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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to wedding

501 replies

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:32

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

OP posts:
Sodie · 12/12/2023 22:19

I would be perfectly clear that I wouldn't be going without my daughter. I would also say to my husband that I didn't want to socialise with this couple again. Yes I'm petty, but I would want my daughter to see that I will always put her feelings first.

MargotBlobby · 12/12/2023 22:20

DottieMoon · 12/12/2023 22:06

Yes of course they can invite who they want and yes your daughter is not their bloody relative.

However, I still think it’s really shitty. I wouldn’t ask them to invite her and it’s forced but I certainly would not be attending. They can make their choice and you can make theirs.

Exactly this. Super shitty to leave out one member of a household.

Fizzadora · 12/12/2023 22:21

To be honest I would expect my DH to step down as best man as his family aren't invited to the wedding but apparently he seems to think this is acceptable.

Have you thought about that @Tinogirl ? I'm not sure I could get past that.
I wouldn't be going to the wedding and I would be seriously considering my relationship.

However here on MN there is a massive double standard against stepmothers who are usually told to keep their fucking noses out of any parenting of their stepchildren. So if it was the other way round and you were chief bridesmaid and your husband's son wasn't invited even if he lived full time with you, that would be considered appropriate.

LadyLapsang · 12/12/2023 22:22

Will your husband’s ex wife / partner be at the wedding? How many nights pw does your step daughter spend at your home and what is the relationship like between your daughter and his daughter?

gamerchick · 12/12/2023 22:22

You can't ask but you can decline to go OP I wouldn't let my bairn be left out and not have their back tbh.

Seas164 · 12/12/2023 22:24

Blood relative? She's one of the two daughters in your family, and to exclude her only is unforgiveable.

The saying "blood is thicker than water" is a shortening of "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", and your DH would be well advised to think about this.

TinPanSally · 12/12/2023 22:24

I wouldn't go.

InAPickle12345 · 12/12/2023 22:25

TeaKitten · 12/12/2023 21:48

Biological child is the grooms biological family member though. If they had limited numbers they’d have to draw lines somewhere. I don’t think your DH should ask for your DD to be invited, because it isn’t your wedding. But I would be upset too and if I was you I just wouldn’t go, blame childcare and spend the day with your daughter doing something special instead. If it was an accidental oversight they’ll correct it when you decline due to childcare.

This is how I would approach the situation too. And if they're just plain excluding your DD then fuck them

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 22:26

Why are you sure your DD isn’t invited but other DC not in the wedding party are, OP

I hope you are wrong. If you are right I agree you should just decline and have a great day with your DD. Let the relationship suffer going forward

ganglion · 12/12/2023 22:26

I'd not say anything but if I were you I wouldn't go without my daughter. Leave them to it.

Vinrouge4 · 12/12/2023 22:29

‘Their wedding, their rules’ might be the case but what a mean thing to do. What difference will one little 9 year old girl make? If my daughter wasn’t invited then I would be staying home with her.

NoTouch · 12/12/2023 22:29

Tandora · 12/12/2023 21:52

God, the responses on this thread 🙈 I honestly despair for the state of humanity. YANBU OP. Behaviour of cousin is shocking. Your DH needs to insist your DD is invited. If not, you don’t go xx

Absolutely agree. A 9 yo child who rarely sees bio dad, essentially abandoned by him. Her mum, her step dad and extended family of 5 years is her family and security and she has been given a crystal clear message she is the odd one out, not accepted into the family. That type of treatment cuts deep to a child.

I would be viewing any in-law that thought this is an ok way to treat a young child very differently going forward. I probably wouldn't attend the wedding and if asked would be honest why, I wouldnt buy a gift but would leave dh to his own decisions.

HoppingPavlova · 12/12/2023 22:30

If the kids invited are in the wedding party then YABU.
If the kids invited are not all in the wedding party then YANBU.

Snugglemonkey · 12/12/2023 22:34

iamrageohtheresakitty · 12/12/2023 21:51

It's their choice - if they're only inviting direct relations it doesn't seem unreasonable

Highly unlikely that there will not be some girlfriends or boyfriends etc.

I would decline op. I would take a big step back from them going forward.

PlaidCushionProductions · 12/12/2023 22:34

Vinrouge4 · 12/12/2023 22:29

‘Their wedding, their rules’ might be the case but what a mean thing to do. What difference will one little 9 year old girl make? If my daughter wasn’t invited then I would be staying home with her.

Edited

£165 per seat at a reasonably cheap hotel venue.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 12/12/2023 22:36

Prinnny · 12/12/2023 21:49

Their wedding, their choice. They may only want blood family children there. You can’t dictate to them how their wedding should be.

How fucking awful and cruel!

OP I'd decline the invitation and do something nice on the day with your dd. Let your DH go and if they ask why you didn't go, he can tell them exactly why.

comedycentral · 12/12/2023 22:36

There's no way I would attend, how hurtful can they be? They surely can't expect you all to go and leave her out.

DarkDarkNight · 12/12/2023 22:38

Their wedding their choice… but would I fuck be going if my child was excluded in this way. It’s plain nasty having a biological child as a bridesmaid and a step child not even invited.

Beeswood · 12/12/2023 22:39

Quote from you - 'Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.'

How can they think not inviting your daughter is acceptable?

I think it is unkind and thoughtless, I woudn't go.

littlefireseverywhere · 12/12/2023 22:39

I’m think I’d decline the invitation & stay home with my DD. Really poor form from your DH & his cousin.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 12/12/2023 22:42

Alainlechat · 12/12/2023 22:11

I think it's poor behaviour. In my family my uncle married a second time and his wife had two children around the same age. From then on in they were invited to everything.

I can't imagine a scenario where they would have been left out and been the only ones left out to boot.

This. My family have always treated my DSD exactly the same as they treat my dds. She has always been invited to everything my dds are invited to, given presents when they are etc. Now DSD has her own dd and my family treat my DGD as if she were my biological DGD because that's the way it should be.

Original poster
Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 22:43

My stepdaughter refuses to sleep here I could count on two hands how often she has and doesn’t really have a relationship with my daughter who has tried pathetically to be ‘sisters’. When she is here she has very good manners and is polite but clearly has no interest in us.
DH wasn’t really in a relationship with her mother. She will definitely not be at wedding. She is annoyed he moved in as stepdaughter won’t stay here so she doesn’t get a set time when she is alone. DH sees his daughter two or three times a week and about once a month stays at mother in law’s with her.

OP posts:
3peassuit · 12/12/2023 22:43

It’s their wedding and their choice but I wouldn’t go if my child was excluded and othered in this way.

WishIMite · 12/12/2023 22:45

As a stepmother this is very normal. DH has a huge family but my dc are treated very differently to his and not invited to family events etc. it’s just the reality of it. It would be entitled to expect otherwise.

MaggieFS · 12/12/2023 22:45

I think that's poor. They are close enough that your DH is best man, but they haven't invited your DD with whom DH has lived FT for five years?

I'm very much a believer in the bride and groom having a choice and if it's no kids, it's no kids. But you don't split up families just because someone is a step-child when they are clearly a family unit.

I'd be very sad in your shoes if DH didn't stick up for DD.

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