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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:11

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:06

@Namerequired

This is your 1st baby and you should have been given space. Your dp is the one at fault here though. He needed to put his foot down, he needed to refuse to have them. He needed to put you and the baby 1st in this instance, and he let you down

What absolute garbage. The dp is at fault. He needed to do the parenting of his children. He needed to keep their routine and ensure they still felt loved by their father. He need to put the children first.

He needs to put his post-partum DP first. Children have to fit in with families, not families fit in with children.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:11

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:04

If he has them overnight at the week-end (so that must be all Saturday and part of Sunday) every week-end and for dinner twice a week (and sometimes stay over) and he pays maintenance then that is 50-50. When I had custody of my DD 50-50, we shared her (luckily both teachers so had hols) equally (and my DS, but he was over 16) and I paid no more maintenance. Whilst my ex-DH was receiving maintenance I only saw the children at his convenience (i.e. not even every other week-end) so I took him to court because he a) lied during divorce proceedings and b) was preventing the DCs from seeing me and also leaving an underage girl in the charge of a 17 year old boy for the week-end which I saw as a huge safe-guarding issue. The ex in OP's case is being manipulative and difficult and off-loading DCs and then complaining she had no time for herself. Bit disengenuous, I think.

Show quote history

Nope. She said they have them twice for dinner and one over night at the weekend. The extra overnights are not normal. Youve repeated it yourself. One overnight is the standard. Maintanace is worked out on the overnights.

one overnight is the key here. It is barely anything.

what do you teach? It cannot be maths…

MissTrip82 · 14/12/2023 20:12

I understand why you were upset but you need to move on because the focus needs to be on stability now. Due to your partner’s poor choices all three of his children are at real risk of an unstable upbringing. Both of you must focus on providing a stable home for the three tiny children. The older two have experienced the trauma of their parent’s splitting very very early in their lives and then a new sibling with a new girlfriend very very quickly. The baby has been born into difficult circumstances after a short relationship.

Ask your partner not to tell you of any snarky comments from his ex wife. Both of you focus on creating a more stable future than the past has been. And I assume his work hours/pattern will need review if they are
preventing him from seeing his children more, especially now that he has added to those children.

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:12

@NonPlayerCharacter i have always been willing to have them full time. i asked for ONE NIGHT off, was arranged a week, and ended up having them four days. or are people overlooking that entire part of my post?

OP posts:
Pallisers · 14/12/2023 20:12

He needs to put his post-partum DP first. Children have to fit in with families, not families fit in with children.

Don't worry. I'd say it is fair to say that every adult in these children's lives lives by that dictum.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:14

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:11

He needs to put his post-partum DP first. Children have to fit in with families, not families fit in with children.

Show quote history

But the op doesnt want them in the house. How is that wanting them to fit in?

MrsElsa · 14/12/2023 20:14

OP remember this thread when your LO is 4 and "has problems listening" ...!!

You have come across very entitled and self centred unfortunately. If you wanted your OH's undivided attention you should have picked a man who didn't already have children. It's really weird tbh and I wonder how available your own father was to you, did that influence your choice.

Congrats on LO.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:14

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:12

@NonPlayerCharacter i have always been willing to have them full time. i asked for ONE NIGHT off, was arranged a week, and ended up having them four days. or are people overlooking that entire part of my post?

No. People are asking why your partner wasnt the one parenting.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/12/2023 20:15

MissTrip82 · 14/12/2023 20:12

I understand why you were upset but you need to move on because the focus needs to be on stability now. Due to your partner’s poor choices all three of his children are at real risk of an unstable upbringing. Both of you must focus on providing a stable home for the three tiny children. The older two have experienced the trauma of their parent’s splitting very very early in their lives and then a new sibling with a new girlfriend very very quickly. The baby has been born into difficult circumstances after a short relationship.

Ask your partner not to tell you of any snarky comments from his ex wife. Both of you focus on creating a more stable future than the past has been. And I assume his work hours/pattern will need review if they are
preventing him from seeing his children more, especially now that he has added to those children.

How if the mother is dumping her children on the op and father and any given opportunity?

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:15

How's your partner going to take full time custody, when he can't even have them one more night a week because of his work hours?

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:15

@Itsaselectionbox he can’t have them more because he cannot get them to school in the mornings due to work, and neither can i. if we were to have them full time they would move schools, meaning i would be able to do drop offs.

OP posts:
Goodlard · 14/12/2023 20:15

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:12

@NonPlayerCharacter i have always been willing to have them full time. i asked for ONE NIGHT off, was arranged a week, and ended up having them four days. or are people overlooking that entire part of my post?

You shouldn't have had them at all, however their father should......

Can he not cope?

Cas112 · 14/12/2023 20:16

You chose to have a child with a man with 2 children already, your not a only child family, your a family of five so you have to get used to the dynamic

BabyCM · 14/12/2023 20:16

YABU. I sympathise as I'm in a very similar family set up. My DSS is also 3 and sets me on edge when he's rough around my DD however that should be DP job to supervise and entertain with your support.
Yes you may have got pregnant very quickly. I did but ultimately DP had every right to move on if he was separated from his ex (for some children this is far better than a household where parents argue constantly).
I do however think YABU wanting to deviate from your current arrangement. DP is lucky that his ex wants him to see his children and they should always feel important in their father's life. I do think his ex was unfair however making things more difficult by making sure you had them more often and think you have every right to be annoyed about this. It does sound like you need to learn to accept DSD and DSS as part of your family.
DP should have taken responsibility for his children during this time so that you could take the time to heal and bond with DD.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:16

MissTrip82 · 14/12/2023 20:12

I understand why you were upset but you need to move on because the focus needs to be on stability now. Due to your partner’s poor choices all three of his children are at real risk of an unstable upbringing. Both of you must focus on providing a stable home for the three tiny children. The older two have experienced the trauma of their parent’s splitting very very early in their lives and then a new sibling with a new girlfriend very very quickly. The baby has been born into difficult circumstances after a short relationship.

Ask your partner not to tell you of any snarky comments from his ex wife. Both of you focus on creating a more stable future than the past has been. And I assume his work hours/pattern will need review if they are
preventing him from seeing his children more, especially now that he has added to those children.

This. All of this.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 20:16

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:12

@NonPlayerCharacter i have always been willing to have them full time. i asked for ONE NIGHT off, was arranged a week, and ended up having them four days. or are people overlooking that entire part of my post?

No more than you're overlooking the fact that they, like your baby, are his kids. No, a father can't refuse to have his own children because he's just got another one.

You're complaining about having them for four days while claiming you'd have them full time?

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:17

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB not true in the slightest, we wanted one night off. they were still coming over for visits.

OP posts:
TheKnittedCharacter · 14/12/2023 20:18

This is why I’d absolutely hate to be a step-mum.

I would want to focus on me and my baby, but you have to treat the step kids as if they’re your own, when they’re not. But treat them fairly, you must - their disjointed lives are not their fault.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 20:18

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:15

@Itsaselectionbox he can’t have them more because he cannot get them to school in the mornings due to work, and neither can i. if we were to have them full time they would move schools, meaning i would be able to do drop offs.

Why were school runs not a factor for him when he was job hunting?

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 20:19

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:12

@NonPlayerCharacter i have always been willing to have them full time. i asked for ONE NIGHT off, was arranged a week, and ended up having them four days. or are people overlooking that entire part of my post?

I'm not understanding this.

You had your baby on the Saturday. Your step dc came over on Monday to meet the baby and presumably went back to their mum after. Then you had them overnight Thursday - Saturday - which is actually only 2 nights?

You then had them Wednesday night (as in last night).

If I've understood that correctly, that's not 4 nights in 1 week, that's 3 and a bit nights in 2 weeks.

You say that your dp can't commit to having them more because of his working hours. How do you think your dp's ex copes with her working hours? But then you say you want them full time, but not at all with baby around?

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:20

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:11

Nope. She said they have them twice for dinner and one over night at the weekend. The extra overnights are not normal. Youve repeated it yourself. One overnight is the standard. Maintanace is worked out on the overnights.

one overnight is the key here. It is barely anything.

what do you teach? It cannot be maths…

Show quote history

History and English. Ex taught maths. You do not seem to see paying maintenance as part of the deal. But it is. If you have fifty-fifty custody then you are at liberty to spend the money on the DCs yourself when they are in your care. Most fathers cannot actually have the children 50-50 because they work full time (I know most mothers do too, and I deprecate that, but it's another story) so they pay maintenance for the DCs and have what time they can manage. Every other week-end is normal, along with parts of holidays. What part of that needs maths? (And I read philosophy, which included mathematical logic.)
NB I did not say the week day overnight stays were normal, but that they sometimes happened.

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:21

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:15

@Itsaselectionbox he can’t have them more because he cannot get them to school in the mornings due to work, and neither can i. if we were to have them full time they would move schools, meaning i would be able to do drop offs.

Sweetheart, it's not for you to do drop offs for his older children - that's his job.

Seems to me he's full of big talk of having full custody, but in actual fact he means find another woman to do his parenting.

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 20:21

If he wanted "one night off" why didn't he ask someone to have them for that night? Could the precious uncle who got to learn about the baby before the little ones not have minded them for one night? Are there no grandparents to ask? Childcare issues on his time are his responsibility to sort.

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:22

@Grammarnut do you mean appreciate?

Desecratedcoconut · 14/12/2023 20:23

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:20

History and English. Ex taught maths. You do not seem to see paying maintenance as part of the deal. But it is. If you have fifty-fifty custody then you are at liberty to spend the money on the DCs yourself when they are in your care. Most fathers cannot actually have the children 50-50 because they work full time (I know most mothers do too, and I deprecate that, but it's another story) so they pay maintenance for the DCs and have what time they can manage. Every other week-end is normal, along with parts of holidays. What part of that needs maths? (And I read philosophy, which included mathematical logic.)
NB I did not say the week day overnight stays were normal, but that they sometimes happened.

Edited
Show quote history

Why do you deprecate mothers working full time?

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