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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married 2 years. DHs family forgot our anniversary. Mine remembered.

564 replies

crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 13:45

DH's family forgot our anniversary, only been married 2 years. They remember all other important dates. But no effort for us. My family all remembered first thing in the morning and sent us both messages.

Should i bring this up to DH? I just want to tell my in laws where to stick it!!

Could this be my chance to distance myself from them? My get out of jail free card? I never liked them from the beginning.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 22:36

Chickenkeev · 12/12/2023 22:34

Basically, you're both just stewing. It's pointless. It upsets you both and doesn't change the outcome.You dislike the inlaws so let them off and get on with your own life. Stewing is unhealthy.

Show quote history

Agree - ruminating is not the way, this is an open forum where i wanted to gauge the opinion of others as well as letting off steam in (What i thought was) a safe place.

Lesson learnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 22:37

TowerRaven7 · 12/12/2023 20:37

My in-laws always make a big song and dance about their anniversary and I sent them cards for maybe eight years. They have never, ever sent us one and we’re bordering on 24 years! I stopped sending them one and have never looked back. When they mention it I say, “happy anniversary”.

wow you kept that up for eight years?! youre a better woman than me. this has been 2 and ive quickly realised they are 'give an inch, take a mile' kind of people

OP posts:
MrsAllsorts · 12/12/2023 22:39

We have never had an anniversary card from anyone and we don’t send them either. All the couples I know just send cards to their spouse, and vice versa, and sometimes they don’t all do that.

Chickenkeev · 12/12/2023 22:42

crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 22:36

Agree - ruminating is not the way, this is an open forum where i wanted to gauge the opinion of others as well as letting off steam in (What i thought was) a safe place.

Lesson learnt.

Show quote history

I wasn't bitching! And ruminating is indeed a far better word! But it does no good at the end of the day. So personally, i'd just let it go. Have no expectations. Sometimes people just let you down, so there's no point in having expectations of them. You're setting yourself up for failure that way really. I do get that it hurts though.

Frasers · 12/12/2023 22:45

Really your husband is “shocked”. I guess like attracts like and you’re both the same, If he’s not just humouring you, but god that would give me the ick.

CantFindTheBeat · 12/12/2023 22:49

I get you, OP.

What changes do you think you & DH might make because of this?

(Stepping back is a gradual thing - maybe this is the move to the first step?).

Bernardmanning · 12/12/2023 22:49

"My SIL used to send DH a list of unprompted present suggestions for her daughter 'just in case he wanted to buy her something!' INSANE."

So his sister sends him a list of birthday/Christmas ideas for her daughter, while prefacing that he doesn't have to buy her anything?! How absolutely terrible. How dare she try and come up with any helpful suggestions for him, when I'm sure that, he is perfectly capable of picking out the latest Barbie or Lol doll himself or picking up something from his local b&q. Particularly coming from such a close knit family who seemingly celebrate every time someone farts.
Honestly OP, you sound as though you are jealous of the entire family and expect to be put on some sort of pedestal. It's as though you are permanently looking to find fault and looking to drive a wedge between your DH and his family. You are already sewing seeds of doubt in his mind.
Look, you don't have to like his family. But that is pretty low to try and impact his relationships with them. One day, if you have children, when they are grown up, you may find yourself on the same position as your in-laws.

Noglitterallowed · 12/12/2023 22:59

Bernardmanning · 12/12/2023 22:49

"My SIL used to send DH a list of unprompted present suggestions for her daughter 'just in case he wanted to buy her something!' INSANE."

So his sister sends him a list of birthday/Christmas ideas for her daughter, while prefacing that he doesn't have to buy her anything?! How absolutely terrible. How dare she try and come up with any helpful suggestions for him, when I'm sure that, he is perfectly capable of picking out the latest Barbie or Lol doll himself or picking up something from his local b&q. Particularly coming from such a close knit family who seemingly celebrate every time someone farts.
Honestly OP, you sound as though you are jealous of the entire family and expect to be put on some sort of pedestal. It's as though you are permanently looking to find fault and looking to drive a wedge between your DH and his family. You are already sewing seeds of doubt in his mind.
Look, you don't have to like his family. But that is pretty low to try and impact his relationships with them. One day, if you have children, when they are grown up, you may find yourself on the same position as your in-laws.

Exactly this!!!

Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 23:00

MrsAllsorts · 12/12/2023 22:39

We have never had an anniversary card from anyone and we don’t send them either. All the couples I know just send cards to their spouse, and vice versa, and sometimes they don’t all do that.

I wasn't expecting a card. Just a message as everyone else in the family gets one.

OP posts:
Bernardmanning · 12/12/2023 23:00

I'm assuming of course that this is the same niece that you dislike, having previously run her down on another thread.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 23:01

Chickenkeev · 12/12/2023 22:42

I wasn't bitching! And ruminating is indeed a far better word! But it does no good at the end of the day. So personally, i'd just let it go. Have no expectations. Sometimes people just let you down, so there's no point in having expectations of them. You're setting yourself up for failure that way really. I do get that it hurts though.

Show quote history

Oh i didnt mean you were bitching! Its the other comments ive had on this thread

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 12/12/2023 23:01

No one cares about other people’s wedding anniversaries. 25th, 40th perhaps but 2nd??? You will sound unhinged if you say anything. Perhaps your family remembered because YOU reminded them ??

PTSDBarbiegirl · 12/12/2023 23:02

Personally I don't get the fuss around celebrating other people's anniversaries. I used to find it very odd when my ex MIL would be asking her children what everyone would be doing for their anniversary. Why do you expect anyone else to acknowledge it, some people don't really go in for that choosing to celebrate with their partner instead.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 23:04

Bernardmanning · 12/12/2023 22:49

"My SIL used to send DH a list of unprompted present suggestions for her daughter 'just in case he wanted to buy her something!' INSANE."

So his sister sends him a list of birthday/Christmas ideas for her daughter, while prefacing that he doesn't have to buy her anything?! How absolutely terrible. How dare she try and come up with any helpful suggestions for him, when I'm sure that, he is perfectly capable of picking out the latest Barbie or Lol doll himself or picking up something from his local b&q. Particularly coming from such a close knit family who seemingly celebrate every time someone farts.
Honestly OP, you sound as though you are jealous of the entire family and expect to be put on some sort of pedestal. It's as though you are permanently looking to find fault and looking to drive a wedge between your DH and his family. You are already sewing seeds of doubt in his mind.
Look, you don't have to like his family. But that is pretty low to try and impact his relationships with them. One day, if you have children, when they are grown up, you may find yourself on the same position as your in-laws.

Yes this is the niece who is a spoilt brat. You're passing judgement when you only know a snippet of the story. You dont know half the stuff SIL does. Be objective.

And the suggestion list isnt anything for her birthday or christmas, its a 'just because' present. She went as far as to ask DH to buy daughter diamond earrings one year.. these are not small presents from Superdrug.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 23:10

CantFindTheBeat · 12/12/2023 22:49

I get you, OP.

What changes do you think you & DH might make because of this?

(Stepping back is a gradual thing - maybe this is the move to the first step?).

Thank you!

A gradual stepping back definetly. I think the penny dropped for DH today. Ive seen it for years how they take advantage of and the expectation they have on him, to buy gifts, to be the go-to man for everything. He even sets up his sisters laptop/phone because 'shes not good with technology', yet she cant ask her own husband?!

A little appreciation such as an anniversary message would have been nice more for him, I have enough fulfilment from my own family. Especially as my other SIL who is a right mare to them gets the acknolwedgement. Its almost the more you kick off with the in-laws the more they take notice, otherwise theyre oblivious (or pretend they are until they're caught out). Im not sure which one it is but i will be observing.

How would you move forward? interested to hear productive opinions.

OP posts:
WhatNoSauce · 12/12/2023 23:11

Anyone who sends me a gift list gets laughed at and the list goes in the bin.

Chickenkeev · 12/12/2023 23:13

crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 23:01

Oh i didnt mean you were bitching! Its the other comments ive had on this thread

Show quote history

Sorry. Hope you're ok! Imo, the anniversaries are just for the couple, strange if your family do it differently but to each their own etc. If they're trying to have a dig at you, have a think about that later, it's most likely part of a pattern. Otherwise, they're just thoughtless. Which is a completely sackable offence if you want it to be. But there may be consequences. I think most people put up with stuff from family that they wouldn't from others. It's just part and parcel of it all.

NotThoseKindOfEggs · 12/12/2023 23:13

You keep highlighting all the effort you and your DH have made, you literally send “Happy Anniversary” messages. You’re hardly donating a life-saving organ.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 23:14

WhatNoSauce · 12/12/2023 23:11

Anyone who sends me a gift list gets laughed at and the list goes in the bin.

Unless you're my DH who falls for it and has a more demanding sibling than the queen!

Pray for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 23:15

NotThoseKindOfEggs · 12/12/2023 23:13

You keep highlighting all the effort you and your DH have made, you literally send “Happy Anniversary” messages. You’re hardly donating a life-saving organ.

How did you ascertain the 'effort' was solely messages?

We have made an effort for years, taking out his niece and nephews, paying for days out, driving nearly 2 hours each way to babysit, the list goes on and on.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 12/12/2023 23:17

Chickenkeev · 12/12/2023 23:13

Sorry. Hope you're ok! Imo, the anniversaries are just for the couple, strange if your family do it differently but to each their own etc. If they're trying to have a dig at you, have a think about that later, it's most likely part of a pattern. Otherwise, they're just thoughtless. Which is a completely sackable offence if you want it to be. But there may be consequences. I think most people put up with stuff from family that they wouldn't from others. It's just part and parcel of it all.

Show quote history

Thankyou .. im ok, im just glad DH realised this was poor form on his own. Ive seen with my own eyes the double standards they all have. DH cant see it because hes been in it for over 30 years.

Thoughtless is defintely the word. They just couldnt care less.

OP posts:
Serenitymummy · 12/12/2023 23:19

Send a happy anniversary message to each other in the family group and see what happens? I think I'd be a passive aggressive kn0b in this instance and watch them squirm. And if they don't, that's an easy 'out' and don't send any lovely messages on there again.

Bernardmanning · 12/12/2023 23:20

Oh dear. Going through your other threads you have questioned whether you married the right man because his family didn't get you gifts at your wedding and that you are more educated/better than your husband. You call the family 'thick'. You call your 13 year old niece 'a brat' and resent ever paying for a coffee for her. You admit to hitting your husband and being a bitch to him. You loathe your bil. You appear to be looking for a way out of this marriage and think that you married beneath you. I can't help thinking that you are pushing the blame into his family so that you can have an excuse to leave him. I don't understand why you have been trying for a baby when questioning your marriage. I think that the two of you would be much better off apart.

HolidayAddict23 · 12/12/2023 23:22

I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been with my hubby for 8 years and never even had a ‘happy birthday’ from his witch of a mother, even on occasions we’ve seen her on my birthday. We’ve been no contact for three years and it has been bliss!

VeronicasCloset · 12/12/2023 23:23

They’ve probably only just got out of the stupor of seeing your wedding/honeymoon photos and videos, which were probably preceded by months of planning for the wedding.
They don’t need to care about your anniversary; it’s for you and your husband to celebrate.