To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

[YNK]

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

I am finding it so hard to understand all of this. Apologies if I’m wrong but it feels like, when someone does something to me, ok I’ll get over it, but if it is to my child, it’s a different pain and I have a totally different reaction. Is that what is happening, you think they have hurt others feelings and you are angry on their behalf?

If so, then why would YOU leaving the group help? Surely it needs MORE people like you? People say stupid things sometimes. The carers might be hurt people too, don’t let it get to you.

Think about why this triggered you so much and definitely don’t leave the group.

I think I both do and don't get this.
I worked in supported living as a carer for people with leaning disabilities and autism for 6 years, doing 14 hour shifts on minimum wage. The residents had a lot more disposable income than the staff, due to their reduced living costs. They liked to socialise, go out for drinks and meals. Staff got subsidised if we went out with them, £2.50 for lunch, £5 for evening meal. This was never enough to cover our own costs. We weren't able to take our own food in to restaurants obviously. So everytime we took someone out, to McDonald's (a favourite place), Wetherspoons, a Chinese buffet, anywhere, it cost us money to eat with them. We ate with them so they enjoyed it it more, and didn't feel singled out and different. Also sometimes we were out for 8 hours and needed to eat! I'd take snacks, and sometimes order something small, but it still cost me to do my job, to eat out way more often than I would in my personal life. We were on minimum wage and I sometimes felt frustrated by it. i loved my job and liked and respected the people I worked with, but it cost me to work there.
Occasionally, family members would take out the resident, we would need to go, and sometimes they would pay for our full meal! This was very generous and I was always grateful and expressed that. I wouldn't have said "decent free meal" but I would have thought it and felt lucky!
OP I wouldn't feel hurt by this or let it devalue what you get from this group.

This.

You might have thought they were friends, but if it was part of their work to be there, then they might well have seen it the other way.

Whilst I have a friendship with a number of my ex carers, I'm under no illusion that we met for anything other than a contractual obligation.

The carers are free to see it as they like. The only part where it's possible you are not being unreasonable, is that it was wrong of them to say it in earshot of the service users. But that is it.

Is it possible you misunderstood the comment/context?

Perhaps to their tastes the meal wasn't great. But at least it was also free?

Struggling with the context here, but the comment in of itself just sounds like one of those standard jokey negative comments people make, especially at work. It's just something people with a particularly sense of humour say. I wouldn't read into it at all.

I get why their comment was upsetting when you’d all chipped in to include them and weren’t inviting them in their caring capacity. I guess for them though they are still thinking of it as work. Regardless their comment was rude, and they should have been thanking people not making comments like they

I think you're taking a common flippant comment too personally.

I think you're being over sensitive about it. Keep supporting the charity if you want to.

@YNK You have worked in 'similar roles' - as a carer, or some kind of other role in the charity or healthcare or legal sector? Unless you were a carer on low/minimum wage I don't think you can compare.

I've been to possibly similar events, charity Xmas events funded or set up partly and via the medicolegal sector. I think you alluded to the fact that some service users will have had major trauma personal injury claims and will be well supported with rehab, care, and compensation, and some won't - due to not having an insurable injury, this creates a huge disparity in how much help they get as it may be state minimum/CICA paid for. This is a terrible fact of life in the UK. The work that charities do is vitally important in helping provide support and community for everyone regardless. However, everyone who is there because they work for the organisation or service users IS there because of their job and may have other things they would rather do. I personally would avoid saying it aloud if I was them, but I bet they more than deserve that free lunch.

This. I've a feeling it's the same poster.

This in ♠️ spades!

It’s positive that the charity provides a decent (ie good quality) meal for the carers too. Carers are low paid and presumably forgotten by many charities so including them in the free meal is a good thing for the charity to do.
I don’t think it’s rude to comment on the free decent meal aspect. It’s not rude that the carer saw it as an incentive to attend either. 🤷‍♀️ Caring is a job and it is unreasonable to expect carers to feel the same about the charity as the people with the condition.

I'm not sure why you have a problem with that? If that's all they said that's OK. If they had been out and out rude about their clients that's different but it's possible they weren't paid for the whole session eg no lunch break or maybe were expected to join in things they didn't want to do. I've accompanied service users to say theatre or a lunch out. It's all paid but it's definitely not a treat! It's work.

Not the same.

Comparator would be TA going to theme park and saying “at least the tickets were free”. Working with Johnny day to day is great. Attending a busy large themed event without people you know etc far less great.

Really op you are way overthinking this. You don’t know them, they don’t know you, they may be paid but it’s not exactly a high rate, they thought the food was good. If this all upsets you too much then go ahead and leave the group.

I also think you’re overthinking. I always went on my work paid Xmas lunch as it was free and nice. I didn’t go because I thought my bosses boss was a friend. I accepted it as a thank you for the year I gave them.

You may think they should feel honoured and privileged to receive a free meal, but I’d bet a pound to a penny if you said to them you have a choice between coming to our meal or having the cash equivalent they’d have taken the cash.

They’re carers, they don’t care about the charity or your friends any more than a stranger on the street would, they care for them because that is their job.

OP I think you are actually looking at his comment totally wrong and he was actually complimenting your meal!!

He said at least it was a decent 'free lunch'.

Maybe he and his colleagues attend numerous 'free lunches' during the Christmas period with work and what he was saying was that your meal was a decent one compared to others they have been to. So he was actually praising you - albeit in a weird way!!

If I were a member of this group and heard that you had left due to this gentleman's comments I would take it that you obviously didn't value our friendship.

I think the OP has expressed herself well.

Being a carer is not quite the same as working in an office and this lunch isn't exactly the same as going to the office work do. The boundaries are not so clearly defined, when one person is helping another with their day to day lives, including social activities. The OP felt that the carers were also a legitimate part of the group, even though being there is part of their paid employment - she values them and wanted them to feel welcomed and included.
That very crass comment made it clear that, to some carers, it literally is just about work and they don't feel bonded to the group at all. That is hurtful.
The group was doing a nice thing and the OP feels that carer was disparaging about it.

I guess maybe it's comparable to the situation in other workplaces where some people feel their colleagues have also become their friends and then finding out that the colleague views them as just someone they work with. The colleague has a right to feel that way, but it's still a hurtful thing to hear and a crass thing to say out loud.

OP, try not to let this ruin the group for you - your friends are still your friends and this one person's rude behaviour doesn't necessarily reflect how other carers feel.

I don't understand how the comment made by a person who is not employed by the charity/group (a person who is nothing to do with the group really) is affecting whether you want to remain a part of the group, despite the fact you seem to enjoy the group.

I can see how a careless/tactless/rude comment might affect how you feel toward towards the person who said it. Why would this comment affect how you feel about the group? How does this comment make you not want to be a part of the group anymore? (the paid carer in question is someone you have never seen before in the group, chances are you might never see them again). I would like to understand, and I don't feel I am fully grasping this yet.

I'm also curious about you mentioning the "us and them" divide between group members (which seems like a separate, very different, issue), and mentioned financial security and assistance provided for some. I wonder why you have included it in this thread about the Christmas event. Is the discomfort around this "us and them" playing a bigger part in you wanting to leave the group (rather than just the comments of a stranger)?

Have you spoken to anyone else at the group about how you feel?

I would trust any carer invited must have been someone who is helpful and really liked by the person they care for or the were genuinely needed that day.

Imagine a wedding conversation

"i hate these kind of things, i dont know anyone and feel really awkward but i am delighted for the happy couple and worried i would offend them if i didn't come"

Reply "enjoy yourself, at least it's a free lunch"

Or
"I am massively behind on Christmas shopping I really should not be stopping for a nice lunch"

"At least it's a free lunch"

Or
"I am so full, have a birthday dinner tonight I shouldnt have had 2 courses. We are going to super pricy new restaurant"

"At least it's a free lunch"

I'm finding this hard to follow.

The carers were working and you don't really know them, but they're there whilst working and were invited for supporting some of your friends?

Why would a comment about a free lunch mean your friendship and support dissolves alway? Your friendship is with the other service or group users, not the carers.

Leaving a group of friends because somebody's carer didn't show they were suitably honoured to attend a Christmas meal seems a bit like flouncing.

They're not your friends OP, they are workers. Maybe they didn't appear to be supporting anyone, but they might have provided transport for someone? Of course they got their lunch paid for as part of their job.

You’re being ridiculous. These are employees who facilitated their employers being able to attend a lunch. Either they get fed, or they trot off to the pub whilst their employers get fed.

I’m afraid it’s accurate. I know my team like me and we get on well, but I’m under no illusion they wish to spend time with me beyond work. I do pay for entertainment, but free lunch and a free bar is the pull factor