To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

[YNK]

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

People can be funny about working in charity and caring professions and see it as a vocation and more than a job.

I work in a charity shop and people are often surprised that it's just a retail job like any other. You wouldn't expect your supermarket cashier to work there because of their love of Tesco.

It’s definitely work. A big bonus if you enjoy it and you get a decent free lunch, but at the end if the day I think some would have preferred to have been paid and at home. Not all. Some would enjoy the social occasion for itself, but look at the threads on here, there are an awful lot of unsociable buggers around. For some people it’s a strain to socialise, but it might be more palatable if at least they get a decent free meal.

Discuss it to what end? Getting the carer into trouble or getting attention for being upset on others behalf?

OP you are being incredibly unreasonable and (as another PP says) clearly have no understanding of the power imbalance between the carer and the cared for.

If I was invited by an employer (it doesn't matter that this is a charity, and the way you have written this is very confusing, are you confused about the roles and responsibilities on both sides? ) to a 'free' lunch in my own time, I would think twice about going in the first place as I would still be working.

The carers are not your friends, or the friends of the people they care for. Perhaps if they stopped the caring role (therefore a change in the power dynamic) and the relationship then evolved into a friendship then you might be, but you aren't now and it is very important that you understand this and are respectful.

I was incredibly fond of both my long term cleaner and the nanny of my children. I am still in touch with both and would consider one a friend now... but that wasn't possible until she stopped working for me.

I also wonder if this is because you haven't fully processed what has happened to you? I have been very ill and a relationship with someone changed into more of a carer/cared for situation. I now realise I was incredibly confused and angry (there was cognitive damage too) about what had happened to me and didn't treat the person caring for me very well. I was still processing what had happened and was struggling.

This. They are friendly but not friends. They are there to support the members of the group. The members of the group do not provide reciprocal support for the carers. The carers are paid. The members are cared for. I was a teacher. There were many 'social' events I was obliged to attend as part of my job. I accepted the need to attend even though I had hundreds of other things I needed to be doing elsewhere. I had a son with a birthday on Dec 22nd and a party to add to the list of Christmas jobs.We went to the local dementia specialist home every year to carol sing with the children. It was done every year. If they give us cake and biscuits afterwards it was lovely. I worked a 4 day week. Most of the events were on my non working day. I went because its what teachers do. The carers were there because its what carers do. Free food was a pleasant addition. Its work. Nothing more. Presumably if some people in Ops group recovered sufficiently to no longer need a carer the carer would just be expected to get another job. The client wouldn't expect the carer to keep turning up once the job ended.

I suspect the OP has issues that nobody here could help with…

OP,

The comment was undoubtedly meant for private consumption and you don’t know the context. It was possibly a bit crass.

But whoever pays these carers who were guests at your luncheon, the fact is that they were invited because of of their professional relationships with your core group. For them, attendance was in the professional realm. That they came at all testifies to their affection and esteem for your members. Many’s the time I’ve shown up for a perfectly pleasant reception

A pretty poorly paid one as well.

a free lunch is probably a nice bonus for them, and is literally meant as they said it. It’s not a mean comment, just a factual one.

And that's usually people who aren't in those professions. I often wonder if that is to justify to themselves why so many of them are paid peanuts - weasley words about vocations and commitment rather than recognising how badly paid they are and how poor their employment terms often are.

The OP has failed to notice that these people were not honoured guests and there by choice - they were working, and if the carers hadn't been there then likley most of the members of the group wouldn't have been either. You don't have a carer because you can manage loads of stuff on your own!

The comment (which appears to have been made by one person) was not bad or rude, especially if you don't have the erroneous view that employed carers are or should be your friends.

The "them and us" in the original post seems (I could be wrong) to refer to a divide between members of the group who received compensation for their injury as opposed to those who didn't. I can't fathom what this has got to do with any of the carers.

OP gives no context and comes across like she was listening in to someone else's conversation, which is ruder than the bloke's probably flippant remark. Or perhaps he's been made to go to other, totally crappy works lunches and was saying at least this one had decent food. Or perhaps he's had it up to here working in this industry if it's full of people demanding forelock-tugging gratitude from the peasants.

Posted too soon.

out of respect and good feeling for the hosts, intermingled with a sense of professional duty. Why should it be different for carers?

I do think you have an unrealistic impression of what a carer and service user relationship looks like. It is just work. Poorly paid work at that. Most carers are not in the job because they actually care and those that do care eventually become jaded like the rest over time because of how awful they are treated. Expecting them to be very grateful for a meal is a bit...glory seeking, or something. "Look how kind we are to you poor carers."

It's like in any job where you're treated like shit and management comes to you and says "WE have decided to treat you all to a free cupcake as a way of saying thank you!" and then pat themselves on the back thinking about what kind and generous people they are to their workers. When what workers really want is to be treated better by their employers and to be paid a wage that reflects their hard work.

Your Xmas dinner is that free cupcake. But saying that, that carer who you overheard was an idiot to voice his feelings openly like that. Very unprofessional.

As a career I’ll tell you, we’re not ‘allowed’ to be friends with our clients.

Yes, clients. A ‘friendship’ crosses professional boundaries and leaves people open to all sorts of problems. We can be chatty and friendly and even have some type of banter with certain clients we know well. We cannot be their friend though. We cannot really accept gifts beyond an odd bottle of wine or box of chocs. We cannot nip to the pub for a quick pint with them. We can’t lend them a tenner or run them to their Mums. Those are things that ‘friends’ do.

Your invite to a Christmas meal would have been seen as an extension of work. Just coming shows a respect that you seem to think is missing.

@YNK I think this is where the problem lies- you wanted to have a party with friends with whom you have an equal relationship- but these people are carers, not friends. Your relationship isn’t equal.

The fact is that for them, spending time with the service users is work. They don’t do it out of friendship (even if they happen to like the people they support)- they do it because they need the job for the money.

So if they didn’t have to for work reasons, they wouldn’t have come to your party, and given the choice they would rather have been somewhere else.

Thats no reflection on anyone in your group, it’s just the nature of the relationship between disabled service users and paid carers.

You seem very preoccupied with money - who’s paid what and to whom. And reference a “hurtful” divide between those who have received compensation and are now “financially secure” (although presumably very badly injured!)

You say you don’t want to “hear your friends being patronised”, but aren’t you patronising the carers for not doing a good enough of pretending to be your friends and reminding you this is is paid work for them?

I’m a volunteer driver with a community car scheme. I ferry older and disabled people to and from appointments. Some have very poor mobility and need assistance getting in and out of the car or carrying things. It’s not the same as being a carer, but there are similarities:

However friendly and chatty I may be, clients are not my friends. Some tell me quite a bit about their life. That’s their choice, and it’s kept in confidence - but I have no obligation to tell them anything about my life. I’m also under no obligation to do anything for them beyond transport and carrying things if needed, and certainly not to do things for/with them at other times.

The vast majority of clients understand this. The odd one pushes the boundary, asking me to attend social events with them or take them shopping. My response is always - if you need transport to go to X, please book it with the office.

Some may think I should do more…… I disagree. I give what I have decided to give.

I'm wondering if there was an expectation that the carers would do a toast or speech of thanks at the end of the meal for being 'treated' to the lunch, and rather than that op overhead what she did?

You're being ridiculous, it was probably said tongue in cheek and even if it's wasn't it's hardly a terrible thing you need to start bitching about online

I think it’s more likely that the op has internalised some of the ‘disabled people are lesser’ attitudes that as disabled people we deal with all the time- and it has become a sore spot for her and made her very sensitive to any perceived slight.

It can be a hard transition to go from moving through the world independently with everyone seeing you as basically their equal, to suddenly being a ‘job’ for someone… it’s understandable that some people want to see their carers as friends who want to spend time with them rather than just because they are being paid.

It isn’t a lot of fun to rely heavily on someone you know doesn’t really care in a personal way…

it’s a bit like therapists- they only listen to your problems because they are paid to, and only care in a professional way- except disabled people can be stuck with that kind of relationship as their primary relationship in most areas of their life.

Yes, this.

It's basically a more involved and intimate form of customer service.

I thought they were invited to be our friends and not considered as mere dogsbodies.

This is astonishingly naive. They were paid to be there because it’s part of their job.

did you expect them to pay for their lunch? you do understand that they are at work and doing whatever it is their client wants them to? so why would you expect them to pay for their lunch?

Person A: Are you okay, you look very tired?
Person B: Today was supposed to be my day off but the boss insisted I come to this lunch. Had to rearrange childcare and get two buses to the venue in the pissing rain. But as least it was a nice free lunch.
OP: Earwigging someone else's conversation "The ungrateful peasants, how dare they".

But more seriously, maybe this person was tired and running on empty, maybe they are the ungrateful sort and a bit rude. Whichever it was please don't let one careless comment ruin your enjoyment of the time spent with this group and maybe give the poor overworked underpaid carers a break. I have family that work in various caring roles and they never seen to be "off", they are always getting one quick question or request outside of working hours.

I’m sure they’re happy enough supporting people to attend events, but for them it is work. They are at work and who doesn’t love a free lunch when working. I think you’re over reacting OP.