Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

[cantsleepinbed]

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

This is absolutely spot on. Go with the child you know, not the adult who doesn't know your child. If you see what I mean?

It’s the right thing but it doesn’t have to always be that way. My ASD daughter I never thought would be front and centre stage, this Christmas she was. Which is incredible because she wouldn’t have even been able to tolerate being in the room with everything going on when she started school.

@cantsleepinbed

Well isn't it lucky you have a world famous expert amongst your family! Eh?

At no point did you acknowledge that. You just continued to shout.

Rather than not build resilience surely what you are teaching him is that you and school are safe and will support him. Next time he might want to step out of his comfort zone because he knows that you and his teacher will support him if he fails or if he loses his nerve. Slowly his confidence might build.

No, I think you are doing what’s best for your son. Your relative is not in your shoes. You know him best. My son was exactly the same at this age. He used to stand at the back & join in as little as possible as he absolutely hated it. Fast forward to now - he is 15 and going through an ASD diagnosis. He’s masked his whole childhood because he felt forced into things he hated. Let him be who he is. You are doing what’s right for him.

I wish I’d taken my DD out of the reception nativity. I still remember how petrified and uncomfortable she was and if I hadn’t been sat in the middle of a row I would’ve taken her off the stage during the performance. By KS2 her confidence had grown and she loved participating in assemblies and other shows but I’ll never forget how awful it was for her that first year. You did the right thing.

Honestly, if your ds is autistic and dealing with a nt world on a daily basis he is already developing resilience by yhe bucket load. Not forcing him to do something beyond his capabilities is what's known as a "reasonable adjustment" for his disability.

And even if he's not disabled - he's 5. He may grow out his dislike of the limelight or you may have to accept that a life in the performing arts is not for him.

I disagree. DS1 despises performing and so does the tech side of things (he’s 7, clicks through the PowerPoint for assembly etc). If you don’t ask you don’t get tbh and he loves this role. Equally I let him not do nativities and that reassured him that we’re on his side and happy to advocate for his needs. He’s a happy boy with loads of friends and a normal amount of confidence - outside of performing! (I am a singing teacher and my second son is a very very confident performer so I do understand the benefits of performing 😄)

I had all that with my oldest autistic son. My in laws constantly belittled every little thing me or my husband did to make his life easier, seeming to think he should just fall in line with everyone else and don't be autistic basically. My youngest is worse than my oldest in his behaviours and struggles and I don't talk to my MIL at all about it as she knows naff all (the last comment she made was "if you pander to him won't it make his autism worse?) Ffs!!

Nativity playa are not life saving. They are not vaccines against hardship or cancer. You advocate for your child. How amazing. Your kid knows he can trust you to fight his corner. There will be thousands of opportunities to build resilience. Well done

I was forced to do a nativity I was terrified of, froze completely during the entire play and got screamed at by my parents for embarrassing them all the way home. Surprisingly, this did not help me in the long run! I think you did the right thing, well done for advocating for your child.

I look back on the one Nativity play I had to participate in without affection - I was bullied badly at the school anyway and the (v offensive btw) decision that because I had Irish parents I should be dressed in Welsh costume, so that
the other children decided I was a witch (this was ca 1965, witches had not become acceptable) did nothing to help matters. Being bullied and forced to participate in pointless activities and conform to random standards does not build resilience - more likely to trigger breakdown.

There are things that matter - health management, school learning, polite interaction with others - and things that don't. School plays are in the 'don't' category.

I'm always so glad my family moved back to Ireland, so that I finished school in a place were people were allowed to be individual and quirky, not expected to conform to some kind of caste uniformity. Some posters on here are talking as though the child was an army recruit.

You did the right thing and in future, don't tell your relative about such issues. They have no real understanding.

No it’s a disability. But like all disabilities the family will have to learn to change and adapt in order to support him. That is the lifestyle Brenda is talking about, not the disability itself. Perfectly clear if you bother to read it and understand.

Definitely did the right thing. Ignore your relative - sounds like they have no idea what SEND entails.

I’m not sure if your child is ND or if they are an anxious personality but Neutotypical, because the latter situation would suggest that some coaxing/ coaching / persistence may need to happen at some point.

fundamentally, your child now knows that you and his teachers are his side. He has experienced support and he was allowed to release the pressure. I don’t agree with your relative. Forcing him into something he is already anxious about, would have created such an unhappy association - making future situations even more dreadful. He’s 5. Hopefully, at some point when he is ready and supported as well as prepared, he will take big steps . Just not yet.

This! And, if he has special needs, he'll need more resilience than most - not less!

you were right, if it’s an anxiety problem it needs to be dealt with gradually, if it’s ASD it needs to be supported and helped. He’s 5, there’s lots of time to deal with both, please give yourselves a clap for getting through the first term, tick! x

Take away their wheelchair, they will just rely on it!
How will a deaf child learn to speak if you let them sign!
Don’t have a reader for a dyslexic child in an exam, they need to practice reading more than most!
They’re bound to be bullied more in life so they need to get used to it.
Let him fail, he needs to build resilience to failure more than others - not less!

Yup, because that's exactly what I meant! 🙄

Just to put your mind at rest my 2 DC have ASD. They have had their needs met like your DS. They both have good friends.

They develop the skills at their own pace. They learn no skills by being frightened and only lose trust that their parents/teachers will look after them. This is awful advice!

@Jumpingthruhoops

This! And, if he has special needs, he'll need more resilience than most - not less!

Yeah sure, pesky disabled people and their lack of resilience

But a child with sensory issues must learn to be resilient to them? A child with anxiety must somehow just overcome this? A child who requires consistency due to autism must just cope with change? What you are suggesting for an autistic child is just the same as telling a dyslexic child to just try harder at reading or a child with cerebral palsy they need to build resilience in walking.