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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to wedding

501 replies

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:32

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 12/12/2023 22:01

Blueeyes13 · 12/12/2023 22:00

I'd check. We sent all our wedding invitations out without the children's names on them and then we're surprised when no-one brought the kids. We just assumed they would know we meant everyone. Obviously a massive mistake and I still feel bad about it 20 years later! It just never occurred to us that our friends would think we didn't want their kids there.

That’s just plain daft, I hope you let people no what had happened 😅

Original poster
Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 22:01

No she’s definitely not invited.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/12/2023 22:02

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:56

Money and space isn’t an issue. DH is good to my daughter but doesn’t see why his cousin would see her as a niece but he sees my child more than the one who is a bridesmaid.

If your DH sees her as his daughter, then the cousin should see her as a niece. I'd wonder what conversations have gone on in private, since the start of your relationship. It says a lot about your DH that he'd see her excluded. Does she see him as a step dad? It's quite sad that he doesn't see her as his step daughter.

GoldDuster · 12/12/2023 22:02

DH is good to my daughter but doesn’t see why his cousin would see her as a niece

Looks like Cousin is taking his lead from DH. If this is the case it shouldn't be too much of a shock that your DD isn't invited, although for the record I'd be livid and not be attending if she wasn't.

tomatoontoast · 12/12/2023 22:03

If she's definitely not invited then I would decline the invitation myself and the two of us wouldn't go. I wouldnt stop my husband going through.

I would never ever beg for an invitation. I think all previous posters are sending you down the river encouraging you to insist on an invitation.

DinoDays · 12/12/2023 22:03

I had same but it was BIL. Bio kids invited to whole wedding but not my kid, who had been part of the family far longer than the bride to be.

Anyway. DP, me and 2 bio kids went to day part of wedding. Had meal, listened to the shit speeches and left. My kid didn't bother going to evening part of wedding, which they had been invited to.

We didn't make a drama of it, didn't mention it to anyone. But I've never forgiven them. Still gives me the rage 15 years later.

Awful couple. Have nothing to do with them now.

BananaSpanner · 12/12/2023 22:04

They’ve been rude. It’s a close relatives step daughter, other children are invited. Of course it’s a hurtful exclusion and I’d be disappointed that DH didn’t see it that way. I’d decline.

DottieMoon · 12/12/2023 22:06

Yes of course they can invite who they want and yes your daughter is not their bloody relative.

However, I still think it’s really shitty. I wouldn’t ask them to invite her and it’s forced but I certainly would not be attending. They can make their choice and you can make theirs.

Cosyblankets · 12/12/2023 22:07

Tandora · 12/12/2023 21:52

God, the responses on this thread 🙈 I honestly despair for the state of humanity. YANBU OP. Behaviour of cousin is shocking. Your DH needs to insist your DD is invited. If not, you don’t go xx

Insist? On who someone can or can't invite to their own wedding?
Choosing not to go is one thing but you can't tell someone who they should invite

BarkHorse · 12/12/2023 22:08

If DH is in the bridal party - who’s expected to be looking after your SD during the wedding (as I assume ex isn’t invited).

lunkitsmum · 12/12/2023 22:09

Have been in a similar situation. I said thanks got the invite but I don’t have childcare and besides my child is old enough to know he’s been excluded, they just said ok thanks for letting us know 🤷‍♀️. Stings a bit but what else can you do?

Gymmum82 · 12/12/2023 22:10

I would decline the invitation and say why. I’d be pretty hurt and the relationship going forward would be tarnished.

I would also be upset with my husband who clearly doesn’t see the child as his despite being the only real father she has

Hayliebells · 12/12/2023 22:11

I think it's really poor of them. Yes they can choose who they invite, but that doesn't mean they aren't still dicks for making this particular choice. I would decline the invitation, and have a nice day out with your daughter.

Alainlechat · 12/12/2023 22:11

I think it's poor behaviour. In my family my uncle married a second time and his wife had two children around the same age. From then on in they were invited to everything.

I can't imagine a scenario where they would have been left out and been the only ones left out to boot.

Viviennemary · 12/12/2023 22:11

Why does she have to be invited. She isnt really their relative. But if you aren't happy then don't go. But maybe they just assume you will take her. Anyway does it matter. All this angst over wedding invitations. I just dont get it.

Tina221 · 12/12/2023 22:11

tomatoontoast · 12/12/2023 22:03

If she's definitely not invited then I would decline the invitation myself and the two of us wouldn't go. I wouldnt stop my husband going through.

I would never ever beg for an invitation. I think all previous posters are sending you down the river encouraging you to insist on an invitation.

I agree.

I hope you’re ok op

Notmetoo · 12/12/2023 22:11

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 12/12/2023 21:59

Hate this saying of 'Their wedding, their choice' like it gives people the right to be shits.
OP I think it's extremely rude on their part not to invite your daughter, I'd also think less of them and decline to go.

Edited

I also hate the "their wedding their choice " it seems to be a modern thing and it's responsible for the Bridezilla attitude.
I think a wedding should be about the joining of two families that doesn't necessarily mean only people related by blood. At the least it's thoughtless of them not to include your daughter. I wouldn't ask for an invitation though I would decline and tell them it's for childcare reasons. Let your DH go alone

Awrite · 12/12/2023 22:11

Tandora · 12/12/2023 21:52

God, the responses on this thread 🙈 I honestly despair for the state of humanity. YANBU OP. Behaviour of cousin is shocking. Your DH needs to insist your DD is invited. If not, you don’t go xx

Perfectly put.

Flatandhappy · 12/12/2023 22:14

I certainly wouldn’t ask for an invite, you seem certain she has not been invited, but in your shoes I would be incredibly hurt and concerned that my DH was happy for my daughter to be excluded. I think it says a lot about how he views her and I think it is awful for children to grow up in families with step parents who clearly see them as “other”.

Gingerbee · 12/12/2023 22:15

I would decline their invitation.

When my Uncle married for a second time. My new Aunt had 2 children. They became and still are my cousins.

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 12/12/2023 22:16

I genuinely wouldn’t ask for my daughter to be invited. However I wouldn’t be attending and my husband wouldn’t either on sheer principle.

Ewoklady · 12/12/2023 22:16

I think it’s very poor behaviour too since they know and have been over to your home and knows she lives with you both full time (the fact she daughter is only a year over and a bridesmaid is a big factor / hurtful)

but I absolutely wouldn’t say anything and would quietly not go and let step daughter and your husband go (but not draw attention to it )

FirstFallopians · 12/12/2023 22:16

Often I think people on these kind of threads can have unreasonable expectations of their partner’s family, but this is insane from your DH’s cousin. You don’t have to see someone as your own flesh and blood to extend an invite.

Although they obviously have their heads up their arses, the more pressing concern would be your DH’s reluctance to see any problem. If he saw your DD as “his”, then surely he’d be really hurt that she wasn’t included? His nonplussed reaction is the real elephant in the room.

WandaWonder · 12/12/2023 22:16

it is not your wedding you do realsie thay don't you?

Gwenhwyfar · 12/12/2023 22:18

"I think a wedding should be about the joining of two families that doesn't necessarily mean only people related by blood."

Well I suppose the whole point of a wedding is creating a family that is not by blood. And adopted children would presumably not be excluded.

Having said that, it absolutely is the choice of the bride and groom (or whoever is paing).