Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
boomtickhouse · 14/12/2023 20:33

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 14/12/2023 16:23

You haven't got a step kids problem, you've got a partner problem. You should be holed up in your bedroom with the baby, not entertaining the toddlers.

This. The father of these 3 kids should be running himself RAGGED right now, doing nothing but caring for everyone. No phone scrolling, friends, football, hobbies, gaming, literally nothing else but caring for his toddlers, baby and wife.

He chose to have 3 babies in less than 5 years to 2 different women. That's a complicated situation and should have changed his whole life.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:34

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2023 20:31

It's fine to snap at a child who hits a tiny baby in the face 3 times through not listening.

Show quote history

No it is not. You remove the issue. So distract the older child.

where was the father? Why three times and he still not appeared?

nutelia · 14/12/2023 20:34

@Grammarnut I’m really confused at your outlook… how exactly is the ex-wife freeloading when she is still caring for their children the majority of the time? Do you believe that fathers should automatically do much, much less purely because they are men? Just seems a really bizarre, sexist and nonsensical way to look at things.

Livelovebehappy · 14/12/2023 20:34

TommyNever · 14/12/2023 20:24

Weird responses on this one. It's pretty clear that the OP is not being at all unreasonable, but is a victim of her partner's ex, who is at the very least being thoughtless and probably vindictive.

Doesn't seem to be much she can do about it though except protect her bub as much as possible from the flu-ridden stepkids.

But tbh, the dscs are OPs family too now she’s married their father, and it would have been no different had the children been her own; you dont get time off for bonding with baby I’m afraid. What happens if op has another one? Will she expect to farm her eldest child off somewhere whilst she has bonding time with the new baby?

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:34

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:32

Why is it bizarre? You said I could not have studied maths, but I have, mathematical logic, but I taught history and English, so I explained that. And the rest is what I said before. And the OP wants advice but most are saying she should put up with it and tell her DP to look after his own children, which is a recipe for misery and disaster.

Show quote history

It's concerning that you say you taught English and don't know the correct use of deprecate, to be honest.

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:35

@Londonrach1 i think phrasing it as snapping may have been wrong. i had asked her 3 times to stop waving her arms around if she’s sitting next to me whilst the baby is in my arms. then came the 3rd smack to the head, to which i said “i have already asked you three times to stop, that is the third time today you have hit her”. i cried because i felt awful for even talking to her like that and apologised instantly. i feel a lot of what i’ve said has been twisted here—i love my sc to the ends of the earth, i just would have liked for their mother to have stuck to the agreement that was in place so that i could adjust😅

OP posts:
rorret · 14/12/2023 20:35

Livelovebehappy · 14/12/2023 20:34

But tbh, the dscs are OPs family too now she’s married their father, and it would have been no different had the children been her own; you dont get time off for bonding with baby I’m afraid. What happens if op has another one? Will she expect to farm her eldest child off somewhere whilst she has bonding time with the new baby?

Show quote history

Are they married? She says DP, not DH?

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2023 20:36

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:34

No it is not. You remove the issue. So distract the older child.

where was the father? Why three times and he still not appeared?

Show quote history

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think it's fine to tell children off when they are hurting another child.

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:37

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 20:31

Freeloading? She has the children 6 nights a week. She is and will be doing all the school runs. The DP can say no to her is he wants. I don't know why he doesn't. Maybe he actually wants the extra time with his kids seeing as he sees them so little normally.

Show quote history

He sees them every week-end and two evenings, which is a lot. Most fathers get alternate week-ends (as do my DS and my DSS). The ex needs support but not from the mother of a two week old first baby.

Forgotmylogindetails · 14/12/2023 20:37

It’s gone from you don’t want them there because you want you time with your “little family “ to a full 180 now their mums asking you for advice and you want them full time ?

I only went and made dinner.

TrashedSofa · 14/12/2023 20:37

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:21

Sweetheart, it's not for you to do drop offs for his older children - that's his job.

Seems to me he's full of big talk of having full custody, but in actual fact he means find another woman to do his parenting.

Show quote history

Yes, this one sounds like a real prince.

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2023 20:37

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:35

@Londonrach1 i think phrasing it as snapping may have been wrong. i had asked her 3 times to stop waving her arms around if she’s sitting next to me whilst the baby is in my arms. then came the 3rd smack to the head, to which i said “i have already asked you three times to stop, that is the third time today you have hit her”. i cried because i felt awful for even talking to her like that and apologised instantly. i feel a lot of what i’ve said has been twisted here—i love my sc to the ends of the earth, i just would have liked for their mother to have stuck to the agreement that was in place so that i could adjust😅

You were absolutely fine to say that. You didn't have to apologise for it. Your DSD should have apologised to you/baby!

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:37

Namerequired · 14/12/2023 20:32

So we both agree the dp was at fault, just for different reasons 😌
Children’s routines are often thrown out when there is a new sibling. Plenty of people get grandparents to have the children when a new baby comes along. No one accuses those parents of not loving their child.
These children already live mostly with their mother, I don’t think they were going to be scarred missing one night with their father. And anyway it was their mother who changed the routine when she left them for 4 days!
This is a lady who has just had a new baby, her first baby. She and the baby should have been prioritised here. Not to the detriment of the other children of course, but imo that would not have been the case if the pre organised plans had been followed.
This is just another thread where a step parent is held to a much higher expectation than a bio parent, then criticised when she not surprisingly struggles. But she’s not allowed to complain because she’s a wicked stepmother to those poor little unloved children

Show quote history

Im not holding the op to higher standards. Ive been consistent with saying the problem is this man who likes to get women pregnant fast. A four year old and an almost four year old? Then leaving two toddlers. A baby with a woman he has barely dated. The new girlfriend doing any parenting at all, but especially when just having a baby. wants 50/59 but cannot possibly do any drop offs.

he is the problem all day long.

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 14/12/2023 20:37

@Namerequired that's a good point about the Mother changing their routine. It does make you wonder why she did this straight after the birth.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 20:38

Right op. So, now you'd love to have the children full time, but you can't because ex won't allow it. That's moved on somewhat in a few hours from detailing that the mother 'palms her children off on you when she asks you to have them more than for tea x2' 'dumps her children on us' 'we can't do school runs' 'we can't discipline them' 'they hurt my baby'

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/12/2023 20:38

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2023 20:36

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think it's fine to tell children off when they are hurting another child.

Show quote history

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB

of course it’s fine to tell off a child who is hurting another child! It would be bad parenting not to!!

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:39

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2023 20:36

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think it's fine to tell children off when they are hurting another child.

Show quote history

The point was it was entirely preventable.

nutelia · 14/12/2023 20:39

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:37

He sees them every week-end and two evenings, which is a lot. Most fathers get alternate week-ends (as do my DS and my DSS). The ex needs support but not from the mother of a two week old first baby.

Show quote history

Is Dad freeloading then because the ex-wife is looking after HIS kids most of the week??

Desecratedcoconut · 14/12/2023 20:39

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:37

He sees them every week-end and two evenings, which is a lot. Most fathers get alternate week-ends (as do my DS and my DSS). The ex needs support but not from the mother of a two week old first baby.

Show quote history

So it's 'a lot' only set against piss poor efforts of even more absent fathers?

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:39

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:37

He sees them every week-end and two evenings, which is a lot. Most fathers get alternate week-ends (as do my DS and my DSS). The ex needs support but not from the mother of a two week old first baby.

Show quote history

Every weekend for one night, not two alternate weekends - which is standard, Friday night to Sunday alternate weekends.

Two evenings a week, the standard is one - so they have one more evening and one less overnight.

An evening is much less than an overnight, not just in terms of hours but also in terms of making their father's house a home to the children.

The starting point now tends to be 50/50 anyway - either week about or 4/3 3/4 on a two week rotation. How does this prince amongst men intend to manage that?

TommyNever · 14/12/2023 20:40

Panaa · 14/12/2023 20:31

It really really isn't clear at all.

Now the latest drip feed is that the ex can't cope with the kids at all which is why she's always asking the DP to mind them, if that's the case then the woman needs support, and her needing a break from them is nothing to do with being thoughtless or vindictive, it's to do with her being unable to cope.

Show quote history

It really really is clear, to me, and I would suggest to most people viewing this objectively.

But I'm aware that Mumsnet often takes a strange turn when discussing stepchildren.

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 20:41

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:37

He sees them every week-end and two evenings, which is a lot. Most fathers get alternate week-ends (as do my DS and my DSS). The ex needs support but not from the mother of a two week old first baby.

Show quote history

One night at the weekend is the equivalent of every other weekend and a few hours midweek. Don't forget that these are very little children, they'll be home again before it's dark. This is what most part-time fathers do. He isn't doing anything special.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 20:43

It isn't a lot @Grammarnut, because it isn't half. This isn't the fifties any more. Having a penis doesn't/shouldn't mean you don't have to do 50 % of the actual parenting. Yours is an incredibly sexist, dated opinion which most people, thankfully, just don't hold any more.

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 14/12/2023 20:44

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:39

Every weekend for one night, not two alternate weekends - which is standard, Friday night to Sunday alternate weekends.

Two evenings a week, the standard is one - so they have one more evening and one less overnight.

An evening is much less than an overnight, not just in terms of hours but also in terms of making their father's house a home to the children.

The starting point now tends to be 50/50 anyway - either week about or 4/3 3/4 on a two week rotation. How does this prince amongst men intend to manage that?

Show quote history

How does this prince amongst men intend to manage that?

OP said he can’t. But he’d be happy with full custody, because then they could move schools so the OP could do it all instead….

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 14/12/2023 20:44

Have a look at your baby, OP, and imagine a few short years from now where your boyfriend has moved on to another woman and is very quickly having another child.

Will you be happy for him to not see your daughter?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.