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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
nutelia · 14/12/2023 22:49

Pallisers · 14/12/2023 22:39

But don’t you know , if you are a step parent you must have the step children round at all costs ?

This kind of sums up the problem for children of divorced/separated parents. The poster who said this hardly thinks she is "having her children round" when they come home from school. But children going to their dad's home is "having the children round" like visitors. Like people who don't actually live there. Like people for whom this isn't really their home.

I honestly think none of the adults look good in this. Two tiny children being introduced to two new babies from their new step parents before they hit school age. Actually the OP looks the best of the lot - at least she owes nothing to her step children. But her partner looks like a loser and his ex (admittedly we only have OP's view) the same. no one seems to actually want those children in their home. It is like they are a burden each one wants to put on the other. Not "we'll get them for a whole week when the ex gives birth which will be lovely" but "we'll take them for a week and do this for her" and vice versa for the ex. Anyone on this thread who would actually want this as a home life for their 3 and 4 year olds?

Precisely. The kids aren’t ‘visiting’ they are coming to their home with their parent.

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2023 22:50

Why can’t we cut the crap and acknowledge that no one really enjoys spending time with someone else’s children, particularly when you’ve just given birth?

silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 22:52

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2023 22:50

Why can’t we cut the crap and acknowledge that no one really enjoys spending time with someone else’s children, particularly when you’ve just given birth?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 22:55

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2023 22:50

Why can’t we cut the crap and acknowledge that no one really enjoys spending time with someone else’s children, particularly when you’ve just given birth?

Because that doesn't matter when that "someone else" is your partner, with whom you have a child. That "someone else" and that "someone else's kids" are a package deal.

atthecoreofallyoudo · 14/12/2023 23:03

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2023 22:50

Why can’t we cut the crap and acknowledge that no one really enjoys spending time with someone else’s children, particularly when you’ve just given birth?

Of course they don't. I couldn't actually care less about other people's children, even if I like them well enough. Which is why only a very few people can be decent step parents. Only those people should reproduce with someone who already has young children.

OpenLanes · 14/12/2023 23:10

Your feelings are reasonable, your expectations are not.

miniegg3 · 14/12/2023 23:10

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:05

@Grammarnut he has told her multiple times he will take full custody as the past 5 months she has been saying she cannot cope with their behaviour, but she won’t give it up. instead she just sends them here for a week for us to discipline, and then the cycle continues.

Can't cope, so instead decides to have another baby 👶 the answer to everything it seems in this story

Calliopespa · 14/12/2023 23:17

Toottooot · 14/12/2023 15:44

Peer step kids - that’s who I feel sorry for.

Yeah I hate to say this but you are sounding slightly like the stereotype of stepmother that crops up in fairy stories like Cinderella. Sorry: I know that’s not what you were wanting to hear.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 14/12/2023 23:18

You are getting a really hard time here OP. I’m afraid stepmums always do, especially if there are young kids involved as there’s an assumption they’re the OW or that they got with dad very soon after separation.

Enjoy your new baby and I’m sorry, two very wee ones plus a newborn is going to be hard even without the family dynamics you have. I’d get DH to deal with it it and tell him he has to entertain and look after his kids - you need time with your new baby. The siblings absolutely need time to get to know each other but they shouldn’t really be physically close enough to hit the baby in the face.

I have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. It is tough, there’s intermittent jealousy and frequent boisterousness. I’d carve out time for yourself and the baby to be together alone and to bond. So for example, spend an hour with the kids altogether, then DH has to step up and take them out so you can rest.

You aren’t the bad guy, and he needs to step up to make sure the kids don’t see you as such.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 14/12/2023 23:19

miniegg3 · 14/12/2023 23:10

Can't cope, so instead decides to have another baby 👶 the answer to everything it seems in this story

Show quote history

I think you’ve read it the wrong way around - it’s the ex who has said she can’t cope, OP hadn’t said she can’t cope.

pearldiamond · 14/12/2023 23:22

OP - yanbu!! At all. She sounds vindictive and manipulative.

Calliopespa · 14/12/2023 23:26

BalletBob · 14/12/2023 20:45

Yeah I'm sure it's really difficult and at times soul destroying trying to raise 2 toddlers pretty much single-handedly while their dad impregnates his brand new girlfriend and starts over again. She has them 6 nights a week. They are very, very young and have been through a lot. It's really no surprise that their behaviour reflects this. Or that they behave worse for their mum - with whom they feel safest and most secure, since their father is not even close to being their primary carer. And instead of thanks from her ex for raising his kids for him, she gets lectures on how to parent (!) and idle threats about taking the kids off her. As if he'd go for full custody 🙄

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👍

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 14/12/2023 23:27

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miniegg3 · 14/12/2023 23:47

AngryBirdsNoMore · 14/12/2023 23:19

I think you’ve read it the wrong way around - it’s the ex who has said she can’t cope, OP hadn’t said she can’t cope.

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The ex is pregnant!

Caththegreat · 14/12/2023 23:56

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STARCATCHER22 · 15/12/2023 00:04

Those of you proudly announcing that you don’t like/can’t stand other people’s children… it’s not the flex that you seem to think that it is.

Isn’t it just as well that your children’s teachers like other people’s children? Their dance teachers? Their football coaches? Your friends and family?

Saying that, this whole situation is an absolute mess and I feel sorry for the step children. To be almost 4 and have a new sibling, your dad move in with a new girlfriend, your parents be separate for at least 2 years. It’s a lot. Assuming the OP was with her DP for at least 3 months before falling pregnant (here’s hoping!), that means that his split with his ex when the youngest was under 1. I wonder why it isn’t going so well currently…

AngryBirdsNoMore · 15/12/2023 00:12

miniegg3 · 14/12/2023 23:47

The ex is pregnant!

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Shit sorry you’re right - I missed that. Sorry!

Doodar · 15/12/2023 00:15

with all the available men in the world, why do single women go for men with young kids then have a baby with them? Life of being skint and having to deal with step kids for at least a decade.

cassy16 · 15/12/2023 00:18

Your being really unreasonable they are his children!! you cant pick and choose when to be a parent. i assume nor would you want the step children to feel pushed out by their sibling that your obviously trying to do!

Wait till your little dalring ''isnt so well behaved'' if anyone said that about your child you'd be furious

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 15/12/2023 00:21

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 18:26

@Panaa funnily enough, she’s due in May and we had already agreed the same time frame. we would have the kids a week, minus a few hours for visits, so that she could recover and bond with her new little one. she didn’t stick to it—we will be.

Are we all missing this, when the sanctimonious posts pour in the vein of "you should have thought about that when you got with him," "you need to grow up", "they're FAMILY", "those poor kids".

Yes, those poor kids when their own MOTHER expects a whole week away from them bar a few visits when SHE gives birth! Alright for HER to have recovery and special new baby bonding time is it?

cassy16 · 15/12/2023 00:25

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 19:40

But @mikka404 - since you have the children 50/50 (your words),surely their bad behaviour is down absolutely equally to both parents? Since they look after them equal amounts of time?

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i agree she also stated they where toddlers! poor things have parents in a turmultious split and a step mother that clearly isnt fond!! toddlers take very differently to a new baby so what you saw as bad behaviour could have been jelousy and feeling pushed out especially as they are super young and suddenly a new baby is here and then their time with dad is cut short (sorry for my long rambling sentance with no grammer)

Calliopespa · 15/12/2023 00:31

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Agree. And the title of this post “ making my child’s birth all about [existing] children” says it all. The arrival of a new baby in the family IS as much about the existing children as anyone. Children intuitively understand the overwhelming importance to their basic wellbeing, both practical and emotional, being intrinsically linked to their bond with their parents and it’s entirely natural that a new arrival is a threat. That is the case in any family. But when it’s happening in a situation where they only see their father a few nights a week and he now has a new baby with a person who doesn’t much like their snotty grotty little colds near the arrival, or their normal three year old flailing arms and wishes their mum would just take them away at this “important” time, then that makes it even harder. For the majority of mothers, reassuring older dcs is one of their prime intuitive concerns in the wake of having a new baby. Little newborns have their needs met if they are the right temperature, have a full tummy of milk and cuddles to settle them. A three year old’s needs in the scenario are infinitely more complicated. So sorry to burst the “ me and MY baby bubble” but if you bring a new life into that of existing dcs it actually IS about them.

Panaa · 15/12/2023 00:33

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 15/12/2023 00:21

Are we all missing this, when the sanctimonious posts pour in the vein of "you should have thought about that when you got with him," "you need to grow up", "they're FAMILY", "those poor kids".

Yes, those poor kids when their own MOTHER expects a whole week away from them bar a few visits when SHE gives birth! Alright for HER to have recovery and special new baby bonding time is it?

Show quote history

No, a few of us responded to it.

The mother has the kids 80% of the time so I think it's fair enough that she would ask the dad to take them for one whole week, the mother will then have the kids back for 6 nights out of every 7 for every week that follows.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 15/12/2023 00:46

Panaa · 15/12/2023 00:33

No, a few of us responded to it.

The mother has the kids 80% of the time so I think it's fair enough that she would ask the dad to take them for one whole week, the mother will then have the kids back for 6 nights out of every 7 for every week that follows.

Show quote history

So how come when the OP wanted a bit of time just after giving birth she's selfish, she should be thinking about the step kids, they need to be there no matter how arm flayling and full of cold they might be, she just can't send them away. But when their mum gives birth off they go, that mum needs recovery and baby bonding time!

Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander right?

Calliopespa · 15/12/2023 00:54

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 15/12/2023 00:46

So how come when the OP wanted a bit of time just after giving birth she's selfish, she should be thinking about the step kids, they need to be there no matter how arm flayling and full of cold they might be, she just can't send them away. But when their mum gives birth off they go, that mum needs recovery and baby bonding time!

Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander right?

Show quote history

Both women need to be prepared to have the dcs in the home as usual when the babies arrive. In non blended families that happens as bd the mothers cope. It’s important children aren’t marginalised by a new arrival.

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