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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 14/12/2023 18:24

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 18:20

Again @funinthesun19 ...you're right, the op shouldn't have to...but...the FATHER should. Not the mother. So so much internalised misogyny about. So many posters on this thread, who blame the ex for everything, rather than looking at the actual problem, their boyfriends.

If you read my posts I’ve aimed it all at the PARENTS. Plural. Not just the mum. I’ve read many many posts on here to know that BOTH parents can end up being CFers when it comes to stepmums. If anything I’m far from being misogynistic because I think OP as a woman with her newborn and vulnerable in her situation/easily taken advantage of should fiercely protect her boundaries.

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 14/12/2023 18:24

I do think some people are being harsh.

This is the first time you have given birth so being a Mum is totally new. If it was your DP's first child it would just be the three of you.

However, like myself you chose to have a baby with someone who already has children so you don't get this experience.

It is not the children's fault. They have to be included. They have a new sibling and they need to feel loved.

EvilElsa · 14/12/2023 18:24

SuspiciousSue · 14/12/2023 17:44

No, it’s my opinion. You don’t have to like it but that’s the point of a discussion board, everyone thinks differently.

Show quote history

That's fine. I just wasn't sure.
You don't just get to opt out of parenting your kids for two weeks though just because you've made the idiotic decision to father another baby with someone else when you already have two babies. That's not how it works. His two kids he had first have the routine of seeing their father. Everyone who has second/third/fourth etc kids after their first baby manages to handle the situation. It's no different with stepchildren.

Goodlard · 14/12/2023 18:25

@FestiveFruitloop a( father taking care of his first two children is not much to ask.

Why couldn't he look after them this home?

Sounds quite useless to me, he allows them to be feral by the sounds of it.

nutelia · 14/12/2023 18:26

I don’t know what people expect when they settle down with someone who already has kids, in this case very young kids.

Your OH is equally a father to all 3 of those children. Your new baby can’t take priority over the other children- just as you would treat your children all equally if you have anymore. Your step-kids are also biological siblings with your baby.

If people want the whole ‘bonding time just the 3 of us’ then pick somebody without kids ffs. You’ve chosen a ready built-in family, you’re not a little family of 3.

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 18:26

@Panaa funnily enough, she’s due in May and we had already agreed the same time frame. we would have the kids a week, minus a few hours for visits, so that she could recover and bond with her new little one. she didn’t stick to it—we will be.

OP posts:
thedamnseason · 14/12/2023 18:29

@mikka404 I do think it was unreasonable not to have the kids on their weekend with their dad. What message does that send to them? Literally the first weekend their sibling is born, they're not welcome. That might not be the case but they might feel it.

I also think as their mum, it's her job to advocate for them and it sounds like that's what she's done.

Also, the strike through thing is irritating and hard to read. If you want to say something, just blindly say it ffs!

thedamnseason · 14/12/2023 18:30

Bloody not blindly!

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 18:30

I think you’re entitled to have at least a week to compose yourself - let’s face it, if you had 2 of your own children at home you’d have family helping you with them, so what’s the difference here?

When I had my ds2 I was away from my ds1 who was 3 at the time, for 4 nights, because I had to be induced and we weren't discharged until about 7pm on the last night. My now ex went to collect ds1 from my parents the following morning. I hated ds1 being away from us for so long - 4 nights is a very long time at that age - and the only reason that was the case was because I had to be in hospital and children weren't allowed to visit. As soon as we came home ds1 came back to be with us. Ds1 was the first to meet ds2 before all the other family members. We didnt need "help" with ds1 when we were at home, why would we?. I did night feeds and breastfeeding and recovered from the birth whilst my ex ran around after ds1 and did the early mornings.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 18:30

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:21

DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born sounds pretty difficult to me.

Plus she told people OP was pregnant before OP was ready for people to know.

Plus admitting she's jealous.

Plus making other plans when it's supposed to be her time with the kids and kicking off if OP and her partner don't make with the childcare.

As I say, she sounds pretty difficult to me.

Show quote history

I don't think it's being difficult to say that the kids should have known first. They should have IMO.

She told people the OP was pregnant before OP was ready......can also be read as she told people that her recent ex who she had 2 very small children with was having another baby with someone else. That's not being difficult or even trying to do something wrong to the OP. My friends have told me when their exes have told them they're having new babies, that's their news about their own lives because it affects the kids. I've never seen it as sharing someone elses baby news.

Admitting she is jealous was just a feeling, I doubt she admitted it to the OP, more likely to the ex who went and told the OP!!

It wasn't supposed to be the exes time with the kids, it was supposed to be the dads time with the kids but they didn't want to take them because of the new baby.

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:30

Goodlard · 14/12/2023 18:25

@FestiveFruitloop a( father taking care of his first two children is not much to ask.

Why couldn't he look after them this home?

Sounds quite useless to me, he allows them to be feral by the sounds of it.

What do you mean by 'Why couldn't he look after them this home?'

And of course it's not much to ask. Neither is expecting the ex to stick to her days with the kids/be more reasonable if she wants to do something on her days and their dad occasionally can't accommodate.

nutelia · 14/12/2023 18:31

Also everyone else can’t just shoe siblings away when a new baby arrives to get the baby into a routine or whatever. I had a baby when I already had toddlers and just had to embrace it like every other person does. OP has had a baby knowing that said baby will have 2 older siblings. Like all other baby’s with older siblings you just get on with it.

Desecratedcoconut · 14/12/2023 18:31

Jesus, these poor kids, what a fucking shit show of instability.

PastelHouses · 14/12/2023 18:31

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

Hankunamatata · 14/12/2023 18:33

What you have described is what life is like when you have more than one child in a household. Siblings get ill, toddlers/preschoolers are hyper. What do you think would happen if dp had to have them full time

IhaveanewTVnow · 14/12/2023 18:33

When my ex H had a new baby with his wife there was no way I would have stopped his existing kids who were very young from seeing their new sibling. Sorry but there is no grace period when you already have two kids. We would all like time to bond with a third baby but untreated doesn’t happen. Children’s’ schedules continue, school pick ups, seeing dad, seeing mum, etc etc they just carry on and nothing should stop for a new sibling.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 18:33

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 18:26

@Panaa funnily enough, she’s due in May and we had already agreed the same time frame. we would have the kids a week, minus a few hours for visits, so that she could recover and bond with her new little one. she didn’t stick to it—we will be.

Well that's great but way more fair in that case as your DP only has the kids around 20% of the time usually and not almost 50% like you said.....
One week over the year doesn't bump up the % very much!

BalletBob · 14/12/2023 18:33

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

You cannot both be this entitled and clueless.

It was his weekend to parent his own children. He decided he wasn't going to bother, being that his new baby was arriving (which is definitely not a damaging message to send to two very young children who are bound to be affected by the end of their parents' marriage, your arrival on the scene and now potentially feeling sidelined by a new sibling who dad lives with full time 🙄 and all before they're out of preschool) but somehow you've twisted it round and are blaming their mother for "palming the kids off". It was his weekend! He was the one trying to palm them off. If he didn't want to see them, he should have organised childcare and not tried to dump his responsibility onto his ex wife. Good for her telling him to jog on.

You don't treat these kids like they're your own at all. He sounds like a shit dad and you are not the right kind of person to be taking on a relationship with a parent. Poor bloody kids.

Smellyscalp · 14/12/2023 18:35

I don't really understand posters saying that you can't just shift focus from step kids because new baby has arrived. That's literally what happens in (again, bogging word) 'nuclear' families. Your oldest has to understand the baby needs mum a lot just now.

tuttifuckinfruity · 14/12/2023 18:37

Domino20 · 14/12/2023 15:37

Sorry to be harsh but yes, you absolutely should have expected it when having children with someone who already has kids.

Yes, sorry OP, but the first response has it.

I would absolutely hate the situation you're in. But that's why I would never have kids with a guy who already has children, particularly ones are young as these ones.

I'm sorry. It's hard. But it is what it is.

Chipsahoyagain · 14/12/2023 18:38

I would have run a mile from anyone with children, let alone those ages. The worst ages, and they were probably younger when you met.

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 18:38

@Panaa i’ve done the math and in terms of hours looking after the children, it is near 50-50, like i said. granted, it’s not 50-50 in terms of overnights but that’s only because it’s not possible with his working hours.

OP posts:
bananamangoes · 14/12/2023 18:39

Why have you used fhat funny font with the lines through?

Do you want people to read your problem or not?

JANEY205 · 14/12/2023 18:40

OP did you get pregnant 3 months or less after meeting this man who already had two young children?! My goodness!

Pregnant with my second and will not be shipping off my first born when new baby arrives! We will be stepping up as parents.

Original poster
mikka404 · 14/12/2023 18:41

@bananamangoes it is showing up normal for me?

OP posts:
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