DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Where is all the assumptions that women want 50/50 when they split up. My DH's ex wouldn't have. I wouldn't have liked seeing my DC only 50%. Women usually get custody even if the men want it.

I did say that her partner should parent the older children whenever he is home. However if he is not around (back at work) and the older children are there and she feels she can't manage then getting help is a sensible solution.

The OP said in one of her posts that they (her DP and her) have the older children almost 50% of the time. I just went on thr info she gave.

Thing is, it's not just the ops home, it's her partners so all this 'you just say they can't come' is bollocks.

congratulations on the birth of your DD.

Unfortunately your DP does not stop being a parent just as you become one.

However it sounds as if you need a break and your DP needs to start teaching his children to behave.

He has the children 20% of the time - by the information she gave. And he wants them less, by her request, so that they can bond as a family of three, not five.

If the older children are around when her partner is at work, then it's up to him to arrange and pay for childcare. It is not on the OP to take on those caring duties for him.

@3orstickto2 it was a mutual agreement, or are people missing that also? she would have them for the full week after my labour, and we will have them for the full week after hers. she decided the day i gave birth she was no longer up for doing that and booked a weekend away.

People are misunderstanding the 50/50 split thing. The OP was talking about FREE TIME. Not 50/50 time spent in each home.

complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

How can you say her free time is a 50/50 split and also say

We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday

So your dp has his children one overnight per week? So not at all close to 50/50?

Unfortunately, OP, all of this writing was on the wall when you got together with a man who had separated from the mother of his very young children when they were still babies, and then very quickly got pregnant yourself.

This is your life now, you're going to have to accept it.

The dsc mum might have half the "free time" but she was doing almost all of the actual parenting and the dp is doing a token amount.

Sorry you’ve had such a difficult start to what should have been a really precious time. I think a lot of people here bring their own chips on their shoulder in their opinions on this matter. I am both a step mother and a mother who has been sad to see my children disregarded so think can see from both sides. I do think your DSC mother was out of order insisting you have them during this time. Your DH should have been quite firm and said they can pop and meet baby (if not ill) but otherwise your unavailable for a couple of weeks, just as you would have been if on holiday. When we had our children we booked childcare to take the pressure off and that was my own children. It’s totally inappropriate that you should have been expected to do anything but focus on your baby during this time, as a first time mother too I can imagine this would have been extra difficult. Hope your DH can be a bit more assertive or you can at least go and stay with family so you get a bit of the time alone with baby you deserve

I definitely think that the children need to be prioritised as they are so young so needy at the most normal of times. I’ve experienced having a newborn whilst having older children and also having a step child to add in too. It’s all hard work although i think with your own older children it’s easier as your heart is full of love for them so naturally you want to fully include them and ensure they know they are still important to you.

As mean as it sounds the step child does not always feel the same and when you’re tired they are simply annoying. But you are the adult and simply have to find a way. In my case my step son was being really noisy and whilst i just wanted peace for my newborn and he was looking for attention/having tv on loudly etc i had to get partner to deal with him when i just needed to go upstairs and breastfeed baby in peace. Couple occasions whilst she was small i’d say il take her out so you and dad can have som time and i just walked her to my mums. I dressed it up as in for their time together but it was because he was annoying me but as the adult thought better to just remove myself.

Whatever the judgements are re getting into a relationship with a man with 2 very young children it’s happened so you now just need to make the best of it and ensure that your children’s siblings are not pushed out and that does mean be willing to have them stay over more and pay for them including the extras that you will want your child to have not just the basics.

@TrashedSofa the relationship was fizzling after the birth of my stepson. and it was her who initially ended it, not my partner. i have said this already but people are still assuming otherwise. they ended on good terms, she got funny the moment she found out he was seeing someone else and has gotten worse ever since.

This is good advice.

Your feelings aren't unreasonable and personally I wouldn't have sent my DC over with the flu, but you would be unreasonable to expect or try to make things different. You can't have a first baby experience in a blended family, it's one of the costs of getting together with someone who already has small kids and a good parent. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't.

I would get them baby dolls but encourage them to be gentle with them, lots of reminders. They could copy you, change a nappy or give dolls a bath. Even better they can copy their Dad change nappies and bath baby. Help them feel involved and teach them how to be gentle. They probably look giant and grown up next to your baby but they're still so little and they need a lot of parental input at those ages. They've been through a lot to with parents seperating and now a new half sibling that lives in a different house. It's a lot for them.

This.

Exactly. Some people think it is 50/50 custody after what OP said. But it's not. Mum is doing all except one night and two dinners midweek.

What age was the youngest when they split for good?

For how long were you and your partner dating when you got pregnant?

Yes, I saw what you said about her ending it. Before that, it was a batshit decision to have another baby in a fizzling relationship when the eldest couldn't have been more than 4 months, and I agree with the various PPs that you have a DP problem. I'd be very much on my guard that he isn't trying to line you up to do all his parenting for him now you're on mat leave.

Or actually, do you mean the fizzling was after the youngest? In which case, they still had a max 4 month age gap (how much exactly?) and I'd be suspicious that he was doing his part based on what you've said about him so far.

But isn’t it common sense that if you choose to have a baby where there’s going to be 2 toddler siblings then it’s going to be pretty chaotic? I had a newborn with 2 toddlers and it was very full-on and harder than I imagined, but it was on me to suck it up because I made the decision to have a baby in that situation.

When we had our first as part of a blended family my older ones went to stay with family and had a fab time, when we had the next our toddler did temporary full time hours at nursery (and was very happy to do so) and friends offered to help at weekends. Our DSC were on holiday with their mum at the time. The children have a great bond and didn’t appear to feel pushed out as they were having fun when we needed to focus on baby and then when baby 3-4 weeks old we made the extra effort to do some special days out with them

I wouldn't have wanted 50/50 at all but if my ex and partner were saying they did 50/50 when they didn't I would be absolutely correcting them.

In this case he does around 20% but is saying he's doing 50% and is apparently willing to take them full time.

Yet the ex is being made out to be taking the piss for expecting him to stick to the 20% or if she asks for him to parent when she's not coping then she's awful too?

I’m always sad when people imply sdc are visitors. It’s their home with their dad.

YABU. Massively so.
You sound very immature and I really hope it’s just the hormones. How old are you?
Judging on what you’ve said about the ages of your DSC, the length of time they were separated and that you weren’t the OW, I’d also say you rushed in and had a baby with this man way too quickly! Especially since he already has 2 young children.

They’re your child’s siblings. Get used to it.

Definitely