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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting a break after working all year

384 replies

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:48

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

OP posts:
Heidi75 · 13/12/2023 17:25

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:53

I just want honest options if I am in the wrong. I know I am not the most present father but I do love my kids.

If you need to ask if you are in the wrong, then there is very little hope for your relationship with your children. OF COURSE YOU ARE WRONG! You get a break from childcare for the vast majority of the year.

Inmydreams88 · 13/12/2023 17:30

YABU, They are your kids, not work. You get a break from WORK after working all year. But you can't take a break from your children. They are your responsibility. After being away for so long how could you possibly not want to spend every second with them? You can spend time with your GF after your children have gone to bed.

Heidi75 · 13/12/2023 17:30

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 17:19

I paid for ex to take the children away on holiday. I do not see how it is unreasonable for me to have a holiday too.

I will make arrangement to see the kids a few days weekly as suggested.

Edited

Your ex did not get a holiday away from the children, she did everything she usually does with them in a different location, you don't have to do any of it for most of the year, you also went on holiday with your girlfriend but now after a measly 2 weeks of seeing the children, you think you deserve a holiday away without them. Just listen to yourself and understand how selfish that is, do the decent thing and take the kids away for a few days and give your ex a real break too, the same break you get for 99% of the year!

Ickthyosaur · 13/12/2023 17:40

Your warm feelings about your kids are pretty meaningless to them if you are not actually there reliably doing the grunt work that they need to be safe, happy and well looked after. Love is an action not just a feeling. It’s easy to love someone from a distance when you just get to appreciate the nice moments of your choosing. Kids need someone who will support them in their not-so-nice moments and who they can trust to be there for them unconditionally and always have their best interests foremost in mind. You might feel love towards them but so what if you are not showing any consideration towards their needs, just your own comfort and pleasure? What is that love worth to them?

Not surprised you are an ex.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/12/2023 17:41

How about you just continue to financially support and hope that your ex finds a new partner who can be a decent father figure to your children. Unless you seriously change your attitude towards them then you are just going to let them down and feel unwanted.

Madwife3006 · 13/12/2023 17:47

Yep. You’re being unreasonable. Full time parents don’t get breaks from their kids!
Your ex is the one who needs the break I’d say as she’s the one doing the vast majority of the day to day care.
Just because she’s not working outside the home, I can guarantee you she’s exhausted running a household on her own.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 17:50

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 17:19

I paid for ex to take the children away on holiday. I do not see how it is unreasonable for me to have a holiday too.

I will make arrangement to see the kids a few days weekly as suggested.

Edited

Jesus wept! Your girlfriend has got herself a Prince among men hasn't she?

I hope to god she doesn't want kids.
You go on holiday with your girlfriend for a carefree few weeks. Instraf of taking the opportunity to actually see your kids. Your wife goes on holiday with the kids, so no actual break and you think you are entitled to your break.

Let's not forget that you claimed to have worked all year and absolutely need a break. But turns out you already had a break for a few weeks.

So which kind of liar are you? Troll that enjoys pretending to be the worst kind of person. Or a liar, that can't keep up their lies? Or someone who is so weak they can't admit how awful of a parent they are, so lie to try and make themselves look better.

Would love to know what lies you have told your wife and girlfriend. Let's hope they don't get in touch with eachother.

25kt11 · 13/12/2023 17:56

You are in the wrong.

Humannat · 13/12/2023 18:07

You’re ’trying to be decent’ but instead are being entitled.

Just 5 days a week constantly on call is more than 100hours?

if she asked that you have the children on weekends and to reduce your work week by 50 hours , so she could work 50 hours. Would you personally be better or worse off? We know she would be in an emotionally better position. The ‘ she gets to not work’ really isn’t this fun carefree activity you and a handful of commenters seem to think it is.

how does this current set up impact her future prospects?

S251 · 13/12/2023 18:09

My husband works 100 hour weeks but when he does have spare time that’s family time or looking after our little boy for me to have a break. Your literally answering your own questions with the more information your giving. You clearly have no intention of prioritising your children over your new shiny girlfriend.

meeplesmarples · 13/12/2023 18:09

...you do know it's not a holiday for her if she's having to still be a full time parent though? You just allowed them to change their location while she's still parenting full time.

Unless you're taking your kids away on holiday, YABU.

Sj07 · 13/12/2023 18:10

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend time with your family (parents, siblings or whatever) and your girlfriend while you're in the country and also spend time with your children. Have you asked the kids what they want to do? Maybe your kids would really enjoy their dad taking them to school or picking them up for a change. Totally understand this is a holiday for you, away from working so many hours.. However, these are your children and they aren't little for very long. If you don't make the effort now, they won't when they're older. Drop off and pick up shouldn't take up a whole day, I'm sure your girlfriend will understand that you don't get to spend much time with your children and would encourage you to make the most of the time you have with them.

S251 · 13/12/2023 18:12

TomatoSandwiches · Yesterday 23:19

You know where they live so why are you not staying locally when back in the UK so you can make the most of your time here with your children?

Because his trip clearly isn’t about visiting his children it’s a “break” with his new girlfriend and for her to meet his family.

Merryoldgoat · 13/12/2023 18:17

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 17:19

I paid for ex to take the children away on holiday. I do not see how it is unreasonable for me to have a holiday too.

I will make arrangement to see the kids a few days weekly as suggested.

Edited

If you can’t see the difference then no one here can help you.

Your ex gets a holiday alone with the children and zero downtime.

You get a luxurious holiday with your new girlfriend and can play at being responsibility free.

You utter pillock.

MarvellousMonsters · 13/12/2023 18:23

CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2023 23:03

Im taking annual leave over Christmas too, OP. As a full time working single parent I think it's bloody outrageous that I'm still expected to parent on my time off from work. Fucking fuming I am. Where do we complain?

That depends, Candy are you a female or male lone parent? If you're male you can ask for a break and revel in your sainthood, if you're female then I'm afraid you just have to suck it up and get on with it, scummy single mum, shouldn't have had kids if you can't afford to feed them, or some other bullshit like that. Hmm

Mindyaownbeeswax · 13/12/2023 18:24

My mind is blown.
Your ex gave up everything to raise the children single handed whilst you worked/shagged about away.
You 'let' her stay in the house and make sure she has money so she can continue to raise your children singlehandedly whilst you work/shag about.
She has no pension or career because it would be impossible. She is entirely reliant on you (which was no doubt the deal until you decided to break it) - what will she do when the children are grown and no workplace wants her on more than minimum wage?! No pension, no savings.
She never has a moment, never a holiday. She is literally on call 24/7/365. Yet you're tired and want a break. From what?? All those hot meals, uninterrupted nights sleeps and peeing alone?!

Why aren't you taking the children in your care for weeks when you're back?? Sleepovers and days where she can get away/have a break?

Get your act together and parent - we're all tired.

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 18:24

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 17:19

I paid for ex to take the children away on holiday. I do not see how it is unreasonable for me to have a holiday too.

I will make arrangement to see the kids a few days weekly as suggested.

Edited

What's unreasonable about it is your priorities.

Spending time with your children should be a higher priority to you than you going on holiday.

But it isn't.

That's the problem.

And it's the problem you refuse to see and will likely continue to refuse to see until you're old and needy and go looking for those children because you've reached a life stage where it's you that needs them.

And you'll wonder why they don't bother with you after all the money you sent.

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 18:26

They are young for such a short time. It goes by before you know it and you can never get it back.

They should be worth more to you than anything. Be the people at the top of your list. Be the ones you choose first.

Ask yourself, honestly, why they are not.

Don't answer on here. That is something for you and you alone to ponder.

FinallyDecided · 13/12/2023 18:28

One day your ex will be so grateful you did her the favour of leaving her. You are not a good man.

MarvellousMonsters · 13/12/2023 18:31

Mindyaownbeeswax · 13/12/2023 18:24

My mind is blown.
Your ex gave up everything to raise the children single handed whilst you worked/shagged about away.
You 'let' her stay in the house and make sure she has money so she can continue to raise your children singlehandedly whilst you work/shag about.
She has no pension or career because it would be impossible. She is entirely reliant on you (which was no doubt the deal until you decided to break it) - what will she do when the children are grown and no workplace wants her on more than minimum wage?! No pension, no savings.
She never has a moment, never a holiday. She is literally on call 24/7/365. Yet you're tired and want a break. From what?? All those hot meals, uninterrupted nights sleeps and peeing alone?!

Why aren't you taking the children in your care for weeks when you're back?? Sleepovers and days where she can get away/have a break?

Get your act together and parent - we're all tired.

mindyaown

"She has no pension or career because it would be impossible. She is entirely reliant on you (which was no doubt the deal until you decided to break it) - what will she do when the children are grown and no workplace wants her on more than minimum wage?! No pension, no savings."

I couldn't have put this better. She's literally devoted her life, now and in the future, to raising the children, so unless he agrees to spousal maintenance and to share his pension with her as part of the divorce settlement she is completely screwed. Let's all place bets on him thinking his responsibilities end when the children have turned 18....

NalafromtheLionKing · 13/12/2023 18:35

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 17:19

I paid for ex to take the children away on holiday. I do not see how it is unreasonable for me to have a holiday too.

I will make arrangement to see the kids a few days weekly as suggested.

Edited

Apologies, we all misread your post (it had sounded like you had chosen to run off with someone else and take a permanent holiday from your wife and kids). Of course you deserve a well earned break away from those pesky kids.

monsteramunch · 13/12/2023 19:10

I paid for ex to take the children away on holiday. I do not see how it is unreasonable for me to have a holiday too.

It's not. It's ridiculous of you to say you simply can't find more hours to spend with your children... while also admitting you found a 'few weeks' to have a holiday with your girlfriend.

It's not that you can't find more hours for them. You'd just rather spend the hours you do have spare on your girlfriend instead.

minipie · 13/12/2023 19:12

I paid for ex to take the children away on holiday. I do not see how it is unreasonable for me to have a holiday too.

But your ex’s holiday was with the kids and yours wasn’t. Can you really not see the difference?

Once again, you chose not to spend your free time with your children. You seem to think “I paid for xyz” excuses not seeing your kids.

monsteramunch · 13/12/2023 19:13

Oh and it's hilarious that you think a holiday with just your girlfriend is anything like a holiday as a solo parent with two primary aged kids. One is far, far more relaxing than the other... one allows you to switch off. The other doesn't. At all.

Sophsky · 13/12/2023 19:40

You sound exactly like my Dad. He threw money instead of time and genuine care at me my whole life. I haven't seen him in 12 years. If you don't love your kids don't pretend to yourself and them that you do, it'll be easier on everyone.