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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to wedding

501 replies

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:32

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/12/2023 22:46

Tandora · 12/12/2023 21:52

God, the responses on this thread 🙈 I honestly despair for the state of humanity. YANBU OP. Behaviour of cousin is shocking. Your DH needs to insist your DD is invited. If not, you don’t go xx

I agree

swimsong · 12/12/2023 22:46

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 22:43

My stepdaughter refuses to sleep here I could count on two hands how often she has and doesn’t really have a relationship with my daughter who has tried pathetically to be ‘sisters’. When she is here she has very good manners and is polite but clearly has no interest in us.
DH wasn’t really in a relationship with her mother. She will definitely not be at wedding. She is annoyed he moved in as stepdaughter won’t stay here so she doesn’t get a set time when she is alone. DH sees his daughter two or three times a week and about once a month stays at mother in law’s with her.

Confused. Didn't you say 2 or 3 times a year in yout first post?

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 22:46

Biological child and not is NOT where you draw the line for family events....ever

BarkHorse · 12/12/2023 22:48

swimsong · 12/12/2023 22:46

Confused. Didn't you say 2 or 3 times a year in yout first post?

Show quote history

No she said her ex sees her daughter two or three times a year I think (as in her DH is bascially her daughters FT parent).

Quitelikeit · 12/12/2023 22:49

Tbh I think that they are entitled to do as they wish. The day isn’t about your child or you. The other child is family and they want her as a bridesmaid because the cousin is close to your partner.

I know it hurts but I doubt it is personal. They probably think she will be bored/lonely as she knows no one else going there for a start.

PatchworkElmer · 12/12/2023 22:49

Absolutely terrible behaviour from the bride and groom. I think I’d decline my invite in your position.

whynotwhatknot · 12/12/2023 22:50

so his child who he doesnt have overnight is invited the child he actually lives with isnt

i woldnt be gong and id be annoyed with dh aswell

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 22:51

So how did SD become bridesmaid - seems like she knew before you did? Did invite go straight to her?

I think your OH maybe is part of the issue here

DingleDongle80 · 12/12/2023 22:53

I hear you OP. I would be upset too.

I would tell my husband that you're more than happy for him and his daughter to go to that wedding but you'll be staying home to take care of your daughter.

Then I'd go out for the day with my little girl and make a really special day if it.

I also wouldn't be bothering with their kid if the cousin has any. I would leave it to my husband to buy Xmas pressies etc. I would also expect my husband to handle all the hosting such as cooking etc going forward.

It's very thoughtless of them and hurtful. Yes, it's their right to choose who they invite but it would colour the way I view the couple going forward. They don't see you and your child as family.

Kittylala · 12/12/2023 22:54

You could ask, does the invite include 'our' daughter Alex? Or Does the invite include Alex?

Alohapotato · 12/12/2023 22:57

If I were you Nd they wouldn't invite my 9 years old I would not attend the wedding.

MillarMountVandal · 12/12/2023 22:57

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:32

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

It might be different if you were in a casual relationship, but ffs you're married!

They must be dreadful people to exclude a child in such a blatant way. I wouldn't go, and I wouldn't even bother my arse sending apologies. And, were I to be asked why, I'd tell them I was washing my hair that night.

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 22:58

Sorry but I think this is the one scenario you can insist they invite both children.
No-one here would stand for one sibling being invited and the other left out.

We have a number of different relationships in our family going back decades. Adopted from an agency! Half siblings, step siblings, adopted by step dad, foster arrangements etc etc
I cannot imagine treating any of them as not welcome/invited

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 22:58

I wonder if his daughter doesn’t want your daughter there, and they’re respecting that.

Either way, no matter how many posters may hate the saying, it is indeed their wedding and their choice.

Sproutier · 12/12/2023 22:59

Blended families come in all shapes and sizes so there is not one rule for all.

However they have lived together for 5 years. I think the most hurtful thing is the lack of empathy your husband has for your daughter here. He doesn't seem to be seeing it from her side (or yours) at all. This is what will hurt her, more than the lack of invitation. Your cousin may not know any better but your husband should IMO.

She's 9. It's not like she was 18 when you got together, he must play a significant role in her life.

TeaKitten · 12/12/2023 23:01

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 22:58

Sorry but I think this is the one scenario you can insist they invite both children.
No-one here would stand for one sibling being invited and the other left out.

We have a number of different relationships in our family going back decades. Adopted from an agency! Half siblings, step siblings, adopted by step dad, foster arrangements etc etc
I cannot imagine treating any of them as not welcome/invited

But her own DH doesn’t see OPs daughter as his cousins family. His own daughter doesn’t like her step mum or sister or see them as ‘siblings’. I think this cousin has been very mean and rude here, but clearly their family dynamic isn’t as blended as OP would like it to be.

Sunandnomoon · 12/12/2023 23:04

DottieMoon · 12/12/2023 22:06

Yes of course they can invite who they want and yes your daughter is not their bloody relative.

However, I still think it’s really shitty. I wouldn’t ask them to invite her and it’s forced but I certainly would not be attending. They can make their choice and you can make theirs.

I totally agree with this. There’s some heartless posters on this thread.

I wouldn’t go, and I also find it concerning that your DH doesn’t feel the need to make sure his step daughter feels like an accepted, included and valued member of his family. That’s a bigger problem than the cousin not inviting her.

Nogooddeed7 · 12/12/2023 23:04

Poor form all round! I’d be quite pissed off if that were my husband!

Tinkerbyebye · 12/12/2023 23:04

I hate this when there is a family, ie you dh and both your children, then one child is not invited

i would let dh go on his own and you and your daughter do something nice together

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2023 23:05

I'd decline for you and if asked explain it's obviously difficult with DD not being invited both with childcare and her feeling left out, so you're going to take her out for the day.

Passingthethyme · 12/12/2023 23:06

iamrageohtheresakitty · 12/12/2023 21:51

It's their choice - if they're only inviting direct relations it doesn't seem unreasonable

Exactly this. She wasn't invited, take the hint. There has to be a cut-off somewhere. Don't go if it offends you

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/12/2023 23:08

Fuck that. Really mean. You also have a DH problem; if he doesn’t consider your DD as part of his family now he never will. And who are they expecting to look after his DD whilst he is being best man?!!!

id decline and take my DD away for the weekend and go and see a show/hotel stay.

Justfinking · 12/12/2023 23:08

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2023 23:05

I'd decline for you and if asked explain it's obviously difficult with DD not being invited both with childcare and her feeling left out, so you're going to take her out for the day.

Don't do this to try and guilt trip the couple, it makes you look petty and mean

MrsAvocet · 12/12/2023 23:08

I think it's very rude, given that you have been married for quite a while and you, your DH and DD sound like you are a stable family unit. And other children are invited - I'd understand it better if it was a child free wedding or the only children were in the bridal party.
However, I don't think you can insist that your DD is invited. Uncomfortable though it is, it is the bride and groom's day and they can invite whoever they like.
I wouldn't go though. If your DH wants to go on his own that would be one thing, but I think expecting you both to go and leave a 10 year old girl out is unreasonable. And I would be calm but honest if they wanted to know why you're not going.

cezannesapple · 12/12/2023 23:09

Tandora · 12/12/2023 21:52

God, the responses on this thread 🙈 I honestly despair for the state of humanity. YANBU OP. Behaviour of cousin is shocking. Your DH needs to insist your DD is invited. If not, you don’t go xx

This.

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