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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to wedding

501 replies

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:32

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

OP posts:
Tandora · 18/12/2023 16:44

Tinogirl · 18/12/2023 11:43

I can’t believe my thread is still attracting comments. I am really grateful for everyone’s opinions.
I totally agree that my daughter’s lack of relationship with her actual father has the potential to be more heartbreaking for her than her lack of relationship with her step-sister.
While I am grateful for all the posts people have run away with DH being a shit father and stepfather. He most definitely isn’t and to use the words of one poster he is ‘generally’ really good and they have a good relationship, but he would clarify that he isn’t her father as that’s factual. If she is present he makes a joke something like I know why you think that because of our stunning good looks.” She will then carry on the joke. I am not going to divorce my husband because his cousin didn’t invite us to his wedding.
I am 43, I am not having more kids; I agree different treatments of half-siblings from extended family would be more problematic.
His family are not unpleasant ‘generally’ but if I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!
Anyway back to the wedding, both of us are now invited to join them in the evening!I am still not going. My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look.
It would only be us coming in the evening as the couple think evening receptions are déclassé.
Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

Hi OP, firstly really sorry about the comments about DH! I got lost in the discussion on the thread (and the comment that his dd never wanted to stay with him) and realised it didn’t actually have much to do with the info you had shared!

If I were you I wouldn’t go to the wedding either, inviting you to the evening (especially if they haven’t done this with other guests) is just another way of singling out your DD as second class. She’s at a delicate age and doesn’t need to be dealing with this sort of stuff.

Btw how does your DD feel about the whole situation?

Tryingmybestadhd · 18/12/2023 17:14

Op I think you are doing the right thing. They are all wrong and now they are worried how they will look . If you go make sure you tell anyone that asks anything related to your daughter the truth ! People should know how awful they are

pineapplesundae · 18/12/2023 17:32

When your daughter becomes very successful, they will want to latch on. ‘Can you get us free tickets to the game/concert, can you give free legal/medical advice, mind if we use your vacation home, can you loan/give us money “. Then DD will be family.

Ivymom · 18/12/2023 17:33

OP, please get your DD in therapy. The amount of rejection she faces will hurt her. He biodad has little to do with her. The father figure she relates to on a daily basis makes it clear that he doesn’t consider himself her father and his family doesn’t consider her family and treats her differently than the other children her age. I really hope you don’t do Christmas and other holidays with his family.

sparkellie · 18/12/2023 17:42

Your husband is the problem here. His daughter was a very young girl when you and he got together and it was his job to make sure he felt included in the family. He didn't. To such an extent that she no longer wants to spend overnight in the house where he lives. That's on him. Not your daughter, or you.
Now he can't understand why his close cousin doesn't consider your daughter to be a part of his family. Maybe because he doesn't act like she is. He is not a good father role model. He won't change. And given the way he's let his relationship with your step daughter fail I'm surprised you would expect any different.

Tandora · 18/12/2023 17:56

pineapplesundae · 18/12/2023 17:32

When your daughter becomes very successful, they will want to latch on. ‘Can you get us free tickets to the game/concert, can you give free legal/medical advice, mind if we use your vacation home, can you loan/give us money “. Then DD will be family.

Soo true

StaunchMomma · 18/12/2023 18:42

Tinogirl · 18/12/2023 11:43

I can’t believe my thread is still attracting comments. I am really grateful for everyone’s opinions.
I totally agree that my daughter’s lack of relationship with her actual father has the potential to be more heartbreaking for her than her lack of relationship with her step-sister.
While I am grateful for all the posts people have run away with DH being a shit father and stepfather. He most definitely isn’t and to use the words of one poster he is ‘generally’ really good and they have a good relationship, but he would clarify that he isn’t her father as that’s factual. If she is present he makes a joke something like I know why you think that because of our stunning good looks.” She will then carry on the joke. I am not going to divorce my husband because his cousin didn’t invite us to his wedding.
I am 43, I am not having more kids; I agree different treatments of half-siblings from extended family would be more problematic.
His family are not unpleasant ‘generally’ but if I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!
Anyway back to the wedding, both of us are now invited to join them in the evening!I am still not going. My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look.
It would only be us coming in the evening as the couple think evening receptions are déclassé.
Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

Your DH seems to make a lot of decisions based on what he sees as best for his DD, well, he's just going to have to suck it up that in this case YOU are doing what you see as best for YOUR DD by refusing to attend!

He can't have it all his own way. You are absolutely allowed to view things differently.

I personally think it's cruel to not invite a child they have spent more time with/around for another they don't know as well just because of blood.

Stick to your guns, OP. You're doing the right thing.

ellyeth · 18/12/2023 20:55

I think it's rather thoughtless of them to exclude your nine year old daughter. I understand that she is not a blood relative but, still, it could make her feel that she is not a proper part of the family. I think I would do what you have decided to do - not go.

AndWordsWhen · 18/12/2023 23:58

When FIL remarried after MILs death, DH and I were invited, but we were told they didn't want our DC there (15 and 10 - so more than capable of behaving) as that wasn't 'the tone' they wanted for the wedding (small group, family only). We thanked them and declined; telling our DC they were not welcome at their granddad's wedding wasn't a conversation we were prepared to have.
We're a family. A package deal. If our kids are the wrong 'tone', we probably are too.
OP - you are doing the right thing.

Yalta · 19/12/2023 01:49

Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her

Ultimately though this isn’t even about someone being related. Unless only guests directly related to the bride and groom are invited.

This is is about inviting everyone from a household they frequent except a 9year old.
B&G must really dislike your dd if they don’t even see her as a friend or friend if the family. Or even a plus one.

I think your dh throughout hasn’t really understood why you aren’t going. He knows the reason he just can’t understand it which whilst you might not be thinking of divorce now I think at some point this type of thinking might end up coming up again over something really important.

Codlingmoths · 19/12/2023 01:52

Tinogirl · 18/12/2023 11:43

I can’t believe my thread is still attracting comments. I am really grateful for everyone’s opinions.
I totally agree that my daughter’s lack of relationship with her actual father has the potential to be more heartbreaking for her than her lack of relationship with her step-sister.
While I am grateful for all the posts people have run away with DH being a shit father and stepfather. He most definitely isn’t and to use the words of one poster he is ‘generally’ really good and they have a good relationship, but he would clarify that he isn’t her father as that’s factual. If she is present he makes a joke something like I know why you think that because of our stunning good looks.” She will then carry on the joke. I am not going to divorce my husband because his cousin didn’t invite us to his wedding.
I am 43, I am not having more kids; I agree different treatments of half-siblings from extended family would be more problematic.
His family are not unpleasant ‘generally’ but if I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!
Anyway back to the wedding, both of us are now invited to join them in the evening!I am still not going. My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look.
It would only be us coming in the evening as the couple think evening receptions are déclassé.
Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

I’d just say to him we are at impasse then. You say you cant make them feel like she is family, although I’m wondering if you’ve tried at all, but here we are and I feel like we are not family and you just have to live with that and the actions I take because of it, which include I won’t be attending this wedding.

Sproutier · 19/12/2023 02:07

StaunchMomma · 18/12/2023 18:42

Your DH seems to make a lot of decisions based on what he sees as best for his DD, well, he's just going to have to suck it up that in this case YOU are doing what you see as best for YOUR DD by refusing to attend!

He can't have it all his own way. You are absolutely allowed to view things differently.

I personally think it's cruel to not invite a child they have spent more time with/around for another they don't know as well just because of blood.

Stick to your guns, OP. You're doing the right thing.

Show quote history

This makes sense to me. Agree that you are both doing what you feel to be right by your own child.

It seems a bizarre sticking point that neither your husband nor his cousin can move past "she's not real family" to consider her feelings at all. But you can't fix that.

Damnedidont · 19/12/2023 02:09

Excellent points

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 02:41

Ime all relationships will be strained going forward.. When I hadn't been with dp long his dsis got married. My toddler dd wasn't invited. Lots of dc there... Our relationship never got past a curt hello. Ever... I heard tell she didn't want any distant family to think dd was her dps dgc when she wanted the first dgc... She was pissed beyond words when we had a ds a year before her... Weddings bring out the worst on some people op. Glad you are sticking to your guns.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 02:48

AndWordsWhen · 18/12/2023 23:58

When FIL remarried after MILs death, DH and I were invited, but we were told they didn't want our DC there (15 and 10 - so more than capable of behaving) as that wasn't 'the tone' they wanted for the wedding (small group, family only). We thanked them and declined; telling our DC they were not welcome at their granddad's wedding wasn't a conversation we were prepared to have.
We're a family. A package deal. If our kids are the wrong 'tone', we probably are too.
OP - you are doing the right thing.

Were any other kids invited?

If not, i can understand having an adults-only event.

Thepissinglady · 19/12/2023 05:19

I think its a special kind of dick move to invite some children from the same family and not others. God if non biological related kids weren't invited to family occasions mine would never be invited anywhere. Fortunately my family are not like that. Obviously you can't enforce her going but id definitely ask for some clarification and explain why your asking.

SerafinasGoose · 19/12/2023 14:04

pollymere · 18/12/2023 12:44

I would go in the evening. It will reflect well in you in that you see yourself as part of this family. It will reflect badly on DH family that you clearly were able to go but we're not invited to the main Reception. Also - anyone can go to an actual wedding. It's a legal requirement. So I'd go to the ceremony, then go out for McDs or something fun then go back in the evening.

To not go in the evening is petty now.

I would not. The actual stance OP is taking sends a much better message to her daughter.

Why is it important for OP to take a stance that she views herself as part of her DH's family, when they've pulled out all the stops to show her daughter that she is not?

In OP's position my daughter would come first. Like hell would I be colluding with any calculated attempt to exclude and ostracise my child. Aside from this, weddings are really not all that, and attendance is not mandatory. Just as OP will have to get over the edict of 'their wedding, their choice', DH and his cousin will have to get over the fact that OP and her daughter will not be attending any aspect of the day.

That's the way it works.

ScribblingPixie · 19/12/2023 16:04

I never understand when people getting married treat guests as props and don't seem to care whether they have a happy time or whether cherrypicking invitations will cause problems within families.

Merryoldgoat · 19/12/2023 18:58

ScribblingPixie · 19/12/2023 16:04

I never understand when people getting married treat guests as props and don't seem to care whether they have a happy time or whether cherrypicking invitations will cause problems within families.

Me either. Weddings can be so crap if you don’t give thought to the guests’ comfort.

I decided that as long as people were full with good food and drink and had lots of good music the rest wasn’t important so I spent £2k on booze, £3k on food, and £300 on the local venue.

I also gave everyone single a plus one and invited kids.

ScribblingPixie · 19/12/2023 21:32

Exactly, @MerryOldGoat. Your wedding sounds ace.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2023 14:36

Tinogirl · 18/12/2023 11:43

I can’t believe my thread is still attracting comments. I am really grateful for everyone’s opinions.
I totally agree that my daughter’s lack of relationship with her actual father has the potential to be more heartbreaking for her than her lack of relationship with her step-sister.
While I am grateful for all the posts people have run away with DH being a shit father and stepfather. He most definitely isn’t and to use the words of one poster he is ‘generally’ really good and they have a good relationship, but he would clarify that he isn’t her father as that’s factual. If she is present he makes a joke something like I know why you think that because of our stunning good looks.” She will then carry on the joke. I am not going to divorce my husband because his cousin didn’t invite us to his wedding.
I am 43, I am not having more kids; I agree different treatments of half-siblings from extended family would be more problematic.
His family are not unpleasant ‘generally’ but if I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!
Anyway back to the wedding, both of us are now invited to join them in the evening!I am still not going. My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look.
It would only be us coming in the evening as the couple think evening receptions are déclassé.
Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

I can only repeat - THEY don't see her as family because HE doesn't see her as family.

Married to her mother for five years so knowing the child for ?six plus? years, living with her full-time for at least five years from the age of 3/4 through to 9, watching her grow. But she's not family, no sir-ee, to the extent that HE WILL "CLARIFY THAT HE ISN'T HER FATHER", presumably to strangers since he must have already clarified to everyone he knows by now, he's had 5/6 years of clarifying it, after all - and he does that even when "SHE IS PRESENT"! But hey, that's OK, because he makes it into a joke!

"She will then carry on the joke." Oh, does she now? She's NINE. She's trying to please the adults around her, to conform to their expectations, to fit in, to not be further rejected. Because she's a child. And the man who (hopefully) fathers her (verb, not noun) declares to all and sundry that she is not his daughter. What a prince amongst men!

Ahwhatthehell · 20/12/2023 15:21

I think your DH’s attitude towards his and your daughter’s relationship is key. If he insisted she was his daughter too, the rest of the family would fall in. Saying she is his daughter too does not diminish his relationship with his biological daughter.

It’s a pity and sad for you and your daughter that he does not.

Original poster
Tinogirl · 20/12/2023 18:32

I cannot believe that people are still posting. I have no issue with my husband being my daughter’s stepfather and being clear about it. I just want her to be invited to a bloody wedding.
@Ahwhatthehell I am genuinely grateful for everyone’s comments and your post made me chuckle. If my husband told his daughter that my daughter was his as well that would be the last he would see of her.
Last week my MiL, SiL and niece went to her private school carol service. None of us were invited. I will not be going to this wedding even the evening.

OP posts:
Yalta · 20/12/2023 23:56

Your dh has done a complete 180 over the course of this thread

Firstly he can’t understand why you would think your dd would be invited as she isn’t family

Then he actually gets annoyed because you are being awkward and raising in his mind a non issue. Whilst he is still agreeing with his “family” that it is ok to exclude his step daughters

Then he distances himself and starts to put the blame for the non invite back on to the cousin.

He just accepts that they don’t see her as family.
My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter

I find it interesting that whilst you report that he is placing all the blame on how his step daughter is not being seen as family by his family, you then follow it with an anecdote where he makes anyone and everyone know that his step daughter and himself aren’t related

Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself

He is now laying all the blame squarely on his families inability to see his step daughter as family and coming across as someone who would have really loved to have her incuded

Katiesaidthat · 27/03/2024 12:39

Merryoldgoat · 19/12/2023 18:58

Me either. Weddings can be so crap if you don’t give thought to the guests’ comfort.

I decided that as long as people were full with good food and drink and had lots of good music the rest wasn’t important so I spent £2k on booze, £3k on food, and £300 on the local venue.

I also gave everyone single a plus one and invited kids.

Edited
Show quote history

Love this.