Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting a break after working all year

384 replies

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:48

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

OP posts:
minipie · 13/12/2023 10:47

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:43

i rent locally. It’s staying with family that is the distance.

I don’t understand. If you are renting near your kids why are you also staying with family? Surely you can visit family occasionally but spend most of the time in the place near your kids.

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:53

Because renting holiday accommodation is incredibly expensive so I split it with staying with family.

I spend most of my year in the states so seeing the girlfriend is easier. She can fly to the states I am in and see me on days off and vice versa. We had a holiday together this year too for a few weeks and our relationship is great. She is on board that I have children and we have discussed moving o the uk in the future to live within 2 hours of the children.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 10:55

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:43

i rent locally. It’s staying with family that is the distance.

Yes but as you said, the reason you are staying with family instead of in your rental, is so your family can meet the girlfriend. You can take her up there for a day and spend the rest near the children.
I just read all of your updates. 100+ hours a week are insane so no wonder you want to have a rest. I really would advise for everyone involved, you included, to re-think things? I really think the ex should be working when the kids are at school, especially if that means you can work less and spend more time with them.
Is there any way you can change your work so you're not constantly abroad?
I take it that because the exW doesn't know about the GF, she also doesn't know about the affair either? It might be worth not introducing the children to her yet; she'll work it out and maybe that will all be a bit much right now, for all concerned.

Am I correct in assuming that the reason you are staying with your family in January is because your gf is coming then, and you're trying to keep that separate? My advice is to re-think that and to spend January with your children whilst you think about things also.

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:58

ex knows about the affair and that we are now in a relationship. She understandably is angry and not encouraging of the relationship. She has not coped well with the separation.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 10:59

Just read your update. The holiday rental is expensive; understandable. What stands out to me is the crazy hours you work, having no homebase, so little time with children, and a fully funded life for the exW. I applaud you for providing for your family and appreciate you feel guilty, but this is one big confounding set of issues.

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 10:59

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:19

Not at all. I have a lot of respect for ex and all that she does. She is a great mum to the kids and very involved.

I simply do not have enough hours to juggle work, the girlfriend (she is American) and spending time with the kids. I guess something will have to change.

Well yes.

'the girlfriend'.
Obviously.

She's the one you make a point of travelling to see throughout the year. I'm sure she can cope with the trauma of you putting a solid week in taking care of your children and showing them through your actions that they are important to you.

She's a big girl. She'll be fine.

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 11:01

My income would be less than half if I worked in the UK. I have made it hard for ex to work I am
aware.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 11:03

Well you came here to ask if you were being unreasonable for not doing the stuff with the children in January, and I think you have your answer.

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 11:04

A lot of food for thought. Thank you.

OP posts:
minipie · 13/12/2023 11:06

If you work away and 100+ hour weeks and talk about being paid less than half if you worked in the Uk - I’m assuming you are very highly paid.

If so then just suck up the rental accommodation cost FFS and be near your kids. This should be top priority.

If you’re not all that highly paid then why are you doing this job which removes you from your children.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/12/2023 11:10

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:12

I do not think people often understand my schedule. I work 100 hour weeks and any days off I have are often spent sleeping and travelling.

So when you're back in the same country as your kids, you prioritise seeing them. Your poor kids, you do realise how they're going to feel about you (and your obvious lack of care for them) as they grow up?

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 11:44

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:53

Because renting holiday accommodation is incredibly expensive so I split it with staying with family.

I spend most of my year in the states so seeing the girlfriend is easier. She can fly to the states I am in and see me on days off and vice versa. We had a holiday together this year too for a few weeks and our relationship is great. She is on board that I have children and we have discussed moving o the uk in the future to live within 2 hours of the children.

I think you are taking the piss.

you manage plenty of time with your girlfriend. Including a holiday. And how much time with your kids? You work 100 hours a week and spend your days off sleeping and travelling. You have been doing that all year. But also manage to see plenty of your girlfriend and go on holiday with her?

She is on board with you having kids? What does that mean? Her life is not impacted by having kids. At all. Yours isn’t. Why wouldn’t she be on board? She actually has no idea what that means if you live in the UK and actually have to be a parent.

I guess you would probably move the other side of the UK? To keep the impact of your kids on the relationship to a minimum?

Not surprised the ex wife has taken it badly. You had an affair, have abandoned your children, do zero parenting while you spend all your free time with your new girlfriend. And when you are home, you are choosing to spend very little time with the kids.

I really hope you are on the wind up. I have never heard just a list of pathetic excuses, for being a poor parent, in my life

monsteramunch · 13/12/2023 12:14

I simply do not have enough hours to juggle work, the girlfriend (she is American) and spending time with the kids. I guess something will have to change.

And yet despite being so very busy and torn, you somehow found enough hours to have a 'few weeks' holiday with 'the girlfriend'.

But there aren't enough hours to give more to your children.

Funny that.

SoundTheSirens · 13/12/2023 12:15

MumsGoneToIceland · 13/12/2023 06:00

I certainly don’t think you should only be seeing the kids for only 2 out of the 6 weeks if that’s what you are planning, you should be spending quality time with them for some of each week you are there imo.

However re the school runs, is your ex asking you to do drop off and pick up every single day? If so, I don’t personally think that’s particularly fair, necessary or classed as quality time especially if you are not that local. Why not suggest pickups one week and drop offs another. That way you are seeing them each day, giving the ex some time off but also getting time to rest and do other things/see other people. Obviously if they are staying with you during the week, you should be doing both the. It’s not really clear what the arrangement is.

You do deserve a rest too and getting up early doors of your 6 weeks off every day is not particularly fair I don’t think, nor is that a particular time slot of the day for quality time I don’t think. Why not suggest 3 weeks of drop offs and 3 weeks of pick ups?

It wouldn't be every day of the OP's precious shagging leave because the one school age child (OP says the other hasn't started pre-school yet) will have Christmas holidays for 2-3 weeks. So we're talking roughly 50% of the time he's back.

I really hope this is a troll, but even if the OP is just aiming to get everyone frothing, it sounds like too many sad tales of dumped, cheated-on ex-wives only from the other side. So there will be plenty of discarded wives hoping for a bit of help with the kids while absent/Disney dad wants to prioritise getting his leg over with the woman he dumped his wife for instead.

ManateeFair · 13/12/2023 12:18

"A break" means a break from work. It doesn't mean a break from being a father.

ManateeFair · 13/12/2023 12:18

I simply do not have enough hours to juggle work, the girlfriend (she is American) and spending time with the kids

Which one is most important to you? Not the kids, presumably.

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 12:19

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:19

Not at all. I have a lot of respect for ex and all that she does. She is a great mum to the kids and very involved.

I simply do not have enough hours to juggle work, the girlfriend (she is American) and spending time with the kids. I guess something will have to change.

Then it sounds like you don't have time for a relationship.

I am a lone parent with completely no help from my ex. I don't have time for a relationship between work and parenting. That's how it is.

Kids come before a partner, always. If you can't see that then your priorities are wrong.

Topjoe19 · 13/12/2023 12:21

YABU. Put your kids first whilst you're back. It's honestly awful that you had to post here to ask.

BowlOfNoodles · 13/12/2023 12:27

To spend time with the girlfriend just let her know ( the ex) that you are not intrested in being a parent buy you will continue to support financially

Mamma1982 · 13/12/2023 12:29

I can see viewpoints from all perspectives (yours, your wife's, your children's & your gf) and can give you advice on it all if you would like.

I think you've had very fair feedback given to you from everyone on MN.

I have 3 young children aged 4 and under. I am married but have been a SAHM which is extremely hard work and I now work full time which is also hard work.

If you want to private message me I can give you an honest perspective of what caring for your children is like, day in and day out, for your wife vs what your life is currently like.

I can also help you think about how you would like your life to look living back in the UK if you were able to afford it and how that would look for you and your gf if you're still together.

It's all about compromise. Your children do need you and you have to be realistic about if you really want them in your life and what that looks like going forward. The worst thing you can do for them, is give them snippets of your time, as they will resent you forever. Especially, when they grow up to learn how you hurt their mother too.

You can turn all this around if you're willing to but you have to be honest if you really want too? Did you ever really want children? Are they better off with you in their lives or without you but financially supporting them from afar which is what you've been doing so far by the sounds of it. A lot to think about and you really do need some honest straight talk looking at all perspectives.

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 12:29

monsteramunch · 13/12/2023 12:14

I simply do not have enough hours to juggle work, the girlfriend (she is American) and spending time with the kids. I guess something will have to change.

And yet despite being so very busy and torn, you somehow found enough hours to have a 'few weeks' holiday with 'the girlfriend'.

But there aren't enough hours to give more to your children.

Funny that.

Indeed.

Ime, people find time for things that matter most to them and how someone allocates their time tells you more than their words ever will.

ohdamnitjanet · 13/12/2023 12:32

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:53

I just want honest options if I am in the wrong. I know I am not the most present father but I do love my kids.

You don’t love them as much as you think if you aren’t desperate to spend every second you can with them for this very short window of time. Don’t think when they’re older they won’t work out they are second best to whatever gf is around and resent you for it.

ohdamnitjanet · 13/12/2023 12:32

Ravenclaw101 · 12/12/2023 22:50

Oh this is going to go well.

😆 😆 😆

minipie · 13/12/2023 12:33

To be frank it seems like now is a point in your life where you have to

a) decide you’re ok with being a crap father and continue to live as you have done, prioritising work and girlfriend over kids

or

b) decide to try to be a decent father and make up for the damage you’ve done to your kids so far. This would involve at the bare minimum spending this 6 week period seeing as much as you can of your kids, renting near them etc (I don’t believe you can’t afford it). It might well also involve seeing less of your GF and more of your kids throughout the year and even looking at a change of job to be UK based. Not in 2 years’ time and not 2 hours away from them.

The whole I work away so they can have a good life doesn’t wash - not when it means you barely see them, it seemingly doesn’t pay enough for you to rent near them and when you’ve ended up breaking up their family as a result. I know men with your type of career - they don’t do it because it’s great for their family, they do it because they are work obsessives and their whole ego is bound up in their job.

Sorry to be ranting but this has made me really angry. I really hope you sort out your priorities before it’s too late for your relationship with your kids.

Saza123 · 13/12/2023 12:33

Yep you’re definitely being unreasonable. With you saying you work away a lot this means all the parenting by default falls to your ex. This means all the getting up in the nights, every day and every weekend it’s 24/7 and relentless. Don’t think you’ve any idea to be honest