DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Well according to the OP the mum isn't coping and is begging for help disciplining the kids and advice from the OP about how to get them to behave to the point where the DP has said he'll take them full time..

So I don't know if you'd consider her to be ill but admitting she's not coping surely suggests that she's on her way to that if the situation doesn't improve.

Op you need to be clearer. What you wanted is not to have them overnight at all for a week. Yes I do think that's unreasonable because you only have them 1 night a week anyway. It's hardly an even split to agree that she would have them for 1 whole week after the birth of your dc and for you to have them for 1 week after the birth of hers when she has them 6 nights a week. You are misleading people when you say you wanted "1 night off" - you had them 3/4 nights out of 12

Op, are you taking care of the children when their dad and mum are working? That’s the only way I can imagine they are spending 50% of the time with you. Are you having them every weekend plus two weekdays? With them going back to mum’s house straight to bed?

Replying to earlier reoly. Yes, I see now that OP and other posters have clarified that her saying 50/50 was incorrect, that referred to what she calls free time only.
The rest of my post makes sense to me.

Having read so many, many MN threads and posts on shared care %s over the years I think the whole shebang is doomed. From the ideology to the practice, including the so called rights of working parents, childcare, etc, etc - none of it actually fully adds up when you calculate the full equation to any basis.

Just a noticement of mine.

Such a tough situation OP. I really feel for you. I think YANBU for wanting a week or so to settle. That first baby bubble is a really special time. I also think YANBU to be annoyed at SC Mum as she sounds like a nightmare.

I do think that it would be unreasonable for your DP to have done anything but take the kids as he normally would. Like PP I think this is such a special time for you as a family of five that it is important they are (and feel) involved in the initial weeks. This unfortunately means you don’t get your settling in time as a family of three. It is a (difficult) sacrifice you have had to make to have a child with a man who already has kids.

The kids listening issues and bad behaviour are fairly standard for their ages. They are really really young. They won’t have impulse control and they will likely feel a bit out of sorts which as a combination is difficult. I remember toddler and newborn phase and it is so stressful, toddlers do just want to be involved and to touch the baby constantly. You just need to keep reiterating those boundaries, they will learn.

Parenting my own toddlers who are now similar ages to you DSC without a newborn present is so challenging, to parent someone else’s young children around your newborn must be tough. Although I think that it is right that they should be there I also have total admiration for you doing it.

I chose to do that, and loved it! But nfw would I have wanted to do it with step children in the mix. I'd have been a terrible step mother, because I don't really care about anyone else's children (which is a very big reason why I wouldn't have gone down that route - it takes a very special type of woman or man to take on and love someone else's children in the way that they deserve, and I am 100% not that type of woman).

It totally pisses me off when people (aka the OP and her DP) say things like "he can't have them more because of work"

Err.....usually the resident parent works! Yet still manages to do breakfasts and drop offs and pick ups and dinners and overnights for the majority of the week - as is the case here. The ex gets one single night off to herself. Sure - she doesn't cook the kids dinner 2x a week on top but she's still got to he there doing bedtime and overnight those nights too.

Does your dp pay at least the CMS minimum based on 1x overnight per week?

This

Plus their mum will be dealing with all the nights the kids don't sleep, have nightmares, get ill during the night!

I’m sympathetic, being a new mum is very hard but these are your partner’s children. If they were your children who lived with you, you would just have to manage excitement, kids being kids etc. it’s not fair to expect siblings to stay away, you just need to manage it like any multi-child household. We had to manage our older children’s excitement, boisterousness etc around their new sibling, it’s normal. I understand you want your time but this is about the whole immediate family.

'No time to rest' Eell you won't for another 4 years!

Perfect advice right here. OP - please listen to this!

Completely understand your feeling overwhelmed but you need to understand that he already has children and if you guys broke up and he went off and had kids with another woman you wouldn't expect him to just ignore your children because he has a new one. Also if you feel overwhelmed what is he doing he should be pulling his weight and entertaining his older two, but bear in mind technically they are your family too now even if your not married or they are not your blood they are your daughters siblings and you want your child to have a healthy relationship with her siblings so you are right to feel emotional but maybe talk to the little ones mum and have her over for dinner with the kids even if she won't accept that say only for one night a week until the little one is older or even better can you not bring them round when they baby is sick and if you get into and new partnership and have another we would happily take them for a couple weeks or even when they are sick to take the weight off of you its not us pushing them out we love them and want them to have a strong relationship with our daughter kind of thing if your not willing to try reach out to her or meet in the middle why would she...

Why do people feel the need to have multiple children with multiple partners within short time frames and then throw a tantrum when it’s not like the Waltons. Leaving multiple damaged kids with behavioural issues floundering while they live out their Eastender lifestyles?

Is it me or are some of these drip feeds updates sounding… convenient 😂

Sorry you’re getting so much grief

fwiw - I do think you’ve been a bit naive to what you’re walking into here (your DP now has three under five) but you know what - you probably didn’t realise what this really looks like,

As a step mum I know this period is hard but they are still children of the family - they are older siblings and you can’t just not have them round because you’ve had a baby - just like if you have another baby you’ll still have your first born living in the house.

I also think she is right they should have been told first - they are your child’s siblings and so take priority in the family unit

she is probably feeling worried that her children are going to get pushed out - which is a very natural reaction.

it feels hard, because it is. But embrace being a blended family and treat step kids as you would your own and you’ll end up a stronger family unit because of it xx

It totally pisses me off when people (aka the OP and her DP) say things like "he can't have them more because of work"

Absolutely and when she asks for him to take some time off work to support her disciplining the kids she's told no but that he'd take them full time...and basically let the OP look after them most of the time, and then the ex is apparently unreasonable for not taking him up on the offer.

I don't even think it's a genuine offer, it's just said to shut the OP up.

It's offensive and ridiculously hurtful to not offer the support she's asking for but instead say you'll take the kids so your new girlfriend will essentially act as their mother.

I'm not surprised the co-parenting relationship is so strained because the OP and her DP have themselves convinced they're the reasonable ones when they are anything but and are coming across as extremely delusional.

The drip feed on this is massive (and I'm not convinced is fully truthful but that's the way it tends to go with threads that turn negatively against the OP).
I'd go and have a rest with your newborn and leave this thread now. I don't see what you are getting from it really. Your partner needs to sort a schedule with his ex and support all his children's needs. He was a fucking idiot to have another baby when his first two are so little, but it's done now. Best of luck.

@mikka404 so in almost 4 years. He had his 3rd child. Separated from the mother. Spent 2 years single. Met you. You got pregnant and went through the entire pregnancy. How long were you together before you got pregnant?

Then he claims to have his kids almost 50:50, but that’s actually dinner twice a week and over night once a week. You wanted just one night off after giving birth (understandable) but actually had them 4 nights in 12. Not every night?

He couldn’t possibly do more because of his job. Funny that. But has also offered to have them far more. But also couldn’t do more What happens if the ex says she can only do one night and 3 dinners a week?

makes total sense 🙄

This is not meant harshly but it is what it is.

I 'm going to get piled on here but if you get into a relationship with a man with not 1 but 2 babies( unless you fell pregnant after a month) his kids would have been so very little when you got together, then what do you expect?

Also you forgot that the kids are not the best behaved and don't listen when with the OP yet when they won't behave for the mother it's because she doesn't discipline them even though she asks the OP for advice on how to get them to behave 😂

But don’t you know , if you are a step parent you must have the step children round at all costs ?

This kind of sums up the problem for children of divorced/separated parents. The poster who said this hardly thinks she is "having her children round" when they come home from school. But children going to their dad's home is "having the children round" like visitors. Like people who don't actually live there. Like people for whom this isn't really their home.

I honestly think none of the adults look good in this. Two tiny children being introduced to two new babies from their new step parents before they hit school age. Actually the OP looks the best of the lot - at least she owes nothing to her step children. But her partner looks like a loser and his ex (admittedly we only have OP's view) the same. no one seems to actually want those children in their home. It is like they are a burden each one wants to put on the other. Not "we'll get them for a whole week when the ex gives birth which will be lovely" but "we'll take them for a week and do this for her" and vice versa for the ex. Anyone on this thread who would actually want this as a home life for their 3 and 4 year olds?

Hormones can expect,,, 🤦‍♀️

I haven’t voted as I don’t think it’s straightforward. Your stepkids are still really young, your DP hasn’t wasted much time in moving on and having another child so I would think his ex isn’t too focused on making your life ( or his) easy. In the middle of all of this are two little children who need to know that a new baby won’t replace them. It’s going to be tough but it is what you signed up for.