DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Sorry but you have a baby and suddenly the two other kids are a nuisance and get in the way of you and your partner bonding with the new one? Did you really say that?

Way to say to the other kids that they are now surplus to requirement and can now be dumped or mugged off now theres a replacement.

Of course they dont bloody behave well with that rejection going on.

Yes having a baby is tiring. It doesn't mean your partner can shirk his responsibilities because they are now a bit more inconvienent and he's feeling tired and thats just how your life with him is going to be.

You know having a baby with a man you'd only just met (I can do the maths: if he had been separated for two years from his ex, you've been pregnant for nine months and the youngest is still just three) and pretty much walked out on his ex as soon as she had the second - isn't the smartest move in the world and I would say its already fairly clear that he's not liking the responsibility of a new baby in addition to the older two. I'm not surprised the ex is kicking up a fuss - she's already been left to pick up the pieces once before.

Just wow.

Yeah I'm sure it's really difficult and at times soul destroying trying to raise 2 toddlers pretty much single-handedly while their dad impregnates his brand new girlfriend and starts over again. She has them 6 nights a week. They are very, very young and have been through a lot. It's really no surprise that their behaviour reflects this. Or that they behave worse for their mum - with whom they feel safest and most secure, since their father is not even close to being their primary carer. And instead of thanks from her ex for raising his kids for him, she gets lectures on how to parent (!) and idle threats about taking the kids off her. As if he'd go for full custody 🙄

If your partner had the kids full time would you just ship them off and tell them not to be around you for a few weeks so you can be a family with the new baby. So why is it ok to want to do that just because the children don’t live with you. I understand from the point of view of the ex being toxic and the fact that the children are unwell, but when you’re with someone with kids - that’s things you are aware of to accept and take on. Please don’t be that stepparent that has kids and ruins the relationship with your stepchildren because you have your own ‘family’ now.

I completely agree with this! You need to focus on creating a stable upbringing for all 3 children. This is my main focus for my DD and I only wish I could do this for DSS too.

Just for clarity, are you using regular maths for those calculations or mathematical logic? 😉

I didn't say it was special. My DS has his two (14 and 11 now) from Fri to Sun every other week-end. DSGS has his (11 and 9) ditto and they also spend most week ends with their grandparents (grandfather is my DSS!). But small or not I daresay they arrive Saturday morning (or are picked up by DP) and stay till around 4 on Sunday, which means the whole week-end is all about them and DP and OP get no week-ends on their own at all. I belong to a generation that thinks children fit in, you don't run round in circles accommodating them, so doubtless I am out of tune, but it does no-one any good to grow up believing they are the centre of attention and everyone thinks of them first, when the world is not like that.

'Toxic ex' aka woman left with a new baby and one year old only for her ex partner to upduff another woman within 2 and a half years and expect her to facilitate him playing happy families with the new baby without the older two.

Yep. Definitely 'toxic'.

He's quite a smart guy really. He found a woman he could convince to take over the drudge of parenting for him and blame his ex for what is his laziness around addressing any issues with the children.

Is it only me who' read that the ex has a new partner and she's pregnant? They also split amicably.

I feel for both you and his ex.

His other children are still very young and so, quite understandably, the fact he's started a whole new family must hurt.

This is a brand new experience for you, and one that takes adjusting to in itself, never mind then juggling the 2 young step children.

Your partner needs to reassure and remind his ex how much their children mean to him and how they arent any less important to him, and help take the weight off you when they are there.

Everyone will get used to the new set up soon enough.

I always found baby carriers good when the siblings were around. You could almost forget they were in there. I know newborns feed alot, but they also usually sleep alot in between too.

Get all the rest you can, it will become alot of fun soon enough and you will look forward to seeing the bond they begin to create together and the joy that will bring to you and your DP 🙂

There's a lot of them. He could have learned it anywhere.

Is he the smart one or are the women just gullible and don't have a brain to use?

I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences with his ex, but this is not about to get better. If she is as difficult as you imply, she will go into overdrive now to ensure her children feel included in your family. Her methods may be questionable and good boundaries will be required, but she will see herself as doing this for her children.

It will also be useful to be of the mind that parenting is a full-time job, so your partner will always be on call. Even if it’s out of spite, he always needs to be there for them, and there’s always the possibility they could end up with him full-time.

I hope you’ve managed to enjoy some time with your baby.

Even more reason for the OP not to expect the ex to facilitate days the OP's partner should have them.

Its also not terribly smart of the ex to be upduffed again so quickly. But this thread is about the expectations of the OP - which yes she should have thought twice about.

I don't get that message. Also, why bash the poor OP? She had a difficult delivery and every week-end of her new partnership she has had two difficult toddlers to deal with who are difficult to control. Yes, second partnerships are difficult and step-children are difficult (and will break up a new partnership if they can, and do not think 4 year olds are incapable of that, they are). She's trying but she's got a new baby and she is having to deal with two other children who do not live with her permanently, have different routines and are upset about a new baby and no-one else seems to give a toss about her, including DP. He needs to put a bit more into his relationship with the OP and sort out the child custody arrangements, which are chaotic. Ex obv. needs help, too. And for those who keep saying the children must come first, no they must not, because otherwise they will all end in care because none of the adults can cope anymore because the children are more important. Your relationship with your spouse is more important, because that is what gives the DCs stability, a home, love and security.

OP I’m really sorry you posted here today. 12 day old baby and struggling to manage becoming a larger family - of course you feel emotional, and like every first time new mum you just want sone calm time to enjoy your new baby - and you needed a bit of affirmation that’s completely normal. Not lots of people complaining about your attitude to DSC. Yes your feelings are entirely reasonable and normal - emotions are no way regulated by what you ‘should or should not’ do/feel especially after just giving birth. Yes it’s totally okay to just wish for some quiet time with your new baby. Yes the DSC are now part of your family- but equally valid DD is your first baby and you too have a right to value treasure and want that time with her. Blended families are super tough, no it’s not possible to love and always long to be all together all the time - only to do your best to take care of whole family and do what’s right for all. It’s not easy though so don’t be hard on yourself or allow other peoples judgement to make you feel bad. Clearly you care about DSC too and are creating a home for all.

i hope you get that balance between big family time and small family time too. You also deserve bonding time in the small family unit - as your DSc have in their mums new family too. Take care and wishing you and the family well

Mathematical logic would solve it.

What about on the weekends he has them Fri-Sat? That's not "the whole week-end". I think I see what this is about. Your son is an even worse part-time father too so you're taking it personally when people are calling out other shit part-time fathers. It doesn't matter how much you try to twist it, every other weekend/one night a week is disgraceful and barely even "parenting".

No. More chaos for those poor kids.

Can only imagine what they're going to grow up like.

OP - are you married? You shouldn't be thinking about taking his kids to school and limiting your own career options when it only benefits him in the long run. Be careful about picking up the parenting slack on all sides - in the long run it will be you and your child who sufferes

Yes. I get that. I've been quite neutral on this thread. I'm a stepmum who had a child with DH but I have always made sure the DSC were included.

I do think some posters have been a bit harsh.

The slightly odd thing about this 'debate' is that both sides are actually saying the same thing.

Your partner is the problem.

Not the op. (Although you were probably blinded by love bombing at the beginning and didn't make a good judgement on partner, but we've all been there).

And not the ex. (Who is doing practically all of the parenting and is, clearly, exhausted).

She had a difficult delivery and every week-end of her new partnership she has had two difficult toddlers to deal with who are difficult to control

That was her choice.

I'm not a jilted wife or a stepmother, btw. I had more sense than to get involved with a man who already had children, and have steered very clear of men with children under 18 since my divorce. I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole (and wouldn't have introduced a man to my children when they were younger, either).

Sadly there are still a lot of women daft enough to fall for it. They usually remain unmarried. It makes it easier for him to fuck off again when things get tough and on to a new one.

@JenJenJenJenJenJen for one night whilst he, his new partner and the baby adjust? i wouldn’t mind at all because if it was the same situation he would still be having her at arranged times during the week—i didn’t think one night was asking a lot.

Nope I am viewing it objectively and coming to a different conclusion than you.

I could say the exact same about how MN often takes a strange turn when discussing the ex.

So you don't need to hold yourself up as one of the only people looking at it objectively because you're not.