DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Such a depressing thread.

OP I do understand your frustration and tears; as you will have now realised, giving birth is a huge event, the biggest a human being can go through. You need time to process the enormity of the physical and emotional experience, and ideally you would have space and support in equal measures.

The difference between your situation and a new mother without step children is that you don't have the option to ease into parenthood. You're already in the thick of it, and have been since you took on a man with two very small children. It cannot be easy but that's the situation you are in so your only choice us to make it work.

Absolutely no reason why you ant hole yourself up in the bedroom for chunks of time. Small children will be curious about their new sibling buy mostly interested in their own lives and, in your case, time with Dad.

They are not "badly behaved", but merely very young and learning.

Do try to remember your attitude and reflect on it when your own child is 3.

Your updates are increasingly exaggerated such as suggesting your partner had been apart from his ex for 3 years before you started dating. Unless you had the miracle birth only the night after meeting?

And your maths around split between your partner and the ex, that's just laughable. C'mon, she has them more than 80% of the time and has done since they were babies.

You are co.plaining about the strain of parenting after a mere 12 days, try to imagine how she must feel after years of doing it alone.

This will not go well unless you make a big adjustment to your attitude and start to respect your stepchildren as the precious and vulnerable little people they are. It must be terrible for their.mother to know they are going where they are not wanted or cherished, and where their stepmother is actively trying to push them.out. It's terribly sad.

You get one shot with kids. If you channel your energy more positively your whole family will do so much better.

Your the second person to post that what funny font with lines through it????

Well, you have a boyfriend problem. Why was he not the one doing the parenting of his children while you recovered? Why was a 4 year old not removed from the situation calmly the first time she hit the baby in the face? Shouting at her for being excited was unacceptable. Parent better.

His children are very, very young themselves. Having a 4 year old, 3 year old and a baby wouldnt appeal to many due to how demanding all those stages are. Of course this is going to be incredibly hard. They are all incredibly young.

what you need to do is decide what role you will have. You’re not married. You cannot have been together long at all before deciding to have a baby. How unsettling must that have been? Utter madness.

Why are you bashing the OP, Valentine, when the custody arrangements were probably not hers and the ex is being manipulative and is off-loading her children? Presumably, the DP pays maintenance so it is a 50%-50% arrangement in that case, but one part is money, which I bet ex would hate losing, because my ex-DH was livid when I re-arranged custody in court so that I no longer paid maintenance. If custody really is 50-50 then no maintenance need be paid since both parties are spending their own share on the children.

OP is a first-time mum. Do any of you remember the feelings of being out of your depth, with raging hormones, as you adjusted to having a little baby who was totally dependent on you when you brought your first born home?

The DSC are very important and very much part of this family, but OP needs time to adjust to being a mum without having 2 toddlers (who she is DSM to) dependent on her too. It's crucial that the DSC aren't excluded or kept away from the baby but OP needs space to establish routines with the baby, something someone having their second or third child would previously have done and prepared for; a second or third time mum would expect broken/sleepless nights, erratic meal times (DH and I didn't eat together for months as we juggled a baby who was always unsettled when we wanted to eat our evening meal). Regular visits from the DSC need to be maintained to reassure them that they aren't being pushed out by the new baby but their DSM shouldn't be expected to have them extra time at the same time as she deals with a major life change.

How can they have been separated for 3 years when SS is only 3 and you have been pregnant for 9 months?

This the op needs to lay down or go elsewhere with her newborn while she gets to grips with motherhood. I feel sorry for her and her husband should be taking care of the children while she recovers.

Op the Tele is your friend put on a cartoon for them next time they play up.

Tbh I think a big part of the issue is women being discharged too early after birth. In many families I know, older dcs stay with a relative for the first few days of a baby’s life so the mum has some recovery time. I think in this case the ex could have held back a bit to make it easier all round and for more harmonious relations in future.

(At the same time it doesn’t sound like 50:50 parenting, and OP’s dp needs to step up more)

But that's on their father to sort during his contact time, not the ex. I agree parenting the SDC shouldn't be on OP, her partner should be sorting it.

Grasping at straws here but maybe the 3 year old is nearly 4

YANBU I would have objected to them being around the newborn when they had flu tbh, let alone after one of them hit your newborn in the face more than once.

I think your expectations are unreasonable. These two very young children were always a huge part of the picture, and that effectively makes your first baby the third child in the family.

Siblings will poke and prod a new baby. DC2 lived on the worktop in the kitchen to keep them out of reach of DC1 who just wanted to poke their eyes. DC2 sat down hard on a newborn DC3 in their Moses basket. It's your fault when these things happen, just as it was mine. You will learn. I did.

You can't exclude the two young stepchildren but you can manage the situation. Your DP should take charge of entertaining his children, and you can retreat to your room. Yes, it means that he can't be as hands on with the new baby as you might like when they are there, but them's the breaks unfortunately, and you are both going to have to make this work in the long term.

Unfortunately I'm with everyone else, what you have described is part and parcel of what you have to deal with when you have children with someone who allready has children and ex partners, your just have to suck it up and deal with it, alot of people wouldn't of gotten involved from the outset as they knew this is exactly what happens with step kids and ex partners, sorry your having to go through this. Unfortunately it is likely to only get worse with the ex partner and step kids as time goes on

You wouldn't believe this is called Mumsnet more like.................net.

I'll leave up to everyone else to think of a word to fill in the gaps.

Yes, he is a bit worse as he sees relatively little of his first two children and still thought it was a good idea to have a third. It isn't clear how the finances work with his ex partner or his current one, but I'd put money on the women ending up financially penalised as a result of having children while not married to him.

In fact, the adults are all selfish - all of them are basically procreating with the next person they come across. Not one of them seems to be bothered about the effect on any of the children, step or otherwise.

A good starting point for a family life is finding a partner who hasn't already got young children. Having children is not easy even in the best situation - and step families are very far from the best situation.

if i could go into every small detail of how the relationship between me, sc mother and by default the relationship between my partner and her, has has gotten worse from how we started i would!

And it would make no difference, because the adults who choose the situation aren't the priority here. The children are, or should be.

You need to realise that, properly.

I’m trying to work out the maths here. The youngest is 3. You say they were separated 2 years before you met him. So, the youngest dc was, maximum, 2 years old when you met him? And is now 3, and you were presumably pregnant for the standard 9 months….I’m sorry OP, what’s done is done, but I can’t get over that you got pregnant with a man you had pretty much just met, who already had a 2 and a 3 year old, and yet you somehow expect things to be this perfect little bubble, with just your little family of 3. That ship hasn’t so much sailed as never set sea in the first place.

This.

Always makes me laugh that most men can’t have their children because of their work shifts. What if the mother worked similar shifts? Oh wait no the mother has to sacrifice her career to have her children because the father just makes up excuses! I cannot believe you’ve had a child with someone who has 2 young children and you wanted them out of the picture for a week after the birth! Unreal 😂😂

They have the 4 and 3 year ild for dinner twice a week and one day at the weekend. He cannot have his children more as he works. Not sure how he will manage this new one full time…

How is that near 50/50?

@Panaa because with us it is not listening and the odd temper tantrum (which for their age is to be expected). their behaviour for their mother is beyond worse—and the conversations are started by HER. they are far better behaved for us then they are for mum.

Cannot have two children more because he works… so has a third. Makes total sense.

@cadburyegg yes he’s four next month

Oh he's still a baby himself.

So why were you moaning about their behaviour with the new baby? I'm confused?