Page 16 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/12/2023 19:30

Desecratedcoconut · 14/12/2023 19:25

Says no decent parent.

Children come first for a reason, they are vulnerable, utterly dependent and powerless. They have acquired no resources to compensate for the failings of the people around them and how they are treated as children will echo through their entire lives.

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Well said.

Original poster

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 19:30

@namechangnancy i only come across this website today and thought it would be an okay place to seek advice, my mistake for not putting in some research first lol… i see now i’ve asked in the wrong space. if i could go into every small detail of how the relationship between me, sc mother and by default the relationship between my partner and her, has has gotten worse from how we started i would! hell, i have everything written down because she threatens taking him to court every other week over him saying he cannot take time off work to discipline them when she won’t—and yes, i say won’t because we have both had conversations with her about how to get them to behave better for her and she doesn’t listen

OP posts:

Perthsmurf · 14/12/2023 19:33

i might have been more sympathetic but the way the OP has written sounds pretty resentful of the DCs as well as their mother. Things like checking to see if there’s genuinely any traffic when the mother was held up- this is toxic and not a mature way to handle anything.

Congratulations on your baby, OP, and please work with your DP and his ex to ensure your DD has the relationship she deserves with her siblings, and they are properly included in the family unit. It will bite you all massively on the arse if you don’t.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 19:33

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 19:30

@namechangnancy i only come across this website today and thought it would be an okay place to seek advice, my mistake for not putting in some research first lol… i see now i’ve asked in the wrong space. if i could go into every small detail of how the relationship between me, sc mother and by default the relationship between my partner and her, has has gotten worse from how we started i would! hell, i have everything written down because she threatens taking him to court every other week over him saying he cannot take time off work to discipline them when she won’t—and yes, i say won’t because we have both had conversations with her about how to get them to behave better for her and she doesn’t listen

But yet you said . Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening
so they don't behave for you either so why are you both having conversations with her about how to get them to behave better.

SawX · 14/12/2023 19:33

It'll be a good place for advice in a couple of years when he's moved on to family number 3 and his next girlfriend doesn't want your daughter ruining her soaking up time.

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 19:33

Whatever you do will be unreasonable OP as you are a step parent I am afraid and this is Mumsnet.

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 19:34

Um who are you to tell her how to raise her own children? You've been on the scene 5 minutes.

Justcallmebebes · 14/12/2023 19:34

Elijuah32 · 14/12/2023 16:49

I'm almost always on the side of the step parent as they do get a hard time on here but I can't get past the ages of his two other children, just 2 and 3 😔

He sounds like an irresponsible idiot to be bringing more children into the world with a new woman before his existing children are even out of nappies.

OP once you have established parenthood and some years of experience under your belt you will see it the same way. That guy is no prize.

This, most definitely. His kids are just babies and must be so confused

Itsaselectionbox · 14/12/2023 19:35

Imagine looking after a 3 and 4 year old 1 evening and 2 days a week then trying to give the active parent parenting advice 😂

rorret · 14/12/2023 19:35

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 19:30

@namechangnancy i only come across this website today and thought it would be an okay place to seek advice, my mistake for not putting in some research first lol… i see now i’ve asked in the wrong space. if i could go into every small detail of how the relationship between me, sc mother and by default the relationship between my partner and her, has has gotten worse from how we started i would! hell, i have everything written down because she threatens taking him to court every other week over him saying he cannot take time off work to discipline them when she won’t—and yes, i say won’t because we have both had conversations with her about how to get them to behave better for her and she doesn’t listen

Why the fuck are you, a parent to a 12 day old, having conversations with your partner's ex about how to get her children to behave better for her?

You need to step back, massively.

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 19:35

SnowSwan · 14/12/2023 19:34

Um who are you to tell her how to raise her own children? You've been on the scene 5 minutes.

🙄

namechangnancy · 14/12/2023 19:36

@mikka404 if you were looking for advice or even a balance response, I have seen sharks more friendly than this lot. And sharks probably can read better than some on here. My advice would be to take this thread down because it's gonna get really nasty and frankly it's appearing in active so the pile on is nigh.

It gets better. I promise. Early days.

Reesescheeses · 14/12/2023 19:36

Sorry but YABU, this is going to be very unsettling for his children and they have to come first. What do you think people do if they have 2 of their own children at home? No choice to lounge around recovering for a week. You’re a family.

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 14/12/2023 19:36

@mikka404 yes, next time post in Stepparenting.

I hope you feel better soon.

The children were very young when you got together but I do know a lovely couple who did this and they are still together. They have a nice family set up when they are all together. The youngest is now about 12 years old.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 19:36

Itsaselectionbox · 14/12/2023 19:35

Imagine looking after a 3 and 4 year old 1 evening and 2 days a week then trying to give the active parent parenting advice 😂

Edited

Even though they can't discipline them themselves. She said in the OP that they are not the best behaved, that they have problems with listening and were rough with the baby including one of them hitting the baby in the face 3 times!

rorret · 14/12/2023 19:36

Seems to me you're not so great at getting them to do what you tell them anyway op.

Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around

Itsaselectionbox · 14/12/2023 19:37

Oh my word I missed that bit! Those DC need routine and stability.

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 19:38

Reesescheeses · 14/12/2023 19:36

Sorry but YABU, this is going to be very unsettling for his children and they have to come first. What do you think people do if they have 2 of their own children at home? No choice to lounge around recovering for a week. You’re a family.

They don’t always have to come first to OP. They have a mother. She is allowed feelings, they are valid . This is a typical step parent bashing thread.

BetterWithPockets · 14/12/2023 19:38

Gently, OP, I think you ABU. I know what it’s like to have a child with a man who already has children and personally I think it’s more important than ever that he (and by association you) stick to normal plans for your DSC otherwise they’ll inevitably feel pushed out by the new baby. Given that you have your DSC 50% of the week, you still have time to bond, just the three of you. It’s not easy, I know, but if you genuinely want a blended family, it’s important you see your DSC as an integral part of that, not an imposition or some kind of impediment to your ‘real’ family time. Having said that, it sounds as though your DH’s ex isn’t making anything easy — but I can understand why she’d be worried about her (and your DH’s other) children feeling pushed out. My DC & SDC (all much older now) have a LOVELY relationship and while it wasn’t always easy — far from it — I’m eternally grateful for that.

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 19:38

I really think your DP should take his ex to court. Presumably he is paying maintenance for his children. She is threatening him with court action but over what? He cannot support the children and you and also take lots of time off, it's impossible. Have you considered applying for full custody of the children? I know it sounds difficult but might work out much better than the arrangements you have now. Sorry, if I am being over-interfering, I had a custody battle for my (much older) children with my ex-DH and it got grievously nasty because I was paying maintenance and not being allowed to see them. It went to court and I got 50% custody, but I suspect I could have got 100% because ex was intransigent and abusive.

AnneValentine · 14/12/2023 19:39

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

50/50 split time or everything? Does he sort school uniform. Shoes. Doctors apts. Dentist apts. School admin. Etc etc.

or just gave them?

also - the time you’ve described is not 50/50.

Grammarnut · 14/12/2023 19:40

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 19:38

They don’t always have to come first to OP. They have a mother. She is allowed feelings, they are valid . This is a typical step parent bashing thread.

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Totally agree. Children do not always have to come first, they have to fit in with the family arrangements and needs. This is becoming very parent-bashing, too. The OP needs some advice not to be told she should put up with a situation that is upsetting her and her new baby.

OhwhyOY · 14/12/2023 19:40

I think it sounds like jealousy. If she can suddenly change hours then you can say you want the next weekend off in lieu of the last one. Be firm and polite and set clear boundaries. If she makes plans without discussing it in advance then tough she will have to cancel them.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 19:40

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 19:30

@namechangnancy i only come across this website today and thought it would be an okay place to seek advice, my mistake for not putting in some research first lol… i see now i’ve asked in the wrong space. if i could go into every small detail of how the relationship between me, sc mother and by default the relationship between my partner and her, has has gotten worse from how we started i would! hell, i have everything written down because she threatens taking him to court every other week over him saying he cannot take time off work to discipline them when she won’t—and yes, i say won’t because we have both had conversations with her about how to get them to behave better for her and she doesn’t listen

But @mikka404 - since you have the children 50/50 (your words),surely their bad behaviour is down absolutely equally to both parents? Since they look after them equal amounts of time?

Cockapoo1211 · 14/12/2023 19:41

Panaa · 14/12/2023 19:36

Even though they can't discipline them themselves. She said in the OP that they are not the best behaved, that they have problems with listening and were rough with the baby including one of them hitting the baby in the face 3 times!

Edited

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It’s usually the birth parents fault in these circumstances and the step parent is screwed . Has to offer step child everything and put them first but can’t discipline , very hypocritical indeed . ‘Oh but did you not know what you were signing up for ‘ is usually the response to this . The step parent is an outsider and can see poor behaviour that the parents can’t see .