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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 14/12/2023 20:23

It sounds like all of the adults needs to grow up and put the children first. They must have had their lives uprooted and then their father has a new baby while they are tiny and the mother gets pregnant too. The existing children must be quite confused and unsettled.

Basically you’re not going to get the lovely newborn bonding that you get with a first baby as other small children are in the mix. I certainly found that my second was just left to crack on a lot of the time/just chill in the sling because my eldest needed me in different ways. Your first born will effectively be like a third child and normally in those circumstances they do sort of just have to slot in. That will be tough for you as your first born experience just won’t be the same as many other mums.

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:24

@SnowSwan even if it was agreed months ago that she would have them and then decided mere hours after i had given birth that she would no longer do it? but expects us to have them for a full week when she has her baby in may?

OP posts:
Widower2014 · 14/12/2023 20:24

What responsibility does DP have to his ex

Panaa · 14/12/2023 20:24

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:12

@NonPlayerCharacter i have always been willing to have them full time. i asked for ONE NIGHT off, was arranged a week, and ended up having them four days. or are people overlooking that entire part of my post?

It's one thing you're saying you're willing to have them full time, but then you're complaining she's constantly trying to pawn them off.

If the woman isn't coping with them then she needs support from your DP.

Even social services (well in my country anyway) they don't say look we'll take the kids off you full time, they try their best to give the woman a break with respite foster care etc because the aim is to support her through that time so that she can eventually hopefully cope better.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:24

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:17

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB not true in the slightest, we wanted one night off. they were still coming over for visits.

Who was bringing them over?

TommyNever · 14/12/2023 20:24

Weird responses on this one. It's pretty clear that the OP is not being at all unreasonable, but is a victim of her partner's ex, who is at the very least being thoughtless and probably vindictive.

Doesn't seem to be much she can do about it though except protect her bub as much as possible from the flu-ridden stepkids.

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:25

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 20:21

If he wanted "one night off" why didn't he ask someone to have them for that night? Could the precious uncle who got to learn about the baby before the little ones not have minded them for one night? Are there no grandparents to ask? Childcare issues on his time are his responsibility to sort.

And another parent basher. If ex wanted to go out and DP needed to have time with his new DP and new DC then it is for the ex to accommodate this as well. A mutual effort. But she will not take advice nor co-operate. And that's the problem. And if the DCs stay overnight mid-week they have to be taken to school (I thought they were 3 and 4?) so someone has to do it. Seems to me, as a woman, that the ex is free-loading, but perhaps she just cannot cope on her own, which is sad.

Alohapotato · 14/12/2023 20:25

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:15

@Itsaselectionbox he can’t have them more because he cannot get them to school in the mornings due to work, and neither can i. if we were to have them full time they would move schools, meaning i would be able to do drop offs.

wow, you don't care about these children. Would you like them to have trauma because they are not with their mum anymore and then trauma for changing schools too? What about giving them some stability?

Forgotmylogindetails · 14/12/2023 20:26

@OnlytheonceZ thats fair enough then . Your lucky you have people to have your children that long ! My sister had her own children there on her return home then asked not to have her step children. She’s horrible

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:27

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB he was picking them up and dropping them off

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 14/12/2023 20:28

The poor step children. Yabu but can understand as you just given birth. Snapping at the step children is wrong and their behavior is very normal.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 20:28

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:00

@rorret because she asked for my advice since they behave better for me than they do for her. you are all so quick to jump it’s actually laughable.

Have you never heard the phrase 'street angel, house devil'.
Many kids who won't behave for their mother behave really well in other peoples homes.
It doesn't mean that it's something you're doing and something she's not doing. She could do all of the same things you do and they might not work for her at all.

nutelia · 14/12/2023 20:28

@Grammarnut why should the ex have to cope on her own when the kids have two living breathing parents who are responsible for them

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:28

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:20

History and English. Ex taught maths. You do not seem to see paying maintenance as part of the deal. But it is. If you have fifty-fifty custody then you are at liberty to spend the money on the DCs yourself when they are in your care. Most fathers cannot actually have the children 50-50 because they work full time (I know most mothers do too, and I deprecate that, but it's another story) so they pay maintenance for the DCs and have what time they can manage. Every other week-end is normal, along with parts of holidays. What part of that needs maths? (And I read philosophy, which included mathematical logic.)
NB I did not say the week day overnight stays were normal, but that they sometimes happened.

Edited
Show quote history

This is such a bizarre response. Really.

Hmindr68 · 14/12/2023 20:28

YABU. Your DH has three children. Weird that you’re expecting two of them to stop existing because of the third.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 20:29

@Grammarnut
You've misunderstood the meaning of 50/50.
It's used ONLY to describe the time spent.
It isn't a breakdown of overall contribution including finances.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:29

nutelia · 14/12/2023 20:28

@Grammarnut why should the ex have to cope on her own when the kids have two living breathing parents who are responsible for them

Seemingly, because the op’s partner has a penis.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 20:31

TommyNever · 14/12/2023 20:24

Weird responses on this one. It's pretty clear that the OP is not being at all unreasonable, but is a victim of her partner's ex, who is at the very least being thoughtless and probably vindictive.

Doesn't seem to be much she can do about it though except protect her bub as much as possible from the flu-ridden stepkids.

It really really isn't clear at all.

Now the latest drip feed is that the ex can't cope with the kids at all which is why she's always asking the DP to mind them, if that's the case then the woman needs support, and her needing a break from them is nothing to do with being thoughtless or vindictive, it's to do with her being unable to cope.

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:31

@Panaa i’m aware, but she is not doing them. that is my point.

OP posts:
OnlytheonceZ · 14/12/2023 20:31

Forgotmylogindetails · 14/12/2023 20:26

@OnlytheonceZ thats fair enough then . Your lucky you have people to have your children that long ! My sister had her own children there on her return home then asked not to have her step children. She’s horrible

It was during covid so we were terrified taking home a baby who had been born at 24+2 I think that’s why everyone was so understanding it was an awful time

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2023 20:31

Londonrach1 · 14/12/2023 20:28

The poor step children. Yabu but can understand as you just given birth. Snapping at the step children is wrong and their behavior is very normal.

It's fine to snap at a child who hits a tiny baby in the face 3 times through not listening.

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 20:31

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:25

And another parent basher. If ex wanted to go out and DP needed to have time with his new DP and new DC then it is for the ex to accommodate this as well. A mutual effort. But she will not take advice nor co-operate. And that's the problem. And if the DCs stay overnight mid-week they have to be taken to school (I thought they were 3 and 4?) so someone has to do it. Seems to me, as a woman, that the ex is free-loading, but perhaps she just cannot cope on her own, which is sad.

Show quote history

Freeloading? She has the children 6 nights a week. She is and will be doing all the school runs. The DP can say no to her is he wants. I don't know why he doesn't. Maybe he actually wants the extra time with his kids seeing as he sees them so little normally.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:31

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:27

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB he was picking them up and dropping them off

Then I refer you to my first post on this thread.

you have a boyfriend problem.

how long were you together before you got pregnant? What was his living situation? What was yours? How much of the parenting are you doing generally?

is anyone else struggling with this thread loading?

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:32

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:28

This is such a bizarre response. Really.

Show quote history

Why is it bizarre? You said I could not have studied maths, but I have, mathematical logic, but I taught history and English, so I explained that. And the rest is what I said before. And the OP wants advice but most are saying she should put up with it and tell her DP to look after his own children, which is a recipe for misery and disaster.

Namerequired · 14/12/2023 20:32

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:06

@Namerequired

This is your 1st baby and you should have been given space. Your dp is the one at fault here though. He needed to put his foot down, he needed to refuse to have them. He needed to put you and the baby 1st in this instance, and he let you down

What absolute garbage. The dp is at fault. He needed to do the parenting of his children. He needed to keep their routine and ensure they still felt loved by their father. He need to put the children first.

So we both agree the dp was at fault, just for different reasons 😌
Children’s routines are often thrown out when there is a new sibling. Plenty of people get grandparents to have the children when a new baby comes along. No one accuses those parents of not loving their child.
These children already live mostly with their mother, I don’t think they were going to be scarred missing one night with their father. And anyway it was their mother who changed the routine when she left them for 4 days!
This is a lady who has just had a new baby, her first baby. She and the baby should have been prioritised here. Not to the detriment of the other children of course, but imo that would not have been the case if the pre organised plans had been followed.
This is just another thread where a step parent is held to a much higher expectation than a bio parent, then criticised when she not surprisingly struggles. But she’s not allowed to complain because she’s a wicked stepmother to those poor little unloved children

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