To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

[YNK]

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

It sounds like they were complimenting the food, they didn’t actually say anything negative about a service user. You have inferred a lot and read between the lines of what they said.

Anyway, why would you remove yourself from the charity because of this? That doesn’t make any sense.

Over thinking and over sensitive OP.

Hi @YNK i can see how you might felt your bubble a little bit burst by the comment.

But have a read through your own comments, you are talking about the carers as though they are simply support humans with no lives and challenges of their own. Caring is their job, and a poorly paid one at that, and they have their own things going on which means they are unlikely to view the lunch as you do.

Take that on board and move on. What you overheard does not warrant this much emotional post mortem from you.

@LadyBird1973 you could say that about a nanny role too. It's still a free lunch at the end of the day.

Not a chance would I have felt "honoured and privileged" to be asked to go to what's essentially a work do. Hell, all our Christmas lunches at my last job were paid for by the owner (he was a tosser and never there, so we just went to the priciest local restaurant) and while they were fun, no way would we have bothered if they'd been held in our own time.

You said you don't even know the bloke who made the comment, OP, but you've made his conversation with other people all about you.

Did they pay for the lunch? No, so it was a nice free lunch. Whether they are in the wrong or not, I don’t understand why the comment of one person would make you want to leave the group though?

gently, OP, stop being judgy.
You attended events with a different mindset.

I didn't like your jibe about some of the people having had compensation and being comfortable. Is the inference they should have paid for their carers lunch? What is the actual point you are trying to make?

If you don't feel comfortable, leave the group, but "noses" and "faces" springs to mind.

Janey205 is completely correct. This is exactly the situation.

I think if you can't let go of one off hand comment from someone who may have been a bit bored, you have issues we cannot solve.

You say they didn’t have to accept the invitation, but wasn’t their attendance require to enable attendance of the people they care for. You said they were being paid as usual so was it not part of their normal working week?

I think to say you invited someone along to thank them for their care and them to acknowledge that they were there in a paid capacity caring for attendees is a bit confusing. We’re they invited for a thinks or there working. I don’t think it can be both. I mean providing a meal for someone working is kind but it’s not the same as being invited along while not working.

I think they needn’t have made the comment as it was probably a bit thoughtless. However I think you are not recognising the very real difference between attending something as part of paid employment (however nice that thing is) and attending something out of the willingness of your heart whilst not being paid to do so. We’re There carers there who we’re not being paid and on the clock or only caters who were there working for other attendees?

Yes, for all we know he could have been bored shitless.

You are right it was pretty rude. But some people are socially awkward and it may have just been said as way of making conversation. People who feel awkward socially repeat what they have heard in the past and might not realise it’s not the right thing. While I agree with you it was not great your reaction to thinking of leaving a group you enjoy because of a comment by someone else’s paid worker….I think there is more to your feelings and it’s around you not being able to get compensation or help?

Who are you to decide to thank carers for the care they give other people, on their behalf? Did you consult these people?

The carers are providing a service, doing a job. You're acting like you've done an amazing thing by inviting these carers.

The way I see it, if your friends wanted to thank them for doing the job, they should have invited them, in which case it's none of your business how they respond. If you took it upon yourself to invite other people's carers because they can't do it themselves, I wonder why you felt that was appropriate?

Either way, they are employees. Not friends. No matter how friendly they may be.

However our friendship and support for each other is the glue that I felt dissolve when I heard this comment
I’m completely confused!

You can actually look at that comment as a compliment.

maybe in the past they’ve even offered a free lunch and it was at a cheap restaurant/café.

on this occasion it seems like it was a nice restaurant and they were surprised (and dare I say grateful) that you guys treated them to a nice, decent lunch.

sounds like you overheard a comment, not the whole conversation, and decided to make assumptions about the person you’ve acknowledged you’ve never met before.

I haven't read the whole thread, but it seems your response is being criticized way too harshly. The replies I have read so far are frustratingly insensitive to how upset you obviously feel.

I read it as the 'decent free lunch' being the positive of an otherwise negative experience. Allowing the comment to be overheard is unprofessional on the part of the carer.

I hope you don't leave a group that has offered you so much. I think in this case, it's an individual carer who should have known better.

The carers may well admire and appreciate the work of the charity, but they won't have the same emotional connection to it that you and your friends do - when they move on to helping a different person, they'll probably admire and appreciate the work of a different charity related to that person's needs.

It was the work Christmas do, effectively. Sometimes great fun, sometimes a bit of a struggle. You and your friends understandably have a deep bond but the carers probably have little in common with each other aside from work - and they can't speak freely about the challenge of their difficult and badly paid jobs in that situation.

I don't think the carer did anything wrong but I think you need to reassess your view of the carers a little.

I’m a carer and I love a free lunch, I’m over worked and underpaid!
I may comment that it was a lovely free lunch, doesn’t mean I don’t value the cause behind it?? Just like you don’t know they didn’t value the cause.
I think you’re getting in a tizz about nothing, and why would you want to leave the group because of a bunch of carers you’re never going to see again.
you would hate me! I comment at funerals how lovley the Buffett was! (Doesn’t mean I don’t care about the person that died BTW!)

Op they're working because you said they were being paid. Presumably to enable your actual friends to attend. And what's with all this "they should feel privileged" nonsense? They're working.

This thread feels like someone listening into downstairs and is confused about why their Butler isn't emotionally involved and grateful that they're serving the family - hilarious lack of awareness

I can’t make head nor tail of any of this.

But I suspect leaving the group in a strop will just be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

However our friendship and support for each other is the glue that I felt dissolve when I heard this comment.

And this is pure melodrama.

I doubt the carer went just to get a free lunch! They were invited, probably didn’t even want to go, but went along because they felt it would be the polite thing to do. They gave up their free time to go along and show support, even though they weren’t being paid, and would probably rather spend their day off with their own friends/family. It was unfortunate that you overheard the joke between carers though.
Maybe try look at it from the other point of view - maybe the carers felt a bit unappreciated by you guys…… did any of you thank them for giving up part of their day off work to come spend it for a work event?

The OP felt that the carers were also a legitimate part of the group, even though being there is part of their paid employment - she values them and wanted them to feel welcomed and included.

Except OP has said that she's never met this man before. They are not part of the group, they appear to be complete strangers to OP and most of the other group members. They'll obviously know their own carers but probably not each other's.

The man who said this has never been in the center for our weekly meetings although I have no reason to think they don't earn their wages.

I didn't say they were the glue that held us together.

I've never seen them before in my life!

I agree with this

The carers are kind and friendly. They get on well with the group

But, it's their job. Being friendly is very different from being friends

I think you hoped / thought that the carers were genuine friends, and it's hard to realise they're just being friendly

But I don't think they've done anything wrong. I hope you can make your peace with this

They would rather be with their friends op. You were with your friendship group, the carers enjoyed the lunch but at the end of the day the group is not as important to them as it is to you. That's ok though.

No, but had they refused they wouldn’t have been paid. Minimum wage care workers. Get a grip OP. Financially it’s quite possible that many of them WERE obliged to go.