance so it is a 50%-50% arrangement in that case, but one part is money, which I bet ex would hate losing, because my ex-DH was livid when I re-arranged custody in court so that I no longer paid maintenance. If custody really is 50-50 then no maintenance need be paid since both parties are spending their own share on the children.

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The ex pays maintenance which makes it 50/50 😂

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 07:40

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Yep.

Her partner needs to tie a knot in it before he has another child with the OP and then two more with a third woman by the end of the decade.

PepperIsHere · 15/12/2023 07:47

Look I'm all for being supportive of a new mother and I'm sure all.of us well remember the overwhelm that accompanies the birth of the first baby. I doubt any of us would begrudge the OP time and peace to recover from the birth and begin to adjust to parenthood.

Where the OP loses sympathy is in her very harsh take on her stepchildren who she describes as badly behaved, aggressive and basically one big nuisance pricking her bubble of proper family. And the bitterness she holds for their mother for having the audacity to expect her children to see their dad, is nauseating. Sick actually. It genuinely worries me that this level of cognitive dissonant can exist - the arrogance of expecting to be pampered because you've had a baby while hating on two small children who are ALSO her HUSBAND'S children and who, until very recently, were also babies.

The OP comes across as self absorbed, immature, mean-spirited and totally out of touch with the reality of parenting.

I feel very sad for all the children in this toxic mess. And that is nothing to do with step parenting and everything to do with people procreating when they are horribly ill-prepared.

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2023 07:51

OP, if you’re still reading, please come over to the Step parenting board. AIBU is generally the shark-infested waters of the First Wives Club

Nanaof1 · 15/12/2023 07:54

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

Your DP should just take the ex back to court and get 50/50. He'll save money on maintenance payments (I think 50/50 care eliminates maintenance), and they'll have more time to fit into your family circle. The elimination of child maintenance should more than cover the additional costs in your home.

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 07:55

Once your baby is the same age the kids are now, you'll realise how ridiculous the "free time" comment is OP!

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 07:57

PepperIsHere · 15/12/2023 07:47

Look I'm all for being supportive of a new mother and I'm sure all.of us well remember the overwhelm that accompanies the birth of the first baby. I doubt any of us would begrudge the OP time and peace to recover from the birth and begin to adjust to parenthood.

Where the OP loses sympathy is in her very harsh take on her stepchildren who she describes as badly behaved, aggressive and basically one big nuisance pricking her bubble of proper family. And the bitterness she holds for their mother for having the audacity to expect her children to see their dad, is nauseating. Sick actually. It genuinely worries me that this level of cognitive dissonant can exist - the arrogance of expecting to be pampered because you've had a baby while hating on two small children who are ALSO her HUSBAND'S children and who, until very recently, were also babies.

The OP comes across as self absorbed, immature, mean-spirited and totally out of touch with the reality of parenting.

I feel very sad for all the children in this toxic mess. And that is nothing to do with step parenting and everything to do with people procreating when they are horribly ill-prepared.

I actually get the distinct impression that the OP is telling herself and the rest of us a story.

She's creating a sort of false narrative in which having a baby with this particular man was a reasonable thing to do and the circumstances leading to the breakdown of her partner and his ex's relationship were unique to them and more to do with her rather than him, meaning that history will not repeat itself here.

So it is the ex who ended the relationship, the ex who doesn't do enough to take care of her own children, the ex who struggles to control her children's behaviour to the point where she asked her ex partner's childless new girlfriend for parenting advice...yeah, sure she did...

The OP has to believe these things because otherwise she is just another vulnerable woman who has had a baby with a man she isn't married to and who has form for leaving a partner before their child's first birthday.

Grammarnut · 15/12/2023 08:01

It seems to me this has become a parent-bashing thread. Yes, most fathers go out to work and maybe it's a physical job, or they work shifts. Yes, we have been duped into believing that women with children should have two full-time jobs, one in the home and one outside. This suits a capitalist system that wants workers as cheaply as possible and wants them also to consume, which that belief fits beautifully (no wonder women with children who stay at home are villified as non-economic units). Without doubt, men should be involved in the double-shift as well as women - then perhaps some sanity would emerge and the 'consumer society' would die the death and we could go back to living lives that were worth having. Or perhaps we should start looking at a truly feminist society where women's needs are accommodated as well as men's, where raising children is seen as important, where women's biology is not a bar to promotion or success. But whichever way we think is right, bashing the OP and her DP for having a child, for having full-time jobs to pay the bills and pay for another family is a bit off. And you do not have to be a second-wave feminist (as I am) to think so.

Nanaof1 · 15/12/2023 08:04

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rorret · 15/12/2023 08:05

@Grammarnut where has the OP said her DP pays maintenance? Apologies if I missed it.

The OP and her DP can't have been together much more than a couple of months when she got pregnant. That isn't enough time for her to have figured out what kind of a person he is, much less what kind of a father he is and will be.

It's for the OP's DH to sort childcare for the days he has his children, not to dump them on the OP and expect her to look after them.

rorret · 15/12/2023 08:08

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In order for the Op's DP to have his kids the same amount as the ex is, then the ex would get 6 nights off every week. The OP's DP only has his kids one night overnight - he's not some prince amongst men.

If the ex was having the kids the same amount as the OP's DP does, then she'd have 6 nights off after she has her baby.