Page 23 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

atthecoreofallyoudo · 14/12/2023 21:05

BTW, the ex sounds awful. But, again, if you get involved with a man who has young children, you also have to accept that his ex is also going to be part of your relationship, for better or for worse. There's no point now saying that "she can't discipline her children". She's not changed since you met your partner. You entered the lion's den and now you've decided you don't like it. Tough.

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 14/12/2023 21:07

There are stepmums that enjoy their DSC. I do and now they are adults I've got a great relationship with them.

I hope OP can get to feel the same. Its early days.

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 21:07

atthecoreofallyoudo · 14/12/2023 21:00

She had a difficult delivery and every week-end of her new partnership she has had two difficult toddlers to deal with who are difficult to control

That was her choice.

I'm not a jilted wife or a stepmother, btw. I had more sense than to get involved with a man who already had children, and have steered very clear of men with children under 18 since my divorce. I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole (and wouldn't have introduced a man to my children when they were younger, either).

Good for you 🙄.

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2023 21:07

atthecoreofallyoudo · 14/12/2023 21:00

She had a difficult delivery and every week-end of her new partnership she has had two difficult toddlers to deal with who are difficult to control

That was her choice.

I'm not a jilted wife or a stepmother, btw. I had more sense than to get involved with a man who already had children, and have steered very clear of men with children under 18 since my divorce. I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole (and wouldn't have introduced a man to my children when they were younger, either).

Having three under five is crazy. Thats why most women actively choose not to do it. Mix it up with it being a couple of step kids and wow, you really have set yourself up for a hard time.

PrimalOwl10 · 14/12/2023 21:08

At only 3 and 4 years they must have been 2 and 3 when you got pregnant. That's very young to have two children with an ex then start a relationship and have another baby. I think what you've got to remember his children are very young still and you can't hold them to adult standards. Personally the children should have been the first to meet their sibling and been involved. I suspect the ex is worried about her existing children being excluded. I think it was unfair to want time seperate for them they come as a package and children can be extremely sensitive to a new dp and new baby.

Ohnoooooooo · 14/12/2023 21:08

"....before becoming a bigger family." You need to get your head around you are not about to become a bigger family - you are already a bigger family.

Animatic · 14/12/2023 21:09

The math is not "mathing" though. Were they separated around the time the younger stepchild was born?

You are not being unreasonable though, if I were the Ex I would have not sent sick children over new baby of not.

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 21:11

I feel sorry for those kids.

If I'm understanding the OP's timeline correctly, she must have got pregnant when the little one had only just turned three. If there really was a two year gap between her partner splitting with his ex and the OP getting together with him, that means he and his ex must have split up when his children were babies or possibly even when she was still pregnant with the little one, AND the OP must have got pregnant pretty early on in their relationship.

Now they're still only 3 or 4 and BOTH their parents have had or are having a baby with a new partner and they are being shunted back and forth between two households, both of which seem to resent their presence.

My son felt pretty unsettled and had a few minor behavioural issues when his sister came along, and that was with his parents still together, at home all the time and making a huge effort to make him feel loved and secure.

It is not even remotely surprising that these two very little children are struggling to adapt to all these big changes in their young lives and that their behaviour is less than perfect as a consequence.

Not sure what advice to offer the OP though. It's a bit late for "don't have a baby with a man who already has two very young children".

Panaa · 14/12/2023 21:12

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:48

I didn't say it was special. My DS has his two (14 and 11 now) from Fri to Sun every other week-end. DSGS has his (11 and 9) ditto and they also spend most week ends with their grandparents (grandfather is my DSS!). But small or not I daresay they arrive Saturday morning (or are picked up by DP) and stay till around 4 on Sunday, which means the whole week-end is all about them and DP and OP get no week-ends on their own at all. I belong to a generation that thinks children fit in, you don't run round in circles accommodating them, so doubtless I am out of tune, but it does no-one any good to grow up believing they are the centre of attention and everyone thinks of them first, when the world is not like that.

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You sound like one of those mothers who think their sons are just absolutely amazing fathers because they see their kids EOW and that they're really stepping up to the plate and the mother should be so grateful that he 'helps' so much.

Oh God forbid that a father doesn't ever get a weekend on his own. There are millions of mothers out there who never get weekends on their own, and millions of parents who are still together who never get weekends on their own and millions of stepparents who don't either but they expected that because it comes with the territory.

PepperIsHere · 14/12/2023 21:13

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 19:56

@Panaa because with us it is not listening and the odd temper tantrum (which for their age is to be expected). their behaviour for their mother is beyond worse—and the conversations are started by HER. they are far better behaved for us then they are for mum.

She did not, stop making things up. And how could you possibly know how they behave when you are not there? Honestly OP, you are not coming across well.

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 21:13

Animatic · 14/12/2023 21:09

The math is not "mathing" though. Were they separated around the time the younger stepchild was born?

You are not being unreasonable though, if I were the Ex I would have not sent sick children over new baby of not.

But don’t you know , if you are a step parent you must have the step children round at all costs ? OP chose this after all 🙄 and she must choose the step children over herself and her child at all times . Let’s forget the babies welfare in all this , let’s forget the OP feelings, she’s a step parent who is not allowed feelings.

Anyonyond · 14/12/2023 21:14

Hi OP be mindful not to exhaust yourself on here, explaining the same thing over and over and taking in the negativity of people who can't be bothered to read the thread and are judging. It can be very draining and frustrating and it's the very last thing you need right now.
Let your DP deal with his little ones entirely at this time. It's probable they're very over exited anyway; a new baby, Christmas...
You, just glide in for a nice time and retire with your DD as soon as things are getting a little too much, leave your DP to handle it.
It's not the time to insist on the best behaviour from them, nor endless patience from you, it's not a test. Enjoy spending time together until it's not enjoyable anymore and then you need to look after yourself and your baby in another room of the house.

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2023 21:14

Animatic · 14/12/2023 21:09

The math is not "mathing" though. Were they separated around the time the younger stepchild was born?

You are not being unreasonable though, if I were the Ex I would have not sent sick children over new baby of not.

The younger one is 3, nearly 4.

The OP's partner had been separated for 2 years before the OP got together with her DP.

The OP was pregnant for nine months.

Therefore the OP's DP must have separated from the ex before the youngest first birthday if not a lot closer to when the baby was born.

Theres a whole bunch of red flags there.

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 21:16

Anyonyond · 14/12/2023 21:14

Hi OP be mindful not to exhaust yourself on here, explaining the same thing over and over and taking in the negativity of people who can't be bothered to read the thread and are judging. It can be very draining and frustrating and it's the very last thing you need right now.
Let your DP deal with his little ones entirely at this time. It's probable they're very over exited anyway; a new baby, Christmas...
You, just glide in for a nice time and retire with your DD as soon as things are getting a little too much, leave your DP to handle it.
It's not the time to insist on the best behaviour from them, nor endless patience from you, it's not a test. Enjoy spending time together until it's not enjoyable anymore and then you need to look after yourself and your baby in another room of the house.

This . Op you won’t get much apart from judgement here. As many of the posters are perfect . I’m sorry 😞.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 14/12/2023 21:16

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 21:13

But don’t you know , if you are a step parent you must have the step children round at all costs ? OP chose this after all 🙄 and she must choose the step children over herself and her child at all times . Let’s forget the babies welfare in all this , let’s forget the OP feelings, she’s a step parent who is not allowed feelings.

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What do you mean 'at all costs'? It's their home with their dad? What if something happened to their mum? They shouldn't live with their dad.as it wouldn't be the perfect life for the step mum?!

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 21:17

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2023 21:14

The younger one is 3, nearly 4.

The OP's partner had been separated for 2 years before the OP got together with her DP.

The OP was pregnant for nine months.

Therefore the OP's DP must have separated from the ex before the youngest first birthday if not a lot closer to when the baby was born.

Theres a whole bunch of red flags there.

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Either they separated around the time of the youngest's first birthday AND the OP pretty much got pregnant on their first date, or it was before that even.

Red flag central, I agree.

SENparenting · 14/12/2023 21:19

These little ones are his babies too. If they were your children, you would have them all together from day one, all the time. I recognise that it’s a loss to you that you can’t just huddle with the newborn alone as you would ordinarily with a first born. But it’s a cost you needed to have considered before having the baby. It’s not really negotiable now. They exist and they are part of your family forever because they are your baby’s siblings.

TheHateIsNotGood · 14/12/2023 21:19

Just be aware that how you feel now about the birth of your baby is probably the same as the ex did. It must be quite hard for her; I speak as someone in your shoes, not the ex's. and it was difficult for both of us, torn between being reasonable and doing the best for all the children as well as instinctively putting our own dc first.

The spanner in the works of course was the DF of all the dc, long gone out of all of our lives, but somehow the ex and me and our paternally related dc have kept our relationship together.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 21:19

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 21:02

@JenJenJenJenJenJen for one night whilst he, his new partner and the baby adjust? i wouldn’t mind at all because if it was the same situation he would still be having her at arranged times during the week—i didn’t think one night was asking a lot.

But it wasn't only one night you wanted just the 3 of you?

If I've got this right from your op

Sat 2nd - no dsc
Sun 3rd - no dsc
Mon 4th - no dsc (but saw them at tea)
Tue 5th - no dsc
Wed 6th - no dsc
Thur 7th - dsc
Fri 8th - dsc
Sat 9th - dsc
Sun 10th - no dsc
Mon 11th - no dsc
Tue 12th -no dsc
Wed 13th - dsc

So, in 12 nights, they stayed with you 4nights. So, since you have been very keen to insist it's 50/50 usually, they've actually stayed with you less than normal. In your own words.

So when you say, you just want to have one night as a family of 3, what you actually mean is - as well as our normal 6 nights out of 7 that we don't have dsc, we also want the 1 night out of 7 that we do usually have them, dsc free too.

Is that what you're actually meaning?

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 21:20

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 14/12/2023 21:16

What do you mean 'at all costs'? It's their home with their dad? What if something happened to their mum? They shouldn't live with their dad.as it wouldn't be the perfect life for the step mum?!

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Their mum seems fine , is she ill or did I miss that ? I mean , it’s ridiculous that the OP can not get a break . Things change all the time , co-parents change dates for other things such as holidays etc. Why is the assumption that DSC will be eternally damaged if they miss a day here and there . Always found that ridiculous personally . Step parents have to been constant martyrs for their step children because they chose it . Well maybe they didn’t know how shit it would be . Hindsight is wonderful hey ?

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 21:20

And for some reason towards the end of their relationship which had "fizzled out", they decided to have another baby. While their first child was still a baby.

I wonder how much having a young baby contributed to the "fizzling out".

Good luck there, OP. Be careful not to become too boring for him now that you're distracted with your own young baby.

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 21:23

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 21:19

But it wasn't only one night you wanted just the 3 of you?

If I've got this right from your op

Sat 2nd - no dsc
Sun 3rd - no dsc
Mon 4th - no dsc (but saw them at tea)
Tue 5th - no dsc
Wed 6th - no dsc
Thur 7th - dsc
Fri 8th - dsc
Sat 9th - dsc
Sun 10th - no dsc
Mon 11th - no dsc
Tue 12th -no dsc
Wed 13th - dsc

So, in 12 nights, they stayed with you 4nights. So, since you have been very keen to insist it's 50/50 usually, they've actually stayed with you less than normal. In your own words.

So when you say, you just want to have one night as a family of 3, what you actually mean is - as well as our normal 6 nights out of 7 that we don't have dsc, we also want the 1 night out of 7 that we do usually have them, dsc free too.

Is that what you're actually meaning?

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Oh dear, she wanted all those days off ? Report her to the police! For being the worst step parent ever !!! The poor kids 😞

3orstickto2 · 14/12/2023 21:23

Ok, spin it this way, your baby daddy goes onto have kids with someone else after you... his new partner tells him he cannot see your children for a period of time... how would you feel then! How about your partners ex wife needs a break from doing the majority of the parenting!

TrashedSofa · 14/12/2023 21:25

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 21:20

And for some reason towards the end of their relationship which had "fizzled out", they decided to have another baby. While their first child was still a baby.

I wonder how much having a young baby contributed to the "fizzling out".

Good luck there, OP. Be careful not to become too boring for him now that you're distracted with your own young baby.

Yes, not much has been made of this but if the youngest is 4 next month and the other one is also 4, the maximum age gap is 13 months. So they conceived another baby whilst the youngest was max 4 months, maybe younger, in a fizzling out relationship. I mean, what?!

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2023 21:26

3orstickto2 · 14/12/2023 21:23

Ok, spin it this way, your baby daddy goes onto have kids with someone else after you... his new partner tells him he cannot see your children for a period of time... how would you feel then! How about your partners ex wife needs a break from doing the majority of the parenting!

Pregnant ex wife.