Page 18 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 19:58

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/12/2023 15:38

Congratulations on your new arrival!

I think the problem here is you’ve got pregnant very quickly into a new relationship I assume given the ages of your DPs kids, so haven’t been able to get to know them properly and form a bond. It must be very confusing for them to be honest.

Of course your DP can’t just shirk his parenting responsibilities because he has a new arrival. Why on earth isn’t he parenting them and supervising them around the baby? Surely that’s his job not yours.

Unfortunately I do think some of this is to be expected when you get pregnant by someone who has existing very young children.

All of this.

Floralsofa · 14/12/2023 19:59

If his ex got pregnant could she just hand the kids over to him for two weeks?

YABU

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 19:59

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 19:56

@Panaa because with us it is not listening and the odd temper tantrum (which for their age is to be expected). their behaviour for their mother is beyond worse—and the conversations are started by HER. they are far better behaved for us then they are for mum.

You will discover that is standard. They are seemingly guests in your home. Their mother is their safe space.

How long have you been in a relationship with their father?

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 14/12/2023 19:59

Floralsofa · 14/12/2023 19:59

If his ex got pregnant could she just hand the kids over to him for two weeks?

YABU

She is pregnant and wants them to have the children for a week.

Original poster

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:00

@rorret because she asked for my advice since they behave better for me than they do for her. you are all so quick to jump it’s actually laughable.

OP posts:

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 20:00

moomoomoo27 · 14/12/2023 18:47

Amazing how many people in this thread seem to think it's okay for a child to repeatedly hit a baby in the face.

I would have taken the baby to my mum's, or even a hotel if I had to. No way would I be putting up with that shit.

Not one person has said this is OK. The child is four and by OP's own account, she was messing around; it wasn't intentional. Of course it needs to be dealt with and she needs to learn, but it wasn't a malicious attack from a relatively mature person.

If she were the baby's full sibling and they lived together all the time, nobody would deal with it by going to a hotel. You parent the child - and she has a parent there, plus a step parent who needed to accept her as part of the deal when getting with her father.

Desecratedcoconut · 14/12/2023 20:01

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 19:55

They have the 4 and 3 year ild for dinner twice a week and one day at the weekend. He cannot have his children more as he works. Not sure how he will manage this new one full time…

How is that near 50/50?

Show quote history

My dc quite often have friends over this regularly... I wonder when I can start claiming child support?

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:01

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 19:56

@Panaa because with us it is not listening and the odd temper tantrum (which for their age is to be expected). their behaviour for their mother is beyond worse—and the conversations are started by HER. they are far better behaved for us then they are for mum.

Why are you parenting his children for him? You should be concentrating on yourself and your baby.

Goodlard · 14/12/2023 20:02

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:00

@rorret because she asked for my advice since they behave better for me than they do for her. you are all so quick to jump it’s actually laughable.

Of course, every mother asks someone without children to give parenting advice. They're always the best parents.

Namerequired · 14/12/2023 20:02

You will find this story very common on any stepparent boards tbh. She is trying to make sure she still pulls the strings.
People will tell you you would have no choice if they were your own kids, and they are right, but they aren’t! It’s one advantage of blended families, and we all know there’s not many of those. It’s also a totally different scenario.
This is your 1st baby and you should have been given space. Your dp is the one at fault here though. He needed to put his foot down, he needed to refuse to have them. He needed to put you and the baby 1st in this instance, and he let you down. She will continue to play this game until he puts a stop to it. You can’t do it and you will end up resenting first the situations, but soon him and the kids. You knew he had kids, but he also knew you didn’t. The responsibility is his here. People will tell you, you knew what you were getting in to, don’t listen to that rubbish. No one knows what they are getting into until they have done, especially if you have no kids. How would you know? You are now a 1st time parent and that needs to be respected and thought off.
She threatens court, good! Court is your friend. Get things formalised now and then it’s much harder for her to play these games. These are very young children, you have a lot of years of this ahead.
Congratulations on your baby, and take care of yourself. Don’t allow yourself to get put last out of a misguided sense that it’s your lot as a stepmother. Having a new baby is tough enough, cut yourself some slack.

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:02

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:00

@rorret because she asked for my advice since they behave better for me than they do for her. you are all so quick to jump it’s actually laughable.

You know that kids often behave better for people who aren't their mother?

OnlytheonceZ · 14/12/2023 20:02

Forgotmylogindetails · 14/12/2023 19:07

@OnlytheonceZ

if You had your own children at the time would you have not seen them for 6 weeks ?

My own dd actually went to stay with my parents for the same length of time

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:04

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 19:55

They have the 4 and 3 year ild for dinner twice a week and one day at the weekend. He cannot have his children more as he works. Not sure how he will manage this new one full time…

How is that near 50/50?

Show quote history

If he has them overnight at the week-end (so that must be all Saturday and part of Sunday) every week-end and for dinner twice a week (and sometimes stay over) and he pays maintenance then that is 50-50. When I had custody of my DD 50-50, we shared her (luckily both teachers so had hols) equally (and my DS, but he was over 16) and I paid no more maintenance. Whilst my ex-DH was receiving maintenance I only saw the children at his convenience (i.e. not even every other week-end) so I took him to court because he a) lied during divorce proceedings and b) was preventing the DCs from seeing me and also leaving an underage girl in the charge of a 17 year old boy for the week-end which I saw as a huge safe-guarding issue. The ex in OP's case is being manipulative and difficult and off-loading DCs and then complaining she had no time for herself. Bit disengenuous, I think.

Original poster

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:05

@Grammarnut he has told her multiple times he will take full custody as the past 5 months she has been saying she cannot cope with their behaviour, but she won’t give it up. instead she just sends them here for a week for us to discipline, and then the cycle continues.

OP posts:

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 20:05

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 20:00

Not one person has said this is OK. The child is four and by OP's own account, she was messing around; it wasn't intentional. Of course it needs to be dealt with and she needs to learn, but it wasn't a malicious attack from a relatively mature person.

If she were the baby's full sibling and they lived together all the time, nobody would deal with it by going to a hotel. You parent the child - and she has a parent there, plus a step parent who needed to accept her as part of the deal when getting with her father.

Show quote history

Also...move the baby out of the way! Don't put the baby in a position where rowdy children can hurt her, then blame the children if they do. It is the parents' responsibility to keep children safe.

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:05

If he has them overnight at the week-end (so that must be all Saturday and part of Sunday) every week-end and for dinner twice a week (and sometimes stay over) and he pays maintenance then that is 50-50.

How is that 50/50? What has paying maintenance got to do with what % of the time he has them?

snoopyfanaccountant · 14/12/2023 20:06

Namerequired · 14/12/2023 20:02

You will find this story very common on any stepparent boards tbh. She is trying to make sure she still pulls the strings.
People will tell you you would have no choice if they were your own kids, and they are right, but they aren’t! It’s one advantage of blended families, and we all know there’s not many of those. It’s also a totally different scenario.
This is your 1st baby and you should have been given space. Your dp is the one at fault here though. He needed to put his foot down, he needed to refuse to have them. He needed to put you and the baby 1st in this instance, and he let you down. She will continue to play this game until he puts a stop to it. You can’t do it and you will end up resenting first the situations, but soon him and the kids. You knew he had kids, but he also knew you didn’t. The responsibility is his here. People will tell you, you knew what you were getting in to, don’t listen to that rubbish. No one knows what they are getting into until they have done, especially if you have no kids. How would you know? You are now a 1st time parent and that needs to be respected and thought off.
She threatens court, good! Court is your friend. Get things formalised now and then it’s much harder for her to play these games. These are very young children, you have a lot of years of this ahead.
Congratulations on your baby, and take care of yourself. Don’t allow yourself to get put last out of a misguided sense that it’s your lot as a stepmother. Having a new baby is tough enough, cut yourself some slack.

You put this much better than I did.

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:06

Namerequired · 14/12/2023 20:02

You will find this story very common on any stepparent boards tbh. She is trying to make sure she still pulls the strings.
People will tell you you would have no choice if they were your own kids, and they are right, but they aren’t! It’s one advantage of blended families, and we all know there’s not many of those. It’s also a totally different scenario.
This is your 1st baby and you should have been given space. Your dp is the one at fault here though. He needed to put his foot down, he needed to refuse to have them. He needed to put you and the baby 1st in this instance, and he let you down. She will continue to play this game until he puts a stop to it. You can’t do it and you will end up resenting first the situations, but soon him and the kids. You knew he had kids, but he also knew you didn’t. The responsibility is his here. People will tell you, you knew what you were getting in to, don’t listen to that rubbish. No one knows what they are getting into until they have done, especially if you have no kids. How would you know? You are now a 1st time parent and that needs to be respected and thought off.
She threatens court, good! Court is your friend. Get things formalised now and then it’s much harder for her to play these games. These are very young children, you have a lot of years of this ahead.
Congratulations on your baby, and take care of yourself. Don’t allow yourself to get put last out of a misguided sense that it’s your lot as a stepmother. Having a new baby is tough enough, cut yourself some slack.

Exactly this! Well said.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 20:06

@Namerequired

This is your 1st baby and you should have been given space. Your dp is the one at fault here though. He needed to put his foot down, he needed to refuse to have them. He needed to put you and the baby 1st in this instance, and he let you down

What absolute garbage. The dp is at fault. He needed to do the parenting of his children. He needed to keep their routine and ensure they still felt loved by their father. He need to put the children first.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 20:07

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:05

@Grammarnut he has told her multiple times he will take full custody as the past 5 months she has been saying she cannot cope with their behaviour, but she won’t give it up. instead she just sends them here for a week for us to discipline, and then the cycle continues.

You're willing to have them full time, now?

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:07

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:05

@Grammarnut he has told her multiple times he will take full custody as the past 5 months she has been saying she cannot cope with their behaviour, but she won’t give it up. instead she just sends them here for a week for us to discipline, and then the cycle continues.

Why doesn't he take it to court then?

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:08

So she's a bad parent, who can't cope and the children are very badly behaved due to her bad parenting, but your DP isn't prepared to take it to court and go for full custody why? He's neglecting those children if he continues to allow them to be in a home where they are not properly parented.

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 20:09

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:05

@Grammarnut he has told her multiple times he will take full custody as the past 5 months she has been saying she cannot cope with their behaviour, but she won’t give it up. instead she just sends them here for a week for us to discipline, and then the cycle continues.

Let her take him to court. Get arrangements sorted out and put you and your baby first. Congrats on baby btw.

Itsaselectionbox · 14/12/2023 20:09

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 20:05

@Grammarnut he has told her multiple times he will take full custody as the past 5 months she has been saying she cannot cope with their behaviour, but she won’t give it up. instead she just sends them here for a week for us to discipline, and then the cycle continues.

This is ridiculous. You said up thread he 'can't' have them more than one night a week. You all need to grow up, act like adults and give the 3 DC some stability before you really mess them up.

rorret · 14/12/2023 20:09

And if you'd be happy to have them full time, why is it such an issue that you had them a few extra days? if he'd stepped up as a parent and gone for custody already, you'd have them full time when you had your baby and you'd be fine with that?