DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

You had a baby with a bloke with two toddlers - what did you expect? Their behaviour is perfectly normal kid behaviour and you're telling them off for it. They've had their world turned upside down and none of it is their fault. Yes YABU, and your partner should be doing everything in his power to reassure his existing children and being a decent father to them.
Don't have kids with a man with two babies and then moan when the inevitable happens- imagine if you split, and your partner has another baby with the new woman, and she wrote this about your baby.
Awful, isn't it?

If you had another child, would you send your child to live with grandparents for a week so you could bond with the new baby? I don’t know anyone who would do this. It’s important to feel included with a new sibling. They’re young and could feel pushed out by a new sibling that gets to live with their dad full time. I would try everything you can to include them and bond as a family.

My DS has his children every other week-end and for some weeks of the holidays - he is able to work from home, and, naturally, pays maintenance for them. He and his ex get on well, and I have entertained ex and her new DP and her child by him in our holiday home and we get on ok (better than when she was my DD-in-law, in fact). Custody is awkward, esp with young children. When I divorced my previous DH (and married the new one) ex lied to the court and said custody arrangements were in place when they were not, and would not let me see the children. I had to go to court to get 50% custody (which meant I ceased to pay maintenance, of course, which really cheesed him off as he was getting nearly half my salary and it was well worth it because he'd threatened me with the CSA, and I think I should have called his bluff because the payments would certainly have been reduced). So if OP's DH is paying maintenance and having the DCs every week-end (with one night stopover) and during the week he is doing his bit. When they are older without a doubt they will be spending half the school holidays with their father, as mine did with me.

@OnlytheonceZ

if You had your own children at the time would you have not seen them for 6 weeks ?

I personally don't think you're being unreasonable here. Is this your first baby? You want to get into motherhood and the home routine and it does appear to me that Dp's ex is the one being unreasonable by not giving you the time you need to bond and heal. She could have at least offered for DP to go to her house so he could still see his kids but instead she is insisting they still go tonyour house, be noisy etc with a brand new baby. I would suggest having a word with Dp and see if it would be possible for him to arrange a temporary change in his contact with his kids just to give you some time to heal and for a bit of a routine for the baby to be established. Congratulations and good luck x

YANBU for how you feel, and I can completely sympathise. After giving birth, your emotions are all over the place, it's an absolutely huge life moment, and normally you 100% would get that time to bond with the baby. You've missed that for your first, and I think it's still valid. And although your step children are a part of the family and absolutely should be a part of that, it's still important to have time to bond with the baby, recover etc - I guess you have had that though, while they've been at their mum's part of the time? Maybe you could have involved the SC more when the baby was newly born, introducing them 1st etc - but also maybe their mum could have offered a change for the first week if you'd wanted it such as bringing them for shorter periods, just a bit of consideration on both sides really? It does kinda sound like she's gone out of her way to make things more difficult (how long exactly was she stuck in traffic for to not be able to pick them up at all?) From your note too about announcing your pregnancy.
With my first tbh I was shocked at other people's toddlers just batting the baby and generally being annoying toddlers and parents not really being fussed. It's just a different experience when you don't already have children of your own. After my second, my first child was the one batting the baby, being irritating and not listening, but I wanted her to be part of it and just got on with it, and didn't mind the batting as much. DH gave me breaks by taking eldest out. Couldn't DP have done this for you?

I think PPs are giving you a hard time - of course you are all a family now and you should accept them and embrace them etc but I think it's a different situation when it's literally days after a traumatic birth and it's your first time too.

Sorry but I do agree with this. I've seen it time and time again. Women rushing to have their own baby with a man because he already has kids with any ex. It usually doesn't end up they way they imagine.

You keep posting like it’s you VS the ex, but there is an adult in the middle of you both.

If he has a problem with his ex, then he needs to deal with it and try and find a way to make it better (perhaps by getting a court ordered contact order).

You are annoyed that the DSC came over so soon after the birth of your children but surely their dad would want them to come over.

Why are you annoyed at the ex, when it’s your DH who is having his kids over?

If you want to be annoyed at someone then it should be DH, but even then you’d be BU because he already has kids and he’s going to want to see them like normal and rightly so.

I feel sorry for them too, not because they have parents living in separate households, but because if mum is using them as pawns they would be more damaged and traumatised than if they didn’t see their dad at all.

Could you imagine what is like for those children to get back to their mother who is seething with jealousy? She will hurt them and upset them because she cannot reasonably control her own emotions, they will learn to feel guilty about having a good time with dad or will learn to lie to —protect mum’s feelings— avoid mum’s outbursts.

It is not divorce that damage children, it is all the drama and hate they get to witness when there is antagonism between parents.

Your partner has chosen to have 3 babies in very quick succession so he may as well hit the ground running and learn how to practically parent the 3 of them straight away. It’s bloody hard work! Sorry.

Poor toddlers, being put in this situation.

Their father is incredibly selfish and irresponsible.

Good luck OP. I fear you have not had a child with a good un. Hope your child is not put in this situation in a couple of years.

@MeMySonAnd1 I agree.

The children will be too young to be upset about their parents not being together. They will pick up on the fact they don't get on or like other.

While I can understand your annoyance at the ex not sticking to the plan, if you are exhausted for whatever reason then you need to be upstairs resting and trying to sleep when your baby does. Just because dp is cooking and doing housework his 'job' is still to entertain, care for and discipline his children.

So just because you think that a one night sleepover and some evenings is 'doing his bit' that means that anything more would mean that the ex is taking him for a ride???

You mention a DS, but if you had a DD in this situation would you tell her she was taking the ex for a ride if she thought it was more fair that the dad had them a bit more?

When they are older without a doubt they will be spending half the school holidays with their father, as mine did with me.

What? Do you realise that other people have different experiences than you? Bizarre that you would say 'without a doubt'. I don't know any father who takes the kids for half of the school holidays, genuinely.

No they don't. Everyone matters equally.

This is what happens when you have a baby by a man who already has two young children.

As a PP says, it seems to be a race to see who can have the two older children least. I feel sorry for them. Their father is the worst of the lot here, as he shouldn't have had another child if he can't cope with the two he already has, and doesn't want to have them for half of the time (what he is doing is not 50/50).

You posted about being a step mother in aibu, which is enough for people to justify putting your head on a spike. It's nick named the first wives club for a reason, so don't expect any balance here. Try the step parenting board for other posts

Then you had the audacity to have a baby with this man, which will have some people falling over themselves to make any thing you say a matter of you hate the kids and your the wicked step mother and of course your perfectly reasonable request is actually asking for a child's head on a spike.

Ffs some of the comments on here are just really unkind. Given that mums due to have a baby in may I assume all the people saying aibu, are totally ok when the time comes of you not holding up the mutual agreement around little space after birth for mum...

No doubt that will be different 🙄

So you're not being unreasonable, this sounds like a fecking nightmare. In blended families getting married or having a baby can kick off a really shit storm for some reason even if waters have been calm for years.

Your really early post birth. It gets easier, dad should be looking after sc and having you some time to recover from what sounds like a traumatic birth

Says no decent parent.

Children come first for a reason, they are vulnerable, utterly dependent and powerless. They have acquired no resources to compensate for the failings of the people around them and how they are treated as children will echo through their entire lives.

Don't be sorry. OP is a damn fool and I feel bad for all the kids.

Going against the grain here but I don’t think you’re asking for too much OP. I’m sure it would’ve been nice to have a few quiet days settling into your new home routine. Also wouldn’t have liked to have sick children around my brand new baby if it could’ve been avoided. I wish your DP could’ve maybe worked something out with the ex. I don’t really get why the other posters are saying you’re pushing your step kids aside. I don’t think skipping a night or two at your house would’ve made a big difference to them? ‘Stepmum is tired because of the new baby so we’ll let her rest tonight and you can meet your new sibling on the weekend’. Seems fair to me?

There's no reason to assume the ex is sitting around seething with jealousy and prone to outbursts around the kids, and if are to assume that then equally we can assume that the kids will witness the OP and her DHs outbursts and witness them seething with rage over how bad the ex is and how she's constantly pawning the kids off.

Mums pregnant too... but sure apparently dads worse 🙄

Yabu.

It was pretty irresponsible of your DH to have another baby so quickly with a new partner whilst his other children are so young.

Those poor kids won't know if they are coming or going bless them.

He can't shirk his parenting responsibilities and let's face it he doesn't pull his weight anyway as its not 50/50. You could be the ex in a couple of years time op so I would tread very carefully.

Not possible, seriously come on. You're either a parent or your not. What's the plan if you or ex become seriously unwell? Will DC go into Foster care or will parenting suddenly become possible?

The ex is facilitating your partners working pattern and shortcomings. She has to provide for her DC too.

I think the posters saying why should you have the DC extra days have misunderstood. He hasn't been asked to have them extra, he doesn't want them at all for 2 weeks.

Good luck OP, you're going to need it with your coparent.