Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

[cantsleepinbed]

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

Neuro divergent family here. Mine is three years older but the lead-up to the Christmas play has been hellish this year. Crying before bed, crying in the morning, school refusal, waking up anxious and upset in the night. All because of the play.

I will not force a kid to do it. No iimportant part or anything, just doesn't want to be in front of all the adults. Forcing a child out of their comfort zone won't magically instil confidence. Listening to them and taking them seriously will do more in that area. Of course it's not ideal, but kids aren't all cookie cutter human robots. Mine struggles to show the real feelings and upset at school, so they think it's all fine... Do what you feel is best.

Anxiety is an absolutely horrible feeling. It is the worst.

You listened to your DS. He was happy with the outcome. You saved him anxiety.

You sound like a really nice mum. Until you find out what is going on with your little sweet boy, I wouldn't be making him do things that cause him stress.

I think the starting point is to wait for the assessment in January and not put him under any pressure until OP knows the outcome. How she plans to help with his confidence and social skills will depend a lot on that. If you don’t know fully what you’re dealing with you don’t know whether you’re helping or harming.

Go with your gut, you know what he can do and what he can´t. My daughter is NT, also 5, she is in the nativity next week, as little red riding hood (I know!!!). She seems to be fine with it. But mention the school farm she has been to twice, when 3 and 4 and she gets really upset. She tells me there are statues of gnomes and she is scared stiff of them and doesnt want to go. It is in February next, she has started asking about other outings, I suppose in fear they could be the same. So, when the time comes to pay for the outing I will ask her and if she doesn´t want to go on that specific one, she won´t . That is my decision, I know her best, and sometimes you have to trust your instinct. The last thing i want is for her to refuse all outings and activities. This will be multiplied in a kid with autism or asd. So well done. Ignore busybodies.

Honestly, I wouldn't be posting on AIBU about a child with special needs struggling with something. Your relative clearly has no understanding of the struggles your child faces now and will face in the future. You made the right call.

If he'd refused to sit with the rest of his class at the panto I'd have told him he couldn't go then. You are facilitating him being treated differently to other DC a lot. It's not just a one off. It's easier for him to learn when he's small. Now you have created a precedent for opting out hell just continue to want to do it all the time. You are not helping him learn the social skills he will need.

Even as adults it’s a life long process to judge when you need to move out of your comfort zone and when you need to protect boundaries. Hence many threads on the relationships board and AIBU.

You did the right thing. I’ve pushed back against a relative who expected DS to play his musical instrument for them. He’s ok now (teen) and will play occasionally, but wouldn’t until recently. No GP is entitled to demand a concert from a child.

In your case, your relative needs to butt out. Slowly and steadily is the way to build resilience, not being expected to perform or take part in something that is very stressful.

I can't see the problem.
Some kids cannot stand being on stage and no child should be forced to do it if they don't want to.
You encouraged him to try, and he gave it a go, but when it came to the performance day it was too much for him. That's fine.
I don't think you're "othering" him by not forcing him to do things, so long as you encourage him to give things a go.
One thing to be generally cautious of though is making sure he doesn't actively avoid "ordinary" things he doesn't like; that won't help him in the long run.
Kids (and adults!) do need to do things that make them a little nervous or anxious sometimes, otherwise you can end up with avoidance behaviours - which only make anxiety worse in the long run.
Yes, mitigate for the anxiety and encourage him to always try things; no don't force him to do things. But there are ways to ensure he learns new skills in a way that pushes him out of his comfort zone in a safe way.

Did you miss that he’s awaiting assessment for ASD ? OP hasn’t created any precedent at all - she’s just trying to do the best she can until she knows what she’s dealing with and gets proper advice going forward. Personally comments like these are the reason I wouldn’t post on AIBU about this kind of issue. Too many posters ignoring the reason for the OP so they can go straight to judgment.

You did the right thing OP 😊💕

I realise that the OP's child is ND. However I don't think that is particularly relevant to the situation. There are things that children should be allowed to say no to. They are allowed preferences. Saying no to a part in a play when it has no impact on anyone else is one of those things. Regardless of neurological status.

I disagree, @Crababbles. I think that @cantsleepinbed has shown her son that, if he really cannot face doing something, she will advocate for him, so he doesn't have to do it - and knowing he has an escape route in the future could make him more willing to try things, not less.

It's like when you go to a party you really aren't sure you want to go to, but you drive yourself there and don't drink so that, if things get too much, you know you can just go home. Knowing that may make you more relaxed, so you actually enjoy the party - if that makes any sense.

You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Rubbish.

The more my parents and school let me pull out of nativities, sports days etc. The more I understood how they all had my back and would support me no matter what. Knowing this helped my confidence grow to give it a go, which in turn improved my resilience.

He is 5 plenty of time to build confidence and resilience in a way that works for him.

My ASD child does lots of things that put her outside of her comfort zone. She basically does that all day every day at school.

there are other things that are so painful for her that her desire to avoid them needs to be respected.

You did the right thing.

You got him to school which is the main thing, once there they usually change their minds.

My only advice would be to be careful you don’t make a rod for your own back.
My DD has ASD and awful anxiety and sometimes I wish I pushed her more as when she has to do things, it can be a challenge.

I would recommend as he gets older to suggest he sits in the audience or compromise some other way, so you are listening to his anxieties but not making them worse by letting him pull out of anything that makes him uncomfortable.

You did the right thing. My son spent his nativity play sat on my lap in the audience when he was your son's age. He's now 15 and still waiting for an autism diagnosis but that's another story.

You did the right thing. Your relative needs to not put their oar in.

They found an acceptable compromise - to sit with the children in the class not taking part.

What nonsense.

He's five. Plenty of time to build those skills as he grows.

Sounds like you've done exactly the right thing for your son.

You’re not unreasonable at all. The ones who have no understanding of ASD are out in force on this thread. Sometimes a child with autism simply cannot and may never be able to partake in typical (‘normal’ 🤮) social experiences such as a nativity. And it’s not us parents being ‘precious’ or causing our kids to be anxiety ridden snowflakes, it’s us being great parents who recognise where their lines of coping are.

I for one won’t make my autistic child feel fear or upset just to please strangers (or even family members) who think that the ‘suck it up’ mentality somehow cures autistic traits. Call us all the names you want but recognising what debilitates my child and preventing foreseen meltdowns is always my priority.

Oh op I feel for him! You did the right thing!!! I remember being the exact same as a little kid and also sitting out the nativity!!! The relief of not having to do it!!! He has all the time in the world to be involved in these things if he so wishes!!!