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AIBU?

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Original poster

For wanting a break after working all year

384 replies

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:48

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 13/12/2023 12:34

Every minute you are in the same country with your children should be spent with them.
They should be your priority over everything.
You are a shit father for even considering not spending every second you can with them whilst here.

meeplesmarples · 13/12/2023 12:35

Honestly, unless you're also funding childcare so your ex gets a break sometimes from being a full time mother, I think doing as much as you can in Jan is pretty much the least you can do for your kids. You signed up to be a father, and it's not the case that you can somehow buy your way out of those duties. Maybe your ex wants a break too, because she's burning out being a full time mother and doing all the admin that comes with having kids, plus coping with the emotional fallout from your affair and having to come to terms with a new future plan for what life will look like for her and the kids. Maybe she's even exhausted from havingt to cope with all the questions about why daddy isn't around much anymore and why doesn't he want to spend much time with us now. Maybe all that is not the case, but your priority sure doesn't seem to be your kids.

ohdamnitjanet · 13/12/2023 12:36

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:07

I know ex takes on a lot with the kids which is why I never complain about paying up. I want my kids to have a good lifestyle.

Relations with the ex are not great at present. I don’t think she will react well knowing girlfriend is flying out to meet my family, so I have not broached that subject with her yet.

Never complain about paying up? For your children? You’re a fucking saint, oh your lucky lucky gf.

Yesididntdothat · 13/12/2023 12:58

Presumably the ex will have a new partner at some point and hopefully he will be a decent dad to the kids.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/12/2023 13:03

As you see your girlfriend a lot more during the year then your priority for these 6 weeks is seeing your kids. That involves looking after them (doing normal activities like taking them to and from school, eating with them, putting them to bed etc) as well as fun activities/trips.
I think it would also be thoughtful to see if there are some evenings/days that your ex would like you to look after them to give her a break.

Gillypie23 · 13/12/2023 13:07

You should put your kids first so yes do it. What I cant understand is why you pay your ex wife not to work.

cassy16 · 13/12/2023 13:25

Your away the majority of the year excuse my language but why the f*ck would you not want to soak up every single second with your children that you can!!

disgusting!!

Chucklecheeks01 · 13/12/2023 13:31

Coolhwip · 12/12/2023 23:07

Which is why I’ve suggested he does 2/3 days a week.

But he does enable his ex to be a SAHM whilst he works, it would be different if ex was working and she needed help to juggle things.

OP also says he lives out of the area which makes it more difficult. It’s a shame he doesn’t want to do it.

Show quote history

No, mum enables him to be away for most of the year by being a stay at home mum.

Takenobull · 13/12/2023 13:51

I think you’ll find your ex doesn’t ever get a day of you d#%khead. Why the hell should you?

You don’t mind “paying up”? This has got to be a joke?? You pay for your children- not as a favour to you ex.

I'm not surprised it’s not amicable- you sound like a delight!!!

So basically you consider your ex’s role as doing nothing? Wrong!!
Your ex is bringing up your children while you’re absent. It’s a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year job. Even when they’re at school she’ll be keeping the house, meal planning, admin etc. god forbid she might squeeze in a gym session or episodes of something on TV in her lunchbreak.

Yes OP you’re completely unreasonable and need to have some counselling around your mindset on this. I feel sorry for your new GF. Please don’t breed again. You’re clearly stuck in the 1950’s!

Alicesmagicmushroom · 13/12/2023 14:06

Anyone wondering, if this isn’t a troll, why did you have kids with your wife as it didn’t seem to last very long before you had an affair.

Seems like an unhappy marriage from the outset but most likely OP is just a selfish arse.

Curlewwoohoo · 13/12/2023 14:08

Op you need to think about what you want your relationship with your kids to be like in 10, 15, 20yrs, and work back from that to see what you need to do now in order to get there. I think a good relationship with their mum factors in to that too.

ConsuelaHammock · 13/12/2023 14:18

Make your children your priority when you are home. Girlfriend fits around their plans/ school/ activities for 6 weeks. Actions speak louder than words or money. Be a good dad. They grow so quickly.

K4tM · 13/12/2023 14:42

You are being very, very unreasonable.

cassy16 · 13/12/2023 14:51

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:53

Because renting holiday accommodation is incredibly expensive so I split it with staying with family.

I spend most of my year in the states so seeing the girlfriend is easier. She can fly to the states I am in and see me on days off and vice versa. We had a holiday together this year too for a few weeks and our relationship is great. She is on board that I have children and we have discussed moving o the uk in the future to live within 2 hours of the children.

This!!!!!!

you went on holiday this year WITH your girlfriend for god sake, I’m really struggling to see how even think you have an argument here or why you’d want any less time with your children than you clearly already do

GreatGateauxsby · 13/12/2023 15:08

Let me guess...

You can afford to pack your orlebar brown swim trunks in your rimowa suitcase to go on your business class flight to a 5 star resort with your girlfriend

BUT you can't afford a studio apartment within a 15-20min drive of your kids for 4 weeks.

Okay. Cool story bro.

Like I said previously do everyone a favour and stop breeding. You aren't any good at it.

2mummies1baby · 13/12/2023 15:18

I let ex stay in the house with the children.

Gosh, how incredibly generous of you not to make your wife and very young children homeless after destroying your marriage by having an affair. 🙄

The fact that you are not desperate to spend as much time as possible with your children and to try to make some reparations to your ex says a hell of a lot about you.

Mamabear48 · 13/12/2023 16:06

Your prioritising your girlfriend over your children. Some selfish parent you are

NalafromtheLionKing · 13/12/2023 16:16

You sound like a really horrible husband and equally horrible father. Yes, you should try to make amends and are being asked for very little in the scheme of things. HTH

Holliepopp · 13/12/2023 16:51

You don’t want to know if you’re being unreasonable do you. You only want to hear what suits you cause everyone is telling you, you are being unreasonable and instead of accepting that you’re trying to justify it. You don’t love those kids or you wouldn’t be spending more time with your girlfriend than them

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 17:01

Imagine saying you hadn’t had time to come home to your kids all year. Whilst admitting you and a few weeks holiday and lots of visits and time with you me girlfriend.

Then saying ‘but I love them’. I really hope it’s a wind up.

Holliepopp · 13/12/2023 17:06

If you want to be a decent guy, do as suggested. Pick your kids up atleast half the week, spend time with your kids more than your girlfriend

Starzinsky · 13/12/2023 17:19

No wonder your divorced.

Holliepopp · 13/12/2023 17:19

How is having an affair not being unreasonable

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 17:19

I paid for ex to take the children away on holiday. I do not see how it is unreasonable for me to have a holiday too.

I will make arrangement to see the kids a few days weekly as suggested.

OP posts:
Nottodaty · 13/12/2023 17:25

That’s nice your planning to now take your children on holiday. Ohhhh reread that you feel you deserve a holiday ….right.

You didnt pay your ex-wife to have a holiday she just took the kids somewhere else but she still had to do EVERYTHING like she does at home on her own.