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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
Panaa · 14/12/2023 18:41

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 18:38

@Panaa i’ve done the math and in terms of hours looking after the children, it is near 50-50, like i said. granted, it’s not 50-50 in terms of overnights but that’s only because it’s not possible with his working hours.

It couldn't be if you only have them for 2 days from dinner until bed and then Friday-saturday.
What are the hours then?

Ellamaelucyolivia · 14/12/2023 18:42

I think your husband should stop pumping out children and take a breath.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 18:42

Smellyscalp · 14/12/2023 18:35

I don't really understand posters saying that you can't just shift focus from step kids because new baby has arrived. That's literally what happens in (again, bogging word) 'nuclear' families. Your oldest has to understand the baby needs mum a lot just now.

What? No it isn't.

Of course they need to know that the baby needs mum. But in 'nuclear' families most parents know they also have to set aside some time for the existing kids and make sure they don't feel left out and know that they're still just as important.

BusyCaz · 14/12/2023 18:42

Desecratedcoconut · 14/12/2023 18:31

Jesus, these poor kids, what a fucking shit show of instability.

This

confusedaboutclothes · 14/12/2023 18:42

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 18:30

I think you’re entitled to have at least a week to compose yourself - let’s face it, if you had 2 of your own children at home you’d have family helping you with them, so what’s the difference here?

When I had my ds2 I was away from my ds1 who was 3 at the time, for 4 nights, because I had to be induced and we weren't discharged until about 7pm on the last night. My now ex went to collect ds1 from my parents the following morning. I hated ds1 being away from us for so long - 4 nights is a very long time at that age - and the only reason that was the case was because I had to be in hospital and children weren't allowed to visit. As soon as we came home ds1 came back to be with us. Ds1 was the first to meet ds2 before all the other family members. We didnt need "help" with ds1 when we were at home, why would we?. I did night feeds and breastfeeding and recovered from the birth whilst my ex ran around after ds1 and did the early mornings.

That’s great that you didn’t need help, many women don’t, but many women also do depending on how it’s affected them physically and mentally.
Yes it’s a long time apart for kids at that age, but it’s also very quickly forgotten about at that age.
I think the problem here though is that the ex is going back on her word of promising a different arrangement which never happened - her partner should probably be doing more aswell to help.

BalletBob · 14/12/2023 18:43

Smellyscalp · 14/12/2023 18:35

I don't really understand posters saying that you can't just shift focus from step kids because new baby has arrived. That's literally what happens in (again, bogging word) 'nuclear' families. Your oldest has to understand the baby needs mum a lot just now.

This isn't what happens in nuclear families. Dads don't generally send the kids away to some third adult and both parents focus completely on the new baby. In reality, the existing children still require the attention and care of their parents.

Luxell934 · 14/12/2023 18:43

So your husband can’t have them 50/50 because of his working hours, what if the ex decided she was upping her working hours and couldn’t have them either?

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:44

It wasn't supposed to be the exes time with the kids, it was supposed to be the dads time with the kids but they didn't want to take them because of the new baby.

OP says: 'We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.'

Except the 'stuck in traffic' excuse meant they were there Wednesday-Sunday. The Thursday and possibly the Friday were supposed to be the ex's time, according to the info OP's provided.

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/12/2023 18:44

Congratulations on your baby OP.

Having a blended family is a lot of work. As youre discovering . Your Step children are very young and their behaviour is immature not malicious.
I don’t see that your husbands Ex is being unreasonable. She cares for them the majority of the time , it’s only fair they get to see their dad as well.

nutelia · 14/12/2023 18:45

There is no you, DD and DP time because your family includes your stepkids too.

This! A mum having her third baby can’t just shove her older two children away for a couple of weeks while she ‘bonds with her baby’. You have to just get on with life and that includes the other kids. You waved away any ‘right’ to be a little family of 3 when you decided to have a baby with a man who already had little kids.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 18:45

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 18:38

@Panaa i’ve done the math and in terms of hours looking after the children, it is near 50-50, like i said. granted, it’s not 50-50 in terms of overnights but that’s only because it’s not possible with his working hours.

Why don't you count overnights? You're on call on nights with children - you never know when they'll need you - and there are bedtimes and morning routines to do too.

Why is nobody prioritising the children here?

Smellyscalp · 14/12/2023 18:46

@Panaa yes, but the kids would still be involved if they had met baby sis, then seen dad the following week again. Its only 6 days.

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:46

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/12/2023 18:44

Congratulations on your baby OP.

Having a blended family is a lot of work. As youre discovering . Your Step children are very young and their behaviour is immature not malicious.
I don’t see that your husbands Ex is being unreasonable. She cares for them the majority of the time , it’s only fair they get to see their dad as well.

OP isn't trying to stop them seeing their dad?? She's just saying she would have found a week of time to adjust helpful and personally that sounds more than reasonable to me.

Smellyscalp · 14/12/2023 18:46

Also I live in a multi generation community so we grandparents tend to take children when new babies arrive. Maybe this is skewing my view.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 18:46

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:44

It wasn't supposed to be the exes time with the kids, it was supposed to be the dads time with the kids but they didn't want to take them because of the new baby.

OP says: 'We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.'

Except the 'stuck in traffic' excuse meant they were there Wednesday-Sunday. The Thursday and possibly the Friday were supposed to be the ex's time, according to the info OP's provided.

One incident isn't proof that she's difficult, especially when it's clear that the OP seems to think they have the kids waaaaaay more than they actually do and that the ex just takes the piss and pawns them off.

moomoomoo27 · 14/12/2023 18:47

Amazing how many people in this thread seem to think it's okay for a child to repeatedly hit a baby in the face.

I would have taken the baby to my mum's, or even a hotel if I had to. No way would I be putting up with that shit.

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 18:47

That’s great that you didn’t need help, many women don’t, but many women also do depending on how it’s affected them physically and mentally.
Yes it’s a long time apart for kids at that age, but it’s also very quickly forgotten about at that age.
I think the problem here though is that the ex is going back on her word of promising a different arrangement which never happened - her partner should probably be doing more aswell to help.

The "help" I needed was provided by my children's father. I didn't refer to it as "help" because that was his job as a father on paternity leave.

Just like it was OP's DP's job to look after his older children rather than letting them hurt the new baby and leaving the OP feeling run ragged.

Motheranddaughter · 14/12/2023 18:48

I feel very sorry for his DC
I can see it’s not great for you ,but part and parcel of marrying someone with (very young )kids

miniegg3 · 14/12/2023 18:48

Sorry but yabu.. you have to expect the kids will be there (and probably getting in baby's face sneezing) the same as they would if they were yours

EvilElsa · 14/12/2023 18:49

moomoomoo27 · 14/12/2023 18:47

Amazing how many people in this thread seem to think it's okay for a child to repeatedly hit a baby in the face.

I would have taken the baby to my mum's, or even a hotel if I had to. No way would I be putting up with that shit.

Where has anyone said this is OK?

miniegg3 · 14/12/2023 18:50

Borth · 14/12/2023 16:17

This is what happens when you hook up with someone with kids. It brings added complications which some people can manage and others can’t. I personally couldn’t be bothered with the extra hassle.

Me either..

Panaa · 14/12/2023 18:50

moomoomoo27 · 14/12/2023 18:47

Amazing how many people in this thread seem to think it's okay for a child to repeatedly hit a baby in the face.

I would have taken the baby to my mum's, or even a hotel if I had to. No way would I be putting up with that shit.

Who said that that was ok?

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:50

miniegg3 · 14/12/2023 18:48

Sorry but yabu.. you have to expect the kids will be there (and probably getting in baby's face sneezing) the same as they would if they were yours

Wow.

Some posters on this thread are really making it clear that they think the new baby should be bottom of the heap. Along with OP, it seems.

moomoomoo27 · 14/12/2023 18:51

EvilElsa · 14/12/2023 18:49

Where has anyone said this is OK?

Show quote history

Pretty much every response is "this is what happens when you take on step children"

Desecratedcoconut · 14/12/2023 18:52

@moomoomoo27 I expect that children who have seen their entire lives atomized as their parents disbanded their family, shacked up with new parent figures and brought new siblings into the mix before you were grown enough to write your own name, might have behaviour that is a little below par.

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