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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
Panaa · 14/12/2023 17:56

Shoppingfiend · 14/12/2023 17:53

Well you’d assume someone who’d given birth twice would have empathy with another woman who’d just given birth and give hear a day or two to recover - but no quite the opposite -she dumps the DCs on her for extra time ….
i feel sorry for the ex’s new DP, she is obviously still attached to her ex and jealous of the OP.

Doesn't sound like there's much to be attached to or jealous of.
The dad sounds pretty shit.

When the DP didn't want to take the kids for the weekend was that him 'dumping the DCs on the mother for extra time?'

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 17:58

funinthesun19 · 14/12/2023 17:54

I hope to god your maternity leave doesn’t turn in to babysitting services for your dp and his ex. Their shared children are under 5 and almost still babies themselves, so the parents might try and take full advantage of you with them not being school age yet.

I’d nip that in the bud straight away if they try it once he’s back at work.

Edited

While I agree that the DH needs to do his full share, caring for children who are not hers is what the OP signed up for when she married and had a child with a man who had small children. It was a very foolish decision and she is now reaping the rewards. I just hope that none of the children suffer, as all three adults seem immature and self focussed.

Lovemusic82 · 14/12/2023 18:00

Haven’t read the whole thread but I have been in your position OP and it is very hard. We tried to continue the same routine for dh’s DC’s which meant them coming over the day after dd was born. I was tearful and in a lot of pain but we didn’t want to say ‘no’ to them, after all their father had just had another child with someone new (ish) and we didn’t want them to feel pushed out. We just got through it, I spent a lot of time in bed with the baby but eldest SS also helped out by holding and burping his new sister. I was also worried about germs/bugs but it’s something I just had to get over. Being a step parent isn’t easy, trying to please everyone whilst remaining happy yourself is almost impossible.

Congratulations on the birth of your dd, I hope things get easier.

Perfectpeonies · 14/12/2023 18:01

“I’ve treated them like my own”

It doesn’t sound like it.

Lavenderflower · 14/12/2023 18:01

Parenting is not optional - your partner cannot pick and choose when he has his children.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 18:02

@Shoppingfiend

If the children have been 'dumped on' the op....then that's one persons fault...and I'll give you a clue -it isn't the mother who has her children the vast vast majority of the time, it's the father.

If the op is as struggling with the noise, the father should have taken them out. If the op didn't want their colds around her newborn, then the father should have taken them to a hotel.

The point that you and the op are missing, as internalised misogynists, is that this is on the sc FATHER, not their mother.

Dweetfidilove · 14/12/2023 18:03

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 16:04

But you knew what his ex is like and still chose to have a baby with this man.

This is what I struggle with. If I started dating a man with kids and found out his ex was an awkward person, I'd run a mile, not stay and have a baby so I'm stuck and then complain.

Show quote history

Exactly! It’s ridiculous that anyone wants to raise someone else’s toddlers, worse with a problematic ex. Then add a new baby all the extra stress that entails.

Just why?

HamstersAreMyLife · 14/12/2023 18:08

With kindness, because I fully remember how overwhelming the first weeks are, if it's your weekend/day to have the kids then you need to sort out childcare if you don't want them at home. I don't understand really why you wouldn't as you would usually have siblings around after a birth but I get that hormones make everything feel bigger than it really is.

Baircasolly · 14/12/2023 18:14

It must be really difficult having your first child with some who has kids already. But I'm afraid that you are being a bit unreasonable.

If the roles were reversed, and it was your third and his first, would you happily keep your existing 2yo and 3yo at arms length for a couple of weeks?

funinthesun19 · 14/12/2023 18:15

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 17:58

While I agree that the DH needs to do his full share, caring for children who are not hers is what the OP signed up for when she married and had a child with a man who had small children. It was a very foolish decision and she is now reaping the rewards. I just hope that none of the children suffer, as all three adults seem immature and self focussed.

Show quote history

These kids aren’t 10 and 8 year olds who don’t need as much looking after/can entertain themselves etc.. They are toddlers/preschoolers and I don’t think OP should be expected to look after them for any significant amount of time at all. And I definitely don’t think she should have to facilitate extra time because she’s off work and/or look after them for the ex.

BingoWings85 · 14/12/2023 18:16

So if they’d been separated for two years when you met, and their youngest is 3, you‘d known him for 3 months when you got pregnant?

I don’t think it’s fair to say OP knew what she was getting into. She clearly didn’t know much at all.

wronginalltherightways · 14/12/2023 18:16

Panaa · 14/12/2023 17:10

she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

It's nowhere even close to a perfect 50/50 split.
Twice a week from dinner until bedtime.
And then sound like 2 partial days and 1 night each weekend?

She's not constantly parting them off to you, that's a terrible attitude.

In regards to your OP this time is extremely important for the stepkids and it's very important they feel included and not pushed out.

If I was the mother of the stepkids I wouldn't have sent the kids over when they had the flu though but I wouldn't judge her for sending them either as I don't know the circumstances and perhaps she desperately needed the break.

Agree. It's nowhere near 50/50; she's carrying the load.

I hope he's paying the appropriate level of child support and covering half of other things (school uniform, school trips, etc)

Panaa · 14/12/2023 18:18

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 18:02

@Shoppingfiend

If the children have been 'dumped on' the op....then that's one persons fault...and I'll give you a clue -it isn't the mother who has her children the vast vast majority of the time, it's the father.

If the op is as struggling with the noise, the father should have taken them out. If the op didn't want their colds around her newborn, then the father should have taken them to a hotel.

The point that you and the op are missing, as internalised misogynists, is that this is on the sc FATHER, not their mother.

Absolutely! I agree that it's misogyny. It's the dad who tried to dodge his parenting duties but yet the ex gets blamed for getting him to stick to them 🤔

wronginalltherightways · 14/12/2023 18:19

Lavenderflower · 14/12/2023 18:01

Parenting is not optional - your partner cannot pick and choose when he has his children.

This is really what it boils down to.

OP's partner is already a parent. He still has obligations and responsibilities towards them.

Just because OP is having her 'first baby' doesn't make his responsibilities any 'less'.

and if OP's husband is dumping his responsibilities for his existing children on OP, then perhaps OP might start to realise why the EX is now an Ex.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 18:19

Baircasolly · 14/12/2023 18:14

It must be really difficult having your first child with some who has kids already. But I'm afraid that you are being a bit unreasonable.

If the roles were reversed, and it was your third and his first, would you happily keep your existing 2yo and 3yo at arms length for a couple of weeks?

Something tells me that if the ex had a new baby that the Ops DP wouldn't be offering to take the other kids for extra days and nights either.

confusedaboutclothes · 14/12/2023 18:19

I think you’re getting a really hard time here - people are acting like you’ve said you want nothing to do with the stepkids now you’ve got a baby.

I think you’re entitled to have at least a week to compose yourself - let’s face it, if you had 2 of your own children at home you’d have family helping you with them, so what’s the difference here?

It’s nothing to do with not wanting them to be a part of the family, and it’s rubbish people saying ‘don’t get with man who has kids then’ because that doesn’t mean she’s not entitled to a change of routine for a week in these circumstances!

Not really sure how it’s relevant what ages the step children are either, why does it matter if she got pregnant when the children were young?

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 18:20

Again @funinthesun19 ...you're right, the op shouldn't have to...but...the FATHER should. Not the mother. So so much internalised misogyny about. So many posters on this thread, who blame the ex for everything, rather than looking at the actual problem, their boyfriends.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2023 18:20

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 16:10

Make appropriate plans for support and childcare because they know they’ll need it. OP didn’t know they’d need it because suddenly the children were there 4x more than they were supposed to be.

Show quote history

I didn't do childcare when my DGC no 3 arrived as parents didn't want anyone to feel pushed out. Other practical help was offered but dad was very hands on

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:21

Panaa · 14/12/2023 17:45

The ex doesn't sound difficult though. The OP has just got it in her head that she is and that she pawns the kids off at every opportunity.

They have the kids for 4 partial days and one overnight a week so the mother has them 3 full days, 4 partial days and 6 overnights but according to the OP it's almost a perfect 50/50 split.

Show quote history

DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born sounds pretty difficult to me.

Plus she told people OP was pregnant before OP was ready for people to know.

Plus admitting she's jealous.

Plus making other plans when it's supposed to be her time with the kids and kicking off if OP and her partner don't make with the childcare.

As I say, she sounds pretty difficult to me.

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 18:21

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2023 18:20

Again @funinthesun19 ...you're right, the op shouldn't have to...but...the FATHER should. Not the mother. So so much internalised misogyny about. So many posters on this thread, who blame the ex for everything, rather than looking at the actual problem, their boyfriends.

100%

OkayScooby · 14/12/2023 18:22

Was ex pregnant or just given birth when they split up, op?
Similar to your situation now, maybe?
I am surprised you don't have more empathy.

misssunshine4040 · 14/12/2023 18:22

Your feelings are not unreasonable and expected but if you have step children then they come as usual and you adapt.
You are one big family

Smellyscalp · 14/12/2023 18:23

YANBU. One day would be enough for them to meet their little sister. Then DH could've just gone over his exes house to see them to give you some space for a week at least, or he could have just done the school run or something. At 3 and 4 they are unlikely to feel pushed out over just one week.

I'm in a 'nuclear' (hate that word) family and I sent my oldest to stay with GPs for the first few days after a traumatic birth. They survived!

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:23

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 16:19

Imagine a post from the ex wife's perspective

"My ex husband had an affair 2 years ago and left, leaving me with a 2 and 1 year old toddlers. He and his new partner (the OW) have just had a new baby. I didn't know about it until my ex BIL told me, IMO my ex should have told our dc first. They still had dc over for dinner like normal a few days later. I was away with work and got stuck in traffic, my mum was supposed to help too but she was unwell, my ex doesn't believe me though. He is giving me a hard time because he had to have the kids for 4 nights. I however usually have them 6 nights a week because ex only has them overnight 1 night a week - I am exhausted and never get a break from them as I am either working or looking after the kids. He says that they were badly behaved around the baby too. AIBU"

Good luck with the career in fiction @cadburyegg .

FestiveFruitloop · 14/12/2023 18:24

misssunshine4040 · 14/12/2023 18:22

Your feelings are not unreasonable and expected but if you have step children then they come as usual and you adapt.
You are one big family

A bit of flexibility right after a new baby is born is not a lot for OP to ask.

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