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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

368 replies

cantsleepinbed · 13/12/2023 09:11

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

OP posts:
SpeedyDrama · 13/12/2023 13:41

@oakleaffy well, good to know that my severely autistic six year old who doesn’t have the capacity to dress himself, speak conversationally and is cognitively still a toddler has gained the understanding of manipulation to getting out of singing Away in a Manger as he just missed being in yet another school nativity. Perhaps this is a skill set of its own 🤔.

semideponent · 13/12/2023 13:48

I think we expect a huge amount from our little ones under the guise of the nativity play. We make children act out what we can't connect with in our own lives. No wonder they feel the stress. They're young!

Regarding your relative, I think they've made a misplaced challenge. If a child is ASD, then some kind of thought about appropriate developmental challenges for them will be needed in time, with support, post diagnosis. The nativity play pre-diagnosis isn't the place for this.

JustAGirlScotland · 13/12/2023 13:48

@cantsleepinbed

My son (who has been diagnosed with ASD) was exactly like this also. Getting him to go to any sort of "special event" was a NIGHTMARE (world book day, Christmas parties, friends birthday parties, Halloween etc).

I spoke to a child psychologist who specialises in children with autism about it and she gave me the most amazing advice. She said, "To reduce stress and anxiety give him an escape route". Obviously I had to discuss this with his teacher first and she agreed. At school we agreed that he would go along to any event and, if feeling really stressed, would ask to go to the school office (just to sit in the waiting area) and he would be allowed to do so. OMG the difference! He happily went into school with no problem! He never actually asked his teacher to go to the office as the events were obviously fun - which he realised after initially going along!

With friends birthday parties - I said "Give X their card and gift then we can leave if you want" - again he never actually wanted to leave!

Honestly this simple piece of advice was life changing for us. My son played a main role in his year 6 school play and his reception teacher was in tears as she couldn't believe the difference in him.

Usernumber3736372836373 · 13/12/2023 13:54

I think you did the right thing op. I have two with SEN, my oldest is autistic he found plays really hard in primary school but as he got older things got a little easier. I think he did one or two plays throughout primary and that was just doing his small part and leaving the hall. But I’ve learnt whatever makes them happier, don’t force things like plays, sports days etc.

Christmas is a challenging time for SEN children

I wad relieved when DD was told that their year group wasn’t doing a play this year. She isn’t diagnosed with autism but I’m pretty sure she’s autistic like he brother.

I get what it’s like with relatives. They don’t seem to understand.

I was once told my son should be forced to wear fancy dress to an event as he will never get used to it but why would a child/adult ever need to wear fancy dress if they didn’t want to??

mimiku · 13/12/2023 14:18

YANBU. I absolutely agree that kids shouldn’t be allowed to opt out of everything that makes them feel uncomfortable, particularly for things we all have to do, but this is nowhere near a necessity, performing a nativity isn’t even close to a normal every day situation that you might think “well they might not like but they’ll need to get used to it”. Schools happy, you’re happy, DS is happy, everyone’s happy. relative can keep their nose out.

BeReadySoon · 13/12/2023 14:25

You did the right thing OP. I'm late diagnosed autistic (age 45 in 2022). All my life I've pushed myself to do things that were expected of me. It's caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety along the way, as well as feeling a failure for not being able to do some things that others seem to manage so very easily. Now I have a better understanding of the way I'm made, I'm so much kinder to myself and allow myself 'reasonable adjustments' when needed. It was only a nativity, at the end of the day it really doesn't matter if your son was in it or not, and certainly not worth putting him under extreme stress to be there. As with all parenting, we need to learn to pick our battles. This certainly wasn't something your son needed to or should have been forced to do, well done for standing up for him.

FluffyDiplodocus · 13/12/2023 14:28

My son is the same age with ASD and I’d have made the same judgement call. I am very hardline on basic expectations things with school (going to school, doing homework, being polite to staff). I will die on those hills every time, we had a two hour stand off about homework this weekend for example, but the homework got done! Optional extras aren’t the battles I will go for, he has a concert next week and I’ve already emailed his music teacher to say we’ll be led by him, I’d really love to see him perform but he enjoys learning an instrument and that’s the reason I pay for lessons, not seeing him in a concert. I think resilience and knowing there are expectations to meet IS important, but not for things that will cause stress and are non essential.

doitalonee · 13/12/2023 14:30

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

@Crababbles he’s 5!

@cantsleepinbed I was a VERY shy child (I realise not the same as your child), but I am now in a job that requires lots of confidence and management… age 5 doesn’t matter at all as long as he’s happy IMO

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 14:37

@FluffyDiplodocus

You had a 2 hour stand off with a 5 year old about homework? Sad

Ohnoooooooo · 13/12/2023 14:39

I am neurodiverse and my children are neurodiverse - sorry I disagree with others. You are setting him up for if he doesn’t want to do something he thinks it’s ok to opt out - much better to teach him to express his concerns and work out how he can participate in a way he feels comfortable.

Sirzy · 13/12/2023 14:42

Ohnoooooooo · 13/12/2023 14:39

I am neurodiverse and my children are neurodiverse - sorry I disagree with others. You are setting him up for if he doesn’t want to do something he thinks it’s ok to opt out - much better to teach him to express his concerns and work out how he can participate in a way he feels comfortable.

But there won’t always be a way he feels comfortable. It is fine to say “actually I don’t want to do that” for things that in the grand scheme of things don’t matter at all.

teaching children it’s ok to have boundaries and that they will be listened to isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes things need to be done but others there is no problem with sitting it out.

IGotItFromAgnes · 13/12/2023 14:43

Ohnoooooooo · 13/12/2023 14:39

I am neurodiverse and my children are neurodiverse - sorry I disagree with others. You are setting him up for if he doesn’t want to do something he thinks it’s ok to opt out - much better to teach him to express his concerns and work out how he can participate in a way he feels comfortable.

She didn’t let him opt out of going to school, though, and surely that’s the most important thing?

Also, sometimes there is just no way someone can participate in something, however many adjustments are made (I don’t go to large scale work events for that reason)

amylou8 · 13/12/2023 14:45

I'm in two minds about this. I'm ASD and demand avoidant. I was at school in the 80s when it wasn't a thing, especially for a bright girl. I masked well and was just a bit quirky. My mum was a very strong parent and I was never allowed to avoid anything. Had she been softer I don't think I'd have developed the resilience that I needed to navigate life as a ND person as well as I have. I would have opted out of everything that made me uncomfortable. Yes he's only 5, yes it's only a nativity play, but I think you're perhaps setting a dangerous precedent.

FluffyDiplodocus · 13/12/2023 14:46

@beautifullittletree Yep. Not in any form of aggressive way or being unkind, but I told him he wasn’t playing on the switch until homework was done. And I held my ground with it, because that’s the lesson I want him to learn here, we do our homework and then we get to do the fun stuff.

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 14:50

FluffyDiplodocus · 13/12/2023 14:46

@beautifullittletree Yep. Not in any form of aggressive way or being unkind, but I told him he wasn’t playing on the switch until homework was done. And I held my ground with it, because that’s the lesson I want him to learn here, we do our homework and then we get to do the fun stuff.

Edited

Ok that's not what I envisioned when you said standoff Blush

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 14:52

amylou8 · 13/12/2023 14:45

I'm in two minds about this. I'm ASD and demand avoidant. I was at school in the 80s when it wasn't a thing, especially for a bright girl. I masked well and was just a bit quirky. My mum was a very strong parent and I was never allowed to avoid anything. Had she been softer I don't think I'd have developed the resilience that I needed to navigate life as a ND person as well as I have. I would have opted out of everything that made me uncomfortable. Yes he's only 5, yes it's only a nativity play, but I think you're perhaps setting a dangerous precedent.

On the other side of the coin I was in my 40s before I realised I could opt out of many things that make me feel uncomfortable. It's been life changing.

ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 14:53

I would agree with your relative if the child is just shy or trying to get their own way but as you mention an assessment for something potentially being wrong with him, then I think you did the right thing under the circumstances.

Jacfrost · 13/12/2023 14:55

ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 14:53

I would agree with your relative if the child is just shy or trying to get their own way but as you mention an assessment for something potentially being wrong with him, then I think you did the right thing under the circumstances.

Can we please not describe neurodivergent people as something "being wrong" with them

HideTheCroissants · 13/12/2023 14:56

rubyslippers · 13/12/2023 09:12

Your relative has no empathy or understanding for your child and their needs
You did the right thing

^this

As the mother of a child with autism there are some things you DO have to push them to do (like brush their teeth or go to the dentist) but being on stage in a play is NOT an essential part of life.

Jacfrost · 13/12/2023 14:58

amylou8 · 13/12/2023 14:45

I'm in two minds about this. I'm ASD and demand avoidant. I was at school in the 80s when it wasn't a thing, especially for a bright girl. I masked well and was just a bit quirky. My mum was a very strong parent and I was never allowed to avoid anything. Had she been softer I don't think I'd have developed the resilience that I needed to navigate life as a ND person as well as I have. I would have opted out of everything that made me uncomfortable. Yes he's only 5, yes it's only a nativity play, but I think you're perhaps setting a dangerous precedent.

I think you've been really lucky not to experience autistic burnout or mental health problems as a result of always having to mask and put yourself in uncomfortable situations tbh. That's a risk I'd rather not take with my child

Radiat · 13/12/2023 15:04

I had to do the same when my child was 4. She was just too nervous to go on stage, no big deal, she sat it out. In time she gained enough confidence to do it, and she’s chosen to do speaking parts now too. I really don’t think missing a nativity because of nerves is going to have long lasting consequences.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 13/12/2023 15:12

Of course you did the right thing. You know your child best and it’s really nobody else’s business. Forcing children to do something they are really uncomfortable with is a slippery slope and will only lead to more issues in the future. Gentle guidance and support is definitely the way.

pastypirate · 13/12/2023 15:13

Well the Xmas play is once a year - not every day so don't sweat that one!

One thing kids sally need from their parents is to know the adult has got their back and will flex it sometimes - that's how you make kids feel safe x

BettyBakesCakes · 13/12/2023 15:18

I feel like your family member is also on this post op 😂

BettyBakesCakes · 13/12/2023 15:19

And I agree you made the right decision. Better he's in school than at home too anxious to go in at all.