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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to wedding

501 replies

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:32

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 12/12/2023 23:11

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/12/2023 22:46

I agree

Show quote history

Me too.

Notsurehwhattdo · 12/12/2023 23:11

I wouldn't ask why she wasn't invited, I just wouldn't accept the invitation.

wronginalltherightways · 12/12/2023 23:11

JemimaTiggywinkles · 12/12/2023 21:53

Failing to invite your best man's step child (who he lives with full time) is a horrible thing to do. I'd think less of the groom and would probably stay home with DD if I were you OP.

I would feel this way, too, as it's not a child free wedding.

DingleDongle80 · 12/12/2023 23:14

The more I read this thread, the more angry I get on your behalf OP.

I wouldn't be able to forget something like this and I would want to be petty. Like have them over for dinner but leave one of them out of the starters or something. Leave out the wife and say it's because she's not related by blood to your husband! Or buy one of their future kids a Christmas present but leave out another one. Then, if they complain, say "now you know how DD felt!"

I wouldn't actually be able to do it but would bloody well fantasise about all of the ways I could exclude one of them.

But, hell would freeze over before ever did something for that couple again. I don't think that I'd want to be in the same room as them again. I'd want to tell my husband that next time they come over him and his daughter (as blood relations) can host as you're going out with your girl!

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 23:15

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 22:43

My stepdaughter refuses to sleep here I could count on two hands how often she has and doesn’t really have a relationship with my daughter who has tried pathetically to be ‘sisters’. When she is here she has very good manners and is polite but clearly has no interest in us.
DH wasn’t really in a relationship with her mother. She will definitely not be at wedding. She is annoyed he moved in as stepdaughter won’t stay here so she doesn’t get a set time when she is alone. DH sees his daughter two or three times a week and about once a month stays at mother in law’s with her.

Your step-daughter was 5 when you married her dad, yet she's always refused to even stay a night in his house and this has just been accepted? This makes me think there's something more going on in this larger family dynamic.

If there are children invited other than those in the wedding party, this was rude of the couple. It's incredibly reasonable to be offended. Don't make this a thing for your daughter - you and she (at least) should stay home as if that were always the plan. Don't make a big dramatic stand about it, just note that you won't be attending.

But you should have an honest conversation with your DH about this. How does he talk about your daughter to his family? Why isn't he taken aback or offended if you are (sounds like you have different understandings or expectations of his relationship to your daughter)? And if you and your DH are on the same page and its just the groom who is mistaken about DH and DD's relationship then DH should consider a private conversation with him to make things clear.

NoraBattysCurlers · 12/12/2023 23:15

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:56

Money and space isn’t an issue. DH is good to my daughter but doesn’t see why his cousin would see her as a niece but he sees my child more than the one who is a bridesmaid.

Your DH is the problem.

grumpycow1 · 12/12/2023 23:17

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:56

Money and space isn’t an issue. DH is good to my daughter but doesn’t see why his cousin would see her as a niece but he sees my child more than the one who is a bridesmaid.

If your DH has this attitude then I despair.

He should be fighting your daughter’s corner! My stepdad would not have been a part of that wedding if I wasn’t invited and I know that for a fact. And he met my mum when I was 12.

I don’t get how you married someone when your daughter was only 4 or 5 (So must have known him longer - say when she was 2 or 3??) and he doesn’t see her as equal to his daughter. That’s madness to me.

fashionqueen1183 · 12/12/2023 23:18

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 22:43

My stepdaughter refuses to sleep here I could count on two hands how often she has and doesn’t really have a relationship with my daughter who has tried pathetically to be ‘sisters’. When she is here she has very good manners and is polite but clearly has no interest in us.
DH wasn’t really in a relationship with her mother. She will definitely not be at wedding. She is annoyed he moved in as stepdaughter won’t stay here so she doesn’t get a set time when she is alone. DH sees his daughter two or three times a week and about once a month stays at mother in law’s with her.

So who is your DHs cousin, thinking will take your step daughter to the wedding? Has she been sent an invite with only her name on and no adult?
Because if he’s invited her then surely he will know she needs an adult.. and if that adult is your husband and you are invited too- then who on earth does he think is going to be looking after your child? So rude

Coolhwip · 12/12/2023 23:19

Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.

So these fuckers are frequent guests to your home and stay with you, but have had the temerity to exclude your daughter whilst including DSD?

There is no fucking way I would attend this wedding. Don’t even lower yourself to ask DH to ask them if DD can come, just say you and DD will not be attending, OP. They’re cunts.

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 12/12/2023 23:20

When my husband's widowed stepmother remarried, she invited my husband who is her stepson, me, and our children. Apparently somebody said something about us being invited to my husband's half sister - the stepmother's daughter - and she said very firmly, "We are all family". I don't think you can ask for an invitation but I would definitely think less of the cousin and his fiancée for their graceless behaviour. I would not attend and there would be no future invitations from me to this couple.

StaunchMomma · 12/12/2023 23:21

I take it you're not going to go, OP?

I certainly wouldn't if my child was the only one from your family unit not invited.

HerMammy · 12/12/2023 23:23

As a stepmother this is very normal. DH has a huge family but my dc are treated very differently to his and not invited to family events etc. it’s just the reality of it. It would be entitled to expect otherwis
This isn't entitled. it's expecting people to be decent human beings and not exclude children esp when it's huge family. It's petty and nasty.
I don't understand any mother that accepts their children being treated so poorly and their so called DH allowing it.

Sunandnomoon · 12/12/2023 23:24

grumpycow1 · 12/12/2023 23:17

If your DH has this attitude then I despair.

He should be fighting your daughter’s corner! My stepdad would not have been a part of that wedding if I wasn’t invited and I know that for a fact. And he met my mum when I was 12.

I don’t get how you married someone when your daughter was only 4 or 5 (So must have known him longer - say when she was 2 or 3??) and he doesn’t see her as equal to his daughter. That’s madness to me.

Show quote history

I’m the same. My step dad came into my life when I was eight and there’s no way he would have allowed his ‘blood family’ to exclude me from any family events. My biological dad was still in the picture and it was made clear to me that I was an important part of both families. I feel so sorry for your daughter OP.

momonpurpose · 12/12/2023 23:24

wronginalltherightways · 12/12/2023 23:11

I would feel this way, too, as it's not a child free wedding.

Show quote history

I agree with this. It's nasty and mean spirited. Take the day and do something special with your dd ❤️

StaunchMomma · 12/12/2023 23:25

I agree that you don't need to be bending over to host them again, either. Let your DH pander to them and go out.

They don't deserve your time.

paisley256 · 12/12/2023 23:30

gamerchick · 12/12/2023 22:22

You can't ask but you can decline to go OP I wouldn't let my bairn be left out and not have their back tbh.

Exactly this.

Namerequired · 12/12/2023 23:30

Yes it’s their choice, and yea your husband took on your daughter, that doesn’t mean the rest of the family have to. However, you need to put in only what you get out. They don’t see you and your daughter as family. So stop being family to them and certainly don’t put your daughter in that position. Take a huge step back from them. I also think your husband is a big part of the issue. Does he consider your daughter his?

Tandora · 12/12/2023 23:35

Viviennemary · 12/12/2023 22:11

Why does she have to be invited. She isnt really their relative. But if you aren't happy then don't go. But maybe they just assume you will take her. Anyway does it matter. All this angst over wedding invitations. I just dont get it.

Yes it maters

ManyATrueWord · 12/12/2023 23:36

It's really rude to fail to invite someone who is living as married,.as a social unit, with their partner. If you want to be all pearl clutching about it, one wouldn't have invited someone living in sin when the etiquette rules were laid down. In the same way it is really fucking rude to leave out one minor member of the family unit. Either you are a family unit or you are not. If not, I wouldn't go. I'd stay with my actual family.

Imagwine · 12/12/2023 23:40

I’d get dh to say you won’t go because you feel bad for her being the only one not going. Then you aren’t asking, and it’s up to them how they respond.

Codlingmoths · 12/12/2023 23:43

I think I’d not go. How hard is it to add one child you see regularly and whose stepdad is in your bridal party to the several already going? Your Dh will be in the bridal party, you will just sit fuming if you do go. Decline politely since your daughter isn’t invited.

Crazycrazylady · 12/12/2023 23:50

I'm not sure really. The relationship is pretty far out as it's her step dads cousin who is getting married.
If she was 18 or adult I definitely wouldn't expect her to be invited but it seems a bit mean to leave a child out when rest of family are going

Elfontheshmelf · 12/12/2023 23:52

I'd stay at home with my child and suggest DH and his daughter go and have a lovely time. No way would my child be the only one not going out of what is essentially a blended family of four.

MiddleParking · 13/12/2023 00:00

I don’t think your DH not wanting to push the issue is a sign that he doesn’t see your daughter as his family. He probably feels, completely understandably, that his cousin’s wedding to a girlfriend who is likely to be leading the planning of the whole thing is not the platform on which he needs to demonstrate his commitment to his DSD. They’re not brothers however close they are, and the distinction between cousins and brothers might not matter in most circumstances but I think in wedding guest list planning it would for most people. As it happens I think they’ve been pretty rude and I wouldn’t ever have done it, but since they have there is a very elegant solution which the couple themselves are likely to point you in the direction of if you complain - don’t go.

WandaWonder · 13/12/2023 00:02

MiddleParking · 13/12/2023 00:00

I don’t think your DH not wanting to push the issue is a sign that he doesn’t see your daughter as his family. He probably feels, completely understandably, that his cousin’s wedding to a girlfriend who is likely to be leading the planning of the whole thing is not the platform on which he needs to demonstrate his commitment to his DSD. They’re not brothers however close they are, and the distinction between cousins and brothers might not matter in most circumstances but I think in wedding guest list planning it would for most people. As it happens I think they’ve been pretty rude and I wouldn’t ever have done it, but since they have there is a very elegant solution which the couple themselves are likely to point you in the direction of if you complain - don’t go.

This, you can be dissapointed by something someone has done but this "well I am going to demand this happens'' attitude it weird

go or not it is an invitation not a summons