Page 6 | Daughter not invited to wedding

Tinogirl · 2023-12-12T21:32:10+00:00

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year. She lives entirely with us. Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer. Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well. Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited. I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

LemonTT · 13/12/2023 00:07

The wedding is trivial compared to the situation with your step child not wanting to stay in her fathers home from the age of 5 and this not being addressed.

The wedding is just the toxic outcome of that.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 13/12/2023 00:10

Tandora · 12/12/2023 21:52

God, the responses on this thread 🙈 I honestly despair for the state of humanity. YANBU OP. Behaviour of cousin is shocking. Your DH needs to insist your DD is invited. If not, you don’t go xx

DH can ask but he cannot insist.

I agree it is shitty and if I was cousin I would invite her. OP should let DH ask his cousin first and if they still refuse and I was OP I would decline and let DH and his kids attend.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 13/12/2023 00:10

It's absolutely their choice on who to invite.

And it's absolutely your choice not to go.

I wouldn't if my DC weren't invited and others were.

Diggerdriverless · 13/12/2023 00:35

I generally believe that a wedding guest list is entirely up to the bride and groom/person paying. Also, that it is reasonable to invite some children (relatives usually) and not others. However, the groom regards your DH as virtually his brother and has asked him to be best man. DH's daughter is to be bridesmaid but his wife's daughter is not even invited. I would decline the wedding invitation and (if it's your house you live in) next time the cousin visits don't play the role of SiL but suggest DH meets them at his mother's house.

Honeychickpea · 13/12/2023 00:43

Could your stepdaughter have been winding your daughter up about other kids being invited? They don't seem to like each other much.

Sharpness19 · 13/12/2023 01:13

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Mariposista · 13/12/2023 01:16

Sadly there is nothing you can do beyond ask for an explanation as it is ultimately up to the B&G. Does seem a bit mean to leave one member of a family unit out though. Unless there is actually a backstory and your kid has form for breaking into song/screaming/running wild when in public and spoiling things (doesn’t sound like it’s the case haha)

Fionaville · 13/12/2023 01:23

She should be invited. I'd get your DH to just say casually that he assumes she's invited and just wasn't on the invite. It's bloody horrible if she's been excluded!

thankyouforthedayz · 13/12/2023 01:31

I feel for both of the children, particularly your husband's daughter

StockpotSoup · 13/12/2023 01:41

Tandora · 12/12/2023 21:52

God, the responses on this thread 🙈 I honestly despair for the state of humanity. YANBU OP. Behaviour of cousin is shocking. Your DH needs to insist your DD is invited. If not, you don’t go xx

Bloody hell - talk about OTT. You despair of the state of humanity because someone didn’t get invited to a wedding? Get a grip.

If anyone tried to “insist” someone was invited to my wedding, they wouldn’t have to worry about not attending with that person anymore - but not for the reason they think.

thankyouforthedayz · 13/12/2023 01:43

Who doesn't see her Dad much. It's sounds as if his family want to recognise her as kin even though they don't get to see her much, as she sees so little of her Dad. Might your DH's Mum have had a hand in this, promoting her Granddaughters position in the extended family as this little girl is not part of her Dads immediate family. If you clarify that your daughter isn't invited then I would also decline to go, citing childcare or an exciting prior engagement, as it would be heartbreaking for your daughter to feel slighted.

Pinkkisugarmouse · 13/12/2023 01:47

Decline and explain that you can’t all go and leave your daughter and that you are planning to take her out. Personally I would clarify in case it is an oversight but if not:

YANBU

StockpotSoup · 13/12/2023 01:54

I had same but it was BIL. Bio kids invited to whole wedding but not my kid, who had been part of the family far longer than the bride to be.

You get that the bride is a fairly fundamental member of the wedding party though, right?

thankyouforthedayz · 13/12/2023 01:56

OP your step daughter may have really complex feelings about this. She may feel your daughter has usurped her place as her daddy's daughter, it may be really difficult for her to visit you as a guest which is another girl's home. Your daughter meanwhile can't understand why she is being rejected. It sounds really difficult for both girls.

InWalksBarberalla · 13/12/2023 02:02

LemonTT · 13/12/2023 00:07

The wedding is trivial compared to the situation with your step child not wanting to stay in her fathers home from the age of 5 and this not being addressed.

The wedding is just the toxic outcome of that.

100% agree- this situation is not right at all.
The poor step child must feel that she has been replaced when the OPs daughter, and the way the OP talks about her is off. Maybe the cousin wants her to be at the wedding without her step sister to enjoy spending some time with her dad.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/12/2023 02:13

Me too and it your DD doesn't know you were invited OP I'd be considering telling her it was only her step Dad and step sister invited so she doesn't feel so hurt. It's really not nice othering and excluding her in this way when other kids not in the wedding party are invited.

StockpotSoup · 13/12/2023 02:19

InWalksBarberalla · 13/12/2023 02:02

100% agree- this situation is not right at all.
The poor step child must feel that she has been replaced when the OPs daughter, and the way the OP talks about her is off. Maybe the cousin wants her to be at the wedding without her step sister to enjoy spending some time with her dad.

Show quote history

Yeah, I think this is it. OP expects her stepdaughter to treat her daughter as a sister and is sour because she doesn’t. She needs to remember that SD didn’t ask to be part of a blended family.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/12/2023 02:34

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/12/2023 02:13

Me too and it your DD doesn't know you were invited OP I'd be considering telling her it was only her step Dad and step sister invited so she doesn't feel so hurt. It's really not nice othering and excluding her in this way when other kids not in the wedding party are invited.

Quote didn't work. Was one that said I wouldn't attend if my daughter wasn't invited on these circumstances.

curaçao · 13/12/2023 02:38

If your dh had adopted her you might have a point.But he hasnt.He is not her father and this is why nobody views her as such.She has her own father and she is part of his extended family, not your dh's.

Mothership4two · 13/12/2023 02:46

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Well you are wrong on two counts.

Have you read OP's posts?

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2023 03:48

thankyouforthedayz · 13/12/2023 01:56

OP your step daughter may have really complex feelings about this. She may feel your daughter has usurped her place as her daddy's daughter, it may be really difficult for her to visit you as a guest which is another girl's home. Your daughter meanwhile can't understand why she is being rejected. It sounds really difficult for both girls.

Exactly. What a mess. I feel terribly sorry for both girls caught up in this.

Your h doesn’t advocate for his child. It is only to be expected he wouldn’t advocate for yours.

The relationship between him and his dd has been wholly overlooked. She wouldn’t stay in your home from age 5. What is that about? Why on earth was she never prioritised?

TammyJones · 13/12/2023 04:48

WishIMite · 12/12/2023 22:45

As a stepmother this is very normal. DH has a huge family but my dc are treated very differently to his and not invited to family events etc. it’s just the reality of it. It would be entitled to expect otherwise.

My dd was 3 when I met dh.
She was treated by everyone in his family as 'ours'
And was invited to everything and got birthday and Christmas presents same as the others.
All the kids got on great and were best of friends.

TammyJones · 13/12/2023 04:51

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 22:46

Biological child and not is NOT where you draw the line for family events....ever

Totally agree
If kids are going - your dd should be there.

TammyJones · 13/12/2023 04:55

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 22:58

Sorry but I think this is the one scenario you can insist they invite both children.
No-one here would stand for one sibling being invited and the other left out.

We have a number of different relationships in our family going back decades. Adopted from an agency! Half siblings, step siblings, adopted by step dad, foster arrangements etc etc
I cannot imagine treating any of them as not welcome/invited

Really good answer.
I have 4 kids
Some biological, others not.
All very much loved and 💯 % part of the family

user1492757084 · 13/12/2023 05:04

I would try to not make a big deal about it. However, I would have your partner question the cousin as to whether they meant to leave her out.
If so, crack on, employ your daughter her favourite, fun babysitter and you go and enjoy the wedding.
Bring your daughter home some cake and your place cards, show her pictures and have her write a card for the couple if she knows them.

It is unfortunate but not worth holding a grudge over.
Plenty of weddings have no children.